Because I don't value my sanity highly enough, let's liveblog Sonichu

I have no idea why I'm doing this. I've already found out way more than I ought to know about the sorry excuse for a person that is Christian Weston Chandler. Now I'm going to dive in and read his "masterpiece" for myself. Since TV tropes has already done a good job of summarizing it, I won't bother. Instead, I'm going to dive right in and experience the horror for myself, starting from the first issue. Please pray for me to come out with my sanity intact. That includes atheists. I'll need all the help I can get.

Chapter 0, issue 1

So the story starts with a badly-drawn Pikachu looking at what seems to be a city. Christian Weston Chandler's disembodied head is at the top helpfully informing us that he is, in fact, Christian Weston Chandler, "author" of this "comic". He also explains that this is "his story and nothing less". I assume he means the titular character, but from what I understand, the main character is really the manchild himself.

Anyway, some kind of monster that I think was meant to be perfect chaos is attacking. Apparently, this takes place during Sonic Adventure 1 or something. We see Sonic the Hedgehog going Super and going inside the phallic beast. At the same time, despite the city seeming to be miles and miles away judging from panel 1, the pikachu gets there in a single page and just... watches, I guess.

It turns out that watching final boss fights and just standing there like a moron isn't such a smart move after all, and Perfect Chaos fires some sort of beam at him. Sonic decides to take the bullet for the little guy, or at least I think that's what's going on. It looks more like Sonic is leaning over to kiss pikachu. Did I mention how bad the artwork is? I could draw better when I was nine.

Anyway, 15 miles away (Christian said so, so it must be true) a girl raichu (again, because Chris said so) is sunbathing or something. Funny how the pikachu could see the chaos from what seemed to be 50 miles away, but the raichu doesn't even notice. A plot hole, or an expression of CWC's misogny? You decide!

Anyway, the raichu notices a rainbow and decides to stand in it, or something. I'm pretty sure that's impossible, but whatever. Anyway, on closer inspection, the rainbow's colors are out of order and DEAR GOD I'M ONLY THREE PAGES IN SOMEONE HELP ME!

The next page is... strange. Apparently, Sonic and the Pikachu have somehow fused, or something like that. Whatever. I'll bite. However, that's not nearly as strange as the fact that the rainbow has somehow done the same thing to the raichu.

Seriously? At least Sonichu's origin makes sense by comic book logic standards. Spiderman got bitten by a radioactive spider, therefore spider powers. A raichu got hit by a rainbow, therefore it... turns into a hedgehog-pokemon hybrid.

So the rodent's trainer comes back and sees that a mutant hedgehog is standing there instead, and asks where her pokemon is. The girl hedgehog helpfully explains that she is her pokemon, and transformed by being hit by a rainbow.

There are several reasonable responses one could take to this. I would have expected her to scream in horror, or perhaps wonder if she's dreaming, or wonder what kind of trip she's on, or at least EXPRESS THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF INCREDULITY GOD I HATE THIS COMIC ALREADY. Okay, so the girl trainer instead exclaims that the hedgehog-pokemon-thing is "as beautiful as a rose", and the anthropomorphic abomination decides, as a "new pokemon" (well, crossed with a hedgehog crossed with your worst nightmares), that will be her name.

Yes, it has nothing to do with the fact that the character is an obvious ripoff of Amy Rose from Sonic the Hedgehog

I'm not even going to get into the fact that Rosechu takes the fact that her entire body has been irreversibly altered into something almost completely different in such stride. I've already written way too much about this one page.

Sonichu's response is at least slightly more appropriate. "I've changed! Huh?" is still pretty bad, but at least he seems to be expressing some kind of normal human skepticism. Noticing that perfect chaos hasn't magically disappeared (which I wouldn't have been surprised if it happened), he says "the battle is on?! I've got to help!", followed by "Time to zap!"

Oddly enough, in the fourth panel, perfect chaos' head looks more like Pacman with weird eyes drawn on it, attached to a blue slug thing. I'm pretty sure his head didn't look like that when I played the game, but it's been a while. But I digress. Sonichu does some running stuff that might actually have looked cool if Chris had the drawing abilities of someone whose age was in the double digits. A stray "meanwhile" appears that I think was supposed to be at the top of the page, and Sonichu either slides down a wall or leaps at Perfect chaos.

Presumably it was both, because Sonichu is now above Perfect Chaos, and uses Thunder  ^*

on it. Perfect Chaos may or may not have dodged it, because Sonichu then exclaims "Almost Got It" and does... something. He kind of flies around Chaos (why did he run around earlier if he could do that) and then there's some kind of thunder whirlpool vortex thing. I really have no clue what that's supposed to be.

Apparently that does the trick though, because then some tennis balls on top of rectangles that look vaguely like people start to should "Sonic! Sonic! Yay!" and I decide that it's a good place to stop reading for now.

Reflections

Did I really write that much about six pages of material? If I keep criticizing every single mistake like this I'll probably never get done. That's how bad this comic is, people. There is no rhyme or reason why anything happens, the artwork reminds me of the stuff I drew when I was a kid (and I was one stupid, talentless kid), and the plot holes aren't so much plot holes as they are plot bottomless pits that suck the reason and sanity from the rest of the pages.

I have a long, hard job ahead of me.

edited 29th Jan '10 6:02:25 PM by SapphireFlame

Are you not entertained?

Oh delicious suffering :D

...

And by that, I of course mean "good luck." Heh... from a brief glance at the few first pages... you have your work cut out for you, as much is certain.

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You poor thing.

This looks interesting. If worst comes to worst, I'll try to recover your sanity and/or taking the reigns.

Also, if I had a bigger ego, I would be bragging about the fact that I inspired Evan to troll Chris again and actually bother to write more of Simonchu.

Oh delicious irony :p Though at least in Dark Yagami, the author is almost certainly in on the joke. As far as I can tell, if that's the case with Sonichu, then it is the Most Triumphant Example of Kayfabe by several orders of magnitude.

edited 29th Jan '10 7:25:50 PM by Haven

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku

Oh dear lord. Good luck.

"You fail to grasp the basic principles of mad science. Common sense would be cheating." - Narbonic

The remake is the only way I can read Sonichu.

...Sonichu remake?

The 2d version of Sonic 2006 doesn't seem all that weird anymore. No, wait, yes it does, because the Sonichu remake is certainly a troll.

SHIKI is dead.

Of course it's not meant to be taken seriously.

@Pacific: But if I read the remake I can't make fun of the art!

@Everyone else: Thanks for the support.

edited 29th Jan '10 8:41:59 PM by SapphireFlame

Are you not entertained?

...okay, I just went to our page on Sonichu and went to the link that supposedly should contain the original comic.

I read the first "episode", as well as the second "episode" introducing the main characters.

This doesn't look like either So Bad, It's Good or So Bad Its Horrible. It's more like Kinda Shitty But It Doesnt Ruffle My Feathers Possibly Because Ive Already Been Desensitized To Crappy Fanfics Anyway.

There's this whole sort of thing you need to absorb. Like the author. I mean, shit.

[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.

Foolish liveblogger, YOU SHALL DIE!

Of laughter.

ALL CREATURE WILL DIE AND ALL THE THINGS WILL BE BROKEN. THAT'S THE LAW OF SAMURAI.

^^^The plot, such as it is, deteriorates after the first few comics. Wait until you get to the devils, God and Jesus, the homophobia, the stripping (for "women's rights"), the author avataring, the Mary Sueing, the furry sex (in a comic ostensibly designed for children)...

For now it's incredibly stupid and bland, but mostly harmless. It gets better.

edited 29th Jan '10 9:24:23 PM by Penguin4Senate

Oh God, and I thought the Rape Lay liveblog would leave shattered and broken minds in its wake... It just got worse people. It just got a hell of a lot worse.

What are we going to review next, the unabridged Necronomicon?

The term "Great Man" is disturbingly interchangeable with "mass murderer" in history books.

I'd suggest "The King In Yellow" after this, but I'm pretty sure Sonichu is The King in Yellow.

I give it five updates before you're physically sick.

That being said, have fun!

The emotions of others can seem like such well guarded mysteries, people 8egin to 8elieve that's how their own emotions should 8e treated.

You sure you don't need any help with this? I've read all the Sonichu "comics" so far, so perhaps I could give some assistance...

Experience has taught me to investigate anything that glows.

I enjoy the suffering of others, even more so than my own. Mostly since the suffering of others isn't quite as uncomfortable to me as ... well, my own mental anguish

edited 30th Jan '10 7:54:45 AM by slowzombie

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I've been thinking about reading this, after all, it's only fair after reading all that stuff about the author. If you need help, count me in (although I'm not a good writer).

And that's how I ended up in the wardrobe. It Just Bugs Me!

It's been done.

edited 30th Jan '10 8:03:16 AM by Magus

All right, I've procrastinated this long enough. Time for the next part of issue 0

So this issue starts with Sonichu trying look reflective as he tells us the stuff we already know, that he can now talk like a human (why? Who knows?) , that he looks like that hedgehog he "helped" (read: got in the way of), and that he now has hedgehog powers. So apparently I was wrong in assuming they fused. I'm sure it doesn't make much difference, though, since we'll probably never see Sonic again anyway.

He decides to call himself Sonichu, and Christian's disembodied head tells us to stay tuned for more zappin' adventures of Sonichu as he uses his abilities to fight evil.

So Christian stops the plot to give us exposition that really could have been given in dialogue. He tells us that the comic is called "Sonichu", and by that he means the saga of a sad autistic manchild an electric hedgehog pokemon. Really? I never would have guessed. He also tells us that it takes place in CW Cville, where he is the mayor. I'd like to ask just how he possibly got elected, but I secretly suspect it's more like a dictatorship.

He runs through the list of characters, and I'm going to skip this part since I've already been through the CWC wiki and there's pretty much nothing of interest. Well, okay, there is one area of interest where he calls Slaweel and the "jerkops" two-bit villains. I'm going to assume that Chris doesn't know what this means, since Lampshade Hanging is clearly beyond him. Oh, and on his own profile Chris begs for a girlfriend and says he's lonely, but You Should Know This Already.

Okay, so the next part is called "Genesis of the lovehogs". We see our designated hero out in the woods looking for food. Apparently he's only been eating fruits and nuts for over a week, and as a result he's quite weak. Also, he's lonely.

However, he suddenly notices Rosechu standing by a creek. There's one panel devoted to her being surrounded by badly-drawn hearts, and Sonichu's only thought is "wow...", which is also surrounded by pink hearts. Subtle, Mr. Chandler

Rosechu runs off and Sonichu stalks her to her cabin, where she is still living with her trainer. Well, I suppose a role reversal from Sonic and Amy's relationship kind of counts as original, by Chris standards anyway.

Rosechu is sitting at her trainer's house, and oh so conveniently, she is whining about how there's no pokemon like herself to love. Chris, I hate to break this to you, but I think you're the only person who spends that much time thinking about how much you need someone of the opposite sex. Her trainer asks "What about Dragonite?" Creepy enough, but Rosechu's response is much weirder. And I quote, "Aw, come on, Kel, [your Dragonite's] too big for me! You can have him, I don't want him!" Must... resist... urge to make... bestiality... joke...

It looks like Rosechu won't have to resort to hot dragonite on hedgehog action after all, though, because Sonichu comes in wondering if he could have something to fuck eat, and it's cliched love at first sight. D'awwww...

The two hedgehogs introduce each other, and Rosechu's trainer walks in on them. Some bland and uninteresting dialogue takes place, and suddenly, there's an abrupt scene change as Sonichu and Rosechu are now holding hands on some kind of giant grey brick. Apparently, they're watching the night sky together. Well, at least it's not as weird as climbing trees together. There's some cliche'd romantic dialogue, and Rosechu says that she wishes she could hold hands and look at the night sky for hours. I don't know about you, but I'd rather just go to the movies.

Anyway, it's pretty clear that Chris has never had a girlfriend or gone on an actual date. Their dialogue is pretty nauseating, capped off when Sonichu says "As long as birds tweet, you are my heartsweet". Then they do something that looks vaguely like kissing while random fireworks explode for no reason. Excuse me, I have to go vomit now.

The last page is a badly-drawn advertisement for a Sonichu game boy advance game. Needless to say, the game doesn't exist, but it's pretty clear Chris wishes it did. It apparently comes in two versions: lightning version, and... um... some other version. Seems Chris didn't even bother telling us what the other version is.

"Get Zappin' with him and the chaotic combo!"

Yeah, Chris, I'll pass, thanks.

edited 30th Jan '10 3:28:44 PM by SapphireFlame

Are you not entertained?

I'd totally play it. I love horribly made games.

The emotions of others can seem like such well guarded mysteries, people 8egin to 8elieve that's how their own emotions should 8e treated.

Actually, he appears in Issue #1, along with Dr. Eggman and Metal SonicMetal Sonichu. Then, he never shows up again.

Experience has taught me to investigate anything that glows.

Ramus: Would you play Telefang?