Reviews: The Punisher 2004

The Goddamn Punisher

Guns? Check. Explosions? Check. People being killed with explosions, guns, and sometimes exploding guns? You bet your ass there are. The movie opens with Castle in deep cover posing as what Hollywood thought German people dressed and acted like in the 90s. One might think that such a foolproof disguise, especially when coupled with the FBI's most state of the art dollar store wig, would be nigh indecipherable but oh shit! You thought wrong!

Frank absolutely gets a mafioso's son killed, the bad guys absolutely find him, and they they absolutely track his shit down to a family reunion in the tropics where everything seems to be going so goddamn well in Frank's life that even if he hadn't gotten that kid killed, his father would've still probably sent people to kill his family just to knock him down a peg.

Naturally, Frank finds this all to be a bit disagreeable and decides to spend his newfound free time voicing his complaints with the Saint family, who reply in turn by sending someone called only "The Russian" who appears to be some manner of cyborg or Orc.

He is fond of headbutts, which is appropriate because his face has the exact size and shape of a steam hammer. Eventually, Frank manages to beat the life out of this T-800 at great physical cost to himself. Unfortunately Saint had also sent a squad of goons to politely ask Frank to cease his tomfoolery, so Frank is escorted to his secret dungeon by Hot Neighbor whilst heroically leaving Fat Neighbor and Twiggy Neighbor to deal with the goons.

The goons immediately employ torture on Twiggy who refuses to either betray Frank or even so much as come up with a plausible lie about where he went. When asked why he did that for someone he didn't even know, he attributes it to the Power of Friendship which means this movie is appropriate for children.

Frank spends the last 1/4th of the film making good on his promise to employ guns, explosions, cunning ploys and medieval weaponry to carve a bloody swath out of the bits of Tampa the Saints used to inhabit and you bet your candy ass that it's the coolest shit you'll see outside of a dog park in Antarctica.

All in all, I give The Punisher 4.5 severed limbs out of 5 and heartily demand that you take the time out of your life in order to partake in this; the greatest visual masterpiece of our generation.