Total posts:  2
Let's Watch BlackWolfe Watch Hawk The Slayer!:
Hawk the Slayer. What can be said about this... movie? Well, you could go to the works page for it, and note how egregiously the grammar degenerates, as though the very act of describing the plot of this movie has one irreparable harm to the language centers (if not the entirety) of the editors' brains. You could watch the movie yourself if you can find it on the internet. (I'm sure you can. First of all, I'm not going to go looking for it. Secondly, as you'll see shortly, it's not necessary.) You could take the word of someone who's watched it themselves. Or you could sit there, Pass the Popcorn around, and enjoy my deranged gibbering as I subject myself to it for a second time for your amusement. Let's Watch
Hawk the Slayer Let's start with the DVD case. The link there is to a site where you can buy the exact edition I have sitting in front of me for $21.45 US. That's like paying somebody to punch you in the nuts, only you have to wait 6-8 weeks for delivery.
Hawk The SlayerTwo brothers locked in deadly combat till the end of time! A few things to note here. One: The title is pretty epic. (The movie? Well... it tries?)
Two: The tagline lies. Thankfully, they do not fight "till the end of time" but for (checks back of DVD) 90 MINUTES?! Oh god i cant do this again no please ill do anything
Three: Jack Palance is the biggest name on this movie. His head is obscured by his helmet and John Terry's torso on the poster. That disembodied eye in the upper left of the boxart? Jack Motherfucking Palance is in this movie. Let's go ahead and look at the back, shall we? (Anything to delay the actual movie.) I see somebody found the texturing tool in Photoshop! Anyway, ready for some truly epic storytelling by way of cover copy? Of course not, but I'm gonna transcribe this shit anyway. Brace yourselves. ->Once upon a time, long ago, but perhaps not far away, there were two brothers. Hawk (John Terry) the younger brother was destined for greatness, possessing gifts of strength, honor, duty and courage BW. Voltan (Jack Palance), BW the elder, was a villain capable of great cruelty BW. Hideously deformed BW, Voltan roamed the land under a black mask so none would BW look on his ghastly face BW. When their father is killed by the hand of his firstborn BW, Voltan BW, Hawk swears vengeance. But Hawk soon has more than just his father's death to avenge. Okay, I need a break for a moment. The second (and final) paragraph isn't as long as the first, but it's just as predictable. Girding loins... And... ->The perverse BW Voltan and his son BW Drago have kidnapped the Abbess of Caddonbury BW and are holding her for ransom. It will take BW sword and sorcery BW to bring the evil Voltan to justice. Only the cunning Hawk BW, aided by BW the Giant, the Elf and the Dwarf BW can defeatthe mystical forces of Voltan BW, the "Dark One." Yay! It's over! I'm done now, and I didn't even bleed out my ears or anything! What? Movie? I... there's a movie? I thought it was just that horrible short story. Fine. Fine, I'll put the movie in. Next: The opening credits get their very own update!
edited 18th Nov '10 6:45:45 PM by BlackWolfe
Why does the guy look like Harrison Ford, particularly Han Solo?
Star Wars was fucking huge then.
With trembling fingers, I take Silverado out of the DVD drive, and put in the abomination. The computer monitor looks at me, unblinking, daring me to watch. DVDPlay freezes. I start to smile. It unfreezes. Flashes black, then white, twice, and I begin to think the movie is so bad it killed the computer. Then... A copyright warning. Seriously? I mean, I noticed one on the back of the DVD case, but... if I had the copyright to this movie, the last thing I would do is defend it, because that means I would have to admit owning it. The menu offers "Play Feature, " "Scene Selections, " "Trailer, " and "Photo Gallery." I know I promised to blog the credits, but the trailer has got to come first.
edited 18th Nov '10 8:05:49 PM by BlackWolfe
Pirhana and Night of the Lepus. This movie will not beat you. "Play Feature". No turning back now, the thread's been created and responded to. Title Card: This is a story of Heroic Deeds and the bitter struggle for the triumph of Good over Evil and of a wondrous Sword wielded by a mighty Hero when the Legions of Darkness stalk the land. Someone please tell the Writers that Capitalizing Certain Words is more Pretentious Stupidity than it is a means of Emphasis. Horse in fog. Trees in fog. Somewhere, Akira Kurosawa is weeping. Oh, look, it's Voltan! Hi, Jack! Voltan's father is in the gold-plated Room of Ostentatiousness, meditating-or-something. Voltan quietly dispatches the only guard in the entire castle and just waltzes into the room. Hawk now approaches from the same direction as Voltan. So that entire castle was the residence of their father and one guard. Blather about "the ancient power." Spoiler alert: it's the cheesiest sword in film history. I tried to hunt a video clip of the scene in question, but even YouTube has its limits for silly shit people will upload. I'll have to describe it when it happens shortly. Voltan stabs their father, then casually leaves through one door while Hawk bursts in the other. They spent the entire budget for this movie on Jack Palance and gold spraypaint for this room (and for the hand). Daddy dies, but not before a bit of expogab: Father: The prophecy is fulfilled, my son. The evil I have spawned... will now pollute... the land. Oh, so you made this movie! Okay, I will describe this next scene as clearly as possible, so that you can picture it. Hanging from a protruding bit on the (gold colored) wall is a sword. It is currently the most ridiculous sword in the world, but it is about to become even moreso. Its hilt is gold, and its pommel nut is shaped like a life-sized fist. This is not only awkwardly large compared to the hilt, but stupid looking to boot. Otherwise, the sword is a pretty average replica longsword. At his (dying) father's instruction, Hawk places the sword between them, embedding its blade in the floor while the whole time acting like he's been told to wash the dishes and mow the lawn. He takes a rock out of a leather pouch and stares at it (again, under instruction from a dying man) until it glows bright fucking green, string-levitates out of his hand, and floats over to the sword. The sword is, for one scene, replaced with a grip's hand, spraypainted gold, which opens up. The stone lands in the open hand, which grips the stone. We now have the Sword of Mind mentioned in the trailer. Father: Think... of the Great Sword in your hand... and it will be so. Just. Fucking. Die. Already. Father: The Mind Sword is now yours, my son. I bet he never called Voltan that. He probably turned to evil after his dad started calling him "servant of the Devil" and "Dark One." In any case, Father dies (he's never given a name at all), and Hawk rushes past the
rrrrrrrrrYou're watching this? You poor soul. I've only heard about this. The trailer would instantly make me not want to see it... alone, that is. Maybe at the $1 movie night with a bunch of friends to help heckle it. The effects budget is saddening, and the "plot" is making me wish I weren't so harsh on Wizards.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
Large Ham it makes his scenes almost watchable. His eye does not heal. Even the demon he works for can do nothing for it. I think they're implying here that the demon is torturing him For the Evulz and isn't even trying to heal him, but if so, they're failing at conveying that. Instead, we get magical Lazik surgery. The terrycloth nuns prayers are interrupted by Voltan. Voltan repeatedly refers to the abbess as "Old Woman" despite being almost twice her age. And Artie falls victim to Voltan's throwing dagger. It's a wonder the man carries a sword around at all, he uses the dagger so much. He kidnaps the Abbess. Voltan: Go tell them for 2000 pieces of gold they can buy her freedom! He then demonstrates what will happen if the ransom is not paid: he cuts a loaf of bread in half with his sword. So, if they don't pay the ransom, he'll... cater their next meal? At this point, my roommate walked in and refused to help me pick this movie apart because "it's too easy, I want a challenge." Fucker. Artie advises the Sisterhood of the Towel to pay the ransom, but the Church has decreed that no ransom will ever be paid for anyone of their order. Artie decides to go for help, and is sent to the Holy Fortress to speak to the High Abbott. The Holy Fortress is an obvious, though not bad, matte painting. The High Abbott is vaguely familiar, but refuses to pay because SLIPPERY SLOPE! However, he says there is one who could help, who has helped in the past, and gives Artie a token to give to the person, who we are unsurprised to find is Hawk. We cut to Hawk, riding at a very slow pace through woods filled with fog, stage swamp, and a snake that's probably one of the producer's pets. He hears a scream, and the next scene is so EPIC that it gets its own update! Next: Hawk rescues a woman who could only be brought into this movie blindfolded.
Muahahahahahaha! I've gotten Nick involved after all, by reading him what I have so far! Nick: If the sword was to, you know, instantly appear in his hand...
Me: Yeah, that's what I expected.
Nick: ...that would be awesome, but, y'know... In any case, it's time to rescue the witch from a bunch of people who want to burn her For the Evulz. And Nick's pussied out and is playing Smackdown vs. Raw. Wimp. The Mind Sword leaps into Hawk's hand before one of the thugs even strings his arrow, and Hawk deflects the arrow. The archer flees. Hawk gives the other thug two opportunities to flee, but the man is destined to show off what an awesome fighter Hawk is. People killed by Hawk so far: 1. Nick: "She's a witch! May we burn her?" No, wait, wait, wait, wrong movie. Better movie. The witch tells Hawk about a one handed man who needs his help against Voltan (Artie). Hawk rides through the forest at breakneck pace. The forest is filled with LARP decorations (random skulls, snakes, and fake cobwebs) for no goddamned reason. (My wife: Because it's cool. What other reason do you need? It's metal!) Nick blathers on about The Princess Bride because that's much more entertaining than what's on screen. Meanwhile, Artie's about to get ambushed. He kills one of his attackers, but the other two get the drop on him because Hawk has to rescue everyone in this movie. So while we get slow-motion scenes of Hawk riding his horse, the bandits throw axes at Artie's head trying to see who can get closer without drawing blood. Enter Hawk! Man with Sword of Ridiculous Pommel vs. two men with throwing hatchets:
People killed by Voltan: 1 Hawk introduces himself ot Artie. (Nick: Not once do they call him "Hawk the Slayer.") Artie gives Hawk the token given to him by the High Abbott and the quest has begun! Oh god, I know what's coming next and it hurts. Next: Let's go recruit the rest of the
edited 18th Nov '10 9:43:23 PM by BlackWolfe
Tastes Like Diabetes scene. Voltan walks in on Hawk and his betrothed, and is very angry because obviously Hawk used used his "silver tongue" to turn her against Voltan. She gives Hawk a cross to protect him. This will never be seen again. Suddenly, cartridge fed, rapid-fire crossbow. Artie's crossbow is the only likeable thing in this movie. They must travel through the Forest of Weyr. Or Weir. Or Wyr. Or We're. It's the same damned forest with skulls and cobwebs and shit, only now there's a big
Me: Cobwebs. Obviously cobwebs.
Nick: No, Jack Palance. (notices me writing) Hey, stop! I do not want to be a part of this! The movie screams in pain as Hawk lists off the members of their gaming group: Gort the giant, Crow the elf, and... I don't know. I heard "Baldy" and Nick heard "Balls." Balls is funnier, so Balls it is. Balls is a dwarf. They are all the last of their kind. Of course. Hawk comments that the place they're at was once a green forest of sunlight, and now it's a place of darkness and evil. Thanks to the only light being the Sword of Retardation, it looks pretty damn green to me. But cobwebby. Puppet monsters menace them and almost look creepy until they're shown for more than a split second. They jump-cut out of the green lighted place. Quickly riding past a goth poet, they return to the
edited 18th Nov '10 10:30:40 PM by BlackWolfe
Me: ...then you've probably played with better groups than we have.
Nick: And we envy you. Gort is drinking. Why? Because he's a giant/barbarian. He is wearing the barest nods towards armor: leather bracers and a steel breastplate. He fixes a man's wagon for the price of the beer he just drank and two pennies. The man refuses to pay, and looks suspiciously like an uncredited Colm Meany, so Gort breaks the wagon. There's a dozen people sitting around watching, so this means a fight. Why? Because we have to show off Gort's skills. It's six on one, and Gort has a hammer. Surprisingly, the fight choreography is good, and Gort wins in under two seconds. Then Hawk appears. Witch: Next, the elf.
Nick: Why do I have to do them in this order? Crow is dealing with a smith, who's crafting arrowheads for him. I would say "a fletcher, " but the man only seems to make arrowheads, not the whole arrows. Two con men decide they're going to con the elf out of his money in an archery contest. Nick: Not the elf. I can deal with the giant. But not the elf. Crow doesn't talk much. He pulls back his hood and OH MY GOD THOSE ARE THE UGLIEST EAR PROSTHETICS I'VE EVER SEEN. Crow refuses to respond to insults, and has a very nasal voice to go along with his Spock Speak. Hawk appears just as one of the conmen is about to do something involving a dagger. GOD, Crow's horrible robospeak. The evil con-archer jumpcut fires an arrow at Crow, and the two of them have a showdown. Back to the cave, and it's time to recruit Balls (IMDB says his name is Baldin, but fuck that). Balls is tied to a raft and kindling, and a bunch of monks are firing flame arrows at him as part of a sacrifice to the Sacred Oneness of the Holy Waters of the Lake. Balls is our comic relief. We are in TROUBLE. He wields a whip and eats fish alive. Nick: He doesn't even speak like a proper duughhh Hawk briefs his gaming group on the module they're doing this session. Gort cracks a joke about how he's putting on weight. Balls wangsts about being the last of his kind. Nick: How the fuck did they manage that? Why is there only one giant, one elf, and one dwarf left?
Me: Because the rest wouldn't be in this movie. The witch tells them how they can get the ransom money: ride through yet another forest (it's the same one under another name, obviously) to find the Hunchback (the previously-mentioned slaver) and steal it from him. Remember, Evil Is Ugly. Next: One encounter nets 2000g. I'd call Monty Haul if it didn't exist solely to be used in the next part after that.
edited 18th Nov '10 10:54:53 PM by BlackWolfe
Gort: 6 (none in this scene)
Voltan: 1 The fight is short (about six seconds of jumpcuts) and bloodless. Gort makes up for his sad lapse of bloodshed by setting up a deathtrap that Jigsaw might find amusing: he takes the Hunchback's mace, ties its handle to a rope and pulley over the Hunchback's head, and puts the rope in his mouth. It's implied that the Hunchback is somehow unable to move, but I see no restraints. Also, Hawk gives some of the money to a bunch of slaves wearing nothing but filthy loincloths, and tells them to go back to their villages without providing them with an escort, or weapons, or clothes, or, well, any way of ensuring they even have a chance of doing so successfully. Our heroes. The scene ends with robbery, cold blooded murder, and a horrible, horrible joke. I'm rooting for Voltan even more at this point. He's clearly the least bloodthirsty person in the movie. He then cements his role as my hero by being a Large Ham, threatening his son and left-hand henchman (See, "left-hand, " because he's sinister. Shut up, it's geek humor.) with death, and wangsting to his own kidnap victim about his horrible scarring. We cut to a man nearly getting trampled by a horse being ridden by a fop *. The fop is Drogo, son of Voltan. The man is one of the Hunchback's slaver minions, who comes bearing news of the scene we just saw. Thanks, movie, for reminding me of that horrible "fight" scene. And somehow, Drogo doesn't know who Hawk is. HE IS YOUR UNCLE, RETARD. Also, Drogo ensures silence by killing. More Crystal Power Lasik surgery and it's time to update this thread! Next: Drogo tries to kill Hawk and steal the gold from Hawk, who stole it from the Hunchback, who got it for stealing extras from the casting company.
edited 19th Nov '10 7:35:35 AM by BlackWolfe
rrrrrrrrrThese are supposed to be the heroes? Meanwhile Voltan is crazy, but highly progressive. Think about it. He kills slavers and is engaged in a gay marriage. Admittedly it's with his son, which is both incestuous and highly classist, but that's to be expected. Having a left-hand man instead of a woman, however, is not.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
Card-Carrying Villain schedule to have a son who's apparently about Hawk's age.
rrrrrrrrrHmm... that might make it more manageable then. Maybe neither Voltan nor his "son" are actually the sons of the people they claim are their fathers. Maybe they were adopted, and in Voltan's case it was for political reasons. Maybe the reason he killed his father is because of how much of an absolute jerk both dear Dad and his bloodthirsty golden boy of a son were. He was hoping to keep the family heirloom from falling into the wrong hands. He failed.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
Voltan: 1 So the movie should be called Hawk and the Slayers, but hey, more extras are dead, Drogo's unconscious and being dragged back to Voltan by two of his henchmen, and the plot (such as it is) has stalled again thanks to this pointless attempt at self-promotion on Drogo's part. Crow nasally (really incredibly nasally) drones that the only peace the Abbey would have gotten is "the peace of the dead." Drogo dies in his father's arms, which ties Hawk up with Artie. Voltan, not to be outdone by Balls, orders the two henchmen who brought Drogo back to fight or die (each other, it's presumed, but they choose to try to sneak up on him) and he kills one with his trusty throwing dagger and one with a spear. Why does he even have a sword? Voltan approaches the abbey alone, on horseback. The climax approaches, and that's a horrible thing to call it because it reminds me that this movie is screwing me over with every scene. Voltan: I am making my demands in as HAMMY A MANNER AS POSSIBLEEEEEEEE! Flashback to the death of Hawk's one true excuse for hating his brother. Gort recommends taking the fight to Voltan, so Crow is dispatched to run through the forest in slow motion to retrieve Patricia Quinn. She summons a fog that makes it really hard to keep score. Crow: 25 (and assorted inanimate objects)
Balls: 4 (I'm not sure about what happened at one point, so I'm giving him a kill during the impossible-to-make-out bit)
Voltan: 3 Hawk (the Slayer, who is way behind on his slaying compared to jump-cut boy) bursts into a tent, where he is confronted by Voltan holding the Abbess at knifepoint. Again, why does Voltan carry a sword everywhere? Artie drags Hawk back out to the battle, where Balls confirms my guess by getting two more kills in the same camera angle as the last one, Gort gets one more, and they all run off, victori— wait, no they're not. WHAT THE FUCK? God dammit, Hawk, get back in there and do some SLAYING! The gaming group head back to the inn to recover (and have some Cheetos and Mountain Dew) and you know what? I need a few minutes to recover, too. Next: The conclusion. Dear God, please let it be the conclusion.
edited 19th Nov '10 8:38:51 AM by BlackWolfe
BW like this... many times before. BW Sometimes I tire... of fighting and killing BW. At night, I can hear the call of my race. He's supposed to sound mystical instead of schizophrenic and about to commit suicide. Balls declares that it would take a thousand men to enter the Abbey, which pretty much ruins the climax of the movie, because that means the climax is beyond the movie's budget. Sister Towelonherhead drugs Gort's beer as part of her sinister plan to end this movie as quickly as possible. I approve. Hawk wakes up to Voltan holding a sword at his throat, which is a wasted threat. We all know Voltan never uses his sword to kill. He demonstrates by stabbing Sister Terrycloth with a dagger for her help (still in last place, though). He then confirms Goggle Fox's theory that Drogo was adopted. O_o I'd say "way to go Goggle Fox, " but I think that's actually an insult in this case. Ham ham ham ham ham ham ham ham hammity ham, wonderful ham! Wonderful ham, marvellous ham! Voltan orders a man with a torch to fetch him fire. Nobody moves, presumably because the man already has fire. Voltan gloats, monologues, and taunts the "heroes." Despite being tied up, Balls kicks him in the face. More ham, and then the feast begins, at which I suspect no ham is served because that would be cannibalism. Meanwhile, Voltan runs off for more Crystal Lasik. Patricia Quinn silly strings a man to death. I am not fucking kidding here, take a look:
rrrrrrrrrDammit movie, stop being so utterly stupid that my jokes are right! Also... That silly string scene... D:
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
Goggle Fox you've got me seeking a DVD ripper so I can show you just how much that isn't the worst special effect in the movie. Also as a means of stalling.
rrrrrrrrrShe could have clubbed the guy over the head with the bar she floated out of the door and it would have been more effective and lower budget, and not been ridiculous.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
Balls: 6 (and never going to get any more)
Patricia Quinn: 1 man suffocated with silly string Okay, with Balls dead and buried, it's time to do the same to this movie. And oh God here's the scene, here's the scene!
acting from Jack Palance, who forces Hawk to disarm and... oh, God, he's disrobing too... Oh, wait, just the vest. Hawk attempts to blind Voltan with the crucifix, causing flashbacks, then reveals that it's been a tiny little switchblade all along. It's somehow balanced for throwing, and he cuts Gort free, then takes three fucking seconds levitating the Dumb Sword into his hand while Gort scores two more kills. Cue that .[ awesome scene from the trailer. Jack has no illusions about what kind of movie this is. He throws his handy-dandy dagger, but the Tard Sword effortlessly deflects it, leading into...
Sequel Hooks in rapid succession:
The Final ScoreCrow: 33 (plus helpless clothing items)
Hawk: 15 (but not a scratch in anyone's clothes)
Balls: 6 (not counting himself)
Voltan: 4 - maybe 5 if he killed Crow
Random Henchmen: 2 (including a Terrycloth Nun)
rrrrrrrrr. . . Why does this movie exist? How is it worse than Space Mutiny? HOW.
Sakamoto demands an explanation for this shit.
Total posts: 31
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