Reviews: Grown Ups

This movie is the epitome of everything horrible in Hollywood.

Rather than make a complicated introduction to this review that will suck up word space, I will just say I hated Grown Ups and go from there.

The main gimmick for this movie is that it stars Adam Sandler, Kevin James, David Spade, Chris Rock, and Rob Schneider. For those of you who love the bland and unchanging, you will be glad to know every actor is written the same way as their previous movies: Sandler is a Marty Stu movie agent married to Salma Hayek, Kevin James plays a fat, lovable oaf, Rock plays a sassy black guy, Spade is a listless, promiscuous bachelor, and Schneider is that guy who you never want to leave your kids with. There are other, far more likable characters in this movie, but FUCK THEM WE HAVE ADAM SANDLER.

What really made me angry about this movie is the plot. A basketball coach who was a major influence on all of the guys dies, they attend his funeral, they take a vacation at a lakeside bungalow, and... that is it. There is no overarching story, no conflict, nothing. The petty excuse of a climax is a basketball rematch mentioned about twice in the movie before the last 10 minutes. What makes it worse is that any good plots are quickly scrapped as soon as they are introduced. The guys' children hate them because they are living without technology? Don't worry, they start playing with tin can phones five minutes after! Hayek pissed off at her husband for making her skip an important business trip for an unexpected vacation? She just wipes her tears and gets back in the kitchen, like a good wife should. Spade supposedly sleeps with Schneider's daughter, which could cause a massive rift in their friendship? Used as a joke and nothing more.

Speaking of jokes in this movie, they suck. They can be sorted in three main categories: horrible one-liners and puns Sandler thought of on the shitter and decided to include in anyway, harsh slapstick (like Schneider getting shot in the foot with an arrow), or jokes about how Schneider has two hot daughters and one ugly one (complete with that fucking Pina Colada song playing every time). As you can guess, all of these jokes go stale very quickly.

To summarize, skip this movie unless you have no taste.