Hawk the Slayer Let's start with the DVD case. The link there is to a site where you can buy the exact edition I have sitting in front of me for $21.45 US. That's like paying somebody to punch you in the nuts, only you have to wait 6-8 weeks for delivery.
Hawk The SlayerTwo brothers locked in deadly combat till the end of time! A few things to note here. One: The title is pretty epic. (The movie? Well... it tries?)
Two: The tagline lies. Thankfully, they do not fight "till the end of time" but for (checks back of DVD) 90 MINUTES?! Oh god i cant do this again no please ill do anything
Three: Jack Palance is the biggest name on this movie. His head is obscured by his helmet and John Terry's torso on the poster. That disembodied eye in the upper left of the boxart? Jack Motherfucking Palance is in this movie. Let's go ahead and look at the back, shall we? (Anything to delay the actual movie.) I see somebody found the texturing tool in Photoshop! Anyway, ready for some truly epic storytelling by way of cover copy? Of course not, but I'm gonna transcribe this shit anyway. Brace yourselves. ->Once upon a time, long ago, but perhaps not far away, there were two brothers. Hawk (John Terry) the younger brother was destined for greatness, possessing gifts of strength, honor, duty and courage BW. Voltan (Jack Palance), BW the elder, was a villain capable of great cruelty BW. Hideously deformed BW, Voltan roamed the land under a black mask so none would BW look on his ghastly face BW. When their father is killed by the hand of his firstborn BW, Voltan BW, Hawk swears vengeance. But Hawk soon has more than just his father's death to avenge. Okay, I need a break for a moment. The second (and final) paragraph isn't as long as the first, but it's just as predictable. Girding loins... And... ->The perverse BW Voltan and his son BW Drago have kidnapped the Abbess of Caddonbury BW and are holding her for ransom. It will take BW sword and sorcery BW to bring the evil Voltan to justice. Only the cunning Hawk BW, aided by BW the Giant, the Elf and the Dwarf BW can defeatthe mystical forces of Voltan BW, the "Dark One." Yay! It's over! I'm done now, and I didn't even bleed out my ears or anything! What? Movie? I... there's a movie? I thought it was just that horrible short story. Fine. Fine, I'll put the movie in. Next: The opening credits get their very own update!
edited 18th Nov '10 6:45:45 PM by BlackWolfe
With trembling fingers, I take Silverado out of the DVD drive, and put in the abomination. The computer monitor looks at me, unblinking, daring me to watch. DVDPlay freezes. I start to smile. It unfreezes. Flashes black, then white, twice, and I begin to think the movie is so bad it killed the computer. Then... A copyright warning. Seriously? I mean, I noticed one on the back of the DVD case, but... if I had the copyright to this movie, the last thing I would do is defend it, because that means I would have to admit owning it. The menu offers "Play Feature," "Scene Selections," "Trailer," and "Photo Gallery." I know I promised to blog the credits, but the trailer has got to come first.
edited 18th Nov '10 8:05:49 PM by BlackWolfe
Me: Yeah, that's what I expected.
Nick: ...that would be awesome, but, y'know... In any case, it's time to rescue the witch from a bunch of people who want to burn her For the Evulz. And Nick's pussied out and is playing Smackdown vs. Raw. Wimp. The Mind Sword leaps into Hawk's hand before one of the thugs even strings his arrow, and Hawk deflects the arrow. The archer flees. Hawk gives the other thug two opportunities to flee, but the man is destined to show off what an awesome fighter Hawk is. People killed by Hawk so far: 1. Nick: "She's a witch! May we burn her?" No, wait, wait, wait, wrong movie. Better movie. The witch tells Hawk about a one handed man who needs his help against Voltan (Artie). Hawk rides through the forest at breakneck pace. The forest is filled with LARP decorations (random skulls, snakes, and fake cobwebs) for no goddamned reason. (My wife: Because it's cool. What other reason do you need? It's metal!) Nick blathers on about The Princess Bride because that's much more entertaining than what's on screen. Meanwhile, Artie's about to get ambushed. He kills one of his attackers, but the other two get the drop on him because Hawk has to rescue everyone in this movie. So while we get slow-motion scenes of Hawk riding his horse, the bandits throw axes at Artie's head trying to see who can get closer without drawing blood. Enter Hawk! Man with Sword of Ridiculous Pommel vs. two men with throwing hatchets:
- Hawk throws his sword into one man's guts...
- Catches that man's hatchet in the same split-second
- And uses that hatchet to kill the other man.
People killed by Voltan: 1 Hawk introduces himself ot Artie. (Nick: Not once do they call him "Hawk the Slayer.") Artie gives Hawk the token given to him by the High Abbott and the quest has begun! Oh god, I know what's coming next and it hurts. Next: Let's go recruit the rest of the
edited 18th Nov '10 9:43:23 PM by BlackWolfe
Me: Cobwebs. Obviously cobwebs.
Nick: No, Jack Palance. (notices me writing) Hey, stop! I do not want to be a part of this! The movie screams in pain as Hawk lists off the members of their gaming group: Gort the giant, Crow the elf, and... I don't know. I heard "Baldy" and Nick heard "Balls." Balls is funnier, so Balls it is. Balls is a dwarf. They are all the last of their kind. Of course. Hawk comments that the place they're at was once a green forest of sunlight, and now it's a place of darkness and evil. Thanks to the only light being the Sword of Retardation, it looks pretty damn green to me. But cobwebby. Puppet monsters menace them and almost look creepy until they're shown for more than a split second. They jump-cut out of the green lighted place. Quickly riding past a goth poet, they return to the
edited 18th Nov '10 10:30:40 PM by BlackWolfe
Me: ...then you've probably played with better groups than we have.
Nick: And we envy you. Gort is drinking. Why? Because he's a giant/barbarian. He is wearing the barest nods towards armor: leather bracers and a steel breastplate. He fixes a man's wagon for the price of the beer he just drank and two pennies. The man refuses to pay, and looks suspiciously like an uncredited Colm Meany, so Gort breaks the wagon. There's a dozen people sitting around watching, so this means a fight. Why? Because we have to show off Gort's skills. It's six on one, and Gort has a hammer. Surprisingly, the fight choreography is good, and Gort wins in under two seconds. Then Hawk appears. Witch: Next, the elf.
Nick: Why do I have to do them in this order? Crow is dealing with a smith, who's crafting arrowheads for him. I would say "a fletcher," but the man only seems to make arrowheads, not the whole arrows. Two con men decide they're going to con the elf out of his money in an archery contest. Nick: Not the elf. I can deal with the giant. But not the elf. Crow doesn't talk much. He pulls back his hood and OH MY GOD THOSE ARE THE UGLIEST EAR PROSTHETICS I'VE EVER SEEN. Crow refuses to respond to insults, and has a very nasal voice to go along with his Spock Speak. Hawk appears just as one of the conmen is about to do something involving a dagger. GOD, Crow's horrible robospeak. The evil con-archer jumpcut fires an arrow at Crow, and the two of them have a showdown. Back to the cave, and it's time to recruit Balls (IMDB says his name is Baldin, but fuck that). Balls is tied to a raft and kindling, and a bunch of monks are firing flame arrows at him as part of a sacrifice to the Sacred Oneness of the Holy Waters of the Lake. Balls is our comic relief. We are in TROUBLE. He wields a whip and eats fish alive. Nick: He doesn't even speak like a proper duughhh Hawk briefs his gaming group on the module they're doing this session. Gort cracks a joke about how he's putting on weight. Balls wangsts about being the last of his kind. Nick: How the fuck did they manage that? Why is there only one giant, one elf, and one dwarf left?
Me: Because the rest wouldn't be in this movie. The witch tells them how they can get the ransom money: ride through yet another forest (it's the same one under another name, obviously) to find the Hunchback (the previously-mentioned slaver) and steal it from him. Remember, Evil Is Ugly. Next: One encounter nets 2000g. I'd call Monty Haul if it didn't exist solely to be used in the next part after that.
edited 18th Nov '10 10:54:53 PM by BlackWolfe
- Gotten a good five hour nap
- Gotten into a discussion on censorship in which I acted like the most fragile person ever to be protected by the Ministry of Truth
- Jumped into a couple of Forum Games a few times
- Went to the store for soda and crackers
- Avoided watching the latter half of this movie for about eight hours.
Gort: 6 (none in this scene)
Voltan: 1 The fight is short (about six seconds of jumpcuts) and bloodless. Gort makes up for his sad lapse of bloodshed by setting up a deathtrap that Jigsaw might find amusing: he takes the Hunchback's mace, ties its handle to a rope and pulley over the Hunchback's head, and puts the rope in his mouth. It's implied that the Hunchback is somehow unable to move, but I see no restraints. Also, Hawk gives some of the money to a bunch of slaves wearing nothing but filthy loincloths, and tells them to go back to their villages without providing them with an escort, or weapons, or clothes, or, well, any way of ensuring they even have a chance of doing so successfully. Our heroes. The scene ends with robbery, cold blooded murder, and a horrible, horrible joke. I'm rooting for Voltan even more at this point. He's clearly the least bloodthirsty person in the movie. He then cements his role as my hero by being a Large Ham, threatening his son and left-hand henchman (See, "left-hand," because he's sinister. Shut up, it's geek humor.) with death, and wangsting to his own kidnap victim about his horrible scarring. We cut to a man nearly getting trampled by a horse being ridden by a fop *. The fop is Drogo, son of Voltan. The man is one of the Hunchback's slaver minions, who comes bearing news of the scene we just saw. Thanks, movie, for reminding me of that horrible "fight" scene. And somehow, Drogo doesn't know who Hawk is. HE IS YOUR UNCLE, RETARD. Also, Drogo ensures silence by killing. More Crystal Power Lasik surgery and it's time to update this thread! Next: Drogo tries to kill Hawk and steal the gold from Hawk, who stole it from the Hunchback, who got it for stealing extras from the casting company.
edited 19th Nov '10 7:35:35 AM by BlackWolfe
Voltan: 1 So the movie should be called Hawk and the Slayers, but hey, more extras are dead, Drogo's unconscious and being dragged back to Voltan by two of his henchmen, and the plot (such as it is) has stalled again thanks to this pointless attempt at self-promotion on Drogo's part. Crow nasally (really incredibly nasally) drones that the only peace the Abbey would have gotten is "the peace of the dead." Drogo dies in his father's arms, which ties Hawk up with Artie. Voltan, not to be outdone by Balls, orders the two henchmen who brought Drogo back to fight or die (each other, it's presumed, but they choose to try to sneak up on him) and he kills one with his trusty throwing dagger and one with a spear. Why does he even have a sword? Voltan approaches the abbey alone, on horseback. The climax approaches, and that's a horrible thing to call it because it reminds me that this movie is screwing me over with every scene. Voltan: I am making my demands in as HAMMY A MANNER AS POSSIBLEEEEEEEE! Flashback to the death of Hawk's one true excuse for hating his brother. Gort recommends taking the fight to Voltan, so Crow is dispatched to run through the forest in slow motion to retrieve Patricia Quinn. She summons a fog that makes it really hard to keep score. Crow: 25 (and assorted inanimate objects)
Balls: 4 (I'm not sure about what happened at one point, so I'm giving him a kill during the impossible-to-make-out bit)
Voltan: 3 Hawk (the Slayer, who is way behind on his slaying compared to jump-cut boy) bursts into a tent, where he is confronted by Voltan holding the Abbess at knifepoint. Again, why does Voltan carry a sword everywhere? Artie drags Hawk back out to the battle, where Balls confirms my guess by getting two more kills in the same camera angle as the last one, Gort gets one more, and they all run off, victori— wait, no they're not. WHAT THE FUCK? God dammit, Hawk, get back in there and do some SLAYING! The gaming group head back to the inn to recover (and have some Cheetos and Mountain Dew) and you know what? I need a few minutes to recover, too. Next: The conclusion. Dear God, please let it be the conclusion.
edited 19th Nov '10 8:38:51 AM by BlackWolfe
Balls: 6 (and never going to get any more)
Patricia Quinn: 1 man suffocated with silly string Okay, with Balls dead and buried, it's time to do the same to this movie. And oh God here's the scene, here's the scene!
The Final ScoreCrow: 33 (plus helpless clothing items)
Hawk: 15 (but not a scratch in anyone's clothes)
Balls: 6 (not counting himself)
Voltan: 4 - maybe 5 if he killed Crow
Random Henchmen: 2 (including a Terrycloth Nun)