History Funny / SchlockMercenary

** Doubles as nightmarefuel

* Targon gets information on their next job:
-->'''Targon:''' You lost contact with them the moment they entered the liner?

-->'''Targon:''' See, that's a detail. We need those.

* [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-11-30 Kevyn's attempt to confiscate]] [[WeaponOfChoice Schlock's plasma cannons]], and [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-12-01 his subsequent attempt to impress upon Schlock the danger of mixing plasma cannons and antimatter.]] [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-12-02 The very serious danger.]]

'''Massey:''' [[SuddenltShouting HAVE YOU SEEN WHO I WORK FOR]]?!?

'''Massey:''' HAVE YOU SEEN WHO I WORK FOR?!?

* Petey's energy collector is blown up, and he can ssend to Andromeda only one ship. [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2019-06-12 Archive's smug look right next to Petey's "are-you-kidding-me" when both it and Petey understand the latter has to follow former's advice is priceless.]]

* In finding out details about an abandon hypernet node, there end up being a [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2019-02-12 miscommunication about its age]]:

-->'''Petey:''' [[SpannerInTheWorks A great many agendas will need to be revised]].

* Petey's energy collector is blown up, and he can ssend to Andromeda only one ship. [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2019-06-12 Archive's smug look when both it and Petey understand the latter has to follow former's advice is priceless.]]

-->'''Cindy:''' Years of parenting have prepared you for this moment, Commodore.\\

* "[[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-06-10 STOP TALKING AND START EATING]]!"\\
-->'''Cindy:'''"Years of parenting have prepared you for this moment, Commodore."\\

-->'''Cindy:'''"Years of parenting have prepared you for this moment, Commodore."

"Years of parenting have prepared you for this moment, Commodore."

-->'''Pi:''' [[CrazyAwesome I STILL HAVE A FULL GOODIE-BAG.]]

* The TyrannosaurusRex, a creature whose name means "tyrant king of the lizards," the most terrifying predator ever discovered in the fossil record... [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2019-09-08 was domesticated by the raptors.]]

* [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-11-30 Kevyn's attempt to confiscate]] [[WeaponOfChoice Schlock's plasma cannons]], and [[https;//www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-12-01 his subsequent attempt to impress upon Schlock the danger of mixing plasma cannons and antimatter.]] [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-12-02 The very serious danger.]]

* Crossing over with a [[Awesome/SchlockMercenary Moment of Awesome]], Dark Matter Schlock needs to contact Petey but lost his comms... so he uses his newfound gravitational abilities to turn Petey's hull into a ''loudspeaker.''

* "STOP TALKING AND START EATING!"\\

* Just the fact that the Paan'uri [[spoiler: refer to the people of the milky way as the "scary-barys".]]

* At one point, Tagon has a [[GoodAngelBadAngel moral dilemma]]. HilarityEnsues, staring [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2001-08-13 here]].

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2002-03-07 Hi! I'm a terapedo.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2002-03-17 Massey details the human justice system to amorphs.]] The real kicker is that even the faceless medical bot on the background is wigged out.
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2003-03-05 General Xinchub leans on the Toughs in order to get them to take a contract.]]

* [[ImmuneToBullets The gunfire is just annoying.]] [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2003-04-09 The racial profiling, though....that hurt me. I mean, it cuts deep, guys.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2003-04-27 That mercenary captain you hired? I think he just disintegrated.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2003-05-20 Ceeta is introduced to the trope namer for Weapons Grade Vocabulary.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2005-01-04 "They can get in line behind the police, the people whose cars we trashed, the Empire of Ob'enn, the Partnership Collective, and the Wormgate Corporation. Oh, and I think maybe some dark matter beasties from Andromeda."]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2005-11-06 This one's for Massey:]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2006-01-08 The christening of the Touch-And-Go.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2006-03-22 Schlock goes base-jumping.]] (follow the next three pages)
-->'''Kevyn''': [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2006-03-27 If I weren't so busy right now, I'd buy you drinks in order to hear the rest of this report.]]\\

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20060414.html "Did he just say 'flakeymost'?" "Death is too good for this one."]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2006-07-15 Tagon attempts to defend the company in a court of law. Badly. Massey is forced to step in.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2006-09-28 Kevyn learns that he already has the respect of the crew.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2006-10-23 Kevyn seeks advice from the Reverend on how to ask forgiveness for an unintentional insult.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20061119.html Kevyn learns to be careful with the very flames of heaven]].
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2007-05-12 Nick wrote down some numbers]]...and [[DumbMuscle they are all strings of 1's]].

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2007-06-06 Captain Tagon turns down a high-paying job]] -- and the [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness reactions]] this provokes in [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2007-06-07 the adjutant]], [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2007-06-08 doctor]], and [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2007-06-09 reverend]].
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2007-06-18 "...are you angry?"]] "''I am '''not''' angry!''"
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2007-07-25 "Well... there wasn't any tongue."]]
* At General Xinchub's [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2007-09-27 funeral]] and again when he is [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2007-11-01 not quite dead.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-03-07 Lieutenant Pi's cunning plan to lure out high explosives.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-03-16 Tagon's response]] to mercenaries quitting because he paid ''too well.''
** [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-03-20 Word gets around fast]], you know?
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-04-06 Kevin's rebuff]] of Para's opinion of his science being not mad enough.
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-08-22 Schlock's expression]] at the thought of being able to fire his [[GatlingGood shortbarrel rotary fifty]] around corners.
** [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2009-01-06 And the payoff.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-08-24 "Massey beat me up with big words."]] Complete with distressed PuppyDogEyes.
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-11-09 "They committed suicide when they saw me coming."]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-11-30 Kevyn's attempt to confiscate]] [[WeaponOfChoice Schlock's plasma cannons]], and [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-12-01 his subsequent attempt to impress upon Schlock the danger of mixing plasma cannons and antimatter.]] [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-12-02 The very serious danger.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2008-12-09 Legs's plan to go in for a hard landing next to the target hits a snag.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2009-02-03 'Chelle's arrival at the aftermath of the antimatter fight.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2009-02-04 When the Touch-and-Go regains power.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20090527.html "You're in the circus, try to be happy. You're in the circus, try to be happy."]].
* [[Comicbook/{{Superman}} "Look! Up in the sky!"]] [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20090810.html "It's a turd!" "On a flame!"]].

* Ennesby gets control of his own personal army of worker drones. He [[http://schlockmercenary.com/2009-10-12 makes]] [[http://schlockmercenary.com/2009-10-13 them]] [[http://schlockmercenary.com/2009-10-14 sing.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2010-03-01 Captain Tagon tries to talk to their employer,]] the CloudCuckooLander and StrangeSyntaxSpeaker Mister Aliss.

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20100302.html Captain Tagon almost turns down an offer of more money]].
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2010-03-14 "More practice, less theme music."]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2010-04-24 Legs finds the spot where a camera should go. Also, a camera, already there.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2010-05-27 Captain Tagon sets up a "legendary ambush"]].
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2010-07-31 Equipment failure.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2010-08-05 No, the monkey is new.]]
* [[http://schlockmercenary.com/d/20100817.html Quit worrying about hallucinations and TOGGLE THAT MONKEY!]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20100829.html "I am ablative armor! Life is boring, then briefly exciting, then over!"]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2010-10-26 Pi still has a full goodie-bag.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2010-12-31 "How can anybody ever NOT need a gunship?"]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2011-01-07 No, I eat my enemies when they are delicious.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2011-02-27 'Dumped on the stoop' is a new one.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2011-03-02 "I had my own little army for awhile. Then I got sick" "You look okay now, Shep." "Okay? I can barely Bench-Press three times my weight."]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2011-05-05 "She's like Patton with boobs."]]

* "Officer Training 101: '''[[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2011-05-14 Don't taunt Murphy.]]'''"
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2011-06-25 I WILL STOP ALL THE BULLETS!]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2011-08-10 Mad science obligates Doctor Bunnigus to ask a very stupid question]].
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2011-08-17 Pau: the mastermind here, or not the mastermind here?]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2011-09-28 "I can't wait to tell Tagon that since he wouldn't]] ''give'' us a gunship, we had to ''steal'' one."
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2011-10-04 "This is not fair! Everybody, EVERYBODY, is getting to shoot EXCEPT FOR-]]''(plasgun!)'' MEEEE!"

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2012-06-05 "Tagii doesn't need overrides when I let her use plasma."]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2012-07-09 Tagon's expression while undergoing auto-catheterization.]] [[ShareTheMalePain Owwww]][[AssShove wwwww.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2012-09-22 Schlock does things in the wrong order.]] Once again, it's his expression that makes the strip.

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2013-01-06 Karl Tagon learns the latest legends being spread about his son.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2013-01-18 "People need to stop building weapons out of the places we're securing and supplying."]]
* '''[[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2013-02-07 "YOU CAN SEE INTO MY SOUL!"]]'''
* UnusuallyUninterestingSight has taken full effect with Sgt. Schlock, [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2013-06-02 when his latest antic only receives a blunt "And apparently he can vomit himself into a tiny spaceship."]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-01-08 "All hands! The enemy wants to shoot the annies in your pants!"]]
* Right after [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-01-13 Para Ventura says its impossible now that the annie-powered equipment has all been destroyed,]] [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-01-14 Captain Tagon orders Kathryn Flinders to move Ventura and a ton of her equipment onto the ship's spine, two hundred and fifty meters above ground.]] Cue three consecutive {{Beat Panel}}s as she thinks it over.

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-03-22 Capt. Murtaugh issues Sgt. Schlock a weapon dangerous in ways that he cannot imagine.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-03-23 Ennesby transmits a message to General Bala-Amin.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-04-15 Ennesby explains to Lt. Sorlie why the forward annie-plant array is called "the NUSPI".]]

* The entire conversation about Lt. Sorlie's spy implants, starting [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-04-22 here.]]
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-06-24 Schlock tells 'Chelle about the equipment issued to the Dom Atlantis police.]]
* After [[PullingThemselvesTogether recovering from an explosion]], [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-08-05 Sgt. Schlock finds himself talking to the Hon. Prime Tangent Breya Andreyasn, for whom he has a message.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-08-09 After Haban reveals]] that [[SpannerInTheWorks Schlock derailed an assassination attempt.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-08-20 Lt. Sorlie is assigned yet more responsibility.]]

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-09-10 Haban asks a reasonable question about memory-wipe-related brain surgery.]]
* [[ReasonableAuthorityFigure General Bala-Amin's]] [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2014-12-05 sheer frustration]] at how the Neoafans are clearly better people than the UNS.
* Captain Murtagh: [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2015-01-30 Corporal Chisulo]], [[GrievousHarmWithABody a sack of politicians]] is '''not''' a weapon.
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2015-02-01 Sergeant Schlock has no horse, no armor, and no sword, but even the mightiest mongol horse-warrior would see in him a fit heir.]]

* Tagon's Toughs just [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2015-08-02 love]] [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2015-08-03 playing]] [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2015-08-04 games]].
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2016-06-16 Tagon's face.]]

* Commodore Tagon finds out Lieutenant Flinders delegated out intelligence work to Trevor, [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2017-01-22 one of her.. not so intelligent subordinates.]] Made even more hilarious by Liz's [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2017-01-23 reaction the following page.]]
* Neeka, the Tough's newest surgeon. Adorable, very skilled, [[MeatgrinderSurgery very, very messy]]. [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2017-03-26 M'Conger gets a first-hand taste]], and then there's [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2017-03-28 her previous employers' references]]...

* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2017-09-24 Schlock's apparently been practicing psychology]].
* [[http://www.schlockmercenary.com/2018-01-14 "The bar for "good idea" must have been pretty low."]]

* Captain Gasca, the InsufferableGenius Orangutan-Uplift decided to be an ass to Elf on purpose. Upon finding this out, [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2016-06-10 Para metes out some well deserved and hilarious payback]] with the help of the locals.

* Captain Gasca, the UnsufferableGenius Orangutan-Uplift decided to be an ass to Elf on purpose. Upon finding this out, [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2016-06-10 Para metes out some well deserved and hilarious payback]] with the help of the locals.

* Petey tries to persuade captured Pa'anuri to surrender both galactic cores to him, but first Thurl hijacks the negotiation, turning it into democratic vote, then promotes Sorley to govern it, and then Ennesby and Schlock barge in, wearing their Pa'anuri-style planet-sized avatars and derail it completely. The funny thing is the [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-07-02 look]] of [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-07-07 absolute]], [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-07-08 mind-blowing annoyance]] on Petey's face. In the last page he remembered he should've get used to such antics by now. Making it better is that Schlock and Ennesby [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-07-10 effortlessly seized both cores]] off-screen while everyone was arguing, completely undermining both sides.