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Favorite lines from your own writing:

 926 Psycho Frea X, Mon, 24th Dec '12 11:13:57 AM from Transcended Humanity
Oh yeah I think I also know the perfect BGM to play during the line I posted earlier.
 927 Noaqiyeum, Wed, 26th Dec '12 10:26:33 PM from across the gulf of space Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
the it-thingy
I liked Je ne sais quoi at first sight.
tiinker, Tailor, hunter!!!, wwhaler
d0ct0r, L4WY3R, MUTANT, C)(I-EF
STRONGman, wEAKMAN, JoKeRmAn, Th8ef
 928 JHM, Thu, 27th Dec '12 1:27:54 AM from Neither Here Nor There Relationship Status: I know
Thunder, Perfect Mind
[up] I do, too. It's a very intriguing turn of phrase.
 929 Masterofchaos, Thu, 27th Dec '12 11:09:46 AM Relationship Status: In Lesbians with you
Best idol
>.>

<.<

Um...I guess I'll give this a try. (I always get nervous when I share my work here).

This is from The Chaos (the first book of the series). Chapter four.

Turning to his right, he saw Nick, lying on the opposite bed, sleeping. Getting out of his bed, Adam lightly shook him. The other teen opened his eyes.

“Um…” Adam started, “Can you tell me where I am?”

Nick smiled and sat up. “Why, good morning, buddy! You were out for quite some time! How are you feeling?”

“F-Fine I guess.” Adam answered nervously. “Where am I, exactly?”

“My house, of course!” Nick rubbed Adam’s head, “My mom and I took good care of you. Your brother is here too.” He got out the bed and stretched. “He was really, really worried about you.”

Adam looked down. He remembered running off into the darkness like an idiot, and nearly getting himself killed. He probably had it coming for being so stupid to live. Then again, if he didn't live, how Nathan or his missing parents act?

“Did you…save me from her?” He finally asked.

“It was the right thing to do.” Nick said, before looking at the boy’s face, “Aren't you glad?”

Adam nodded, before looking up. “I am, actually.” He smiled, “I really, really am. I wish there was a way to repay you.”

Nick chuckled, before heading to the door. “None needed.”

Adam blinked in confusion. “Huh?”

“I don’t want a repayment. The fact that you’re alive, and you can return to your brother, is enough of a repayment to me. Come on; I bet mom’s cooking breakfast.”

edited 27th Dec '12 11:10:18 AM by Masterofchaos

Pronounced YAK-you-luss
Noticed a 'He said' in there. Again, you might want to follow the link I posted last page.

Seriously, this seems to be a really common mistake in Internet fiction. No idea why.
Freedom of speech includes the freedom for other people to call you out on your bullshit.
 931 Masterofchaos, Thu, 27th Dec '12 1:22:07 PM Relationship Status: In Lesbians with you
Best idol
[up]

Thanks for the criticism. I needed it.

I'll try to make this one a little better.

Are there any other mistakes I need to look over? -curious-

edited 27th Dec '12 1:25:19 PM by Masterofchaos

Pronounced YAK-you-luss
Well, it could read a little more smoothly. For instance, the semi-repetition of 'Adam nodded, before looking up/Nick chuckled, before heading to the door' sticks out unpleasantly. That sort of flow, though, is something you only really learn from reading more and getting an idea of how professional authors use words.

Also, Nick's cheerfulness seems slightly manic, with all the exclamation marks and terms of endearment. If that's intentional, cool. If it's not, you might want to turn it down a bit.
Freedom of speech includes the freedom for other people to call you out on your bullshit.
 933 Masterofchaos, Thu, 27th Dec '12 2:18:04 PM Relationship Status: In Lesbians with you
Best idol
Ah, okay. Thank you!
 934 porschelemans, Mon, 31st Dec '12 6:33:39 PM from A Giant Hamster Ball Relationship Status: You're a beautiful woman, probably
Avatar Sakaki Ignore cat
As I was walking through the lavatory I realised something, the hand drier was on, but it was not blowing, it was sucking, and as I began to feel myself move towards it, until, pop, it was draging me in, like a smoker might pull on their cigarette. As I disappeared into it I was filled with pure fear, as this was the most horrifying thing that had ever happened to me.

I was being eaten, by a hand drier.
I'm so sorry that my avatar doesn't appear fully in the shot, but the cat was threatening the photographer.
 935 JHM, Tue, 1st Jan '13 8:18:47 AM from Neither Here Nor There Relationship Status: I know
Thunder, Perfect Mind
[up] A funny concept, but your punctuation is frightful.
 936 chihuahua 0, Tue, 1st Jan '13 2:11:03 PM from Standoff, USA Relationship Status: I'm in love with my car
Writer's Welcome Wagon
I agree to. Funny, but maybe you should use short sentences and then cut down on commas.

For example, "I was being eaten by a hand dryer" is correct, as opposed to, "I was being eaten, by a hand drier". *

 937 JHM, Tue, 1st Jan '13 4:36:46 PM from Neither Here Nor There Relationship Status: I know
Thunder, Perfect Mind
[up] That comma actually didn't bother me, seeing as it functions as a kind of dramatic pause, but perhaps an ellipsis would be more appropriate.

"I was being eaten... by a hand dryer."
 938 Eagal, Tue, 1st Jan '13 4:59:22 PM from This is a location. Relationship Status: Waiting for Prince Charming
This is a title.
"I pity Carrowite because his mind is clouded with paranoia and his own madness. He believes that there is some vast conspiracy aligned against him. He turns people by the dozen and sends newborns to their deaths in the light in order to gain information on these people who don't exist. He believes the gift of light was stolen not merely in the metaphorical sense, but that the pleasure was actually taken from him. That if not for these mysterious figures he and all our kind would be able to walk in the light, to turn who we would and rule over all."

The madness is catching.
 939 Noaqiyeum, Tue, 1st Jan '13 5:24:28 PM from across the gulf of space Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
the it-thingy
[up][up][up] I'm pretty sure drier/dryer is regional.
tiinker, Tailor, hunter!!!, wwhaler
d0ct0r, L4WY3R, MUTANT, C)(I-EF
STRONGman, wEAKMAN, JoKeRmAn, Th8ef
 940 Last Hussar, Tue, 1st Jan '13 5:32:18 PM from the place is here.
The time is now,
This is the first time I've actually written this down, so please forgive the rough first version.

"But Jack, how could I ever trust you? You are cheating on your fiancée with me. If we were together, I would know what you're like."
"That's just it, Amy, I don't feel I am. I'm cheating on you with her."
Might change that to 'wife' - not sure yet. Saved in the 'fragments' document.

edited 1st Jan '13 5:35:47 PM by LastHussar

Do the job in front of you.
 941 JHM, Tue, 1st Jan '13 5:35:02 PM from Neither Here Nor There Relationship Status: I know
Thunder, Perfect Mind
[up][up][up] The "don't" feels too informal given how formally you have written the rest of the paragraph, and there should be a comma after "mysterious figures;" furthermore, "paranoia and his own madness" is a redundant statement, given that paranoia is madness. Otherwise, it seems solid.

[up][up] I think that there may be a difference of connotation/denotation, but that could be regional as well. Still, both are valid spellings.

edited 1st Jan '13 5:35:18 PM by JHM

 942 porschelemans, Wed, 2nd Jan '13 7:57:42 AM from A Giant Hamster Ball Relationship Status: You're a beautiful woman, probably
Avatar Sakaki Ignore cat
[up][up][up][up][up][up][up] I was typing that from memory, it looked much better on the original paper. The fact I remembered that at all was amazing considering I was 10 when I wrote it... WOW! I just realised how long it's been since I was ten...
I'm so sorry that my avatar doesn't appear fully in the shot, but the cat was threatening the photographer.
 943 Last Hussar, Thu, 3rd Jan '13 4:24:08 PM from the place is here.
The time is now,
“Don’t touch me. Please. I can smell her on you.”
Do the job in front of you.
 944 Last Hussar, Fri, 4th Jan '13 6:24:42 PM from the place is here.
The time is now,
“Can’t an Adlerian symptomatic bitch take her God complex ex to dinner anymore?"
Do the job in front of you.
 945 Demetrios, Fri, 4th Jan '13 10:22:58 PM from Northbrook, Illinois
One from my short story. Jack's thoughts about my characters lives after World War III:

"Plus we proved that dork Supremus wrong. Darkness and sorrow my foot."
Yoko is the best part of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann
 946 nrjxll, Sat, 5th Jan '13 9:33:17 PM Relationship Status: Not war
You know, sometimes I really don't get people's rationale for what lines they include here.

/notdirectedatanyoneinparticular

 947 peccantis, Sun, 6th Jan '13 8:45:58 AM Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
the flies will find you
[up] Me too. A lot of the lines look like their value is purely in context. Then again I never read things on this topic if they look like more than a few sentences or one long.

People, please remember. Lines. Not paragraphs.

Anyways, a few of my own favs.

(Final Fantasy XII fanfic) —>"What do you want?"

—>He looked up with questioning eyes and seemed to have been surprised by his own thoughts. He was young.

(original story — sorry about the lack of translation... if anyone can suggest anything for the last line the fact might change...) —>"Oot mulle velkaa sen toisen panon." —>"Jaa mistä lähtien? Me sovittiin, että se on kerta ja poikki." —>"Sä et tosissas väitä että se kuppanen hinkkaus oli pano."

(same story) —>I had principles, and those principles included that during work hours I do my job, not Jonah.

edited 6th Jan '13 8:47:12 AM by peccantis

before the darkness arrives
Easily entertained
A bit heavy on the Shout Outs, but since it's from a Pop Cultured Badass, and it's a throwaway line, I'll be keeping anyways: "she thinks she's on the Pandora where she somehow joins with the natives and leads them to fight against an evil mega-corporation, but she's really on the Pandora where stupid people get eaten."

[up][up]I dunno, I just like to prod the beehive every so often when I've got a line I think is clever — but may not be, in which case I usually end up knowing it soon.

edited 6th Jan '13 1:52:22 PM by KillerClowns

 949 Noaqiyeum, Sun, 6th Jan '13 2:34:37 PM from across the gulf of space Relationship Status: Showing feelings of an almost human nature
the it-thingy
I just post lines that were fun to write. Even the ones that will probably be removed in editing, like this one:

Probably Lisa just didn’t like Morgan because Morgan was (apparently) abrasive and unpleasant when she was friendly, and Lisa was abrasive and unpleasant when she was upset. That was surely a source of confusion on some level.
tiinker, Tailor, hunter!!!, wwhaler
d0ct0r, L4WY3R, MUTANT, C)(I-EF
STRONGman, wEAKMAN, JoKeRmAn, Th8ef
 950 Last Hussar, Sun, 6th Jan '13 4:23:48 PM from the place is here.
The time is now,
I'm posting this for all those of us who are wondering where our youth went...

[Gabe is pondering his youth]“It was so much simpler back then, when we were teens. None of this ‘go for a coffee, then lunch, then maybe a movie, then dinner’, trying to work out at what point you are in a relationship, whether to call them dates or not. You just said ‘Do you want to go out with me’ and that was that, yes or no.”

“Or ‘My mate fancies you, will you ask her out?’” chuckled Rich

I miss the late 80's...

edited 6th Jan '13 4:27:13 PM by LastHussar

Do the job in front of you.
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