Reviews: Ayanami: Vengeance

Contingency Lasers. This story needs to have them used on it.

This is a bad story, and you should feel bad about it.

Now that the meme is out of the way...

The story starts with a Mary Sue. Don't worry, she's not with us long. Just a chapter. What the hell it has to do with anything else aside from featuring Kihl/Keel Lorenz isn't entirely clear though. (Also immediate Dan Browned on the NSA. Classy.)

The errors here lie not in the plotting, which is at least passable, or the characterization, which given the premise actually vaguely works, but in the raw execution. It is literally impossible to finish a sentence in this work without spotting a punctuation error. The author badly overuses dialogue, with which they are incompetent at best, to the detriment of description, when their descriptive skills aren't that bad. This makes it hard not want to reach through the screen and slap them around for deliberately playing to their weaknesses. Indeed, it is at times difficult to sustain the belief that the same person is writing the dialogue as the one who does the description, as words will go MIA or be placed in strange though technically correct orders.

The story does eventually improve, over seven chapters in, but it never really rises above passable, as the author keeps drifting further and further way from being descriptive, often using single sentences where you could easily drop a paragraph.

The story is literally difficult to read, and offers nothing rewarding to make up for that. Skip it.