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* [[http://www.badassoftheweek.com/messner.html Reinhold Messner]] "...pimp-slapping the Himalayas in the Kanchenjunga"


--> ''...Ivar, who I'm pretty sure gets his wide-grasping epithet because he was literally able to grope TWO BOOBS AT THE SAME TIME...''

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--> ''...Ivar, who I'm pretty sure gets his wide-grasping epithet because he was literally able to grope [[LargeHam TWO BOOBS AT THE SAME TIME...TIME]]...''



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* [[http://badassoftheweek.com/index.cgi?id=434873628949 Harald Wartooth]]'s grandfather, Ivar the Wide-Grasping, got an explanation for his unique title that will likely surprise you and leave you tittering for a while:
--> ''...Ivar, who I'm pretty sure gets his wide-grasping epithet because he was literally able to grope TWO BOOBS AT THE SAME TIME...''


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-->''Germanicus marched to the Rhine, built a fleet out of logs he chopped down with his dick, sailed them down and across the North Sea, and braved a terrible storm that he only managed to survive by cutting down his men's clothes and using them as sails after every oar, mast, and sail in the fleet had been destroyed [[RealityEnsues (this is the downside of trying to build large things with your penis)]].''

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-->''Germanicus marched to the Rhine, built a fleet out of logs he chopped down with his dick, sailed them down and across the North Sea, and braved a terrible storm that he only managed to survive by cutting down his men's clothes and using them as sails after every oar, mast, and sail in the fleet had been destroyed [[RealityEnsues (this is the downside of trying to build large things with your penis)]].''''

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-->''Legend has it that when the Holy Roman Empire heard that Zizka was laid up with two missing eyes, they mounted an attack on one of his fortresses. When Zizka heard about this, he immediately got out of bed, hopped on his horse, and started riding toward the battle, warning the Romans that they needed to [[AWorldwidePunomenon "Czech themselves before they wreck themselves".]] When the enemy soldiers heard he was coming for them, they dropped their shit and bolted without firing a shot.''

to:

-->''Legend has it that when the Holy Roman Empire heard that Zizka was laid up with two missing eyes, they mounted an attack on one of his fortresses. When Zizka heard about this, he immediately got out of bed, hopped on his horse, and started riding toward the battle, warning the Romans that they needed to [[AWorldwidePunomenon [[{{Pun}} "Czech themselves before they wreck themselves".]] When the enemy soldiers heard he was coming for them, they dropped their shit and bolted without firing a shot.''


-->''Legend has it that when the Holy Roman Empire heard that Zizka was laid up with two missing eyes, they mounted an attack on one of his fortresses. When Zizka heard about this, he immediately got out of bed, hopped on his horse, and started riding toward the battle, warning the Romans that they needed to [[AWorldwidePunomenon "Czech themselves before the wreck themselves".]] When the enemy soldiers heard he was coming for them, they dropped their shit and bolted without firing a shot.''

to:

-->''Legend has it that when the Holy Roman Empire heard that Zizka was laid up with two missing eyes, they mounted an attack on one of his fortresses. When Zizka heard about this, he immediately got out of bed, hopped on his horse, and started riding toward the battle, warning the Romans that they needed to [[AWorldwidePunomenon "Czech themselves before the they wreck themselves".]] When the enemy soldiers heard he was coming for them, they dropped their shit and bolted without firing a shot.''


-->''Legend has it that when the Holy Roman Empire heard that Zizka was laid up with two missing eyes, they mounted an attack on one of his fortresses. When Zizka heard about this, he immediately got out of bed, hopped on his horse, and started riding toward the battle, warning the Romans that they needed to [[AWorldwidePunomenon "Czech themselves before the wreck themselves".]] When the enemy soldiers heard he was coming for them, they dropped their shit and bolted without firing a shot.''

to:

-->''Legend has it that when the Holy Roman Empire heard that Zizka was laid up with two missing eyes, they mounted an attack on one of his fortresses. When Zizka heard about this, he immediately got out of bed, hopped on his horse, and started riding toward the battle, warning the Romans that they needed to [[AWorldwidePunomenon "Czech themselves before the wreck themselves".]] When the enemy soldiers heard he was coming for them, they dropped their shit and bolted without firing a shot.''
* On Germanicus:
-->''Germanicus marched to the Rhine, built a fleet out of logs he chopped down with his dick, sailed them down and across the North Sea, and braved a terrible storm that he only managed to survive by cutting down his men's clothes and using them as sails after every oar, mast, and sail in the fleet had been destroyed [[RealityEnsues (this is the downside of trying to build large things with your penis)]].
''

Added DiffLines:

** "Australia is a terrible place that leaves none but the strongest (or the gayest, for some peculiar reason) alive."


-->''The Commander wrote in his report the next day that they were "wonderful madmen", which was pretty much just a cleaned-up version of what he actually said when he was out there, which was something a little more akin to, [[SophisticatedAsHell "Holy Fuck Balls Sweet Jesus Cinnamon Titties Motherfuck"]].''



-->''Legend has it that when the Holy Roman Empire heard that Zizka was laid up with two missing eyes, they mounted an attack on one of his fortresses. When Zizka heard about this, he immediately got out of bed, hopped on his horse, and started riding toward the battle, warning the Romans that they needed to [[AWorldwidePunomenon "Czech themselves before the wreck themselves".]] When the enemy soldiers heard he was coming for them, they dropped their shit and bolted without firing a shot.''
-->''The Commander wrote in his report the next day that they were "wonderful madmen", which was pretty much just a cleaned-up version of what he actually said when he was out there, which was something a little more akin to, [[SophisticatedAsHell "Holy Fuck Balls Sweet Jesus Cinnamon Titties Motherfuck"]].''

to:

-->''Legend has it that when the Holy Roman Empire heard that Zizka was laid up with two missing eyes, they mounted an attack on one of his fortresses. When Zizka heard about this, he immediately got out of bed, hopped on his horse, and started riding toward the battle, warning the Romans that they needed to [[AWorldwidePunomenon "Czech themselves before the wreck themselves".]] When the enemy soldiers heard he was coming for them, they dropped their shit and bolted without firing a shot.''
-->''The Commander wrote in his report the next day that they were "wonderful madmen", which was pretty much just a cleaned-up version of what he actually said when he was out there, which was something a little more akin to, [[SophisticatedAsHell "Holy Fuck Balls Sweet Jesus Cinnamon Titties Motherfuck"]].
''

Added DiffLines:

* Discussing Jan Zizka:
-->''Legend has it that when the Holy Roman Empire heard that Zizka was laid up with two missing eyes, they mounted an attack on one of his fortresses. When Zizka heard about this, he immediately got out of bed, hopped on his horse, and started riding toward the battle, warning the Romans that they needed to [[AWorldwidePunomenon "Czech themselves before the wreck themselves".]] When the enemy soldiers heard he was coming for them, they dropped their shit and bolted without firing a shot.''


->''The Commander wrote in his report the next day that they were "wonderful madmen", which was pretty much just a cleaned-up version of what he actually said when he was out there, which was something a little more akin to, [[SophisticatedAsHell "Holy Fuck Balls Sweet Jesus Cinnamon Titties Motherfuck"]].''

to:

->''The -->''The Commander wrote in his report the next day that they were "wonderful madmen", which was pretty much just a cleaned-up version of what he actually said when he was out there, which was something a little more akin to, [[SophisticatedAsHell "Holy Fuck Balls Sweet Jesus Cinnamon Titties Motherfuck"]].''

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