Let's Watch BlackWolfe Watch Hawk The Slayer!:

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So. Hawk the Slayer. What can be said about this... movie? Well, you could go to the works page for it, and note how egregiously the grammar degenerates, as though the very act of describing the plot of this movie has one irreparable harm to the language centers (if not the entirety) of the editors' brains.

You could watch the movie yourself if you can find it on the internet. (I'm sure you can. First of all, I'm not going to go looking for it. Secondly, as you'll see shortly, it's not necessary.)

You could take the word of someone who's watched it themselves. Or you could sit there, Pass the Popcorn around, and enjoy my deranged gibbering as I subject myself to it for a second time for your amusement.

Let's Watch
Hawk the Slayer

Let's start with the DVD case. The link there is to a site where you can buy the exact edition I have sitting in front of me for $21.45 US. That's like paying somebody to punch you in the nuts, only you have to wait 6-8 weeks for delivery.

Hawk The Slayer

Two brothers locked in deadly combat till the end of time!

A few things to note here.

One: The title is pretty epic. (The movie? Well... it tries?)
Two: The tagline lies. Thankfully, they do not fight "till the end of time" but for (checks back of DVD) 90 MINUTES?! Oh god i cant do this again no please ill do anything
Three: Jack Palance is the biggest name on this movie. His head is obscured by his helmet and John Terry's torso on the poster. That disembodied eye in the upper left of the boxart? Jack Motherfucking Palance is in this movie.

Let's go ahead and look at the back, shall we? (Anything to delay the actual movie.)

I see somebody found the texturing tool in Photoshop! Anyway, ready for some truly epic storytelling by way of cover copy? Of course not, but I'm gonna transcribe this shit anyway. Brace yourselves.

->Once upon a time, long ago, but perhaps not far away, there were two brothers. Hawk (John Terry) the younger brother was destined for greatness, possessing gifts of strength, honor, duty and courage  BW. Voltan (Jack Palance),  BW the elder, was a villain capable of great cruelty  BW. Hideously deformed  BW, Voltan roamed the land under a black mask so none would  BW look on his ghastly face  BW. When their father is killed by the hand of his firstborn  BW, Voltan  BW, Hawk swears vengeance. But Hawk soon has more than just his father's death to avenge.

Okay, I need a break for a moment. The second (and final) paragraph isn't as long as the first, but it's just as predictable. Girding loins... And...

->The perverse  BW Voltan and his son  BW Drago have kidnapped the Abbess of Caddonbury  BW and are holding her for ransom. It will take  BW sword and sorcery  BW to bring the evil Voltan to justice. Only the cunning Hawk  BW, aided by  BW the Giant, the Elf and the Dwarf  BW can defeatthe mystical forces of Voltan  BW, the "Dark One."

Yay! It's over! I'm done now, and I didn't even bleed out my ears or anything!



I... there's a movie? I thought it was just that horrible short story.


Fine, I'll put the movie in.

Next: The opening credits get their very own update!

edited 18th Nov '10 6:45:45 PM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
Why does the guy look like Harrison Ford, particularly Han Solo?
Because this movie came out in 1980, and Star Wars was fucking huge then.

With trembling fingers, I take Silverado out of the DVD drive, and put in the abomination. The computer monitor looks at me, unblinking, daring me to watch. DVDPlay freezes. I start to smile. It unfreezes. Flashes black, then white, twice, and I begin to think the movie is so bad it killed the computer.

Then... A copyright warning. Seriously? I mean, I noticed one on the back of the DVD case, but... if I had the copyright to this movie, the last thing I would do is defend it, because that means I would have to admit owning it.

The menu offers "Play Feature," "Scene Selections," "Trailer," and "Photo Gallery." I know I promised to blog the credits, but the trailer has got to come first.

Voltan: sad You've found the power which is... ... ... ...rightly mine!

(I put that sad face in there, but the only way to truly represent the way Jack Palance mugs in that scene is .[ which is the awesomest smiley ever and I will use it from now on when I am being upset.)

Narrator: (about Hawk) He had a secret weapon: the ancient power... of the Sword of Mind.

Okay, guys? About this "secret weapon" thing? It's only a secret if he hides it.

Voltan: The-last-thing-you-will-ever-see-is-the-woman-you-loved! In my arms.

.[ Even Jack seems to be rushing to get this shit over with now.

Witch: (whispered, like all her lines) I am ready.

I am not.


Narrator: Two brothers. Two armies.

Wait, are we talking about the same movie here? I don't remember much in the way of armies, thankfully.

Narrator: Voltan's army: the Devil's army. And Hawk's.

Again with the screaming Hawk. Even the logo is horrified by this shit.

Wait, they're counting the witch as part of their army? I don't... wait... um... Oh god, I just remembered the magic missile scene, somebody shoot me now.

More jump-cut archery. With the crossbow, it isn't as noticeable, but, damn, couldn't they have hired Mike Jittlove to add some motion blur to Crow's hands or something?

Oh, look, they're showing the magic missile scene.

Narrator: Two blood brothers with only blood between them.

Holy SHIT, that is a much better tagline than "Two brothers locked in deadly combat till the end of time."

And checking the "Photo Gallery" shows a bunch of stills from the movie. That's it. Because we just watched the only promotional material this movie deserves.

Next: BlackWolfe runs out of ways to stall and actually starts the movie.

edited 18th Nov '10 8:05:49 PM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
Okay, enough stalling. You've seen this movie before, you can handle it. You've watched fucking Pirhana and Night of the Lepus. This movie will not beat you.

"Play Feature". No turning back now, the thread's been created and responded to.

Title Card: This is a story of Heroic Deeds and the bitter struggle for the triumph of Good over Evil and of a wondrous Sword wielded by a mighty Hero when the Legions of Darkness stalk the land.

Someone please tell the Writers that Capitalizing Certain Words is more Pretentious Stupidity than it is a means of Emphasis.

Horse in fog. Trees in fog. Somewhere, Akira Kurosawa is weeping. Oh, look, it's Voltan! Hi, Jack!

Voltan's father is in the gold-plated Room of Ostentatiousness, meditating-or-something. Voltan quietly dispatches the only guard in the entire castle and just waltzes into the room.

Hawk now approaches from the same direction as Voltan. So that entire castle was the residence of their father and one guard.

Blather about "the ancient power." Spoiler alert: it's the cheesiest sword in film history. I tried to hunt a video clip of the scene in question, but even YouTube has its limits for silly shit people will upload. I'll have to describe it when it happens shortly.

Voltan stabs their father, then casually leaves through one door while Hawk bursts in the other. They spent the entire budget for this movie on Jack Palance and gold spraypaint for this room (and for the hand). Daddy dies, but not before a bit of expogab:

Father: The prophecy is fulfilled, my son. The evil I have spawned... will now pollute... the land.

Oh, so you made this movie!

Okay, I will describe this next scene as clearly as possible, so that you can picture it. Hanging from a protruding bit on the (gold colored) wall is a sword. It is currently the most ridiculous sword in the world, but it is about to become even moreso.

Its hilt is gold, and its pommel nut is shaped like a life-sized fist. This is not only awkwardly large compared to the hilt, but stupid looking to boot. Otherwise, the sword is a pretty average replica longsword.

At his (dying) father's instruction, Hawk places the sword between them, embedding its blade in the floor while the whole time acting like he's been told to wash the dishes and mow the lawn.

He takes a rock out of a leather pouch and stares at it (again, under instruction from a dying man) until it glows bright fucking green, string-levitates out of his hand, and floats over to the sword.

The sword is, for one scene, replaced with a grip's hand, spraypainted gold, which opens up. The stone lands in the open hand, which grips the stone. We now have the Sword of Mind mentioned in the trailer.

Father: Think... of the Great Sword in your hand... and it will be so.

Just. Fucking. Die. Already.

Father: The Mind Sword is now yours, my son.

I bet he never called Voltan that. He probably turned to evil after his dad started calling him "servant of the Devil" and "Dark One." In any case, Father dies (he's never given a name at all), and Hawk rushes past the spraypainted grip Mind Sword to his side, but it's too late. The movie has begun. Remember that scene in The Empire Strikes Back where Luke uses the Force to grab his lightsaber? Picture that, only with the aforementioned Sword of Stupid, and slower, and with Luke doing it for shits and giggles instead of because it was the only way he could reach.

Then pretend Luke has this absolute hatred for floors and stabs them at every fucking opportunity while swearing that Voltan will die.

And then we get credits. I've already commented on the screaming hawk in the trailer, so I'lljust comment on the insanely disco theme song and the presence of fucking Patricia Quinn in this. Somehow, this is a step down for her. A bunch of other names roll by that aren't at all familiar, probably because I didn't grow up watching BBC dramas in the late 70s and early 80s, but instead watching the American equivalents, Magnum, P.I., Murder, She Wrote, and so on.

The music, I note, is by Harry Robertson and gets its own copyright boilerplate. Because that is some epic film scoring, there.

Original Story and Screenplay by Terry Marcel and Harry Robertson oh god this is a vanity project my theory is confirmed it all makes sense now arrghgharble.

As the credits continue, we are introduced to a new character: old guy with a crossbow. Old guy with a crossbow drags himself up the front steps to a Doctor Who soundstage pretending to be an abbey, where two nuns in white terrycloth robes haul him inside. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I'M NOT EXAGGERATING THE LOW PRODUCTION VALUES.

They chop his hand off, because being in this movie isn't suffering enough (also, his hand is injured "he's got no fingers!" because they were "left on some battlefield"). Old guy is referred to by name, but I can't understand the woman speaking because they only have one boom mic and it's over him because he can't fucking speak up. It sounds like "Artumouse," so I shall call him Artie.

Artie's village was attacked by "the Devil Himself", and Artie's looking for someone to get revenge. The nuns are all Good Cannot Comprehend Evil, and want to know who could possibly kill women and children. We are not at all shocked to discover it's "Voltan, the Dark One." And this seems like a good place to update.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
You're watching this? You poor soul. I've only heard about this. The trailer would instantly make me not want to see it... alone, that is. Maybe at the $1 movie night with a bunch of friends to help heckle it. The effects budget is saddening, and the "plot" is making me wish I weren't so harsh on Wizards.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
I took a break after that update because I can pace myself as much as I damn well please and I'm hoping my roommate will come home so I can have company in my misery. In any event, next update in a few minutes.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
Voltan calls out to his masters for help. Jack Palance is such as Large Ham it makes his scenes almost watchable. His eye does not heal. Even the demon he works for can do nothing for it.

I think they're implying here that the demon is torturing him For the Evulz and isn't even trying to heal him, but if so, they're failing at conveying that. Instead, we get magical Lazik surgery.

The terrycloth nuns prayers are interrupted by Voltan. Voltan repeatedly refers to the abbess as "Old Woman" despite being almost twice her age. And Artie falls victim to Voltan's throwing dagger. It's a wonder the man carries a sword around at all, he uses the dagger so much. He kidnaps the Abbess.

Voltan: Go tell them for 2000 pieces of gold they can buy her freedom!

He then demonstrates what will happen if the ransom is not paid: he cuts a loaf of bread in half with his sword. So, if they don't pay the ransom, he'll... cater their next meal?

At this point, my roommate walked in and refused to help me pick this movie apart because "it's too easy, I want a challenge." Fucker.

Artie advises the Sisterhood of the Towel to pay the ransom, but the Church has decreed that no ransom will ever be paid for anyone of their order. Artie decides to go for help, and is sent to the Holy Fortress to speak to the High Abbott.

The Holy Fortress is an obvious, though not bad, matte painting. The High Abbott is vaguely familiar, but refuses to pay because SLIPPERY SLOPE!

However, he says there is one who could help, who has helped in the past, and gives Artie a token to give to the person, who we are unsurprised to find is Hawk.

We cut to Hawk, riding at a very slow pace through woods filled with fog, stage swamp, and a snake that's probably one of the producer's pets. He hears a scream, and the next scene is so EPIC that it gets its own update!

Next: Hawk rescues a woman who could only be brought into this movie blindfolded.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
Muahahahahahaha! I've gotten Nick involved after all, by reading him what I have so far!

Nick: If the sword was to, you know, instantly appear in his hand...
Me: Yeah, that's what I expected.
Nick: ...that would be awesome, but, y'know...

In any case, it's time to rescue the witch from a bunch of people who want to burn her For the Evulz. And Nick's pussied out and is playing Smackdown vs. Raw. Wimp.

The Mind Sword leaps into Hawk's hand before one of the thugs even strings his arrow, and Hawk deflects the arrow. The archer flees. Hawk gives the other thug two opportunities to flee, but the man is destined to show off what an awesome fighter Hawk is.

People killed by Hawk so far: 1.

Nick: "She's a witch! May we burn her?" No, wait, wait, wait, wrong movie. Better movie.

The witch tells Hawk about a one handed man who needs his help against Voltan (Artie). Hawk rides through the forest at breakneck pace. The forest is filled with LARP decorations (random skulls, snakes, and fake cobwebs) for no goddamned reason. (My wife: Because it's cool. What other reason do you need? It's metal!)

Nick blathers on about The Princess Bride because that's much more entertaining than what's on screen.

Meanwhile, Artie's about to get ambushed.

He kills one of his attackers, but the other two get the drop on him because Hawk has to rescue everyone in this movie. So while we get slow-motion scenes of Hawk riding his horse, the bandits throw axes at Artie's head trying to see who can get closer without drawing blood.

Enter Hawk! Man with Sword of Ridiculous Pommel vs. two men with throwing hatchets:
  • Hawk throws his sword into one man's guts...
  • Catches that man's hatchet in the same split-second
  • And uses that hatchet to kill the other man.

People killed by Hawk so far: 3
People killed by Voltan: 1

Hawk introduces himself ot Artie. (Nick: Not once do they call him "Hawk the Slayer.") Artie gives Hawk the token given to him by the High Abbott and the quest has begun! Oh god, I know what's coming next and it hurts.

Next: Let's go recruit the rest of the LARPers characters!

edited 18th Nov '10 9:43:23 PM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
Voltan visits an "inn." The innkeeper warns Voltan that the one armed man is searching for something. Voltan's son yells at a couple of slavers for not rising in the presence of Jack Palance. Voltan likes a man with spirit, vulcan nerve pinches the other one to death, and orders his henchmen to cut the first man's tongue from his head for daring to say that his boss would be told about the death of one of his slavers.

Artie asks if Hawk has ever crossed swords with Voltan. Cue lovey-dovey flashback.

Okay, now that you have the image of Hawk and Voltan getting romantic, you will not unsee it even though that's not what happened. We're flashing back to Hawk and his One True Love, she of the flowing chestnut hair and entirely too much makeup. They've got this whole Flower Children vibe and are snuggling in a vinyard declaring their eternal love for each other.

At this point, I am anxious for her to die if only to stop this Tastes Like Diabetes scene. Voltan walks in on Hawk and his betrothed, and is very angry because obviously Hawk used used his "silver tongue" to turn her against Voltan.

She gives Hawk a cross to protect him. This will never be seen again.

Suddenly, cartridge fed, rapid-fire crossbow. Artie's crossbow is the only likeable thing in this movie.

They must travel through the Forest of Weyr. Or Weir. Or Wyr. Or We're. It's the same damned forest with skulls and cobwebs and shit, only now there's a big styrofoam stone archway. Hawk and Artie ride under the arch and jump-cut magically vanish.

They appear in an obvious sound-stage ominous labyrinth of cobwebs (they sure like their cobwebs in this movie).

Nick: We had a budget, right? Where did it all go?
Me: Cobwebs. Obviously cobwebs.
Nick: No, Jack Palance. (notices me writing) Hey, stop! I do not want to be a part of this!

The movie screams in pain as Hawk lists off the members of their gaming group: Gort the giant, Crow the elf, and... I don't know. I heard "Baldy" and Nick heard "Balls." Balls is funnier, so Balls it is. Balls is a dwarf. They are all the last of their kind. Of course.

Hawk comments that the place they're at was once a green forest of sunlight, and now it's a place of darkness and evil. Thanks to the only light being the Sword of Retardation, it looks pretty damn green to me. But cobwebby.

Puppet monsters menace them and almost look creepy until they're shown for more than a split second. They jump-cut out of the green lighted place. Quickly riding past a goth poet, they return to the Old Man from Scene 32 witch's cave, and it's time to use the Superman 2 hula-hoop prison as a teleporter to recruit Hawk's gaming buddies.

Next: Klatuu barada oh god I can't believe I'm watching this shit.

edited 18th Nov '10 10:30:40 PM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
10 BlackWolfe18th Nov 2010 10:30:26 PM from Lost in Austin
Nick: Really, if you're not watching this movie going "I've played with this group..."
Me: ...then you've probably played with better groups than we have.
Nick: And we envy you.

Gort is drinking. Why? Because he's a giant/barbarian. He is wearing the barest nods towards armor: leather bracers and a steel breastplate. He fixes a man's wagon for the price of the beer he just drank and two pennies.

The man refuses to pay, and looks suspiciously like an uncredited Colm Meany, so Gort breaks the wagon. There's a dozen people sitting around watching, so this means a fight. Why? Because we have to show off Gort's skills.

It's six on one, and Gort has a hammer. Surprisingly, the fight choreography is good, and Gort wins in under two seconds. Then Hawk appears.

Witch: Next, the elf.
Nick: Why do I have to do them in this order?

Crow is dealing with a smith, who's crafting arrowheads for him. I would say "a fletcher," but the man only seems to make arrowheads, not the whole arrows.

Two con men decide they're going to con the elf out of his money in an archery contest.

Nick: Not the elf. I can deal with the giant. But not the elf.

Crow doesn't talk much. He pulls back his hood and OH MY GOD THOSE ARE THE UGLIEST EAR PROSTHETICS I'VE EVER SEEN. Crow refuses to respond to insults, and has a very nasal voice to go along with his Spock Speak.

Hawk appears just as one of the conmen is about to do something involving a dagger.

GOD, Crow's horrible robospeak.

The evil con-archer jumpcut fires an arrow at Crow, and the two of them have a showdown.

Back to the cave, and it's time to recruit Balls (IMDB says his name is Baldin, but fuck that).

Balls is tied to a raft and kindling, and a bunch of monks are firing flame arrows at him as part of a sacrifice to the Sacred Oneness of the Holy Waters of the Lake.

Balls is our comic relief. We are in TROUBLE. He wields a whip and eats fish alive.

Nick: He doesn't even speak like a proper duughhh

Hawk briefs his gaming group on the module they're doing this session. Gort cracks a joke about how he's putting on weight. Balls wangsts about being the last of his kind.

Nick: How the fuck did they manage that? Why is there only one giant, one elf, and one dwarf left?
Me: Because the rest wouldn't be in this movie.

The witch tells them how they can get the ransom money: ride through yet another forest (it's the same one under another name, obviously) to find the Hunchback (the previously-mentioned slaver) and steal it from him.

Remember, Evil Is Ugly.

Next: One encounter nets 2000g. I'd call Monty Haul if it didn't exist solely to be used in the next part after that.

edited 18th Nov '10 10:54:53 PM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
11 BlackWolfe19th Nov 2010 07:33:43 AM from Lost in Austin
Okay, since the last update (just shy of halfway through the movie), I have:
  • Gotten a good five hour nap
  • Gotten into a discussion on censorship in which I acted like the most fragile person ever to be protected by the Ministry of Truth
  • Jumped into a couple of Forum Games a few times
  • Went to the store for soda and crackers
  • Avoided watching the latter half of this movie for about eight hours.

Nick went to bed right around the time I got up, so it's just me and whoever happens to walk into the room. Let's do this.

OH GOD MORE FLASHBACK. Hawk's tragic past is closing in.

Hawk: The country is being put to the torch and soon... we will be forced to defend our own lands.

Which you've just said you're utterly failing to—

Voltan: Did somebody order a side of Ham and Cheese?

Ohgodno. But this cuts off the flashback without The Reveal - even though it's obvious who just interrupted. We get a travel montage. None of these people can ride horses worth a shit.

We're back at the Abbey of Cadbury.

Hawk says how well he knows Voltan, and we get the rest of that flashback. The crucifix that Hawk's One True Love blinds Voltan, and she burns his face. As Hawk and his oTL make their escape, Voltan blindly fires the his crossbow and kills her oh my god what a surprise.

The next scene involves Balls using the world's stupidest con to swindle Gort out of his food. Really.

Balls: All I'm saying is... that might be holy food.

Seriously, this scene is the worst excuse for comic relief since... the rest of this movie. What the hell was I thinking?

Gort is too stupid to make the distinction when one of the Sisterhood of the Cadbury Bunny clarifies that "all food is holy" because "it comes from God."

Lots of talk about how pacifism is useless. Like a true munchkin, Hawk is more concerned with gold than philosophy. And now it's time for the slaver.

The so-called Hunchback is as foul as required for this scene and then some. Hawk tries his hand at banditry. He is pretentious as hell as he explains - no shit, explains - that he needs the Hunchback's help unloading the gold from his boat.

Jumpcut movie magic makes for rapidfire archery and crossbow work. It would be better to show Crow and Artie readying their weapons and just cut between people getting mowed down without the horrible jumpcut reloading, but hey. I lost count, so I watch the scene again for the scorecard:

Crow: 8 (plus two hats and a string)
Gort: 6 (none in this scene)
Artie: 4
Hawk: 3
Balls: 1
Voltan: 1

The fight is short (about six seconds of jumpcuts) and bloodless. Gort makes up for his sad lapse of bloodshed by setting up a deathtrap that Jigsaw might find amusing: he takes the Hunchback's mace, ties its handle to a rope and pulley over the Hunchback's head, and puts the rope in his mouth. It's implied that the Hunchback is somehow unable to move, but I see no restraints.

Also, Hawk gives some of the money to a bunch of slaves wearing nothing but filthy loincloths, and tells them to go back to their villages without providing them with an escort, or weapons, or clothes, or, well, any way of ensuring they even have a chance of doing so successfully.

Our heroes.

The scene ends with robbery, cold blooded murder, and a horrible, horrible joke.

I'm rooting for Voltan even more at this point. He's clearly the least bloodthirsty person in the movie.

He then cements his role as my hero by being a Large Ham, threatening his son and left-hand henchman (See, "left-hand," because he's sinister. Shut up, it's geek humor.) with death, and wangsting to his own kidnap victim about his horrible scarring.

We cut to a man nearly getting trampled by a horse being ridden by a fop  *. The fop is Drogo, son of Voltan.

The man is one of the Hunchback's slaver minions, who comes bearing news of the scene we just saw. Thanks, movie, for reminding me of that horrible "fight" scene. And somehow, Drogo doesn't know who Hawk is. HE IS YOUR UNCLE, RETARD. Also, Drogo ensures silence by killing.

More Crystal Power Lasik surgery and it's time to update this thread!

Next: Drogo tries to kill Hawk and steal the gold from Hawk, who stole it from the Hunchback, who got it for stealing extras from the casting company.

edited 19th Nov '10 7:35:35 AM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
These are supposed to be the heroes? Meanwhile Voltan is crazy, but highly progressive.

Think about it. He kills slavers and is engaged in a gay marriage. Admittedly it's with his son, which is both incestuous and highly classist, but that's to be expected. Having a left-hand man instead of a woman, however, is not.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
13 BlackWolfe19th Nov 2010 07:56:14 AM from Lost in Austin
I'm still trying to figure out when Voltan took time out from his Card-Carrying Villain schedule to have a son who's apparently about Hawk's age.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
Hmm... that might make it more manageable then. Maybe neither Voltan nor his "son" are actually the sons of the people they claim are their fathers. Maybe they were adopted, and in Voltan's case it was for political reasons. Maybe the reason he killed his father is because of how much of an absolute jerk both dear Dad and his bloodthirsty golden boy of a son were.

He was hoping to keep the family heirloom from falling into the wrong hands. He failed.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
15 BlackWolfe19th Nov 2010 08:37:35 AM from Lost in Austin
Artie and one of the nuns are discussing the plan. Hawk says that trusting Voltan is a colossal mistake. Projecting much?

Balls is sent to scout, and takes all of two seconds to do so. Competent. And another gag about Balls and Gort and food in which Balls tricks Gort into thinking he's eating lizard eyes when he's eating (unintelligible) nuts. I think he said "shepherd." It would about fit with the morality of the group.

Drogo makes his move, the nuns beg Hawk to hand over the gold to the approaching armed men, and the "heroes" set up an ambush in a fucking abbey. Badly.

Another eight-second fight scene I'll have to watch again to update the scorecard, but now even Balls has racked up a higher kill count than the villain.

Crow: 16 (not counting those two hats and a string)
Gort: 10
Artie: 7
Hawk: 6
Balls: 3
Voltan: 1

So the movie should be called Hawk and the Slayers, but hey, more extras are dead, Drogo's unconscious and being dragged back to Voltan by two of his henchmen, and the plot (such as it is) has stalled again thanks to this pointless attempt at self-promotion on Drogo's part.

Crow nasally (really incredibly nasally) drones that the only peace the Abbey would have gotten is "the peace of the dead."

Drogo dies in his father's arms, which ties Hawk up with Artie. Voltan, not to be outdone by Balls, orders the two henchmen who brought Drogo back to fight or die (each other, it's presumed, but they choose to try to sneak up on him) and he kills one with his trusty throwing dagger and one with a spear. Why does he even have a sword?

Voltan approaches the abbey alone, on horseback. The climax approaches, and that's a horrible thing to call it because it reminds me that this movie is screwing me over with every scene.

Voltan: I am making my demands in as HAMMY A MANNER AS POSSIBLEEEEEEEE!

Flashback to the death of Hawk's one true excuse for hating his brother. Gort recommends taking the fight to Voltan, so Crow is dispatched to run through the forest in slow motion to retrieve Patricia Quinn.

She summons a fog that makes it really hard to keep score.

Crow: 25 (and assorted inanimate objects)
Gort: 14
Artie: 13
Hawk: 7
Balls: 4 (I'm not sure about what happened at one point, so I'm giving him a kill during the impossible-to-make-out bit)
Voltan: 3

Hawk (the Slayer, who is way behind on his slaying compared to jump-cut boy) bursts into a tent, where he is confronted by Voltan holding the Abbess at knifepoint.

Again, why does Voltan carry a sword everywhere?

Artie drags Hawk back out to the battle, where Balls confirms my guess by getting two more kills in the same camera angle as the last one, Gort gets one more, and they all run off, victori— wait, no they're not. WHAT THE FUCK? God dammit, Hawk, get back in there and do some SLAYING!

The gaming group head back to the inn to recover (and have some Cheetos and Mountain Dew) and you know what? I need a few minutes to recover, too.

Next: The conclusion. Dear God, please let it be the conclusion.

edited 19th Nov '10 8:38:51 AM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
16 BlackWolfe19th Nov 2010 09:25:08 AM from Lost in Austin
Our heroes are preparing for the final conflict, which will happen at the abbey. The terrycloth nuns of the Sacred Order of the Cadbury Bunny are shocked at this statement, and one of them goes running off to Voltan.

Crow: We have sat waiting...  BW like this... many times before.  BW Sometimes I tire... of fighting and killing  BW. At night, I can hear the call of my race.

He's supposed to sound mystical instead of schizophrenic and about to commit suicide.

Balls declares that it would take a thousand men to enter the Abbey, which pretty much ruins the climax of the movie, because that means the climax is beyond the movie's budget.

Sister Towelonherhead drugs Gort's beer as part of her sinister plan to end this movie as quickly as possible. I approve.

Hawk wakes up to Voltan holding a sword at his throat, which is a wasted threat. We all know Voltan never uses his sword to kill. He demonstrates by stabbing Sister Terrycloth with a dagger for her help (still in last place, though).

He then confirms Goggle Fox's theory that Drogo was adopted. O_o I'd say "way to go Goggle Fox," but I think that's actually an insult in this case.

Ham ham ham ham ham ham ham ham hammity ham, wonderful ham! Wonderful ham, marvellous ham!

Voltan orders a man with a torch to fetch him fire. Nobody moves, presumably because the man already has fire.

Voltan gloats, monologues, and taunts the "heroes." Despite being tied up, Balls kicks him in the face.

More ham, and then the feast begins, at which I suspect no ham is served because that would be cannibalism. Meanwhile, Voltan runs off for more Crystal Lasik.

Patricia Quinn silly strings a man to death. I am not fucking kidding here, take a look:

Anyway, she sneaks in and frees Our Heroes from their captivity so we can get on to the ACTUAL climax of the story.

According to the length of the video, I've been watching for 77 minutes, not counting pauses and rewinds, which means I should stop for one more break before the final update.

I will do so right after the scene in which Balls dies, and is buried in the larval body of Hamidon "to protect the grave from wild beasts who would disturb it."

Next: The final battle. A magic missile spell that would make the FX crew of the Tom Baker run on Doctor Who cringe.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
Dammit movie, stop being so utterly stupid that my jokes are right!


That silly string scene...

Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
18 BlackWolfe19th Nov 2010 09:39:28 AM from Lost in Austin
Dammit, Goggle Fox you've got me seeking a DVD ripper so I can show you just how much that isn't the worst special effect in the movie. Also as a means of stalling.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
She could have clubbed the guy over the head with the bar she floated out of the door and it would have been more effective and lower budget, and not been ridiculous.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
20 BlackWolfe19th Nov 2010 09:46:30 AM from Lost in Austin
But it would have been less magical I guess?
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
21 BlackWolfe19th Nov 2010 12:43:34 PM from Lost in Austin
First, let's update that scoreboard:

Crow: 25 (and assorted inanimate objects)
Gort: 15
Artie: 13
Hawk: 7
Balls: 6 (and never going to get any more)
Voltan: 4
Patricia Quinn: 1 man suffocated with silly string

Okay, with Balls dead and buried, it's time to do the same to this movie. And oh God here's the scene, here's the scene!

Witch: Have no fear  BW. My magic powers will not harm you  BW, but just for a short time, my powers will create a whirlpool of flying firebolts to blind their eyes.

That is, by the way, the only possible explanation for how the special effects made it past anything resembling an editing process.

The spinning column of whatthefuck spews glowing superballs into the abbey, where Voltan's men leap to their feet in disarray. Give 'em credit, I'd be confused if someone assaulted me with the contents of a coin-operated toy vending machine, too.

Then, there's an explosion of soap flakes - usually used to represent snow, but there hasn't been any snow in this movie at all, so I have no clue what's going on here - and Crow leaps into the room, jump-cuts at the ready.

During the fray, Voltan knocks Gort unconscious, and somehow Hawk ends up outside, where he makes short work of four goons in a row (plus three more inside). A goon pegs Artie with a throwing dagger, another one stabs a nun, and Crow and Artie (prior to his injury) account for eight goons each.

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
22 BlackWolfe19th Nov 2010 12:43:54 PM from Lost in Austin
When Hawk comes back inside, Gort is tied up and being held at swordpoint, Crow and Artie appear to be dead, and the Abbess and two other members of the Holy Order of Terrycloth Robes are in nooses, standing on an unstable stack of tables on the altar.

More acting from Jack Palance, who forces Hawk to disarm and... oh, God, he's disrobing too... Oh, wait, just the vest. Hawk attempts to blind Voltan with the crucifix, causing flashbacks, then reveals that it's been a tiny little switchblade all along. It's somehow balanced for throwing, and he cuts Gort free, then takes three fucking seconds levitating the Dumb Sword into his hand while Gort scores two more kills.

Cue that .[ awesome scene from the trailer. Jack has no illusions about what kind of movie this is. He throws his handy-dandy dagger, but the Tard Sword effortlessly deflects it, leading into...

...horrible fight choreography in slow motion so you can see how bad it is. I love how when Voltan dies, he rolls over so you can see that this is not only Bloodless Carnage, but that Hawk's sword killed him while failing to cut through his tunic.

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
23 BlackWolfe19th Nov 2010 12:44:12 PM from Lost in Austin
There isn't much left to the movie, except a complee lack of a funeral for Artie and Crow. Oh, and three Sequel Hooks in rapid succession:

And the movie screams at us one last time before the credits roll.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
24 BlackWolfe19th Nov 2010 12:44:27 PM from Lost in Austin
Also, here's the creation of the Gahhhsostupid Sword.

The Final Score

Crow: 33 (plus helpless clothing items)
Gort: 21
Artie: 21
Hawk: 15 (but not a scratch in anyone's clothes)
Balls: 6 (not counting himself)
Voltan: 4 - maybe 5 if he killed Crow
Random Henchmen: 2 (including a Terrycloth Nun)
Patricia Quinn Witch: 1 man suffocated with silly string

Hawk comes in a distant fourth place, with less than half the kills of Pointy-Eared Jump-cut Boy Crow the Slayer. Gort and Artie would tie for second, but Gort being the... bigger man yields second to the deceased. The arcane powers of sorcery have come in last by suffocating one man with silly string and annoying the hell out of countless people watching this movie (and Voltan's henchmen).
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
. . . Why does this movie exist? How is it worse than Space Mutiny? HOW.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.

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