History Funny / BestOfTheWorst2014Episodes

'''Rich''': Because the script is batshit insane!

--->'''Rich''': ''The Fantastic Four'' is like a high quality chef took shit ingredients and made an appetizing meal [...] It's like Iron Chef with Cheetos. [''Supergirl''] is like someone taking filet mignon and somehow making ramen noodles.\\
'''Josh''': And what's [''Captain America'']?\\
'''Jay''': That's just ramen noodles.\\
'''Rich''': That's rice crackers.\\
'''Jack''': That's [=McDonalds=], it's cheap, but it's still food.

** Outside of the skit, Len comes across as a very normal guy that fits right in with the panel, save for a few times his CloudCuckooLander nature comes through. At one point, without prompting, he reveals the three things he finds funny: [[GroinAttack groin attacks]], karate chops, and farts

--->'''Everyone''': Ooooh fuck!\\
'''Jack''': I have no regrets! Ahahaha! ''[runs away]''

--->'''Jay''': Rich Evans, explain what happens in ''Killing American Style''\\
'''Rich''': Colin?\\
'''Colin''': ''Plays a 3-second long fart noise''\\
'''Rich''': There you go.\\
'''Jay''': Wait, what was that?\\
'''Colin''': ''Plays another 3-second long fart noise''\\
'''Rich''': I'm not sure I caught all of that.\\
'''Colin''': ''Plays a third brief fart noise''\\
'''Jay and Rich''': Oooooh, okay.

--->'''Rich''': I don't know if he's a Russian actor who has a speech impediment or if he's an American who's putting on the world's worst Russian accent.

--->'''Jack''': I'm just saying that, if Creator/AlfredHitchcock [[CrossesTheLineTwice were a skinnier man]], he'd be rolling over in his grave.

--->'''Jack''': ''Gerry''? What's ''Gerry''?\\
'''Rich''': What the fuck is he talking about?\\
'''Mike''': ''Series/{{Seinfeld}}''? I love that show!

--->'''Rich''': I am [[{{Pun}} Shock-ma'd]].

'''Creator/JustineBateman''': *appears in a cartoon bubble next to Danson's head* Come on!\\
'''Josh''': *amidst general laughter* Holy balls!

--->'''Jay''': Hey, Jack, do you remember UsefulNotes/TheNineties?\\
'''Jack''': ''(hums "[[Music/ThirdEyeBlind Semi-Charmed Life]]" and dances awkwardly)'' Yeah, I do.\\
'''Jay''': More specifically, do you remember ''Jurassic Park''?\\
'''Jack''': Oh, ''Jurassic Park'' is a great movie!\\
'''Jay''': ''Jurassic Park'' is a great movie, right? I'm going to say that ''Jurassic Park'' is the worst thing to ever happen to dinosaurs. [[CrossesTheLineTwice And that includes when they all died.]] Because, in the wake of ''Jurassic Park'', there was renewed interest in dinosaurs. We've got all these dinosaur movies, Jack. ''(pulls out a comically tall stack of tapes)'' I mean, there's '''three''' ''Film/{{Prehysteria}}'' movies, ''Film/AdventuresInDinosaurCity''...\\
'''Jack''': That sounds awesome, a whole city made of dino- ''([[InstantlyProvenWrong Jay holds up]] Film/SuperMarioBros1993)'' oh.\\
'''Jay''': And, of course, who could forget ''[[ComicStrip/DennisTheMenaceUS Dennis the Menace]]... Dinosaur Hunter''?

'''Josh''': Was she dating Creator/TedDanson at this point?[[note]]Danson infamously hosted a roast for then-girlfriend Goldberg in full blackface.[[/note]]

--->'''Description''': [[BlatantLies Jay commits suicide live in the video. Rich Evans dies of a heart attack.]] Mike survives the viewing with mild PTSD and a hangover and [[TrueMeaningOfChristmas Josh learns the magic of Christmas]].

--->'''Rich''': Well, Mike, I think you could call that video a real [[{{Pun}} cat-astrophe]].\\
'''Mike''': You ain't [[{{Pun}} kitten]].\\
'''Rich''': You could even say that video was [[SubvertedPunchline a real piece of shit]].

--->'''Jay''': You have to give them some reason not to kill themselves.

--->'''Jay''': The last forty-five minutes of this movie- the driving force of the movie- has been Creator/FayeDunaway wanting to fuck a younger dude. Why is this a movie? This is ''awful''... It ''looks'' like a movie, but it doesn't ''operate'' like a movie.\\

--->'''Rich''': This movie has done for feminism what ''[[Film/TheBirthOfANation1915 Birth of a Nation]]'' did for equal rights!

--->'''Jack''': Listen, I grew up on a farm... *general laughter*\\
'''Jay''': You could end it right there. "I like ''Supergirl'' because I grew up on a farm."

--->'''Jack''': Every scene has a purpose. Every single little thing moves the story or characterization along, [[DamnedByFaintPraise almost like a movie should do]].

--->'''Jay''': Get out of the road, [[UnusuallyUninterestingSight rock monster]]!

--->'''Jay''': Mike, can you explain ''Ninja III''?\\
'''Mike''': I think ''Ninja III'' should explain itself.

--->'''Jack''': White people.\\
'''Mike''': ''[in a ValleyGirl accent]'' "See how easy it was?"

*** When the female protagonist [[ItMakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext starts an aerobics routine to fight off her demonic ninja possession]].
--->'''Jessi''': "I'm just gonna dance my problems away!"

--->'''Jessi''': Can't we just know that they drove there?

--->'''Rich:''' All of the valuable auction items, which came from a dollar store and are made out of plaster, are sitting on a folding [[{{Malaproper}} chable]] covered with a dirty tablecloth -
--->'''Jack:''' What - what's a "chable"?
--->'''Rich:''' Chable? Folding table--okay. (''gives Jack a highly unamused DeathGlare'')

--->'''Jay''': The fact that [[VisibleBoomMic the boom mic showed up a few times]] [[DamnedByFaintPraise means that they thought to use a boom mic]].

-->'''Everyone''': Ooooh fuck!\\

--->'''Jack''': This... is actually happening?

--->'''Mike''': They look like they fell through a thrift store.

*** Mike gets excited at the prospect of a bad dummy shot when a {{Mook}} is thrown off a ledge, only to be disappointed when the scene is actually performed by a competent stuntman.

--->'''Mike''': This was edited by Creator/SalvadorDali.

--->'''Ted Danson''': But it's pretty obvious, I think, that the one thing the guy wants is sex- and rightly so! [[LaughingAtYourOwnJokes *laughs*]]\\

--->'''Mike''': Ironically, they're nothing but bones at this point.

--->'''Jessi''': Linda kept fucking up! She was the worst! She was seriously the worst osteoporosis dancer I've ever seen.\\
'''Mike''': [[OverlyNarrowSuperlative And there's only two of them, so that's pretty fucking bad.]]

--->'''Mike''': It was like the filming of ''Film/ApocalypseNow'' with even more heart attacks!

--->'''Rich Evans''': Was Whoopi Goldberg comfortable doing this? ''*in studio exec voice*'' "We're going to make a movie where you're playing a racist!"\\

--->'''Josh''': A truck explodes to stop them talking.\\
'''Rich''': That's the screenwriter saying, "We've got to stop this banter immediately! Abort! Abort!"

--->'''Rich:''' "You have a CharacterArc now."

--->'''Rich''': "[[UnusuallyUninterestingSight I just saw a woman lay an egg.]]"

--->'''Rich''': Gene Siskel had a good laugh after giving ''that'' a thumbs-up. He's like, [[CrossesTheLineTwice "Fuck it, I'm dying;]] ''[[CrossesTheLineTwice thumbs up!"]]''

-->'''Jack''': [[RefugeInAudacity No other movie has made me feel as much as]] ''Film/TheodoreRex''.

--->'''Jack''': You can't kill ''Theodore Rex''! It's a masterpiece!

---> '''Mike''': Why, it looks like we're both wearing the same Halloween costume this year: [[SelfDeprecation horrible white trash that can't dress themselves]]. You even smell like a dumpster! Way to go fully in with the costume.

*** Upon reading the back of the box's claims that ''The Item'' was "[[BlatantLies a Sundance groundbreaker.]]"[[note]]While the movie did play at the Sundance Film Festival, it certainly didn’t receive high marks there.[[/note]]
--->'''Mike''': I don't think this ever played at Sundance. Maybe someone [[LiteralMetaphor broke it on the ground outside of Sundance]]."

--->'''Jack''': No, honey no! Oh no, not for this movie! Don't do it for this movie!

--->'''Mike''': Look, this was shot over a year! This is like the ''Film/{{Boyhood}}'' of ice dam videos, [[TakeThat except much more emotional and I'm invested in it]].

--->'''Caption:''' [[DoNotDoThisCoolThing Please do not update Frank Miller's Wikipedia page to include the fact that he wrote the lyrics to the "Ninja Rap" song]] in ''[[Film/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtlesIITheSecretOfTheOoze Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze'']].\\

--->'''Rich''': The video's 35 minutes long and it took them 20 minutes to film it.

--> '''Rich:''' Yes, of course, that's a wonderful thing to bring up during this [[MoodWhiplash cheerful holiday discussion]] about Star Wars!
--> '''Jay:''' Younger people, that's a pretty good way to approach it actually, pre-September 11th, post-September 11th.
--> '''Jack:''' [[OnlySaneMan No!]]
--> '''Jay:''' It was a different time, Jack.
--> '''Jack:''' Not many people knew about the Star Wars Holiday Special, but some people knew about September 11th
--> '''Mike:''' [[RefugeInAudacity They're very, very similar]].
--> '''Jay:''' So Rich, you watched this. [[CrossesTheLineTwice You watched this on September 11th]], [[ComicallyMissingThePoint that's what you were talking about]]?
--> '''Rich:''' Well, it's just I think disaster was on my mind, so obviously that led to the Star Wars Holiday Special
--> '''Jay:''' (to Jack) This is all staying in, by the way.

--->'''Fun Fact''': Rich is asking a question Jack answered 30 seconds ago because he's not paying attention.

--->'''Fun Fact''': Jay is mostly incorrect.

--->'''Rich''': You ever went to Lucas Ranch, it's got a sign on the door, it says: "No Girls Allowed". (''imitating George Lucas'') "You gotta climb up the ladder to get into the CGI rooms. I founded Pixar right over there on that branch."

'''Jack''': *hums "[[Music/ThirdEyeBlind Semi-Charmed Life]]" and dances awkwardly* Yeah, I do.\\

'''Jay''': ''Jurassic Park'' is a great movie, right? I'm going to say that ''Jurassic Park'' is the worst thing to ever happen to dinosaurs. [[CrossesTheLineTwice And that includes when they all died.]] Because, in the wake of ''Jurassic Park'', there was renewed interest in dinosaurs. We've got all these dinosaur movies, Jack. *pulls out a comically tall stack of tapes* I mean, there's '''three''' ''Film/{{Prehysteria}}'' movies, ''Film/AdventuresInDinosaurCity''...\\
'''Jack''': That sounds awesome, a whole city made of dino- *Jay holds up ''Film/SuperMarioBros1993''* oh.\\

** Jack and Jay note that the back of ''Theodore Rex'' emphasizes that Creator/WhoopiGoldberg was a recent Academy Award winner and question how many other first-time Oscar winners turn to dinosaur movies for their next project. Jay jokes that Cuba Gooding, Jr., did that one movie where he ran [[Film/SnowDogs a sled team of dinosaurs]].

--->'''Rich Evans''': Was Whoopi Goldberg comfortable doing this? *in studio exec voice* "We're going to make a movie where you're playing a racist!"\\

--->'''Caption:''' Please do not update Frank Miller's Wikipedia page to include the fact that he wrote the lyrics to the "Ninja Rap" song in ''[[Film/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtlesIITheSecretOfTheOoze Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze'']].\\

* ''The Star Wars Holiday Special'' video has the panel go out of its way NOT to discuss the the special itself, constantly going off-topic to discuss new movies, new trailers, and life stories.

** Rich theorizes that Wookies and Ewoks both live in tree houses because George Lucas' father never built one for him when he was a child.

---->'''Mike:''' In the middle of the dinner party, it cuts to them in front of a brick wall, and Lethal Ninja is now in a (laughing) HAMBURGLAR COSTUME -

** Jay wonders whether the bored looking executive featured on the first Dunkin' Donuts tape was happy. Rich seriously responds that he was probably just disinterested in the video and probably would have been happy once he went home to count his dollars. However, a typical Rich flub leads this line to come out as "count his donuts".

*** The noticeable lack of Shoji for the first half of the tape leads Mike to call it [[{{Pun}} "The No-Shoji Tabuchi Show"]] to a chorus of accompanying groans.

--->'''Rich''': Well, Mike, I think you could call that video a real [[IncrediblyLamePun cat-astrophe]].\\
'''Mike''': You ain't [[IncrediblyLamePun kitten]].\\

*** The noticeable lack of Shoji for the first half of the tape leads Mike to call it [[IncrediblyLamePun "The No-Shoji Tabuchi Show"]] to a chorus of accompanying groans.

--->'''Rich''': I am [[IncrediblyLamePun Shock-ma'd]].

*** The panel agree that the film's last ten minutes, which features an assassin dressed as an elderly woman knocking over a man in a wheelchair and pulling out a handgun from under his dress at a funeral, is a SoBadItsGood sequence that briefly brings the movie to the level of films like ''Film/TheRoom'' and ''Film/Troll2''.

** The highlight of ''Python 2'' for the panel is a strange-looking Russian soldier with a distinctive voice they name [[Film/TheRoom Tommy Wiseau]].

*** Rich calls the actor who played the Human Torch "the love child of Denny and "The Underwears Guy" from ''Film/TheRoom''."

--->'''Rich:''' Chable? Folding table--okay. (''gives Jack the mother of all DeathGlares'')

--->'''Rich:''' All of the valuable auction items, which came from a dollar store and are made out of plaster, are sitting on a folding chable covered with a dirty tablecloth -

--->'''Rich:''' Chable? Folding table--okay.

*** Rich and special guest, Freddie Williams III discuss Creator/FrankMiller's influence on the ''Franchise/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles''. Mike jokes about Frank Miller also writing the song "Go Ninja! Go Ninja! Go!" by Music/VanillaIce for [[Film/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtlesIITheSecretOfTheOoze the second TMNT movie]]. Then Fred jokes about how people should edit his Wikipedia page to include that.

--->'''Rich''': Gene Siskel had a good laugh after giving ''that'' a thumbs-up. He's like, [[CrossesTheLineTwice "Fuck it, I'm dying;]] ''[[CrossesTheLineTwice thumbs ups!"]]''

** The entire ''Osteoporosis Dance'' segment turns [[CrossesTheLineTwice crossing lines into an art form]] and consists mainly of Mike cracking jokes at the expense of the elderly while Jessie and Colin nearly wet themselves laughing; Colin actually barely speaks at all because he's too busy laughing at Mike's relentless barrage. Jim the whole time keeps a straight face until he finally cracks with one of his own jokes.

* Episode 16: ''Wheel of the Worst'' #4 [[note]]''Kitten Kommotion'', Dunkin' Donuts videos, ''The Shoji Tobuchi Show''[[/note]]

** The panel is at a complete loss in assessing Shoji Tobuchi and his show, comparing him to Creator/TommyWiseau in how his lack of charisma becomes its own kind of charisma. Mike goes a step further and speculates that his success in spite of a lack of charm or exceptional talent, like with Wiseau, could only be attributed to independent wealth. The idea of a man aiming to buy his way to stardom by setting up an elaborate theater and stage-show [[FlyoverCountry in Branson, Missouri]] is insane, hilarious, and, best of all, potentially true.

*** The crew notice that the featured accordion player from Milwaukee shares a noticeable resemblance to Jeffrey Dahmer, joking that it's possible he joined The Shoji Tobuchi Show for a season before becoming a serial killer.

--> '''Rick:''' Well, it's just I think disaster was on my mind, so obviously that led to the Star Wars Holiday Special

'''Jack''': That sounds awesome, a whole city made of dino- *Jay holds up ''Film/SuperMarioBros''* oh.\\

'''Jack:''' That wasn't normal!\\

*** Jay ends up warmly thanking Bob Rosenthal at the end of video [[spoiler:because it was only five minutes long]].

** After a debate about which tape was the worst without a conclusive agreement, Rich cuts in and says he knows exactly what they need to destroy. [[spoiler:Hard cut to the Wheel sitting in a dumpster.]]

** The slow burn realization of exactly what the "SOS" video is: [[spoiler:it's a Japanese version of a tape put out by the Christian cult called the Family International, featuring music videos with anti-evolution, anti-abortion, rapture and "barcodes are the mark of Satan" themes.]] The entire segment is astonishing.

** Rich and Mike destroy the worst tape with the power of breakdancing, featuring some spot-on 80s editing, camerawork, and costumes juxtaposed with their complete lack of talent or athleticism. [[spoiler:Predictably, it ends with Rich breaking his back and Mike and the cameraman running away from his cries of pain.]]

** When the panel vote [[spoiler:to destroy ''Theodore Rex'']], Jack actually ''squeals'' in protest.
--->'''Jack''': [[spoiler:You can't kill ''Theodore Rex''! It's a masterpiece!]]

** They talk about "Rich Evans Reacts to ''Franchise/StarWars: Film/TheForceAwakens'' Trailer", acting like they don't know who that was in the video, but talking about how embarrassing it must be to have a viral image of yourself [[spoiler: simulating masturbation with a droid toy while wearing a Darth Vader mask]]. Rich nearly melts into the floor from resigned embarrassment, all while that particular scene plays on a loop while they talk about it.

** The RunningGag of someone (usually Jack) pointing out that they've gone off-topic [[spoiler:and returning to an earlier tangent, the special completely forgotten]].

** Part 2 does involve actual discussion of the movie. It all ends wonderfully with [[spoiler: the group realizing that if they destroyed their copies they'd be doing George Lucas a favor. Cue a montage of the gang duplicating and shipping out the Holiday Special just to spite Lucas.]]

* Episode 17: ''Film/{{Supergirl}}'', ''Film/CaptainAmerica1990'', ''Film/TheFantasticFour''

** The panel is incredulous at ''Supergirl'''s [[IdiotPlot excuse for a plot]], with Josh going so far as to say that the film is essentially nothing a series of random "shenanigans" and Rich calling it "a sexually-fueled cat fight". Jack says that there ''is'' a plot, but everyone involved in the movie just forgot about it halfway through.

'''Justine Bateman''': *appears in a cartoon bubble next to Danson's head* Come on!\\

** While the panel discusses the death of the town whore by the vines in ''The Crawlers'', Mike jokingly wonders why the girl was so afraid of the vines when she could just use them to sexually satisfy herself. The camera then zooms in on Jessi, sporting an expression as if she's having second thoughts about Mike.