So, let’s kick this pig and dive back into the horror show that is Sonichu.
Issue Seven, Episode Fifteen: Sonichu, Magi-Chan, and Christian In: 'Time For A Ball', also known as:
Chris and Some Recolors In: Obligatory Time Travel Episode
We’re treated to a mostly white disclaimer page first, stating that all this nonsense is copyrighted by CWC, as if anyone would dare to steal this literal horror story and claim it as their own.
Using asterisks, Chris also notes, in text only slightly smaller than everything else on the page, that some of the characters in the issue were either thought up by or drawn by Megan Schroeder. Garish little hearts have been pasted by her name, making this whole page a testament to how delusional Chris is as far as both copyrights and women go. But, we knew that already.
On a final note, that floating Sonichu head in the middle is fucking creepy. Moving on.
On the next page, we find Chris abusing more asterisks as random floating bubbles helpfully inform us that the date is November 2, 2007 and the setting is Manchester High School in what I assume is the gym. A clock on the wall— which is up higher than the basketball net, what —has either been attacked by a cat or is rapidly winding backwards for some mysterious reason.
Somehow, only one of our episode’s titular 'heroes' is present. Chris, goofy-looking as always, has on his favorite seizure-inducing clown shirt and for some reason, his hands are on his pockets, but not in them. This might be because he is thinking about hugging 'Meg-chan', who- in her glossy-eyed female denseness -is ignoring Chris completely to talk to Bionic about his date with Megagi. Bionic appreciates Meg hooking him up with Megagi, since their date, in Bionic’s words 'was dood'. I assume he meant it was good, because otherwise it was either crap or Bionic is an Electric-Hedgehog-Prinny. He certainly deserves to be worked like a Prinny either way.
SPEAKING OF MEGAGI, THERE SHE IS. Wandering in out of the blue and who let these monstrous animal-things into a high school anyway seriously what the hell. For no explained reason, Megagi’s text bubble isn’t a bubble, but the window of the door she’s pushing open. Again, what? She asks if 'B-Hog' Bionic is ready for paintball and something she refers to as a 'luv potion', as she’s 'rarin' for a big mess'.
I don’t know, and I don’t want to know
If Bionic is lucky, he’ll get to kiss her at the end of their date, which I misread as 'kiss meat at the end' due to the cramped text, but knowing Chris, either option is just as likely. There’s also a little winking emote face tucked under the text bubble, which I guess is there since Chris couldn’t just draw Megagi winking.
The chance at a kiss- whether it be a kiss from Megagi or from her meat -sends Bionic into a fangirlish fit, complete with copious amounts hearts and awkward blush lines. Megagi's head starts to melt as she tells him, and Bionic sidles up to Chris to make a not-so-subtle hint that their third date is after their second- no duh -and if he gets a kiss after the second one... Well, Bionic’s nonsensical whoops and constant blush spell it all. He's hoping to tap that skunk and will totally rub it in Chris' face when he does. Bionic is an awesome friend.
Holding hands with Megagi, the two walk out of the white void and into a huge heart on the horizon that I guess has replaced the sun. Attempting to be nice, Bionic comments on Megagi's scent as they leave, which is apparently the smell of her with strawberries. I saw no strawberries on her anywhere, so how this makes sense, I still have no clue.
Watching them walk off, Chris begins to cry and emit what looks like noxious fumes. Nothing new for him. He's upset, blaming Bionic for reminding him of what a frustrated virgin he is, and he then wonders why Bionic doesn’t just get Slaweel to come over and smash his heart with a sledgehammer. Or with that talking purple showerhead; whatever works. Either way, I think it’s a great idea, having Bionic and Slaweel team up to beat Chris to death with Count Graduon. That would be an awesome ending to this thing. Alas, it is not meant to be, as Meg grabs suddenly grabs Chris’ hand, bringing us back to this sad sham of a plot. Chris’ disembodied head and neck, now floating in the white void, looks surprised.
On a side note, he has somehow grown seven fingers on his right hand in the transition from page 2 to 3.
Meg makes a face that I guess is supposed to be her looking concerned but looks more like her own disembodied head is just stoned. She notices that Chris is about to cry and wonders what’s wrong. Chris either blushes or was attacked by the same cat that attacked the high school’s clock and thinks to himself about his ‘sweet friend’. Chris then does something that I think is him swooning or maybe trying to put his suddenly-too-small head on Meg’s shoulder, but she gives him a look I’m sure he’s very familiar with, as it’s one of discomfort and disgust, before pulling away and changing the subject to Sonichu and Magi-Chan.
Chris’ head detaches itself from his body for a third time and floats around with some random stars as he thinks to himself about how cute it is that Meg changed the subject. Because she pulled away from him as soon as he tried to get closer and changed the subject so suddenly, that has to mean she ‘had a little too much excitement’ and she truly cares about him. Or maybe she thinks you’re a repulsive manchild and the little bit of contact she does tolerate around you is beyond too much. But, believe what you want.
Magi-Chan and Sonichu have been standing there in the gym all along, I guess, since they’re talking in one corner all of a sudden. Why did they never mention them before? Because this comic is called ‘Christian Weston Chandler’, not Sonich— oh wait.
Sonichu is holding some glowing gold turd while Magi-Chan stands by, looking constipated while the top of his head glows. Oh, that gold thing is a Sonichu crystal or whatever the hell they are. Magi-Chan can sense... something, but Sonichu can sense it better. He detects the energy of one of the crystals, but he also feels somebody’s déjà vu moment.
He felt somebody’s déjà vu moment? Honestly? I’d go into how that’s not even possible but whatever. It’s page 4 and I’ve been here long enough.
Magi-Chan theorizes that the next crystal must be in their EXACT LOCATION, but in the past. All he needs to do now is figure out who or what was standing in the room at the time the crystal reached the past and he can tell the exact time they need to go to in order to get it. I’m going to skip past how this is a high school gym and there was probably a dozen or so people in here, but according to the story, it was just one person. Because I guess that’s what high school students do: Hang out all alone in the school gym. I’m pretty sure what sort of social pariah would be doing such a thing, but Sonichu helpfully narrows down the field by saying it couldn’t have been him because he might not have existed in whatever time they don’t know about. How can they figure out who was there when it landed if they don’t even know where in time it is, anyway? This plan makes no sense.
Like a disfigured Godzilla, Chris butts into the plot again. He’s suddenly huge and disproportionate, with a dopey expression on his peanut-shaped head and far more fingers than the average person should ever have. He asks what ‘da update’ is, and Megan makes a comment to herself about what a sudden mood change Chris has had, referring to his new attitude as ‘a Goku-get-’em attitude’. There’s a smiley face written next to it, and my urge to commit genocide goes up by a few more points. I also notice that Megan not only tucks her coat into her shorts, but her legs appear to have been whittled from a piece of driftwood.
Sonichu fills Chris in on all the exposition he missed during his one page of pretending a living girl can actually stand him when Magi-Chan’s floating face interrupts. Sonichu turns around, giving us a great view of his on-again/off-again ass, and Magi-Chan attempts to reach through the screen in what I can only guess is a desperate attempt to escape the comic and get help. Pointing one of his three twisted fingers at Chris, he exclaims that his vision is clearing up, which doesn’t match with the weird fur growing in his eyes. When was Magi-Chan having a vision, anyway? And wasn’t Sonichu was better at figuring this psychic shit out two pages ago?
Suddenly, Chris and Magi-Chan look into the same vision of Mighty the ‘Armordillo’ being pushed away from some random lockers when ‘the orange basketball player’ first appeared. I guess that’s Bionic? Doesn’t matter, because Magi-Chan solved the mystery, gang! Triumphantly pointing his finger in the air, he tells us that at ‘approsimately’ November 13, 1996, the crystal hit Chris in the head while he was watching basketball practice, opening the door to a locker in his imagination and explaining why he’s such an idiot: Brain damage due to deus ex machina time-turd. Wait, those lockers were Chris’ imagination? The fact that it’s all colored acid-puke green is oddly appropriate.
Meg then feels the need to butt in, as does what I think is also her head hovering in the far right of the panel. Just think about that for a second, folks. He drew her once, then thought he had to emphasize how Megan she is by drawing her head in the panel a second time. Unfortunately, Megan Two-Heads is the only decent part of the entire last half of the episode.
She tells Chris (or Magi-Chan, or maybe the basketball hoop; I don’t even know anymore) that Magi-Chan’s theory is shit and just a ‘random-access guess’ at best. Chris comes down with what I pray is a terminal case of Brock Syndrome as his eyes squint and he puts that woman in her place by explaining pretty much everything Magi-Chan just said five fucking minutes ago. Only this time, it’s peppered with nonsense information that doesn’t even need to be there, like how R.L. Stein is his favorite author or how he was imagining Mighty striking a pose from one of R.L. Stein’s books when he was hit in the head. Somehow, Chris thought the Sonichu crystal was a basketball, despite none of the crystals being anywhere near basketball size.
Chris then makes a reference to a nonsensical event in a blatant ripoff of a Family Guy joke, then adds in a note to Seth Mac Farlane
(misspelled, of course) that the following is a sketch idea for a Family Guy episode, and that the Mighty Chris gives Mac Farlane
his royal permission to use it, as if any self-respecting person would stoop to using one of Chris’ ideas seriously.
I warn you all now: This is where it starts descending into utter madness.
This sketch is TV-14, as indicated by the random block in the upper left. Someone should remind Chris that he’s working on a badly-drawn web comic with more trolls than serious readers and not a television show. Facing the screen is some sort of... blue thing. I guess it’s a couch, but who the fuck knows anymore? It could be a Lego block or a solid mass of ice or a giant pair of pants. We just don’t know. A bunch of things are sitting on it, though, and what those are supposed to be is still anyone’s guess. A man in a hat, a volleyball, a Yule log and a balloon full of pudding is what it looks like, but does it matter? After this panel, we won’t see half of these things ever again.
This weird TV thing passes in front of the giant pants, since it has to go to the bathroom. Why does a TV-robot-thing need to go to the bathroom? To set up the gag of the sketch, of course, as Chris also has to use the bathroom! What a coincidence! How wacky is that, guys?!
Chris, in keeping with his tradition of ripping everybody else off and mauling the jokes until they’re his own unfunny abominations, has drawn himself as Family Guy’s Peter. This is the most accurate depiction of Chris you’ll ever see in the comic, by the way.
The TV thing is apparently some sort of ghost, as he goes into a restroom labeled ‘Ghosts (Neutral)’. He has to cut Chris off to get in there, showing that Chris can’t tell the difference between the living and the dead. Don’t think too hard about that one.
Without actually going anywhere, Peter-Chris finds a random room in the middle of the hall, and being the paragon of intelligence and good decision making that he is, goes inside, believing it to be a bathroom. He sees buttons inside and starts smashing them, instead of doing the logical thing and leaving since that obviously isn’t a bathroom. It transports him through something to somewhere full of weird faces and moon shapes. A huge pair of hands picks Chris up and carries him around, then I guess one of them flexes for a ghost and a weird orange spider makes a web on some red thing. As if what’s going on isn’t confusing enough, the next panel has been omitted since it’s ‘too gross an silly’. How would we know if we never see the panel?
One of those flying squid monsters from Super Mario Bros. goes by and a green box shoots something white off-screen. Chris has somehow been put into an orange jumpsuit and thrown onto a glacier. The hands jam a stupid-looking hat on his head and then throw him into a car. A car with a fucking face. I take back what I said about Megan Two-Heads. This car is the only highlight of the whole damn series.
Unfortunately, Chris does what he does to every good thing to ever dare rear it’s head in his comic: He shits on it. Awesomeface Mc Car
cries and loses his mind while Chris just makes a dumb face and states what we already knew in that he is not in the bathroom. The skit mercifully ends there, so we can get back to the plot, which is much less retarded in comparison to whatever that was.
Magi-Chan’s torso explains that he can ‘ensphere’ them, whatever that means, and carry them counterclockwise around the world to go back in time, despite that making no sense at all. He also warns them not to change anything in the past, since it could mess up the future. Like it could get any worse, right?
Chris agrees to be careful, but they have to get the crystal for the sake of his— oh gods that Peter-Chris is back. He has such a hard time finding clothes that fit and he likes Chris’ dumbass clown shirt so much he wants to keep the outfit. Chris is cool with it, and for some reason, he calls the guy ‘Sammy’ before going on and on about how Sammy‘s Sonichu faildallion is just like his, but bigger and without the special writing and symbols Chris put on his own. He also suggests that they might need Sammy for another skit in the future, and I die a little inside. Finally, he goes away and the plot can continue.
Magi-Chan’s upper body starts making hand gestures in front of a giant prune while someone stabs a pipe cleaner through his disembodied eyes. He then puts a giant blue smog over Sonichu and Chris, who is putting on a random pair of goggles he pulled from his ass. I seem to be missing page 16 somehow, but who cares. It’s all the same shit. The smog vanishes in a transparent windsock, leaving only a puddle of some questionable brown substance on the floor. A random monkey-faced blond sitting on some steps looks up from her laptop and screams, "OH, MY GOD! CHRIS!". The typical fake advertisement follows and attempts to sell us 'Christian Weston Chandler’s Adult Chronicles', something no rational person would ever consider buying, and the episode ends on a cliffhanger of sorts.
Who is this freakish lady? Where was she before all this? Will Chris and his recolor squad ever find their missing balls and free Chris' feminine side? Who’s going to clean up that brown gunk on the floor?!
All these questions and more most likely won’t get answered, but stay tuned anyway as I read myself into a coma next time on Sonichu Squick Theatre.
edited 23rd Aug '10 12:04:38 PM by Swingyshark
I auto-counter with my passive feat of Insincere Apology.