Reviews: Paternal

It\'s alright I guess

100k+ words, novel-length, Paternal is alright. The plot is interesting, the grammar is excellent, and the humor is the cherry on top.

However, there are a few things that affected my enjoyability of the fic, though not bad enough to ruin it. Still, consider 'em.

First, I keep feeling like the character development sometimes progresses a bit too quickly, as in, a merc will have a COMPLETE personality turn-around in one chapter. I guess you could say the characters adapt to changes way too quickly (maybe they're really gullible?). Also, on personalities, the mercs in this fic will not speak or act exactly as you'd expect them to, especially compared to other fics. The dialects (e.g. Medic saying "zhat" instead of "that") are only present for some classes and non-existent for others. The things that make each merc special are only sometimes present, e.g. Soldier's patriotic ranting.

Second, wew, I could rant on this for a while: blatant stupidity. The characters in this story are dumber than a sack of sun-baked stones. There's also a lot of teen angst coupled with adult... angst (is that a thing?), so be warned. I would provide examples except they'd be spoilers. There are also a few horror movie clichés as a result of their sheer idiocy.

Third, well, here's a spoiler-free quote from the fic:

"'You looked like one when you wrinkled your nose like that!' Scout snickered."

Question: Who spoke here?

Did you guess the Scout? I sure did.

It's actually the Spy who spoke. The author likes putting quotes and reactions to quotes on the same line, in this case, Scout snickered after hearing Spy talk, but especially because the Spy's dialogue doesn't have dialect, it can be hard to tell who's talking. Even worse, sometimes the author does use the normal way of dialogue and speaker syntax, to make it even more confusing.

Overall, well, I'd say this. The author has a good plot thought out and has a strong grasp of grammar. Paternal has a lot of work put into it. The author, is good at writing. What the author needs to improve, is writing stories.
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