History Funny / BestOfTheWorst

'''Bible Baby:''' On Sunday, he puts on his spiritual best and gives his language a spiritual rest!\\
He's just a fat little baby! He wants his bottle, and he don't mean maybe!\\
He samples solid foods once or twice, but he says doctrine leaves him cold as ice!\\

-->'''Bible Baby:''' His spiritual tummy, it can't take too much!\\

He samples solid foods once or twice, but doctrine leaves him cold as ice!\\
'''Jay:''' The [[PrecisionFStrike fuck is she singing about?!]]

** As Mike is reading off of the back of the ''Silent Night, Deadly Night 5'' box, he calls attention to the fact that Creator/MickeyRooney's character is named "Joe Petto"[[note]]which Mike briefly misreads as "Joe ''[[PedoHunt Pedo]]''"[[/note]], but he has a son named [[WhoNamesTheirKidDude "Pino Pedo"]]. During the cut to the screening of the movie, Jack realizes to his horror that [[CassandraTruth Mike wasn't joking about the kid's name]].

*** When it comes time for voting, [[CommanderContrarian Mike]] [[FiveSecondForeshadowing makes a point of stating Mee Christmas isn't getting picked]], and that [[SayingTooMuch only a jackass would vote for it,]] [[SpottingTheThread something Jack and Rich quickly catch on to]]. After Josh picks ''Cancel Christmas'', Mike decides to have Rich go next instead of Jack... whereupon Rich decides to give Mike an early Christmas present [[FaceHeelTurn and vote for Mee Christmas himself,]] [[{{Troll}} which prompts Mike to announce his own vote without hesitation,]] [[ThisCannotBe much to Jack's growing dismay]].

** Following their discussion of "High Impact Hand Safety" , Mike and Rich call the production company's number as Harry S. Plinkett and Harry G. Plinkett, leaving a voice message asking if they could be held liable for Harry S. Plinkett cutting his hand by masturbating against a combine.

----> '''Mike:''' Wow, Rich, you held on to that AIDS longer than Magic Johnson!

--->'''Jack''': You don't always hit with your jokes but we can count on you at least once a month.

--->'''Rich''': This is like if somebody asked Rich Evans to design a ''nuclear reactor''.

--->'''Mike''': That's ''fuckin' funny!''

--->'''Mike''': Rich, you put the "cock" in Cockney.\\
'''Rich''': I put the cock in my mouth. (''everybody starts laughing'') ''[[DidIJustSayThatOutLoud What?]]''\\

'''Jay''': Can you be special guest editor for just that one line? You could somehow find a way to stretch it out to fifteen minutes!

---->'''Josh''': (''during the viewing'') It sounded like he was fuckin'--like, going off stage!\\
'''Mike''': (''during the discussion'') ''[[Film/ThisIsSpinalTap THANK YOU, CLEVELAND, GOOD NIIIIIIIIGHHT!!!]]''

--->'''Mike''': They talked about someone's chaps! Talk about the video!

---->'''Liz''': (to Slick) Why would you watch the channel that tries to sell you something? [[InnocentlyInsensitive You haven't got any money!]]

---->'''Liz''': (to Slick) Do you have your homework done?
---->'''Josh''': (as Slick) I don't have any homework, I'm ''35''!
---->'''Jay''': (as Slick) And poor!
---->'''Liz''': Have you done the dishes like your mom asked you to?
---->'''Josh''': (as Slick) ''She's dead!''

---> '''Jay''': (''acting out excitement'') "''40 dollars!?''"

----> '''Mike''': (''chuckling'') Rich...Rich approves!\\
'''Rich''': (''smiling, nodding in agreement'') I do, I do!

--->'''Mike''': [[OnceMoreWithClarity (offscreen) I'm pulling that out-of-context.]]\\
'''Jay''': [[HowWeGotHere (offscreen) Just do that after]] ''[[HowWeGotHere every]]'' [[HowWeGotHere video they turn to.]]\\

'''Rich''': [[ActuallyPrettyFunny You better do that.]]

---> '''Mike''': HELLO, and welcome to ''Red Letter Media's HAUNTED MUSEUM''. [''poses awkwardly''] We've collected many haunted objects from around the ''glob-ee'', haunted objects like: haunted dolls, haunted clocks, haunted dolls, haunted goblets, haunted bird cages, ''haunted dolls'', haunted tea pots, [[BrokenRecord haunted dolls]], haunted objects from around the ''rowld''.

----> '''Tim''': "Remember when you were 6 and I was 22??"
----> '''Rich''': "Do you remember when I ''groomed you''? I was your barber for sixteen years!"

---> '''Mike''': For one, brief moment in time, Rich Evans is a winner. The Junka pile precariously balances on one tape, for a moment. A moment so short, in fact, it's less than one one-hundredth of a second. Through editing I have the power to pause time, and let him relish in his victory, although short as it may be. For, alas, all good things must come to an end. And it is with a gentle nudge that I usher Rich Evans back into reality, a reality where he is ''never'' a winner. And he will '''''always''''' be a loser.

---> '''Mike''': It was your tape, it was ''your'' tape, you pervert! Sick fuck.

----> '''Jay''': (''laughing uproariously'') Is this written by Creator/JohnWaters?

---> '''Mike''': I was more aroused watching this than this S&M workout video. I'm ashamed to say!\\

'''Jay''': (''in montage'') It starts, and they just keep talking about, like, how, like, ''hot'' their bodies are! [...] "But they have the bodies of ''hot men!''" [...] "They're all ''sexy'', right?" [...] "You want a ''hot, sexy bod'' like these mastodon men!" [...] They're--the ''hot bodies'' of mastodons... [...] The ''hot bod''. [...] "They're ''hot!'' You wanna be ''hot'' like them, eat ice cream!"

---> '''Mike''': This is the best video I think I've ever seen on Best of the Worst.

---> '''Jay''': Does Rich get this reference?\\
'''Mike''': No.\\
'''Rich''': ''No.'' [...] I know "[[{{Music/WeirdAlYankovic}} Amish Paradise]]", does that count?

---->'''Jack''': It reminds me a lot of when [[Film/ManOfSteel Zach Snyder took over Superman]], and he just kinda, like, [[BuffySpeak forgot all of his Supermany stuff]]. And so, like, "This is Superman, as a creepy, awkward alien, who's spying on all the children."

---->'''Mike''': I kept waiting for someone to FUCK that TEACHER! Anybody, I don't care who! [[CallForward Mickey Rooney]], somebody fuck that teacher!!

----> '''Rich''': Man, f['''''BLEEP''''']in', she's f['''''BLEEP''''']in' taking f['''''BLEEP''''']in' shotgun rounds to the f['''''BLEEP''''']in' chest, directly to the f['''''BLEEP''''']ing sternum! You can...you can see the f['''''BLEEP''''']ing hole!

--->'''Jay''': (off-camera) [[MathematiciansAnswer Oh, it's a weird little animated thing.]]
--->'''Mike''': ''Fuck off!''

---->'''Rich''': [''instrumental of "O Tannenbaum" begins playing underneath''] I mean it is all--really, Christmas is all about greed. It really is! You can tell a kid they're not getting Christmas gifts; what the ''fuck'' do you think is gonna happen? Christmas is about ''unmitigated'' '''''greed'''''. All of these movies about the Christmas spirit, '''IT'S ALL FUCKING BULLSHIT!''' AND-AND-AND-AND deep in your hearts, '''''you know I'm right!!'''''\\
'''Jack''': That's why the winner of this is repacked, public domain cartoons! [[{{Film/RoboCop1987}} I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!]]\\

** During his broad summary of the plot of ''Cancel Christmas'', Mike [[SelfServingMemory claims]] that as part of their disguise on Earth, Santa and his elf lackey [[ShockingSwerve kill a janitor]].[[note]]This is despite the fact that we are ''clearly shown during the screening'' that the elf tricked the janitor into taking a vacation, so he can pretend to be a janitor himself.[[/note]] Josh and Jack quickly realize something's wrong with that, but Mike refuses to give them a word edgewise.

** Mike asks what a Tinder profile for pedos would be called, then realizes it would be "Kinder!" [[note]] the German word for children, not kinder[[/note]] Josh gets more upset by how he missed the obvious pun than the joke itself.

** Tim, Jay and Mike each pick one of three movies, requiring Rich to be the tie-breaker. He instead chooses ''{{Film/Rhinestone}}'', which has been sitting on a shelf within his line of vision for the entire discussion.

*** Some of the lines spoken throughout the tape tickle the group, including: "If you don't ''breathe'', I will ''beat you'' with my ''stethoscope''!", "It's ''criminal'' not to have a ''great ass!''" and a very curt "Now I'm gonna whip you!"

*** Among the men that Asbestos Felt's character suspects his wife is cheating on him with, one is their neighbor, a noticeably older man who is identified by Felt as his best friend.

** Among the films that ''Vampire Riderz'' is derivative of, ''[[Film/Blade1998 Blade]]'' is mentioned by Mike, accompanied by an image of the DVD cover for ''[[CallBack Vampire Assassin]]''.

*** Colin remarks that one of the films explosions was "bigger than the one in ''{{Film/Oppenheimer}}''".

---> '''Jay''': (''acting out excitement'') "''40 dollars!?''"\\

** The [=McNamara=] Brothers, of ''Twin Dragon Encounter'' and ''Dragon Hunt'', appear again in ''Back in Action'' as henchmen who get beaten up by Billy Blanks. Rich asks how the brothers could have agreed to play a role in which they lose a fight, which Mike responds to by miming an executive signing a check.

'''Colin''': (''with an exaggerated Canadian accent'') "Okay!"\\
'''Mike''': (''also affecting an accent'') "''FOURRRTY Canada bucks??''"\\
'''Rich''': "Split two ''ways''??"

* It's not a real episode, but it's part of RLM's BotW playlist so it's going here: ''We Finally Watched Nukie: The VHS Grading Video'', in which Mike, Rich, and Jay explore the VHS tape speculation market and attempt to corner it themselves.

** The [=McNamara=] Brothers, of ''Twin Dragon Encounter'' and ''Dragon Hunt'', appear again as henchmen in ''Back in Action'' who get beaten up by Billy Blanks. Rich asks how the brothers could have agreed to play a role in which they lose a fight, which Mike responds to by miming an executive signing a check.

*** This in turn prompts Rich to argue that an [[Literature/AtlasShrugged Ann Rand-ian]] Santa would be a much better Santa for this movie.

** For no reason what's so ever, Mike's way of segueing into the ''Silent Night, Deadly Night 5'' discussion is to scream. Rich says "It was like glitching back in."[[note]]Naturally, when it comes time for ''Mee Christmas'', Rich decides to scream as well.[[/note]]

---->'''Rich''': I mean it is all--really, Christmas is all about greed. It really is! You can tell a kid they're not getting Christmas gifts; what the ''fuck'' do you think is gonna happen? Christmas is about ''unmitigated'' '''''greed'''''. All of these movies about the Christmas spirit, '''IT'S ALL FUCKING BULLSHIT!''' AND-AND-AND-AND deep in your hearts, '''''you know I'm right!!'''''\\

'''Rich''': "''[[{{Malaproper}} Wee Christmas]]''" is the TRUE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! THE '''''TRUE''''' CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!! IT'S SHOVELING OUT ''CRAP'' IN THE DOLLAR STORES UNDER FALSE PRETENSES TO MAKE A ''QUICK, FUCKING'' '''''BUCK!''''' '''''MEERRRRRRY CHRISTMAS, MOTHER FUCKER!!!'''''

** For some reason, Santa's human disguise on Earth in ''Cancel Christmas'' makes him look more like Satan than Santa, something not helped by Judd Nelson unintentionally choosing to act like he's in a horror movie[[note]]"weird and alienating, and far too knowledgeable"[[/note]]. Jack promptly compares this to [[TakeThat Zach Snyder's version of Superman]].
--->'''Jack''': It reminds me a lot of when [[Film/ManOfSteel Zach Snyder took over Superman]], and he just kinda, like, [[BuffySpeak forgot all of his Supermany stuff]]. And so, like, "This is Superman, as a creepy, awkward alien, who's spying on all the children."

** Mike demanding that the movie turn into a porno.
--->'''Mike''': I kept waiting for someone to FUCK that TEACHER! Anybody, I don't care who! [[CallForward Mickey Rooney]], somebody fuck that teacher!!
** Eventually, Mike just comes forward and admits [[KickTheDog to wishing Judd Nelson was dead]].
** For no reason what's so ever, Mike's way of segueing into the ''Silent Night, Deadly Night 5'' discussing is to scream. "It was like glitching back in."
*** Naturally, when it comes time for ''Mee Christmas'', Rich decides to scream as well.

** When it comes time for voting, [[CommanderContrarian Mike]] [[FiveSecondForeshadowing makes a point of stating Mee Christmas isn't getting picked]], and that [[SayingTooMuch only a jackass would vote for it,]] [[SpottingTheThread something Jack and Rich quickly catch on to]]. After Josh picks ''Cancel Christmas'', Mike decides to have Rich go next instead of Jack... whereupon Rich decides to give Mike an early Christmas present [[FaceHeelTurn and vote for Mee Christmas himself,]] [[{{Troll}} which prompts Mike to announce his own vote without hesitation,]] [[ThisCannotBe much to Jack's growing dismay]].

** All of this of course builds into what the video climaxes on: [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech Rich's closing rant about how shitty Christmas is]]:
--->'''Rich''': I mean it is all--really, Christmas is all about greed. It really is! You can tell a kid they're not getting Christmas gifts; what the ''fuck'' do you think is gonna happen? Christmas is about ''unmitigated'' '''''greed'''''. All of these movies about the Christmas spirit, '''IT'S ALL FUCKING BULLSHIT!''' AND-AND-AND-AND deep in your hearts, '''''you know I'm right!!'''''
--->'''Jack''': That's why the winner of this is repacked, public domain cartoons! [[{{Film/RoboCop1987}} I'D BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!]]
--->'''Rich''': "''[[{{Malaproper}} Wee Christmas]]''" is the TRUE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! THE '''''TRUE''''' CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!! IT'S SHOVELING OUT ''CRAP'' IN THE DOLLAR STORES UNDER FALSE PRETENSES TO MAKE A ''QUICK, FUCKING'' '''''BUCK!''''' '''''MEERRRRRRY CHRISTMAS, MOTHER FUCKER!!!'''''