Okay, so I have a character. He's a Commander and is obsessed with order. With teenagers roaming around his ship, he often gets angry with them.
However, he also has a friend, his second-in-command, who is less uptight and tries to encourage him to lighten up. He also has a young crew member with whom he first has tension with, then a romance.
Most of the writing comes off as awkward. But it needs to set him up as... "Dude, what's your issue? Quit being a jerk and lighten up a little." and then change to a Woobie after some tragic events. It comes off as a one-dimensional strawman who has nostalgia moments with an old friend.
"Commander," a new female recruit said as I entered the command station,” We’re picking up strange readings from about ten kilometers away."
"Like a ship?"
"No, sir. More like a large mass of energy." she got a call on her earphones. "Sir, the readings have gone off."
"Well, okay, then. Stay alert."
It was probably nothing. Just some nuclear effect caused by the waste people shoot off into space.
“Don’t see what the big deal is,” I heard her murmur to herself, “It’s probably nuclear effects.
I was surprised. That was exactly what I had been thinking. I had to ask. “What is your name, Ma’am?”
“Alexandra Smith. I’m a new engineer and teacher here. I arrived about a week ago, and…”
I held up my hand. “I only asked for your name, Smith.” I did not care how similar she was to me. I always try to be a bit tough on the new crew members.
“Well, no reason to be so uptight. I guess you don’t like making small talk.”
Now this was odd. Most new recruits get quiet when I say something like that. Smith, on the other hand was….. like I used to be. Working in Huston and wising off to my superiors, and yet somehow, I got this rank. I thought to myself…. Maybe Smith would one day be like me.
“Just go back to your post.” I said, walking away bitterly. For her sake, I hoped that my theory was not true.
And he uses phrases like "order", "chaos", and "wising-off" a lot. How do I make him more relatable?
edited 27th Oct '10 8:36:00 PM by LightningKnight
"Jesus is always the answer."
- People who drift off in Sunday School.