edited 19th Aug '10 11:10:35 AM by Daionusthe23rd
edited 20th Aug '10 11:21:47 AM by Cysma
Chris and Some Recolors In: Obligatory Time Travel EpisodeWe’re treated to a mostly white disclaimer page first, stating that all this nonsense is copyrighted by CWC, as if anyone would dare to steal this literal horror story and claim it as their own. Using asterisks, Chris also notes, in text only slightly smaller than everything else on the page, that some of the characters in the issue were either thought up by or drawn by Megan Schroeder. Garish little hearts have been pasted by her name, making this whole page a testament to how delusional Chris is as far as both copyrights and women go. But, we knew that already. On a final note, that floating Sonichu head in the middle is fucking creepy. Moving on. On the next page, we find Chris abusing more asterisks as random floating bubbles helpfully inform us that the date is November 2, 2007 and the setting is Manchester High School in what I assume is the gym. A clock on the wall— which is up higher than the basketball net, what —has either been attacked by a cat or is rapidly winding backwards for some mysterious reason. Somehow, only one of our episode’s titular 'heroes' is present. Chris, goofy-looking as always, has on his favorite seizure-inducing clown shirt and for some reason, his hands are on his pockets, but not in them. This might be because he is thinking about hugging 'Meg-chan', who- in her glossy-eyed female denseness -is ignoring Chris completely to talk to Bionic about his date with Megagi. Bionic appreciates Meg hooking him up with Megagi, since their date, in Bionic’s words 'was dood'. I assume he meant it was good, because otherwise it was either crap or Bionic is an Electric-Hedgehog-Prinny. He certainly deserves to be worked like a Prinny either way. SPEAKING OF MEGAGI, THERE SHE IS. Wandering in out of the blue and who let these monstrous animal-things into a high school anyway seriously what the hell. For no explained reason, Megagi’s text bubble isn’t a bubble, but the window of the door she’s pushing open. Again, what? She asks if 'B-Hog' Bionic is ready for paintball and something she refers to as a 'luv potion', as she’s 'rarin' for a big mess'. I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. If Bionic is lucky, he’ll get to kiss her at the end of their date, which I misread as 'kiss meat at the end' due to the cramped text, but knowing Chris, either option is just as likely. There’s also a little winking emote face tucked under the text bubble, which I guess is there since Chris couldn’t just draw Megagi winking. The chance at a kiss- whether it be a kiss from Megagi or from her meat -sends Bionic into a fangirlish fit, complete with copious amounts hearts and awkward blush lines. Megagi's head starts to melt as she tells him, and Bionic sidles up to Chris to make a not-so-subtle hint that their third date is after their second- no duh -and if he gets a kiss after the second one... Well, Bionic’s nonsensical whoops and constant blush spell it all. He's hoping to tap that skunk and will totally rub it in Chris' face when he does. Bionic is an awesome friend. Holding hands with Megagi, the two walk out of the white void and into a huge heart on the horizon that I guess has replaced the sun. Attempting to be nice, Bionic comments on Megagi's scent as they leave, which is apparently the smell of her with strawberries. I saw no strawberries on her anywhere, so how this makes sense, I still have no clue. Watching them walk off, Chris begins to cry and emit what looks like noxious fumes. Nothing new for him. He's upset, blaming Bionic for reminding him of what a frustrated virgin he is, and he then wonders why Bionic doesn’t just get Slaweel to come over and smash his heart with a sledgehammer. Or with that talking purple showerhead; whatever works. Either way, I think it’s a great idea, having Bionic and Slaweel team up to beat Chris to death with Count Graduon. That would be an awesome ending to this thing. Alas, it is not meant to be, as Meg grabs suddenly grabs Chris’ hand, bringing us back to this sad sham of a plot. Chris’ disembodied head and neck, now floating in the white void, looks surprised. On a side note, he has somehow grown seven fingers on his right hand in the transition from page 2 to 3. Meg makes a face that I guess is supposed to be her looking concerned but looks more like her own disembodied head is just stoned. She notices that Chris is about to cry and wonders what’s wrong. Chris either blushes or was attacked by the same cat that attacked the high school’s clock and thinks to himself about his ‘sweet friend’. Chris then does something that I think is him swooning or maybe trying to put his suddenly-too-small head on Meg’s shoulder, but she gives him a look I’m sure he’s very familiar with, as it’s one of discomfort and disgust, before pulling away and changing the subject to Sonichu and Magi-Chan. Chris’ head detaches itself from his body for a third time and floats around with some random stars as he thinks to himself about how cute it is that Meg changed the subject. Because she pulled away from him as soon as he tried to get closer and changed the subject so suddenly, that has to mean she ‘had a little too much excitement’ and she truly cares about him. Or maybe she thinks you’re a repulsive manchild and the little bit of contact she does tolerate around you is beyond too much. But, believe what you want. Magi-Chan and Sonichu have been standing there in the gym all along, I guess, since they’re talking in one corner all of a sudden. Why did they never mention them before? Because this comic is called ‘Christian Weston Chandler’, not Sonich— oh wait. Sonichu is holding some glowing gold turd while Magi-Chan stands by, looking constipated while the top of his head glows. Oh, that gold thing is a Sonichu crystal or whatever the hell they are. Magi-Chan can sense... something, but Sonichu can sense it better. He detects the energy of one of the crystals, but he also feels somebody’s déjà vu moment. He felt somebody’s déjà vu moment? Honestly? I’d go into how that’s not even possible but whatever. It’s page 4 and I’ve been here long enough. Magi-Chan theorizes that the next crystal must be in their EXACT LOCATION, but in the past. All he needs to do now is figure out who or what was standing in the room at the time the crystal reached the past and he can tell the exact time they need to go to in order to get it. I’m going to skip past how this is a high school gym and there was probably a dozen or so people in here, but according to the story, it was just one person. Because I guess that’s what high school students do: Hang out all alone in the school gym. I’m pretty sure what sort of social pariah would be doing such a thing, but Sonichu helpfully narrows down the field by saying it couldn’t have been him because he might not have existed in whatever time they don’t know about. How can they figure out who was there when it landed if they don’t even know where in time it is, anyway? This plan makes no sense. Like a disfigured Godzilla, Chris butts into the plot again. He’s suddenly huge and disproportionate, with a dopey expression on his peanut-shaped head and far more fingers than the average person should ever have. He asks what ‘da update’ is, and Megan makes a comment to herself about what a sudden mood change Chris has had, referring to his new attitude as ‘a Goku-get-’em attitude’. There’s a smiley face written next to it, and my urge to commit genocide goes up by a few more points. I also notice that Megan not only tucks her coat into her shorts, but her legs appear to have been whittled from a piece of driftwood. Sonichu fills Chris in on all the exposition he missed during his one page of pretending a living girl can actually stand him when Magi-Chan’s floating face interrupts. Sonichu turns around, giving us a great view of his on-again/off-again ass, and Magi-Chan attempts to reach through the screen in what I can only guess is a desperate attempt to escape the comic and get help. Pointing one of his three twisted fingers at Chris, he exclaims that his vision is clearing up, which doesn’t match with the weird fur growing in his eyes. When was Magi-Chan having a vision, anyway? And wasn’t Sonichu was better at figuring this psychic shit out two pages ago? Suddenly, Chris and Magi-Chan look into the same vision of Mighty the ‘Armordillo’ being pushed away from some random lockers when ‘the orange basketball player’ first appeared. I guess that’s Bionic? Doesn’t matter, because Magi-Chan solved the mystery, gang! Triumphantly pointing his finger in the air, he tells us that at ‘approsimately’ November 13, 1996, the crystal hit Chris in the head while he was watching basketball practice, opening the door to a locker in his imagination and explaining why he’s such an idiot: Brain damage due to deus ex machina time-turd. Wait, those lockers were Chris’ imagination? The fact that it’s all colored acid-puke green is oddly appropriate. Meg then feels the need to butt in, as does what I think is also her head hovering in the far right of the panel. Just think about that for a second, folks. He drew her once, then thought he had to emphasize how Megan she is by drawing her head in the panel a second time. Unfortunately, Megan Two-Heads is the only decent part of the entire last half of the episode. She tells Chris (or Magi-Chan, or maybe the basketball hoop; I don’t even know anymore) that Magi-Chan’s theory is shit and just a ‘random-access guess’ at best. Chris comes down with what I pray is a terminal case of Brock Syndrome as his eyes squint and he puts that woman in her place by explaining pretty much everything Magi-Chan just said five fucking minutes ago. Only this time, it’s peppered with nonsense information that doesn’t even need to be there, like how R.L. Stein is his favorite author or how he was imagining Mighty striking a pose from one of R.L. Stein’s books when he was hit in the head. Somehow, Chris thought the Sonichu crystal was a basketball, despite none of the crystals being anywhere near basketball size. Chris then makes a reference to a nonsensical event in a blatant ripoff of a Family Guy joke, then adds in a note to Seth Mac Farlane (misspelled, of course) that the following is a sketch idea for a Family Guy episode, and that the Mighty Chris gives Mac Farlane his royal permission to use it, as if any self-respecting person would stoop to using one of Chris’ ideas seriously. I warn you all now: This is where it starts descending into utter madness. This sketch is TV-14, as indicated by the random block in the upper left. Someone should remind Chris that he’s working on a badly-drawn web comic with more trolls than serious readers and not a television show. Facing the screen is some sort of... blue thing. I guess it’s a couch, but who the fuck knows anymore? It could be a Lego block or a solid mass of ice or a giant pair of pants. We just don’t know. A bunch of things are sitting on it, though, and what those are supposed to be is still anyone’s guess. A man in a hat, a volleyball, a Yule log and a balloon full of pudding is what it looks like, but does it matter? After this panel, we won’t see half of these things ever again. This weird TV thing passes in front of the giant pants, since it has to go to the bathroom. Why does a TV-robot-thing need to go to the bathroom? To set up the gag of the sketch, of course, as Chris also has to use the bathroom! What a coincidence! How wacky is that, guys?! Chris, in keeping with his tradition of ripping everybody else off and mauling the jokes until they’re his own unfunny abominations, has drawn himself as Family Guy’s Peter. This is the most accurate depiction of Chris you’ll ever see in the comic, by the way. The TV thing is apparently some sort of ghost, as he goes into a restroom labeled ‘Ghosts (Neutral)’. He has to cut Chris off to get in there, showing that Chris can’t tell the difference between the living and the dead. Don’t think too hard about that one. Without actually going anywhere, Peter-Chris finds a random room in the middle of the hall, and being the paragon of intelligence and good decision making that he is, goes inside, believing it to be a bathroom. He sees buttons inside and starts smashing them, instead of doing the logical thing and leaving since that obviously isn’t a bathroom. It transports him through something to somewhere full of weird faces and moon shapes. A huge pair of hands picks Chris up and carries him around, then I guess one of them flexes for a ghost and a weird orange spider makes a web on some red thing. As if what’s going on isn’t confusing enough, the next panel has been omitted since it’s ‘too gross an silly’. How would we know if we never see the panel? One of those flying squid monsters from Super Mario Bros. goes by and a green box shoots something white off-screen. Chris has somehow been put into an orange jumpsuit and thrown onto a glacier. The hands jam a stupid-looking hat on his head and then throw him into a car. A car with a fucking face. I take back what I said about Megan Two-Heads. This car is the only highlight of the whole damn series. Unfortunately, Chris does what he does to every good thing to ever dare rear it’s head in his comic: He shits on it. Awesomeface Mc Car cries and loses his mind while Chris just makes a dumb face and states what we already knew in that he is not in the bathroom. The skit mercifully ends there, so we can get back to the plot, which is much less retarded in comparison to whatever that was. Magi-Chan’s torso explains that he can ‘ensphere’ them, whatever that means, and carry them counterclockwise around the world to go back in time, despite that making no sense at all. He also warns them not to change anything in the past, since it could mess up the future. Like it could get any worse, right? Chris agrees to be careful, but they have to get the crystal for the sake of his— oh gods that Peter-Chris is back. He has such a hard time finding clothes that fit and he likes Chris’ dumbass clown shirt so much he wants to keep the outfit. Chris is cool with it, and for some reason, he calls the guy ‘Sammy’ before going on and on about how Sammy‘s Sonichu faildallion is just like his, but bigger and without the special writing and symbols Chris put on his own. He also suggests that they might need Sammy for another skit in the future, and I die a little inside. Finally, he goes away and the plot can continue. Magi-Chan’s upper body starts making hand gestures in front of a giant prune while someone stabs a pipe cleaner through his disembodied eyes. He then puts a giant blue smog over Sonichu and Chris, who is putting on a random pair of goggles he pulled from his ass. I seem to be missing page 16 somehow, but who cares. It’s all the same shit. The smog vanishes in a transparent windsock, leaving only a puddle of some questionable brown substance on the floor. A random monkey-faced blond sitting on some steps looks up from her laptop and screams, "OH, MY GOD! CHRIS!". The typical fake advertisement follows and attempts to sell us 'Christian Weston Chandler’s Adult Chronicles', something no rational person would ever consider buying, and the episode ends on a cliffhanger of sorts. Who is this freakish lady? Where was she before all this? Will Chris and his recolor squad ever find their missing balls and free Chris' feminine side? Who’s going to clean up that brown gunk on the floor?! All these questions and more most likely won’t get answered, but stay tuned anyway as I read myself into a coma next time on Sonichu Squick Theatre.
edited 23rd Aug '10 12:04:38 PM by Swingyshark
C.W.C. & Nobody In Particular IN: Bad Puns and Ball JokesI guess Chris told Magi-Chan to step off for this episode, even if he is the one making this whole time trip possible. Way to show your appreciation there, Chris. And where did Megan go? Guess Chris isn’t above ditching his gal-pal to go on a romp with a yellow rat and his semi-psychic sidekick. The title page for this is terrible as usual. Little bubbles with random dates on them are being sucked into a wormhole. Magi-Chan is flying in the blue smog bubble, Sonichu is sitting on a giant Fruit Roll-Up, and Chris is just sort of hovering there with his dopey goggles. There’s a robot just flying by in the time stream as well, but I guess that’s just not important enough for anybody to take notice of. Sonichu starts talking to Chris, filling us in on their plan as he does. They’re going to go 5 minutes before the younger Chris gets hit by Sonichu’s wandering ball, wait for it to bash his face in, then Sonichu will run out and grab it so they can go back. He bitches that the plan isn’t creative, and I enjoy a moment of delicious irony. Chris, pretending to have enough brain cells to even attempt being philosophical, launches into a Wall-O-Text on time travel. Going back into the past to change things is impossible, according to Professor Chris, since the act of going to the past was supposed to happen anyway, making fate unchangeable and attempting to change it pointless. Following up what could have otherwise been a brief moment of lucidity, Sonichu gushes about Futurama. I think he means to compare episodes of it to Chris’ thoughts on time travel, but it all turns into him talking about how much he likes the storyline continuity. Is Sonichu becoming self-aware? This is the second time in one page he’s made a pass at storytelling elements this farce of a comic lacks. The moment of semi-intelligence, having successfully been killed by Sonichu’s babbling, deteriorates into Chris picking his nose and commenting on how Meg Griffin ‘strikes him more fondly’. Well, he’s got the strike part right, if nothing else. Sonichu chooses to ignore his Father-Master to ask why Magi-Chan is staying out of their conversation. Could it be because it’s completely asinine? No, he’s just focused on not getting them killed or lost in time. The bottom of the page is spontaneously attacked by a wandering code of binary (what) and nobody takes any notice at all. Magi-Chan mentally thanks Chris for understanding that he’s too busy keeping their dumb asses alive to comment on fictional girls. They arrive in the past as planned, and Magi-Chan screws with Chris and Sonichu by stopping so fast that they rebound around inside the bubble. Chris hits his head against the floor as a result and my respect for Magi-Chan goes up. Chris whines about Magi-Chan warning them next time, but his crushing silence is answer enough. A bunch of pointless data about present!Chris and past!Chris floats around, and past!Chris spews some bullshit about being the manager of the varsity basketball team and how it’s such a drag to be a freshman with responsibility. He turns the corner and comes face to face with a hideous monster! No, wait. It’s some asshole named Joe. He looks like he’s asexually reproducing via budding all over his face, but I guess that’s Chris’ half-assed attempt at a kid with acne. Or hives. It’s not clear which. Anyway, Facespawn Joe and past!Chris lean against their dialogue bubbles and talk about nothing important. Nonsense involving Chris wanting a cheerleader girlfriend and the Facespawn’s failed date with Lyndsay Lou Whogivesadamn. Dialogue bubbles are all over the place, and Chris apparently can’t tell the difference between The Three Musketeers and Donald Duck’s cousins Huey, Dewey, and Louie. He also can’t count, since he and Facespawn make only two people, not three. I have no idea what’s else is supposed to be going on in his panel. Walls-O-Text abound and none of the jokes make any sense at all, so let’s move on. The Facespawn has to go take care of the basketball team, since he’s the manager and probably a more competent human being than Chris, so he leaves. Instead of helping, Chris is just going to read his book and daydream about Sonic characters. Is that pink chick supposed to be Amy? Or another of Chris’ HONEST AND TRUE ‘creations’? No matter what, the girl leaves, never to be seen again. Chris also notes that he liked to imagine himself in the lead role of the book he was reading (alongside Sonic characters, I assume), but he had to train himself to remember what he looked like before he could do it. There are no words. At that moment, one of Sonichu’s balls pops up and cracks past!Chris in the head, somehow giving him the inspiration or whatever to have Bionic burst out of a locker in his imagination. Why the hell is his imagination shown as a hallway of lockers, anyway? past!Chris doesn’t recognize his own thought at first, distracting him from noticing Sonichu jump out and grab his ball. For some reason, Chris arranged the next three panels in the wrong order, so instead of showing Sonichu giving present!Chris his magic ball and then running their bubble back into the time stream, he moves to Chris, starts running, and then gives him his balls. The sphere shoots out the door and back into the time stream, but Chris thought it was important to keep showing us past!Chris thinking about Bionic and Bionic somehow coming to life when past!Chris remembers somebody threw a basketball at him, like, 10 minutes ago. A pointless Beavis and Butt-Head joke starts in young!Chris’ puke-colored imagination, for which he apologizes to Mike Judge via a barely visible note. No apologies will ever make this right. Present!Chris continues making lame puns and references while narrating to himself, but when Sonichu and Magi-Chan stop the magic time bubble, Chris’ balls glow and he’s thrown out and back into the time stream. Magi-Chan and Sonichu don’t notice right away that he’s gone, which speaks volumes in itself. They’re too busy talking about HONEST, TRUE LOVE AND ROMANCE to notice Chris is spiraling in an endless time void. But to be fair to them, I’d be more interested in just about anything else, too. Sonichu makes a crack about how his date with Rosechu isn’t until 8:00, and then again at 10:00. He laughs slyly before hammering the already obvious point home by adding that it’s 8 and 10 at night, not in the morning, which any simpleton would realize without saying. Magi-Chan looks unamused, commenting that he’s ignorant to love because he’s too smart to worry about the wimmenz and their constant need to be saved from villains and credit card debt. Sonichu comments that Magi-Chan will find his woman by next season. He’s probably not aware that, for one, there is no season because they’re still not in a television show, and that Magi-Chan’s future ‘woman’ isn’t quite what Sonichu has in mind. The sudden topic of single virgins reminds Sonichu of Chris and causes his eyes to melt into gelatin. Sonichu wonders ‘where in the bottle of Pepsi’ Chris is, and Magi-Chan uses his mighty brainmeats to try and locate him. He locks in on Chris’ shrieks and discovers that they lost Chris when they stopped moving through time. There’s nothing they can do to save him, but Chris will eventually fall out of the time stream on his own. Sonichu recounts the tale to Rosechu, who starts crying with what can only be assumed is joy at being free from Chris, even temporarily. Unfortunately, Chris will survive his stay in the time stream, but he will ‘either feel richer or poorer in emotions’, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. Rosechu is just comforted knowing his ‘secretart’ Allison Amber can handle the city, and probably much better than Chris ever could. She worries a little about how Chris’ family will feel about his disappearance (ecstatic, I assume), and how the defense force will ever handle all the villains without their Marty Stu super weapon, but she promptly forgets about all that after Sonichu hugs her with his massive hot dog arms. She then suggests that they go back home and ‘do their thang’, to which Sonichu replies that they need to go to Mal-Wart and buy a raincoat. What? SCENE CHANGE TO PVCC LOLOLOLOL. Some cardboard-cutout Jerkops are standing guard in a really nice-looking high school. Or, what might be a high school. I don’t know why they would mention the building is in the high school district of PVCC unless it was one, but in Chrisland, apples are pickles and colored blocks are whatever building he wants them to be. Somewhere inside the random building is Scotpalazzo, sitting at a table that seems to have had somebody’s arms built into the top. There’s a mention of virgins and how he banned them from his region, and since I hate Scotpalazzo more than most of Chris’ asinine characters, let’s just keep going. Because we all care, sitting in front of Scotpalazzo is Keneru-Meneth, B-Manajerk, and Merried Seinor Comic. To Slaweel’s right- wait, Slaweel is here? Where? All I saw of her was a giant picture in front of Scotpalazzo’s chair. Whatever. On her imaginary right is Chris’ evil twin with the stupid backwards name, Dagget, Jerkief, Turdijerk and his lackey, Walter Grisby (aka Wes-Li Sonichu), Dr. Robotnik (or Eggman; Chris can‘t make up his mind which), Giovanni, and some bondage whore named Kathleen, who is the assistant to eye-within-a-hood new villain Jason. W-M Manajerk’s floating head in a jar is sitting somewhere on the table as well, probably as the centerpiece. What a clusterfuck. Oh, look. Slaweel and her Boobs of Death. They were sitting in front of the portrait, I guess. The talking showerhead is there, too, and they go on about how it’s time for their ‘devine retribution’ against Chris. The showerhead mentions virgins, since it’s apparently impossible to mention Chris and not add that he’s a frustrated autistic virgin. Speaking of, let’s rejoin Chris in the time void. He starts playing with his magic balls, absorbs them into his body, and then his face is attacked by the cat from episode 15 while he is bombarded by his memories from the future. He learns about Meg dumping him for the porn he draws of her, but it doesn’t bother him much, since in another memory bubble, he’s thinking about how cute some chick, Vanessa Hudgens, is. Only Vanessa will later dump him for Joshua Martinez, who tricks Chris somehow, and there’s something about Slaweel and 4-cent Garbage thrown in there for good measure. The actual story ends there for now, and we’re treated to another fake ad on the next page for Chris’ imaginary radio station KCWC. Suddenly, Jamsta Sonichu is spouting Walls-O-Text about the weather (How is 68 degrees considered ‘frisky’? How does one ‘reign playing outside with the power’? ) and about how much fanmail Chris has from Nintendo and Sega because they want to talk to him soooooo badly. Uh-huh. Right. Jamsta Sonichu decides that he couldn’t give a shit about Chris’s imaginary fanbase, either, and changes the subject to talk about Jiggliami, who looks like a wad of pre-chewed gum in a dress. A helpful text box at the bottom of the page lets us know that Blanca created Jiggliami, and Chris approved of her being in his comic. Shouldn’t he need her permission to use Jiggliami, not the other way around? And I love that she and Blanca are striking identical poses with a hand on their hip and one flared out, the very picture of feminine girliness. Blanca actually looks a bit like a boiled hot dog with a blond wig, but that’s not the point. Mostly because there is no point to this section of the story at all. Jiggliami gushes about how she has a Spring Break concert coming up, how her single is about to be released, and how she’s dumb enough to think that Blanca playing Guitar Hero while she sings is perfectly acceptable musical backup. Blanca has magically grown stubble in this panel, too… But that’s not stopping Jamsta Sonichu from hitting on them both anyway. AND IN HUGE ALL-CAPS TEXT, TOO. BECAUSE YELLING HALF-ASSED COMPLIMENTS IS HOT, RIGHT? Jiggliami credits her good looks to the makeover advice Blanca gave her. We know this because of the awkward leaning motion Jiggliami makes towards Blanca while winking. Unfortunately, Blanca seems to have been attacked by the wandering cat during the panel change, since her face is all scratched up. Someone should catch that fucking cat, really. And since both Jiggliami and Blanca look hideous, I question Jamsta’s taste in women. Or, vaguely women-shaped objects. Jamsta also seems to have some sort of speech problem, as he insists on saying ‘da’ instead of ‘the’ 9 out of 10 times. He then passes the show over to his girlfriend, Lolisa, who has been watching him hit on Gummy and Hot Dog Girl. Needless to say, she’s not impressed and makes some random comparison of Jiggliami’s boobs to snowballs and how they were the last ones in the vending machine. What? I think she meant Sno-Balls, not snowballs. I doubt packed snow can be bought from a vending machine anywhere. Lolisa goes over to some neon-pink douche in a Sonichu shirt who she refers to as a ‘well-proven top Sonichu & Rosechu fan’, meaning he’s either a troll or he‘s not real. He’s 22 with a high school education, and single, which explains what this whole thing is about, and... What the hell is he holding in his hand? Is is a hose or something? Why would he— oh forget it. Why does anybody here do anything? Nobody fucking knows, and we probably never will. Anyway, his name is Robert Simmons the Fifth, aka Sonichufan1985 aka a huge tool. Moving on to the next page— wait, are those reel-to-reel recorders behind Lolisa? Looking back, all the radio station has for equipment is a box with some wires in the back, a few microphones, some whale baleen, and a bunch of reel-to-reel recorders. This... this station isn’t actually on the air, is it? Jamsta is living a lie. Someone should tell him. Page 47 is nothing but a HUGE Wall-O-Text with Lolisa crammed onto one side of the page and Robert’s thousand-yard-stare in the upper right corner. This guy isn’t just a tool, he’s a whole tool shed. He’s not only Chris’ top fan, but he’s proud of being so similar to Chris despite the fact that Lolisa says he actually smells good, which we all know is impossible for Chris. Lolisa goes on and on about how great and caring and cute Chris is, making me wonder if she’s ever actually met Chris before. She gets points for catching on to the fact that Robert is practically mimicking Chris, though why he’d imitate someone like Chris is a mystery for the ages. Robert is also said to be near-identical to Chris in appearance, even though his picture looks nothing like Chris, and they’re both vapid virgins who drown themselves in Axe because they think the wimmenz love it. I guess he has sex with his Furby or something, too, as he uses it to relieve ‘stress’ at home until he gets lucky, which Chris thinks is some kind of therapy. Both he and Chris also bitch about the ‘infinitely high boyfriend factor’ and are afraid of women due to their ‘surprising emotions and mood swings’. Lolisa ignores this blatantly sexist comment and goes on like this Robert assbat is some kind of awesome dude before dismissing him and informing the audience that isn’t listening that after Boston’s “More Than A Feeling”, Jamsta Sonichu will be taking back over. Chris plugs his fake game one more time and this atrocity is finally over. Until Issue 8, anyway. God help us.
edited 23rd Aug '10 3:14:31 PM by Daionusthe23rd
edited 23rd Aug '10 3:23:26 PM by Swingyshark
Issue Eight, Episode Eighteen: The Spring Break Something-or-OtherWe’re treated to the usual shitty fake ad, only this time it’s for the ‘Knothole’, a spin-off of Ren and Stimpy’s comical in-universe toy, Log. Could have been salvaged as a joke somewhat if Chris had bothered relating it to the city of Knothole in the Sonic comic series, but as that’s been passed up, it’s just another unfunny gag that succeeds only in how it manages to visually molest my childhood all over again. The next few pages are bloated illustrations of Chris’ various characters celebrating their birthdays, blah blah whatever. It’s just Chris’ bland attempt at covering his ass for all that hedgehog sexing that he’s thrown into the last few comics. Rosechu is nineteen, I guess, and so is everybody in the Chaotic Combo. Sonichu is twenty, somehow, even though they were all created on the same day. Like I said, who needs continuity, right? The most horrifying bit is Blake’s birthday. He’s twenty now, but when he was ‘born’, he was already eleven. What? There’s some shit about spring break, and another joke that was stolen from Family Guy and beaten to fit in Sonichu. Greta Squall is officially the creepiest newscaster ever, and the hallmark cuts of that wandering cat appear again all over her face. Expect me to mention the cat a bit, since everybody in Sonichu seems to get mauled by it on and off in every issue. Jamsta Sonichu appears again, still unaware that his radio station is all a hoax. Lolisa is ‘proudly wingin’ it again as his girl Friday’, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean, and is apparently covered in soot. Jamsta gushes wave after wave of useless text about CWC Ville, it’s bottling plant, some giveaway they’re having, and Jiggliami’s pop star debut later that evening. If she’s just debuting, how can she already be a pop star? Speaking of that gummy blob, she’s bouncing around backstage in a bikini and fangirling over Blanca’s haircut. She’s supposed to look ‘as cute as Sailor Mercury’, but since Blanca is still the hot dog in shorts she was last issue, I get the feeling Ami isn’t flattered by the comparison at all. Cut to Sonichu and Rosechu on the beach, both also covered in soot. Wait, I guess that’s supposed to be sunscreen or something. Chris couldn’t be bothered to show it as anything more than just scribbling dark lines all over everybody. He probably doesn’t know what it looks like, since he’s never been out in the sun long enough to need sunscreen. Rosechu is just hanging out with her gal-pals while Sonichu surfs, and Bubbles explains to Angelica yet again why she’s immune to sunburns. Turns out, Bubbles is 90% water, but instead of just evaporating, her fur reflects sunlight when she’s on land, making it impossible for her to tan or sunburn. Uh, okay? Sylvana walks by, her angry eyes nearly pulling her lips off her face, and gives everybody a bad vibe just for being there. Hey, you can see Sonichu surfing in the background... only for him and the entire fucking wave he’s on to just vanish when Megagi and Bionic walk up in the next panel. Megagi starts telling them about how she presented her +5 Claws of Ownership when someone tried to hit on Bionic the day before, but before she can tell too much, she and Bionic transform into blond girls in bikinis and everyone forgets they were just there. Sonichu also returns to the background in that panel, a place he must feel comfortable being in since he‘s delegated to the background almost all the time these days. Magi-Chan tells Bubbles he senses one of Sonichu’s balls in the ocean, but she tells Magi-Chan to go away since she’s far too busy sunbathing- an activity she said was utterly pointless for her one fucking page ago -to go and get it. Magi-Chan, flaunting his position as the group’s bitch, lets it go and leaves Bubbles to lie around. Blake comes by and kicks some sand, Bubbles pretends to arrest him, blah blah secret relationship that everyone notices. Chris pasted in a drawing Panda Halo did of Sonichu surfing over his own drawing of it, which you can still half see. Great editing job, really. Bubbles finally decides to get Sonichu’s ball from the seafloor so Magi-Chan will shut up about it, but tells Blake to meet her under pier 969 when she’s done. Sylvana has been eavesdropping the whole time, so she turns into Bubbles before Chris interrupts the flow of the comic to belatedly introduce her and her backstory. Long story short: Sylvana’s egg somehow shot into orbit and landed on the moon. Count Graduon raised her with his lies, and in order to make her a better fighter or something, he took away her ability to have children and gave her an auxiliary penis. Graduon trained her to be a powerful fighter and a soulless flirter with pretty much no history of social interactions. We rejoin Bubbles in the actual plot, and she’s already underwater looking for the missing ball. Magi-Chan, in his infinite wisdom, tells her it’s five miles from shore and is ‘about 2 or 5,000 fathoms’ underwater. I don’t think Chris has any idea how deep a fathom is, much less 5,000 of them. A Crawdaunt sings a line from The Little Mermaid’s ‘Under The Sea’, and the Squirtle in the bottom left of the page sums up my feelings so far: Yawn. Sylvana, disguised as Bubbles, catches Blake as he leaves a colorless store. S/he tells him that s/he abandoned the search for the crystal because s/he ‘suddenly felt more ready’ for Blake. At his/her behest, he throws away the condoms he just bought and they go have sex under the pier, which looks suspiciously like the white void. Sylvana orgasms before Blake does, and thanks to Chris’ note at the bottom of page 60, we know that every time Sylvana has sex with somebody, he/she/it excretes a solution that makes his/her partner fall asleep. Some seagulls fly around Blake’s head before he passes out, then Sylvana steals his cell phone and intercepts a message from Bubbles. Sylvana dumps Blake in a closet behind the stage, then impersonates him to meet Bubbles. Meanwhile, Bubbles gives the crystal to Angelica, saying she’s too busy to give it to Patti since she has to go meet her boyfriend. The boyfriend her friends shouldn’t know about since her relationship is supposed to be secret. Way to blow your already useless cover, Bubbles. Angelica flies off, and we get a handy PSA from Punchy and Wild about the usefulness of dating classes, which Wild has signed up for since approaching a woman takes so much skill and finesse, you have to take a class on how to do it. Jiggliami finds Blake when he falls out of the closet, and rushes to call Bubbles about it. Bubbles has just reached the pier, but Magi-Chan is one step ahead of Jiggliami in telling Bubbles that the Blake she sees is a fake. Yet again, she tells him to fuck off, only believing what he told her when Jiggliami calls and tells her she found Blake in a closet. She decides to play along with it and use Magi-Chan’s suggestion of testing the imposter’s electric abilities by suggesting that Sylvana use a Thunderbolt with the claims that it will turn her ‘onn’, with two ‘n’s to emphasize how turned on she’ll be from being electrocuted. Sylvana can’t use electric moves, as she’s probably the only Rosechu so far to not be Electric-type, so she uses Psychic Needles to try and fool Bubbles, who doesn’t buy it. Bubbles uses Whirlpool, and Sylvana reveals herself at last. When Bubbles wants to know what she’s done to Blake, she says she ‘never kiss and do-tell’. Bubbles tries to call her a bitch, but Sylvana drops the pickle bomb on her before vanishing. Magi-Chan teleports Bubbles to Blake, and everybody promptly forgets about Sylvana by the time Jiggliami’s concert starts. She only sings one song, “War of Love”, which was
edited 24th Aug '10 2:12:47 PM by Swingyshark