I have a character I need ripped apart

Hello, tropers! I'm part of a project on /tr/ creating a collaborative fan region in the Pokemon universe. My character for it is here: http://trleague.wikia.com/wiki/Curtis_DeLoye

I'd like to make him as airtight as possible, and I'm having a bit of trouble finding people to critique him. Anyone want to help a lurker out?

El bumpo

aww I got excited, I Thought You Meant something else.

OK, I'll have a go at this. Keep in mind you said ripped apart, so this might be a bit harsh.

Firstly, where is Centria? I've never heard of it, and man is it a bland name for a town. Also, I suppose I should ask whether this is game, anime, or manga canon. I understand that they're somewhat different, though I'm really only versed in game canon.

Anyways, I see 10 years old is too young, and immediately I think of this. Also, not enough money to support him? Last I checked, you make money off battles. I suppose not everyone is a trainer, but it does seem that everyone who wants to be one just goes out and does it.

Then he gets a Pokemon, and then a job, and then I'm already bored. Personally, I'd give something a little less mediocre than Sandshrew as a gift, but that's just me. Some random Darker and Edgier stuff, though I suppose Pokemon death is canon. Also, the company name is Solaris, which is the kind of name you give a company that's evil and using Solrock to take over the world or something. So, finally, he gets going, though apparently it's only going to last 2 months so I'm not sure why I care.

So, Wattsburg (who is coming up with these names?). And speaking of names, why is naming Slowpoke so important? Most trainers seem content with just using the species name. Also, Hippocampus is over the 10 character limit (yeah...I know.

Training Sandshrew is a good idea. However, training it against Magnemite is not. Magnemite have Sonicboom, which at this level is quite dangerous. Sandshrew, meanwhile, learns nothing which can significantly damage Magnemite. At all. So if he's beating them, that means Sandshrew probably has been taught Dig. Which brings us to the Gym Leader, who will be utterly destroyed by a Dig-using Sandslash. I suppose if she's using Flash Cannon, she should be able to do good damage back, but the battle will be anything but long.

So, having failed once, he gives up. An excellent role model, our protagonist. The other characters berate him for this, apparently channeling the audience. For someone who always wanted to be a trainer, he's certainly doing a great job of not being one. Oh, and the company is evil and using Solrock to take over the world or something. Shocking.

Personality has social phobia, otherwise not particularly notable. Social phobia actually seems surprisingly common in OCs such as this. I wonder why.

I'm also not sure how one adjusts a NU team to replace Sandslash with Mightyena. Sandslash is an invaluable physical tank and rapid spinner. Mightyena is a poor choice for a sweeper even in NU. Not to mention it would have poor I Vs if not bred for them. Also, it means Sandshrew would pretty much be guaranteed of coming with Swords Dance, Earthquake, and probably Night Slash, so as to not waste T Ms. Which means Tessla should be getting her ass kicked even harder.

Well, that was longer than I expected. Fun to write, though. It's probably not as bad as I made it out, but Accentuate the Negative and all.

^^ Well, it might be a bit more literal now. Just with words instead of gibs.

^ Finally. The only criticism I've got over there is for dialogue in the backstory.

Centria is the capital of the Tatsu region, which is collaborative and based on Hong Kong. It's in game canon, as far as I know. Yeah, the name's bland. I'll take it up with the others.

As for being too poor to start early, well, I obviously didn't think it through. The idea in my head was that they couldn't afford to give him that jumpstart - the 3000 or so you start with in the games, for example. Who knows what would happen if he had bad luck fighting other trainers and ended up broke in a strange city? I know other fics have the pokemon centers offer free room and board, but I'm not sure if that's canon in this universe. I didn't think of the younger trainers beating the crap out of him either. I'll have to read the rest of what you linked.

That's my problem. Before this I've only really rp'd, and I'm not really good with the fic mindset. I'm having trouble not making what I write interesting. At least My Immortal is fun to read. The Slowpoke thing is just something he feels strongly about. The gym battle was going to be elaborated upon in a fic somewhere, it pretty much went Bismarck beats down magnemite > repeats on Voltorb but gets a selfdestruct to the face > Flaffy effortlessly takes down Hippocampus.

He's really not supposed to be a role model. He was going to be a villain, eventually. That probably isn't going to happen.

Then technicalities, technicalities everywhere. If I decide to keep him that will just take a few minor tweaks.

Hnng, I got lazy on the personality. That has to go.

As for egg moves... I forgot.

Well, I have a lot more to work on than I thought I would. Thanks, 911.

edited 21st Oct '10 8:12:26 AM by DeLoye

Something most people forget to think about is the fact that Pokemon was made in Japan, and their currency reflects that. So that 3000 you say they can't afford to pay? His family better be really poor, because that's the equivalent of about 37 dollars. (Lemonade in the Pokemon world costs 350, just for reference.)

Just something to think about, I guess.

/bashes face into wall

I need an editor.

edited 22nd Oct '10 1:15:31 PM by DeLoye