Part One(If you care little enough about your health to follow along with me, you can do so here.) The film opens with a drawing that probably cost Dingo approximately 90% of their animation budget. A young woman who I'll assume is Pocahontas despite the fact that she looks nothing like she does in the movie proper sits on the ground and holds her shriveled hand out to a small woodland creature who is certainly not ripped off from Chip and Dale. Some generic tribal music plays and we cut to a crappy watercolor drawing of the Great Plains. PASS of a random buffalo herd. PASS of Dingo's Bambi expy hinting at how this movie may have been made by sniffing at a suspicious looking mushroom. PHS (Pointless Human Shot) of some random guy canoeing through a stream. PASS of a crime against nature with the body of a raccoon and a gray traffic cone for a tail hopping through the grass. The movie cuts back to the crappy watercolor picture and begins zooming in for no good reason. PASS of... wait, no, it looks like the movie is actually going to start now. We see Pocahontas riding a horse through the woods... I think. Her body moves so independently of it that I'm honestly unsure whether she's riding the thing or simply levitating over a background that happens to have a horse. PASS of a random teal feathered bird following Pocahontas. Nearly two minutes into the film, we finally hear something other than the horribly monotonous background music as Pocahontas stops suddenly to say "Come on you two, let's go." Weren't they following you until you stopped? She looks directly at the raccoon who is standing out in the open with nothing concealing his appearance whatsoever and says "Hi Waboo, where are you? Why are you hiding?" I'm beginning to wonder why this girl was allowed to leave the village on her own. He responds by saying "Coming Poca. just a minute!" Poca? The bird, whose hovering animation is giving me motion sickness, says "You always have to wait for him! Either he's eating. Or he's up to nonsense. You should choose your friends better Pocahontas. You know." If you're wondering about my punctuation, it's because the VAs say their lines like they're reading the viewer a telegram. I'm seriously half-expecting the bird to start saying "stop" between sentences. Pocahontas retorts with "Oh, Pierie (I'm going out on a limb with the spelling), it's enough with you out for me. The two of you. Really are too much." Pierie is now sitting on what is either a branch jutting out from nowhere or a random piece of rope, and says "Just laugh! You will see one day. Waboo will get. Into TROUBLE!" Unwilling to listen to any more of the bird's crap (seriously, what did he even do, anyway?), Waboo begins hopping away like some sort of mutant kangaroo. The little spat having apparently come to an end, Waboo asks what their plans are for the day, and suggests catching buffalo(?), catching horses(??) or catching fish. I'm guessing that he realized at the last minute that only the last of the three is even remotely possible, because that's the one he decides to go with. A random bear appears and begins complaining about people stealing his fish. Because that's totally what a bear would do if it thought you were stealing something from it. The group seemingly abandons their fish catching venture, because we immediately cut to a shot of them standing around in a different part of the woods. Waboo makes an odd purring sounds as he eats a leaf. Because scolding Waboo for no reason is presumably some sort of pastime among the group, Pocahontas berates him for "pulling up every plant," in which case "every plant" is referring to a couple of leaves. She continues to lecture him on proper plant-eating etiquette, telling him that you should "look at it, and then decide if you really want to eat it." She also wants him to know that he shouldn't pull them up by their roots, to which he responds by making a constipated face and grunting "I don't do thaaaat." The exchange that follows makes so little sense that it warrants the creation of an entire new paragraph. We see some leaves blowing about and the wind, and if you turn the volume on your speakers way up you can kind of hear a cheesy wind sounds effect in the background. Pocahontas tells Waboo to listen, because even the wind is arguing with him now. Waboo thoughtfully says "Huuuuuuunnnnhhhh... I don't hear anything." in an extremely wistful voice. You have to hand it to him, he really gave it his all. "I give up." Pocahontas giggles. "You are, and remain, a glutton." "He. Must listen to his soul. And go on a diet." says the bird in her typical telegraph reading voice. Suddenly, Waboo decides that he actually did hear the wind, which is more than most of the viewers can say. Pierie abandons her usual cynical skepticism and exclaims "Tell me!" while sporting a very ridiculous smile. Waboo, who has apparently gotten used to tuning her out by this point, mumbles "Aaaaanyway.... hmmm.... yeah...." This is taken by his friends as an indication that whatever he heard was a miracle. And that's all I can take for now. Join me tomorrow when I attempt to tackle the second half of part one!
edited 1st Oct '10 7:41:24 PM by randomtropeloser
edited 1st Oct '10 4:13:24 PM by melloncollie
edited 1st Oct '10 5:24:15 PM by gentlemanorcus
edited 2nd Oct '10 6:41:56 AM by Ronka87
edited 6th Oct '10 12:01:49 PM by FreezairForALimitedTime
Part TwoSo yeah, we open to Waboo going "Mmmmmm ah, aaaaanywaaay." (Unless my attempt at linking you to the part I'm at failed, in which case I'm starting at the 3:33 mark. Sorry!) I, like the male VA, can't really think of anything to say. Did they even bother to script this movie, or did they just give the voice actors a general idea of what to say? Pocahontas and the bird tell Waboo that whatever he heard must have been a miracle to shut him up, and are off... again. Waboo announces his intent to go fishing, and the random bear from before appears to shake his head. Dingo's jaunty music makes a two-second cameo as the characters ride off to go fishing. We never get to see their exciting fishing trip, however, because we immediately cut to a fat guy with no arms and a little kid with a spear standing over a rug. "That's what I call a good catch Little Feather." the obese man says. We cut to two horribly disfigured hyenas. In the Great Plains of North America. Yeah... They complain in their ear gratingly high-pitched voices that, because the tribe has been killing animals, there is nothing left for them to eat, and because none of the tribes are currently at war, they're going to starve. I guess that's why they migrated to North America from Africa, because I can imagine the exact same circumstances being a factor there. Come to think of it, I can imagine the same circumstances pretty much anywhere else in the world, but the hyenas there manage to get along just fine. Probably because they're freaking hyenas. After they decide that there it certainly no way that they'll get any part of the bear, one of the hyenas suddenly exclaims "I look forward to the bear BACON!" What. A trio of vultures suddenly join the conversation to tell the hyenas that "The reEeEaAaAson iIIiis the pEeeAAce Pipe." Either this is the most convincing voice acting ever done in a Dingo film, or the male VA is completely wasted. He says that the vultures and hyenas should do things "toogetheeeeer noooow." Trying to type out his speech patterns is almost as painful as hearing it. The hyena disagrees, because he/she learned never to trust a vulture from his/her "grreat grrrreat grrreat grrreat grandfather!" If you're going to have a character bring up a random relative, you should at least have it be one who could feasibly still be alive. The vulture tries to explain that stealing the peace pipe will prevent the tribes from having peace... somehow. Or, in his own words, "No peace pipe, no peace!" I don't even want to know what kind of logic this movie is operating on, but that may be the best slogan I've ever heard. Without even trying to debate with the vulture, the hyena simply says "I don't see it that way." For an abomination against logic, that may be the most logical thing I've seen the hyena do. We cut to a random shot of Pocahontas riding a horse which lasts for about five seconds. The bird, whose name is now Perie (I guess) is scolding Waboo for almost making Pocahontas fall into the water. Perie sits on the random branch/rope/whatever from before, which I've now theorized is being stored in hammer space for whenever she needs it. She says that the chief "expressly told me to watch his daughteeeerrrrrrr hmmmmmm?" What?! I can't tell is this line was delivered like this because of poor translation or if it's because the female VA has... problems. It's already bad enough that we have a voice actor who walked into the studio drunk, but now this? It's almost as if the VA's are trying to do a terrible job as revenge for putting them in this movie. Waboo begins his typical rambling which, as usual, fits into the movie less like actual dialogue and more like somebody with brain damage doing a commentary. Come to think of it, that description may be the reason why I'm feeling an odd sense of kinship with Waboo right now. He says that, and I quote, "I don't know I reeeeaaaalllly don't know. This is weeeeiiiird. I think that this bear might be a relative of MINE!" I'm sorry, I can't even think of anything to say about this. To even try to explain how little sense that line made would take an entire other review. We cut to Little Feather's head rapidly bobbing up and down, which I take it to mean that he is giggling hysterically at the idea he has murdered a member of Waboo's family. Waboo taps his foot in mild annoyance. The Chief drunkly says "Little feather has killed his first bear. From nooooooooow on, he will belong to the circle of warriors and hunters." Pocahontas, who had moments ago seemed distraught over the bear's death, smiles warmly at this. "Aaaas of today, your name will be Quickspear." the Chief tells Little Feather/Quickspear. He invites Quickspear to smoke the "peace pipe" and Waboo wishes for him to get ill "As punishment for killing a relative of mine. Yeah." As Waboo predicted, Quickspear begins coughing, which proves so hilarious that it gives Waboo an epileptic seizure. "He will learn it in time." says the Chief, to which Pocahontas responds by open-mouthed grinning as if she's as brain-damaged as the male VA. The screen fades to black, and we see that dialogue "Meanwhile, in the harbor of London" appear in several different languages. After Infernal Monkey specifically chose English as the game's language. We're treated to about half a minute of pointless shots, which last about ten seconds each. Keep in mind that this movie probably has less padding than the average Dingo picture. A random fat guy yells "All hands on deck! Hoist the sails, and hurry up!" We see an extremely old man standing next to a five year old kid saying "Look at England for the last time my son." Son? I know men weren't supposed to have children until they were pretty old in those times, but really. "We'll never come back, poverty will be over now forever." he says. We cut to two men talking about how they would apparently have been in legal trouble had they stayed. When I say "men," keep in mind that one of them is actually the female VA doing her Uncle Ugh impression from Dinosaur Adventure. They start blabbering on about what they're going to do in America, and finish the conversation with "You just have to bend over and the gold sticks to your hands. Heheheheheheheh." The weird "laughing" animation we see in every Dingo picture happens, and their heads start rapidly vibrating. The latter continues until well after a random child wearing modern clothes appears on deck with a broom. "You call that clean?! Didn't I tell you that a hundred times?! I want that deck as clean as the throneroom of Queen Victoria!!" Since every comment on the video addresses the problems with this piece of dialogue, I thankfully won't have to bother. "Go on, do it a second time!" the fat guy finishes. The child responds by speeding up his crappy sweeping animation. A random cat appears and laughs at this era's lack of child labor laws. "Yes, yes, princes you are the best of aaaaaallllllll." the man remarks as creepily as possible. He follows it up by saying "WHAT A BLOODY DUMP THIS PLACE IS, HASN'T ANYONE THOUGHt TO BRING ME SOMETHING TO DRINK!" "A drink. That is what I need" says the cat. We get to watch the cat walk away for about five seconds as she goes to get a drink. "Hey soldier, bring me a glass of fresh milk, immediately please." she says to this movie's John Smith expy. Being the gentleman that he is, he immediately responds with "Shut up little cat! We're here to protect the settlers and fight against the wild Indians in the new land, but not to wait on badly trained cats. Begone." The cat gets annoyed and walks away. We immediately cut to... Holy crap, those are the second most racist caricatures in a Phoenix game I've ever seen. We see a morbidly obese Italian man who has his arm placed around a tiny, squinty-eyed Chinese man in an... -ahem- interesting fashion. The Italian man says "One-a-day I'mma gonna kill-a this cat and serve him to Mr. Crenchbone for lunch." Harsh! Okay, that's the end of part one. -dies-
edited 20th Oct '10 6:24:30 PM by randomtropeloser
edited 16th Oct '10 12:25:30 PM by randomtropeloser
Hand out the arms and ammo,
We're gonna blast our way through here!
Part 3Watch along here. We open with... oh boy. This will be... fun. The tiny offensive Chinese stereotype is voiced by Janet, and she seems to be going for an Italian accent. Did she accidentally think she was voicing the cook? Really, considering this is Dingo, I wouldn't be surprised. And... what's with his head? He's bobbing it back and forth like he thinks he's one of the Roxbury Guys or something. Also, why is a Chinese man on here!? This is a British ship! And... is that... is that an electric stove!? The fuck!? It hasn't been five seconds and I already can't believe what I'm watching! "That would serve him right. The old. Tyrant." I have no idea what the cook says back. This scene is pretty pointless; the most it does is establish people don't like the captain, but why not do this witch more important characters? "Then he will get only get food three times heated. Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee..." Her voice starts to falter at the end and immediately cuts to the captain's voice. It's really funny, and I can't say why. The captain says some gibberish, and... Oh no... Oh god no... Are they... singing!? Yes, folks, in case you didn't think Dingo was horrible enough, this movie has songs! Yes, songs! Sung by two VAs who can barely enunciate and put weird pauses in their sentences! Isn't that fun!? Isn't that fun! One of the worst things about this "song" is that you can clearly hear the original Dutch singing in the background! Were they even trying...?! Wait, it's Dingo, nevermind. "Loosen the lines we're sailing a-way, to Ameri, meri, ca!" It's clear neither VAs have any experience singing and barely read the sheet music for this. They're about on the level of your 6th grade choir class. "Always westwards with the wind, to America, to America! We are men and we are free! To Ameri, meri, ca! America, America..." We get a random shot of a parrot (just go with it) trying to close his ears as a seagull flaps his lips, reflecting my opinion on this "song" perfectly. "... we are forging our luck!" One VA holds out the note longer than the other. "To England, to England..." OH MY GOD LEVITATING DOLPHINS "...nobody comes back!" Except Brad doesn't say this. He says "nobody comes... um... back!" Quite audibly, in fact. Nevermind, your sixth grade choir class was way better than these VAs. The little boy says he sees seagulls, and Old Man agrees with him. He randomly changes the conversation to two drunken deck hands. "I've had enough, you're all drunk!" shouts John Rolfe wannabe. He seems to be dressed in Civil War garb for some reason. "Let's play poker or some other game!" "I think you wanna fight, eh?" asks Drunk #1. This scene is pointless, by the way. My god, filler in a Dingo movie, I'm so surprised. A watch out says land is in sight, and more pointless things are said as the ship sails toward the island. I can barely contain my excitement. We see some generic shots of animals as we cut back to the island. Pocahontas shoots at a brightly colored target even though I doubt Indians could make colors this bright considering they didn't have dyes back then but whatever and her father compliments her on her good shooting. Or something. When she walks, she doesn't seem to have a quiver, so I assume she pulled it out of her rectum or something. Waboo runs to "Poca" in that incredibly weird way of his, giggling like a child molester. "Hee hee hee hee hee I've never seen anything like it! Come on Poca! Come on, you!" I think he was telling Poca a second time to come along, or is the chief's name "Yu" or something? "You've just got to see this!" "Waboo, you are, a nuisance." My god, Janet is so bad. Waboo rants about the ship and how they must all be sick considering they're pale. Janet gives another unconvincing laugh. The chief tells Waboo to say what he's seen from the beginning! Not again! I don't want to listen to "they must be sick" shit again! Waboo explains... again... even though you'd have to be a total moron to not realize these are the English settlers coming. "Pale men... that does not sound very good..." the chief says with that same stoned look on his face. "There has never been any report whatsoever that a white man entered our country with peaceful intent." Oh my god, this is so boring. "Father, you always look at the dark side of a situation," Poca says. Of course he does! He's the chief! He has to look on the dark side of things! "And your brain, my dear daughter, has been clouded by a good heart." I agree with the first part. He gets angry and... look! His right arm is back! Hooray! "I tell you. The white man will take position of our country and will destroy it." Note he puts no inflection or anger into his voice. Words cannot express the rage I feel that Dingo messed up "possession" with "position." I think I'll just sit here silently. ... So he says there will be war with them. Whoah, chiefy, a bit quick to judge there, huh? "I understand that you are worried, however, we don't know anything about the intentions of these white people. We only know what is reported about them." "Exactly!" Waboo shouts. The chief sends Quickspear to spy on the white man. Not gonna tell them about those firearms, dick? Waboo says it might be dangerous and that these men are simply sick. Is this whole "they're sick" gag supposed to be funny or something? "He will never understand!" Bitch Bird says. Her voice is like nails scratching on a chalk board. My god, this was bad. And this was only half the movie. I'm going to sit in silence for a little while. ... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
edited 21st Oct '10 1:32:23 PM by gentlemanorcus
Hand out the arms and ammo,
We're gonna blast our way through here!
edited 21st Oct '10 3:43:16 PM by gentlemanorcus
Part 4Sorry for the delay, I'm a douchebag. Okay, so bad animation of Indians rowing, Dingo norm, a random shoT of the ship, and the Indians watch the settlers who are dressed like they're in a Wild West movie for some reason. He sets himself up as the stereotypical asshole, saying he's the boss and 60% of all the profits go to him (as the drunkards who have no point say barely decipherable gibberish in the background). When he asks if anyone has any questions, he pulls a ...gun? Wow, no wonder people hate him. He's a fucking psycho. Even more "he's an asshole" development takes place as he says not to negotiate with the Indians. We have a random cut of the soldiers dressed up like they're in the Civil War for some reason. "When they show up in your sight, shoot! For dead Indians you get five dollars!" Dollars? POUNDS GODDAMMIT Quickspear sets himself up as a hot blooded moron by saying they should attack. He's voiced by the female VA, by the way, but it happens so much in these horrible films I barely noticed it. His smarter Indian friend scolds him for that moronic notion. The captain talks about getting food, making a saloon for some reason, the Italian guy says indecipherable things... god dammit, there's nothing to even joke about... Ah, finally! The captain vaguely tells them to "get to work." The soldiers, with nothing else to do except stand awkwardly, go into the forest for some reason. WARNING: THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST YET MOST UNSETTLING THINGS EVER PUT INTO A DINGO ANIMATION Our Civil War veterans march into the forest, where they see... Bambi! Hi, Bambi! Your lovable demeanor brings me back to better movies and makes me forget the fact Dingo copied you! Let's... THUMPER! Ah, man, buddy, where you been, my best Disney friends, you've saved me from Dingo's shitty- -bang- BAMBI NO The Indians' face goes :0. Run, Thumper, run! He has the same smile on his face even as he runs, showing either Dingo was too lazy to draw a frowny face or Thumper has some messed up psychological issues. Guess which one it is. -bang- Dingo just had the balls to kill off two beloved Disney characters in the span of 8 seconds! So the Indians teleport into their canoe and awkwardly row away as SCARY OFFKEY MUSIC plays. An abrupt scene change brings us back to the tribe. "Have you heard that chief?" Pocahontas says. She says it like she's asking if he heard the chief rather than asking the chief if he heard it. Waboo is annoying as usual. The chief, with that usual mellow look on his face, asks what's wrong. "The white man has wicked magic!" Quickspear says. I thought we decided the term was "pale faces?" "They point sticks at the game, there's a horrible bang, and the animals fall down dead!" The chief explains they're firearms, even though he shouldn't know this unless he had some kind of interactions with the "pale faces," which we've already established he probably hasn't. He says "they can also kill people." What, spears can't kill people? They're less effective, but they're still deadly. Waboo makes another classic :0 face as his VA listlessly says "ahhhhhhhhh" with barely any emotion. The smart Indian explains they've put a price on their heads, and Quickspear says they should attack. The chief seems oddly unfazed by all this. I know! He's in a conspiracy with the white man to sell out his tribe! That's why he's unfazed by all this! Only Dingo knows the true Pocahontas story! So Poca says the obvious, bloodshed will come if they fight, and AH GOD DAMMIT What the hell is it with this movie and random loud noises! So after the hyenas say indecipherable dialogue, the chief, now angry all of a sudden (we know the truth, chief!) says they should all have a meeting to advise each other. Does this guy have a name yet? No, of course not. And he'll never get one. I leave it up to more clever people to come up with a good name. Because I'm an asshole. "Meanwhile, we will just waaatttch... the white people." The hyenas who are here and not in Pride Rock say that they will "smoke the peace pipe" with the white people. Do these character have a point? No, of course not. The vultures, who are also here for some reason and have even less of a point, says they must stay alert. Oh my god, is this over yet? Jaunty Music plays as Poca walks incredibly slowly, carrying flowers or something, and Waboo, with his constipation face, wonders where she's going. Bitch Bird says she's probably going to see the white people and that they need to follow her. EVERY SECOND FEELS LIKE AN HOUR Suddenly Pocahontas is riding a horse. Bitch Bird and Waboo, jumping in that distinctly unsettling way of his, follow her. We cut back to the colony, and... why does it look like a wild west town? Those aren't log cabins, dammit! Asshole and Civil War Veterans walk by as... something makes a... sound... I don't want to even know what that is. Two dogs, reccuring Dingo characters, bark randomly. We cut away as Waboo says in his inherent child molester voice, "Mmmmmmm... interesting, isn't it?" OH MY GOD I'M DONE PRAISE... ANYTHING
edited 31st Oct '10 2:03:23 PM by gentlemanorcus