Reviews: The Ugly Barnacle

They call this a story?

The Ugly Barnacle is one of the legends of Bikini Bottom literature, telling an epic tale of one barnacle and its tragic- Oh let me puke, this story (And I'll question the validity of that statement later) is boring, boring, boring, the villain is kinda non-existent and ridiculous flat, the characters are dull, the plot isn't engaging and it didn't help at all.

Now may I question the validity of The Ugly Barnacle as a story, firstly, the barnacle does absolutely nothing to change its environment, it exists and...sits on its ass (or face, hard to tell) for forty deciseconds, that is not a story, the protagonist does nothing to change the plot, it has a plan yes, and it may even be realistic, but it isn't a story, and that bothers me that Spongebob is supposed to listen to a non-story.

There's not a whole lot more I can say about this except how much I fucking despise Star as an author, yes I understand that being ugly sucks major balls, you don't have to bend the rules of reality and pull a Diabolus ex Machina out of your ass to end your stories. He does it in I'm Squidward I'm Squidward Squidward Squidward Squidward, The Inner Machinations Of My Mind Are An Enigma, and this abomination, why would you do that bullshit once, not to mention three times? (If not more, I don't know his work that well.)

Please, explain to me how this piece of mayonnaise is in any way palatable or should be held up as an example of an instrument. (Yes I realize I'm being trollish, please rise above my poorly written anger and defeat me with cool logic and stunning wordplay, not YOU SUCK!!! FAEGOT!!!)

Everyone is a single person

Come on people, think about it. For this story to grow deep, only one person(named Everyone) can die.

That way, we could imagine that this Everyone is weak. We could imagine that everyone hated the ugly barnacle for killing some one.

There is more than than one assumption we can make about the Ugly Barnacle, you know.

Controversial Opinion: I think it helped

At first glance "The Ugly Barnacle" seems like an abyss of nihilism, a pit of despair that helps no one. Indeed in terms of narrative, people talk about the importance of what they see as the last words..."everyone died."

What a horrific tragic fate! All life perishes, all dreams are left unfilled, all dignities violated, all potentials squandered, it would seem to be in fact as horrible as ending as you could possibly get. It is perhaps at first glance the least helpful an ending one could possible have. How can anyone be helped by that. Why by anyone standards surely it must be the worst possible state to be in.


Because "everyone dies." are not the final words of the story. If you've seen the tale of the story's creation you will notice that Patrick has a serious expression, with great wide eyes, for the majority of the telling of the story, as if recounted a horrible tale, all the way through "everyone dies." But then he speaks the final words "The End" with a gleeful grin. It's almost if it's a relief.....and in fact when you truly think about it, it is!

"Everyone died.....THE END." That's it. Closure. Finality. The World got to it's lowest point, the death of all life at once, but that's it. There's no more pain, no more suffering, you can't fall any further when you have reached the lowest abyss. You have reached the end. You were in suffering but now there is no more. You can't suffer any more. When you have reached the bottom, surely there is nowhere to go but up.

No matter how ugly you are, even if your visage is so horrible to cause people to run away or even to die at your presence...things will become better. If you have reached your lowest point, if it feels like that there is nothing good left, then the next thing that happens after The End. That's a new story, that's a new tale to tell with it's own sad sides and happy sides. Even if all life ends, life returns as evidenced by the clear fact that he's telling the story to begin with. No matter how bad it seems, the story will come to an end, and a new story will begin.

So let the critics proclaim the story "didn't help at all." I say that in fact the story is the greatest help in the world, in a way that is beautifully expressive of one of the most profoundest emotional truths there is; If the story gets too bad, it'll end. And that's The End.

Putting Things in Perspective

People who criticize The Ugly Barnacle as "pointless" are missing the obvious point as highlighted by the context. SpongeBob was depressed about his (supposed) ugliness, so Patrick told him the story to remind him that no matter how bad things seem, they could always be worse. After all, SpongeBob wasn't killing people with ugliness. It may seem Anvilicious, but Some Anvils Need to Be Dropped, especially among the perpetual "Poor me, poor me" crowd.

God, I Love This Story

The simplicity just oozes with creativity, having the reader just imagine what kind of thing could cause genocide like that. And the whole thing was hilarious too, making this dark humor at it's finest. And... that's it, really.


Didn't help at all

The Ugly Barnacle, as a motivational story, falls flat. For the first half, the reader expects an uplifting spiritual journey of an ugly barnacle overcoming its physical flaws and learning to accept itself for what it is; the Downer Ending is a clear attempt to avert the Dead Horse Anviliciousness common to this type of tired tale, but overshoots its target and causes the reader to feel let down and possibly even more depressed than when they began. As a standalone work of fiction, it does fairly well, but I don't recommend The Ugly Barnacle if one hopes to feel better about oneself, or to assist another in the same; they will most likely find that it doesn't help at all.

An amazing tale of drama and sadness.

Once, there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.
At first it seems like a very simple tale, of a barnacle being so ugly that he kills everyone. But, if you look closer, you'll see that it is much more complex than it let on. You can imagine the pain the barnacle went through being ugly, the terror of the people that were killed by his ugliness, and his loneliness, being the last living creature left after such a tragedy. This raises questions though. How did he get so ugly? What made his ugliness so bad that it was lethal? And exactly how much is "everyone"? The beauty of this story, however, is that it is so blunt. It tells you what happens, but sets up no back story, leaving you to wonder the above points and more. If I had to guess, the barnacle ate some radioactive stuff, which in turn made him ugly. He was immune to the radiation he was giving off, and lived his normal life. But, the things he came in contact with got his radiation, and all died. He realized that he had killed everyone else in the world, as he was a traveler, and locked himself up, where he starved to death and himself died, and so EVERYONE DIED.
The end.
I would recommend this story to anyone who isn't afraid of being ugly, or is ugly and proud. If you do think you are ugly, you may find that it won't help at all.

Doesn't Live Up To Hype, But Still Worth the Read

When I first picked up The Ugly Barnacle, I was expecting something big. Something massive. There is so much praise for this book, I expected it to go above and beyond all expectations. What I got instead... doesn't.

Now, don't get me wrong. The Ugly Barnacle is not awful, and can still make for a nice read on a Sunday afternoon. It just doesn't quite live up to the expectations one gets from hearing other reviews. The characters, while there, seem flat and underdeveloped, and the twist comes completely out of nowhere. While I can respect a good surprise, it's better to provide some foreshadowing, or at least a couple of red herrings, to keep the reader guessing. The twist here isn't predicted at all, and isn't expected, meaning that this story loses the thrill of turning the page to the twist and trying to guess what it is.

However, despite the problems, The Ugly Barnacle does manage to convey a message about modern society, and how we are very obsessed with the physical appearance of people and objects, often forgetting that it's what's on the inside that counts. The barnacle is ugly. There's no ambiguity, no second opinions, it is ugly. However, in a perfect world, this wouldn't matter. The barnacle could live a happy life, not caring for it's appearance. In this world though, the fact that it is ugly causes everyone to react horribly, as they are obsessed with physical beauty. The message is strong here, and is conveyed very well by the author.

The Ugly Barnacle is by no means a perfect book. However, if one overlooks it's flaws, they can find a gripping tale with a strong message. Overall, I recommend picking this one up.


Short, Sad, and Tough.

Okay guys, seriously what the hell?

I absolutely fail to see why this thing is so critically acclaimed as it is. For one thing, it's not a book, or a show, or a movie, it's just a short joke in a Spongebob episode. I'd probably get all the hype if this sad excuse for a story was even mildly intriguing, but no, the punchline is that everyone died. The end. There was no build-up, no explanation of anything, no character development. It's just Patrick being a clueless knucklehead like usual. People are over-analyzing this so much that my forehead now has a hand print that won't go away for weeks. Seriously, people should stop caring so much about this short, unimportant joke.

NOTE: This troper is aware that this article was made for fun and all the analyzing is played for laughs. This troper just wanted to write this kind of review for this article as a joke.

Too many people miss the point

It's astounding how many readers complain that this story "doesn't help at all", and in the process reveal their ignorance. This controversial narrative has been criticized for not delivering a message it was clearly never supposed to have in the first place.

Of course "The Ugly Barnacle" doesn't help. It shouldn't, at least not in the way its sheltered critics want it to, because it reveals a harsh truth about how things work. Our wishy-washy, feel-good society has programmed us to believe, from birth, that it's what's on the inside that counts, that physical attractiveness doesn't and shouldn't matter in any capacity.

But the fact of the matter (as TUB teaches us) is that being physically unattractive does matter to others. In fact, it matters so much that everyone else on the planet may spontaneously drop dead because an individual is simply too ugly.

TUB's moral is a tough lesson to learn, and it isn't hard to understand why so many people reject it and choose to live in a fantasy realm. But TUB is a tale that nevertheless pulls no punches in revealing the reality of the world we live in, and it's all the better for it.

Such a beautiful story

The Ugly Barnacle was supposed to be a children's book, but since then it has been embraced by many. Why? Maybe because the story is so deep and, well, moving. It revolves around an ugly barnacle that, was, well, ugly.

However, was the barnacle really ugly, or was it just that everyone else was too selfish and shallow to realize that he was at least average-looking? This clearly shows how corrupt society has become and that if you don't conform everyone will leave you. No one tried to get to know the ugly barnacle. Maybe their hatred was what really made the barnacle ugly.

Or the barnacle just went on a murderous rampage and killed everyone.

The story isn't nearly as simple as Spongebob Squarepants leads us to believe. Really, it is much darker than one would expect and whenever I think about it, I weep. The characters were all well-rounded and fully developed.

I also like how much it gives us by Wild Mass Guessing. The story is so deep that we need, like, seven subpages.

You know why it didn't help at all? Because Spongebob didn't understand it. If he did then maybe it really would help. So what if everyone died? That doesn't mean it isn't a good story. And Patrick's voice clearly set the mood.

In short, The Ugly Barnacle is one of the most amazing children's books ever written and I am certain that it shows that in this dark world, there are a few sane people left.

You go, ugly barnacle. You go.

The Darkest Tale Ever Written

Yes. You read that title correctly. In all other stories, tiny cracks in the ceiling let in a tiny ray of light every once in a while, even if the entire thing is tragedy from beginning to end. Some beacon of hope, some small joy allowed to the characters before their lives fall apart . . . something. Not in The Ugly Barnacle.

The story begins in something of a dystopia. The titular character himself finds that he is ugly enough to garner pure, distilled hatred from his peers. However, in a fantastic take on the nature of bullying, the story implies misery on the part of the rest of the population as well. They do not taunt the ugly barnacle because it brings them pleasure, but because he is ugly, they have come to fear for their lives, as to them, the ugly barnacle is not an animal, but a beast. The amount of character development fit into such a short time is astounding.

Unfortunately, as the tale progresses, it becomes clear that the bullies' fear is not unwarranted. In the end, everyone dies. However you interpret the ending, it is a tragedy. Either the ugly barnacle is now, for the rest of his life, going to feel guilty about something he had no control over, or he's dead.

This thing is painted in various tones of pitch black. However, if you can make it through the cave, I think you'll find one of the greatest works of the 20th Century. Perhaps, however, it won't help at all.

A deeply moving tale of one's struggles with accidental mass genocide

In this thrilling tale, a young Barnacle, simply known as the Ugly Barnacle, has became so physically mutated and abnormally disfigured that he becomes a creature so grotesque that the mere sight of him caused his peers to spontaneously succumb to an untimely demise. Shocked at the horror of what the Ugly Barnacle has caused, he is left flabbergasted, and the story is cut to a guessing, premature, ending. What will happen next to the heroic young Barnacle? How will his disfigurements be cured? Such interesting and important questions this psychologically stirring tale has left us. I highly recommend seeing this work, but I suggest not to tell depressed friends about this melancholy tale, as it wouldn't help lift their mood.