Greetings, mortals. The slaves at Codemasters and Triumph Studios were...fortunate enough to create a...what is it you people call it..."video game" detailing my rise to power. They call this tale Overlord: Raising Hell. I am told a woman who goes by the name of Rhianna Pratchett is the one mainly responsible for writing my epic story. I should remember not to kill her the next time I decide to plunder and pillage.

What? My name? I need no name. I am simply the Overlord, and that is all you need to know. But enough talk! The time has come to recount the events that led to my conquest.

First Order: The Awakening

Every man's tale must begin somewhere. It just so happened that mine began while I was sleeping. I am awakened from my slumber by a small pack of goblins. Their names are not important, for they are likely to die in droves anyway. The oldest one calls himself Gnarl. I did not ask for his name, but he gave it to me anyway...and now he expects me to follow him.

We arrive in a chamber, which includes a glowing pit with a number hovering above it. Gnarl says that I can summon minions from it. I will need as much help as I can to take over this miserable kingdom. I hold my hand out, and three brown goblins leap out and come to me. They are all carrying clubs made of wood, but I am not sure they are aware that they can use them. We shall put them to the test to see if they are worthy, and if not, I can always spawn replacements.

Gnarl: "I can hear the land quaking with fear already."

This foolish goblin that stands before me is wearing a jester's cap. He appears to not have any sense of self-respect or self-loathing. A few swats with my axe shall put him in his place.

Gnarl: "Evil is not something you just forget."

The jester is quite elusive, for a fool. Perhaps I should keep an eye on him so that my mighty axe does not lose sight of him as his blood spills.

Jester: "Come on, princess! You move like a dead badger! Shame you don't smell as good..."

The coward has crossed over a marble pillar and removed himself from reach of my righteously wicked smitings. I hold my hand out again and send the goblins to silence this fool. Their strokes are a little wild, but the jester seems to be genuinely scared of them. Gnarl wants me to call them back, but then he orders me to use a technique called "sweeping", to help my minions attack targets from long distances. Which one is it, you old fool? Keep them here or send them out? Choose one and stick with it!

The jester is running scared, but refuses to stow his tongue. If only I were a few meters closer, I would rip it out of his scrawny little body. Another charge from my goblins later, and the jester admits defeat. But enough of this nonsense. It is time for me to return to my throne. Having fallen asleep for so many years has made me forget what it is like to sit down.

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Second Order: The Heart of Darkness

We return to my throne room. The cold stone of this decrepit tower is sterile...uninviting...just the way I like it. There still seems to be something missing, though. When was the last time some dim-witted hero came in to challenge me to a so-called "final duel". The last ruler of this tower met a grisly end at the hands of some fool trying to make a name for themselves. Bastards also destroyed most of the walls in this place. Does that sound like something a true "champion of justice" would do? I do not think so.

Gnarl directs my attention to a pool of grimy water. He calls it the Tower Portal, but all I see is a pool of grimy water. He says that the portal is missing the Tower Heart, but there is enough dark essence left over to transport me to its last known location. Surely, if I were to recapture this so-called "Tower Heart", I could jump to any point in the kingdom I wanted. What better way to strike fear into the hearts of men, women and children everywhere but by randomly appearing when they least expect it? It's a brilliant plan! Glad I Thought of It.

What? You want to come along too, jester goblin? Don't think I haven't forgotten about that "princess" remark you made earlier. Go juggle some apples and get out of my sight!

Blech. What was Gnarl thinking? The sight of all of these bright colors and smell of fresh air...disgusting. At least I can summon my goblin minions to take control of this wretched place. There are only brown goblins in my army of darkness, but surely there must be other tribes lurking about. The ones I have right now are looking very gaunt. Those sheep behind the gate seem to have an abundance of life force that they are not using. The grunts will take care of them for me. I shall need more of them to move this pillar out of my way, though.

Gnarl: "All they do is chew grass until something kills them!...Stupid useless creatures."

Despite all of the life essence I have obtained from these sheep, the most I can command at the moment is five brown goblins. This should be enough for me to get past this pillar.

Man Dressed as Scarecrow: "Halflings took over my farm! They tied me up in the sun, to scare the birds! Now, those pumpkins are plotting against poor Bob. They want revenge for all the pies I made, and the soup, and the jelly, and the, er...ice cream. I hear the pumpkins whispering at night. But I won't leave my farm to the Halflings. Oh, no! They're worse than the pumpkins. Please help me get Bob's farm back!"

What an idiot. It is obvious that he tied himself up to get some attention. As punishment, I will destroy this pumpkin patch and everything else on this farm. If this fool is still tied up as a scarecrow when I'm done, I shall rid myself of him, as well. Perhaps I will aid my minions in the destruction of this farm. A good overlord needs to be proactive, you know.

What was this idiot scared about? There was only one halfling on this farm, and not a particularly strong one. I could have killed it by breathing on it.

The path beyond the ruins of this farm lie the village of Spree. Ugh...just the name alone makes me cringe. "Bloodfist Gulch"..now there's a name with character.

Those pumpkin helmets are a nice touch. A little crude, but at least their soft noggins will be somewhat safe from Halfling attacks.

It looks like our Tower Heart was hiding in this pumpkin patch. Those Halflings must have tried to use this orb to grow food, not knowing of its true power. Let us show them a thing or two about stealing the Overlord's trinkets, and then we will return to the tower with our quarry.

Gnarl: "Your minions will bring it back for you. Being an Overlord means never having to carry anything heavy."

All we have to do is return it to this gate, and it will magically be transported back to the tower. Ah, the wonders of magical technology...

edited 11th Jun '10 1:35:43 PM by WillyFourEyes

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Excellent liveblog so far.

Locking you up on radar since '09

Third Order: The Crane, Boss! The Crane!

The Tower Heart has been restored to its rightful place...in my hands, where it should have been all along! It has bestowed upon me the ability to control more minions, and to channel fireballs, like a good overlord should.

However, there is still too much debris in this place. How does one expect to take over the world when there is hardly room to move around in one's own tower? It is too much for the goblins to move around...ah, yes. A crane will help speed things along. I shall head back to the domain of those halfwit halflings and steal it back from them.

They call this place "Mellow Hills". How quaint....and disgusting. Huh? Where is that infernal ringing in my head coming from? Oh, it's just you, Gnarl. Stop shouting! I can hear you just fine. Where did you get that microphone, anyway? Whatever. It is time to march onward, toward the soon-to-be-doomed village of Spree. Goblins! Come forth!

At least that idiot scarecrow pumpkin farmer is not here this time, saving me the trouble of killing him. This pillar is the only thing blocking our way to the village. This time, I have enough manpower to move it out of the way so that we can proceed. There are two watchmen up ahead, foolishly deciding whether or not to shoot.

Watchman 1: Could be two halflings holding up some armor...

Idiot! Can you not tell the difference between a halfling and a...erm...uh... line?

Watchman 2: Prove you aren't halflings and free my friends down the road!

Not you, you oaf! Why would you ask a man behind a dark helmet that you have never seen before to rescue your friends, anyway? Oh, forget it.

The halflings are hiding in a wheat field over yonder. They will think twice about messing with an Overlord equipped with a fireball spell. Even after they see this happen, they still send more. No matter...the flesh of ten burns just as quickly as the flesh of four. Hahahahaha! Look at the little bastards squirm and scream in pain!

Now, I could fulfill those watchmen's request and clean up the slave camp...or I could just mindlessly slaughter them and bask in the glow of dark energy, opening the way to newer and more awesome powers! Paid in gold, or paid in blood? Decisions, decisions...

There is an arcane blood pit nearby that I can use to restore my health by sacrificing my minions. They have not much to live for, but I must not do that yet. I must first figure out what transpires at this "work camp".

More halflings have come out, and they have brought rocks with them? What a waste. Those who cannot fight face-to-face must be purged.

The Crane must be behind this gate. Those halfbreeds should know better than to leave a turnstile outside in order to keep your enemies out...

edited 14th Jun '10 12:59:16 PM by WillyFourEyes

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Oh no! The forces of good and justice are being attacked by the evil Overlord!

Go forth brave Halflings! Only you can stop this dark menace!

edited 14th Jun '10 2:58:43 PM by daltar

If I'm sure of something it's that I'm not sure of anything.

Fourth Order: The Slave Camp

I have arrived at the halfling slave camp. This sounds like something right up my alley. Too bad these freaks have beaten me to it.

Slave: Thank you lord. You should know that the camp up ahead is defended by rock-throwers. Better find a way to surprise them!

Bah! Who needs the element of surprise when you have strength in numbers? The only thing surprising is that these halflings are able to tie their own boot-laces.

The halfling rock throwers have been made aware of our presence. This will not do. They must be taken care of immediately, no matter the cost.

Slave 2: There are more prisoners over there, but they've got a big ol' Troll guardin' em!

Silence, human! I will be the one to give the orders around here! You let yourselves get captured by creatures half your size! You should pray to whatever gods you believe in and thank them that I even showed up at all!

Gnarl: No sense in dying when there are others willing to do it for you. Fear and awe can be valuable commodities, Sire.

What should I care whether they survive or not? If the humans want me to release them, then let them deal with the troll. Being the natural cowards that they are, they choose to hang back and let me do all of the work.

The halflings have released the large, stinky oaf from its cage. It seems that those thick layers of fat allow it to absorb heat somehow. Such a shame...I wanted so much to roast it alive. Minions! Go do what you do best and die for your Overlord! Failing that, make that Fat Bastard die for its lord!

(a few minutes later, the troll is killed by the Overlord and his minions)

What a pity...all of that fat was unable to shield him from the raining blows of a pack of goblin clubs. And what's this? It seems that the humans have provided an offering for me.

Slave 4: Our liberator! We don't need this crane anymore! You take it!

Excellent! One step closer to establishing my new domain of darkness! I should kill all of them for wasting my time, but it would be more prudent to keep them alive. And they have even opened up the gates to Spree to allow me to conquer it! Ah-hahahaha...this is too easy! Hmm...but before I do this, I should return to my tower and oversee its reconstruction. These goblins could prove useful after all...

edited 19th Jun '10 12:04:10 PM by WillyFourEyes

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Fifth Order: The Halfling Village Invasion

With this Crane, I should be able to get rid of most of this debris. It is almost half as unsightly as all of those sheep running around. Now, I can do to the basement and check on the state of my dungeon. Every Overlord worth his salt should have one.

Gnarl: You can fight almost anything you like down there, provided you've already defeated it once.

So, I get to relieve my stress and beat up on more halflings? Splendid! Put all of my spare minions to work in rebuilding this dungeon at once!

Hmm...this place looks familiar. It looks so much nicer with the Tower Heart in place. I wonder what it has to say about the state of my tower?

Gnarl: Browns are the toughest of all the Minions. They're never ones to shy away from a fight. In fact, it's quite difficult to get them to stop! Such is their dedication to the fight that Browns can use many different objects as weapons.

Yes, yes, I know that already! Hmph...there are no halflings or trolls to be found anywhere in this place. Maybe it is better that those unsightly things did not arrive here after all. Time to head to Spree and...what is this nonsense? Why are you all so quick to greet me with open arms? Where is the cowering in fear? The kneeling before Zod? ...oh, I get it. You all are new to this, are you not? This is the first time you have gazed upon the awesomeness of a black armored knight, and you do not know what to say.

Archie: Back home in Ruboria, I'm called Archibaldamius Methuselah Wobbleboard III, but folks around here just call me Archie. We've had some tough times. The Halflings have ransacked most of the farms and everyone's turned up in Spree...on my doorstep! They voted me Mayor! I got the drinks, yeah, but no food to feed them. Look, I really need some...er...er...valiant knights to get us back the food the Halflings stole from us. Their village lies to the East. I bet they're keeping it there. Go on. Full tummies for us equals fuller pockets for you, if you get my drift.

Was that a bribe, Mayor Overly-Long-Name? Hahahahaha...I like your style. With an attitude like that, you could go places. I hope you do not mind if me and my...um...subordinates do some "creative redecoration" to your town.

Gatekeeper: Careful! This is the only bit of farmland we've managed to save from the Halflings.

Spree Villager: But the crops won't be ready for months! We'll have starved by then!

Watchman: Halfling patrols are still out there! We've seen 'em going into this old workshop! Think they're keeping somethin' in there.

Well, if there is something to be found in that workshop, then go retrieve it! What is keeping you?

Castle Gatekeeper: Castle Spree is under siege! It's burning! The demons...they came...they came out of the air! The lady, she told us to run. So I ran and I didn't look back, even when the screaming started. I don't know if the others made it.

What? There was a castle attack and I was not notified? This will simply not do! I shall deal with this later... First things first! I must terminate this halfling menace and stop them from infesting what will soon be my land. This gate to the west of the village appears to hold something.

Gnarl: It's one of our smelters, and those devils have captured Red Minions to stoke it! Silly scorchers! They must be imprisoned in the tunnels under Spree! We need to put out the fire to move the smelter, but to do that, you must be able to summon Reds. You have to find the Red Minion Hive.

This must be what those halflings were carrying. It is too bad that the Browns could not wade through the fire and carry the smelter back to the tower, but it is pointless for them (not to mention most embarrassing for me) to die outside of combat.

Farmer 1: These roots! I've never seen anything like it!

Farmer 2: Darn Elves! Can't keep their forest under control!

Farmer 3: These roots are strangling our crops!

Farmer 1: The forest! It's gone crazy! That ain't natural, I'm telling you!

Farmer 2: I've tried cutting 'em, setting 'em on fire! Nothing helps!

Farmer 3: It's Elf magic! I've never trusted those pointy-eared layabouts!

Demons, red minions, a castle invasion, and now elves? So much for an overlord to sort out in one fortnight...why are you humans unable to solve your own problems? Then again, as disgusting as those Elves may be, they do have decent aesthetic sense. I like the way the roots run every which way around the garden. It reminds me of home...

Oh...sorry...almost got sentimental there. There is a glowing pot of some sort near the halfling village. There appears to be a goblin's head protruding from it...it is almost begging to be taken back to the tower with me.

Gnarl: Slow! This spell will slow down advancing enemies, giving you more time to make them very dead!

A new Domination spell to add to my arsenal! Slow deaths are always the most satisfying. Be warned, halfling scum, for your deaths are about to be very, very painful!

Gnarl: Looks like they're preparing a party down there! We should hurry up, Sire...don't want to miss it.

When I am Overlord, I alone will decide who and/or what will be allowed to initiate "party time". Stupid halflings and trolls will most certainly not be on that short list...especially not those loathsome, wasteful stone-chuckers that lead me directly to the front gates of their lair for it to be conquered! Haha...ha...hahaha!

---

Okay, Tropers! Decision time! After I've ransacked this halfling halfway house, what should I inspect next? The castle, or the elf forest?

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Which one is the one with the party. Because I'd investigate that one—as you say, only you get to decide when parties are held!

The party's already been crashed and trashed. A glorious victory for the nation of Overlordistan!

Anyway...the two choices of sidequests I've got are inspecting the castle, and going to the elf forest.

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Oh not the castle Evil Overlod! You'll surely find it more fun to kill those skinny elves instead of attacking the poor humans of the castle.

If I'm sure of something it's that I'm not sure of anything.

Ah, okay.

Well, let's see. The forest has...bah, what would it have? The castle, on the other hand, will no doubt have weapons and soldiers and things you'll be able to use to your advantage!

Taking daltar's post at face value (Overlord No-Name is above Reverse Psychology, mortal!), we're evenly split between forest and castle as our next area.

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Sixth Order: The Halfling Homewrecker

Why do these creatures get a better-looking house than I? Something must be done about this immediately. Minions! Come forth!

Gnarl: Tread lightly, Master, and make sure those Halflings never wake up!

Ah...there is nothing I like better than unwarranted and unsolicited property damage...as long as that property does not already belong to me. That food stash has to be in this building somewhere, and I shall wreck every last bric-a-brac in this building until I find it! I shall even get the lowly rats to fight for my cause.

Gnarl: The halflings have got holes everywhere! Seal them up and stop those over-grown weevils!

The last thing I need is more of those lousy halflings running around. As long as I can plug these holes, I will not have to worry about them chasing after us. They can bring their swords, their shields, and their spears, but as long as I have my disposable minions, I shall be unstoppable.

Hello...what is this? A glittering bag worth of gold? This is useless in the hands of the Halflings. I plan to...reposess it for more nob—er, nefarious purposes. Hey...hey! Slow down with that thing! These legs of mine are still adjusting to life on solid ground, you know. I cannot move as fast as you.

Prisoner: Please! Oh...please get us out of here! It's the wheel over there! I heard those Halflings say they're going to serve us to Melvin! Oh! I don't wanna be lunch!

Again with the "oh please help me!" If those halflings frighten you so much, just pick up a pitchfork and some torches and rise against them. They cannot possibly be that powerful, now! But this Melvin fellow...he needs a good talking-to. Prisoners are supposed to be enslaved, not consumed! Human meat is probably not that nutritious, anyway.

Are they growing a garden in this place? And what is with that giant pumpkin? Is this what that idiot scarecrow was afraid of? I mean...look at it? It is merely a pumpkin!

Gnarl: What a fine specimen! It must have taken them years to grow. Don't you just want to...smash it up?

And waste perfectly good food? I am an Overlord, not a barbarian! Still...this does not look like the food stash the humans were talking about. Maybe it is behind this door?

Gnarl: Seems that some careless Halfling has broken that wheel! You'll have to find the missing spokes before you can use it.

So they are learning...It is a rudimentary system that can be bypassed by anyone with the proper know-how, but at least they are learning. They would be wise not to leave them out in the open next time.

Gnarl: Good. Now, you'll need 12 minions to turn it!

12 minions? Ugh...now you tell me. Maybe I will find something in this house. What was under that pumpkin, again! No, no...don't destroy it!

(The minions destroy the large pumpkin and uncover a glowing cylindrical object, and then carry it to the Tower portal)

Gnarl: You can now control 15 minions. 15! That's double the number of brain cells in the average sheep!

I highly doubt the sheep have that many, Gnarl. Oh, who cares? The turnstile is fixed! Time to crack this sucker open like a pinata and reveal what's inside...

edited 1st Jul '10 12:59:53 PM by WillyFourEyes

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Sixth Order, First Addendum: The Food Stash

Gnarl: Hmm...we've found the nest, Sire. Careful, you should not alarm them all at once. Otherwise, they'll have your minions upside down in a pot before you know it!

There are so many of them...but there are also humans among the crowd, so it would be pointless to go for a frontal assault. There must be another way...of course! The rats! We will drive them out little by little, and then slaughter them! Pity these idiots are too dense to realize what they were storing in those containers...

It looks as if the halflings were able to convince some of the humans to stay with them as chefs. They do look to be quite hardy...fool-hardy, that is. (I crack myself up sometimes.) It would be a bad idea to take them on all at once. They seem to be as disgusted at the sight of rats as their halfling masters. With them out of the way, I can finally get my hands on that delicious food stash.

Spree Villager: Oh, you've found it! Oh, Spree is saved! Thank you, Lord!

Gnarl: That food would provide you with a substantial amount of Lifeforce, Sire. You could leave them the food. Just walk next to the platform and let your Minions leave the food supply on it. Or, if you're feeling particularly Evil, why not just...keep it? That is, if we dispose of the...ahem, witnesses!

I thought you had advised against partaking in such mindless slaughter earlier? It matters not to me whether or not they get their food now...so long as they bow down to me later. I expect full compensation for this act of kindness in the immediate future, worms!

Gnarl: Well, well, well...it appears Melvin the Halfling is all grown up...and out! Pity he doesn't have the taste in music as he does in food!

Archie: You're a gent! I couldn't'ave spent another night listening to my grumblin' stomach! You're welcome at the Happy Mule any time. We're in your debts! Beers all around! I miss my Ruboria! Dry as a dead man's tongue, and sandstorms so bad you'd be sneezing glass for a week! I don't know why they made me Mayor. I know what happened to Lord Spree, our last mayor. I ain't ending up like that! Fancy a drop of the good stuff?

No, thank you. I am trying to cut that out.

edited 5th Jul '10 7:17:58 AM by WillyFourEyes

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Really enjoying this so far, just read it through. I note you're going for a Noble Demon rather than a Complete Monster?

The term "Great Man" is disturbingly interchangeable with "mass murderer" in history books.

This time around. The next time I play through the game, I'll go the 100% Corruption route, just to see what kind of eeeeevil powers I can get. The Noble Demon run is also so that I can map out which points I can take to go from ordinary villainy to cartoonish supervillainy.

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Is this a blind liveblog?

The term "Great Man" is disturbingly interchangeable with "mass murderer" in history books.

Mostly blind. I've played a little bit of the game before, but this is the first time I've dove right in and decided to go all the way with it. (One of my other liveblogs, for Rune Factory Frontier, is a pure blind liveblogging, but with Makai Kingdom, I've already beaten the game once, so I know what to expect.)

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Seventh Order: The Soft White Underbelly

Hmm...what is on the agenda of evil for this week? Crash the Halflings' party...look for the elves, find the red minions, get back the Tower Smelter...ah, here we go! "Investigate the destruction of Castle Spree". How unfortunate that I was not invited first. I surely would have done a much more thorough job of destroying the place. The best I can do is clean out the riff-raff and claim the place for my own.

Gnarl: A thousand Halflings couldn't do this much damage. I smell magic in the air! That's never a good smell. Sire, I think you should investigate further.

That I will. If there is dark magic afoot, it is only appropriate that I be there to witness it firsthand. I must be careful in this area, though. There is fire everywhere...I will need to utilize my Reds if I am to make it through.(Where could they be?)

It appears that the forest is also blocked by a pillar of fire. How annoying! I must release my anger on something...something non-human...and this party looks like just the place for me to do it. Minions! Show that pumpkin patch who the boss is around here! Ah...they are so easily amused by things that can be smashed into tiny pieces.

Hello...what is this? This large, round slab of meat must be the guest of honor.

Gnarl: Looks like Melvin is making a run for it! Well, a waddle for it. Your Minions seem bewitched...it does have a haunting beauty to it...Perhaps we should stay a while...revel in the melody...

Minions! Stop that at once! Those halflings will get...*sigh* useless...It looks like I will have to fend for myself against the halflings.

(The minions are all slaughtered by Halflings while they dance)

Oh, great...there go all of my...I mean, their good weapons. Whatever your name is, idiot violin player...I will have your head on a stake by the time this is over!

They left another one of those turnstile rods hanging around. Time to push our way into Melvin's kitchen.

This looks almost like the Halfling home I raided not too long ago. The only problem is that there is not nearly enough non-Overlord pain and suffering being dealt. And just look at all of the food that they left behind.

Gnarl: All this for one bloated Halfling hero! IT could feed a hundred Minions!

Gnarl: The Reds! The Halflings must be using them to start the cooking fires! They must use that wheel to control the flames!

You heard him, new minions! If you want to keep all of that fancy armor and gold you have acquired, you will rescue your comrades from that cell! The Halflings must not be allowed to gain the upper hand! Arm yourselves well...for there is a halfling in desperate need of an...extreme makeover.

(The Overlord and his minions reach the center of Melvin Underbelly's kitchen, where the eponymous gluttonous hero is chowing down on some unknown substance.)

Melvin: Melvin ain't so small now! (laughs)

Stay away from that pitchfork of his! Just circle around him and attack from behind! Yes, just like that! Watch out for the Ground Pound!

(After a brief struggle with Melvin, he stops to take a rest to gather more food.)

So now, I have to deal with this obese fool rolling around and wrecking his own house...at least it saves me the trouble of doing it myself. It would be foolish of you to overuse that rolling maneuver, Melvin. You will have to stop sooner or later.

(Melvin is too tired to fight anymore, and collapses in the center of the arena, his fat rolls pulsating like a beating heart.)

Gnarl: Burst him like a balloon, master!

May my axe be the last thing you see as you take a one-way trip to Hell, Halfling scum!

(Melvin explodes, leaving behind a ball of dark energy, and a whole lot of vomit and other bodily fluids.)

Gnarl: That is concentrated evil, Sire. It accumulates in this of a particularly Evil disposition. Now that you've defeated Melvin, you should endeavor to find our fiery friends.

edited 8th Jul '10 5:54:56 PM by WillyFourEyes

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Seventh Order, First Addendum: The Little Red Ones

Gnarl: Sire, there seems to be a surge of evil energy coming from the Mellow Hills! Your peasants are being drawn towards it!

Not now, Gnarl! I must liberate the red Minions from the foul confines of that halfling's kitchen! Seriously, that bile-mouthed bug belcher was a waste of perfectly good space...and spice. How does one expect to run a kitchen with so many herb and spice jars strewn about? It is simply unsanitary, I tell you!

*ahem* Oh, right...the Reds. They are trapped underneath the furnace, which is easily opened by this turnstile over hear.

Gnarl: Ooh! Reds! Look after them and they'll look after you! Just like one big Evil family! As I explained, Reds are fire-immune, but they also have a powerful ranged attack. Summon some Reds, Sire. If you've reached your Maximum Minion Horde with your Browns, you can swap them at the Gate.

You heard the old goblin! Off you go!

[exchanges 10 Brown Minions for the same number of Reds]

Gnarl: I think you should have a little practice, Sire. Select your Reds! Now, sweep your Reds into that fire barrier over there!

[The Reds knock down the barrier and return with red glowing energy balls]

Gnarl: This is Red Lifeforce, Sire. It will allow you to summon more Reds.

What else could be beyond this kitchen? Oh, dear...is it getting hot in here, or is it just the Reds?

Gnarl: That's the Red Minion Hive, Master! Summon enough Reds to carry it to the Waypoint Gate!

No, Browns...let the Red ones take care of this. You will all have time to die in my name at another time.

Gnarl: Ah, the perfect opportunity to test out your Reds on those Halflings. Recall your Reds from the Red hive, and commence the Fry and die, Sire!

Fry, die? I majored in those two courses before my, um...big sleep. Those half-baked idiots will have no idea what hit them!

Gnarl: You cannot reach them from here! You must reposition your Reds for maximum flaming carnage! Sire, you can hold the position of your Minions by placing guard markers for them!

These chefs will now see what it is like to be on the receiving end of a flambé! Take that! And that! And...that, too! Ha ha! Browns! Open that gate! Something good must be behind it...

There were flames...there was carnage...Well done, Sire!

Well done. Now, we can transport this hive back to base and get out of here!

[Back at the Tower...]

Time to let off a little steam, boys, for you have earned it!

edited 21st Jul '10 8:51:32 AM by WillyFourEyes

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Eighth Order: Hell-ter Smelter

Farmer: My lord, now you've got rid of Melvin, the sheep are flourishing! Take as many as you like, Sire! They're breeding faster than I can count 'em!

Minions: Oh! More sheepies!

Hmm...this lot is a bit tougher than your normal sheep. They are actually trying to fight back. I think one of them tried to headbutt me in the chest. Whatever...huh? Where did that gate come from? I do not remember that being there yesterday...

Villager 1: The gods have surely smiled upon us lowly peons!

Villager 2: They have given us a way to escape our Dark Overlord! It must be a passage... a passage to heaven!

Villager 1: Do we get wings? I want wings! Do they have wings? Ooh, I hope they have wings.

The presence of that gate is troubling. I must find out who is behind its construction, and destroy them! Those peasants should be worshipping me, not some stupid false idol...

[The villagers enter the gate and disappear into a pillar of light].

Gnarl: I had some wings once...gave me a rash. However, Sire, you have an evil domain to uphold. You can't just let your subjects wander off. It's bad for your image! Find out where they're going and stop them!

Does this mean I have to follow those fools into the light? Ugh...I hate light!

[One of the Overlord-haters, thinking he's going to heaven, jumps around in slow motion, walking toward the gate and knocking it over, Looney Tunes-style. It turns out that there is more to this abyss than meets the eye...]

Gnarl: It appears this place isn't so heavenly after all.

Hahahahahaha! Now this is more like it! But...I wonder why my subjects would willingly come to a place like this. And look...they are even being chained up for this foolishness. I would normally say "serves them right", but I cannot allow anyone to cut into my pool of worshippers...even if they are evil.

Gnarl: Those creatures you see are Wraiths, spirits of the Evil dead...In fact, I think I see a few old drinking chums. Hello! Something very powerful must have opened this rift to their world. ...You must investigate further, Sire!

This all feels so right and yet seems so...wrong...

Slave: I think I prefer your fireballs to this place...

Must...resist...Evil urges...

These pumpkins (these are pumpkins, are they not?) are deceptively Evil-looking...they have quite a bit of teeth to them. I could imagine them being like those Wraiths, waiting to be smashed to pieces by my Brown minions and burned by my Reds. And would you look at that...more Halflings to fry. They were probably lured here with the promise of obtaining more food. Hahahahaha...that sheep got them good!

[A sheep rams into the Overlord and explodes]

Whoa! Look alive, minions! I get the feeling that our arrival in this place may be a bit...premature...but a chance to kill Halflings and steal their treasure is not one that can be passed up easily!

Bob: Don't go near the pumpkins, I tell ya! They're fearless little varmints! I saw them eat a sheep once... a whole one, hooves and all!

Not this fool again...oh, well. Reds, you know what to do!

Bob: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing, you little brutes! Don't you threaten me! Okay, okay, I'll go quietly...

Gnarl: Drowning your army is a waste, Sire! If only we had minions that could swim, or float, or not drown quite so fast!

As I though...it was too soon for us to come here...but at least now we have a good idea of the forces working against us... Time to go back to Spree for something a little less (my-)life-threatening. With the Red minions at my side, I can clear the way to this big...thing, whatever it is.

Villager: Halflings! Close the gates!

Gnarl: Cowards! Quick, find another route, then decide how to deal with these worthless peons!

Watch your step...there are halflings about! They have certainly gotten craftier since last time. They almost caught me in an ambush! Think of that...me, being caught by surprise by a creature half my size.

Gnarl: You have retrieved a Smelter, sire! More forging options are available! Your Minions have opened the Tower Forge! The Smelter is being taken there! Visit the Forge, Dark One, and create weapons and armor truly worthy of an Overlord!

Where is that blasted forge, anyway? Oh...here it is...right next to the dungeon.

Gnarl: Ah, the forge, Sire! This place has brought forth weapons that could slay Troll Kings, and armor that could stop a dragon's breath. Giblet has been promoted to Forge Master. He will show you around. The smelter is heating, Sire. Please follow Giblet to the Forge chamber. Here you can forge new items, and upgrade existing ones! You can create three types of weapons...weapons, helmets, and armor.

It seems I can create new steel weapons with this smelter, and sacrifice minions to upgrade my existing equipment. I shall toss 100 of these Browns into the mix to begin the upgrading process. Life force is abundant in this world, but I must be careful not to use too much of it, or else I will not be able to summon anyone to assist my conquest of this world...

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Ninth Order: Damsel In Kinda-Sorta-But-Not-Really Distress

Now, then...about that castle...I should be able to pass through now that I have the Reds under my heel on my side. They can easily swallow this wall of fire while the Browns take out any opposition, like these sword-wielding raiders.

Gnarl: He was most definitely not local. I wonder if the lady that gibbering peasant mentioned is behind this.

It appears that I will have to go around...the drawbridge is up. But who could have survived that attack? The damage is extensive...and probably expensive, as well.

[The Overlord sends his Brown minions through a crevice to open the drawbridge from inside.]

Excellent work! Ah, and it looks like these raiders have been guarding something. Take it back to the lair at once!

[As the minions take the glowing red cylindrical object back to the lair, the overlord feels a surge of power welling up from within. His Health has increased by one bar.]

Yes! YESSSS! *ahem* I mean...this is just what I needed. But...what exactly have they done to Castle Spree...and why?

Guardsman: My lady, please hurry! They're coming!

Woman: Stay back. These people are no threat to you. Put that down! ...Okay...let's just run!

[A burning man runs through the castle along with the lady, and eventually burns to death while his comrades follow her into the storeroom.]

Guardsman: That was...horrible.

Woman: Unless you want the "horrible" following us in here, I suggest you shut the door!

[He complies with the woman's request, just as a few more Raiders pass by.]

Woman: Keep those Reds at the back! Set them on fire!

What? Who said that?

Woman: Control your minions, man!

Hey! I know what I am doing, and I will not accept any advice from anyone who refuses to introduce themselves!

Woman: Your little creatures are just darlings, aren't they?

Why, than—I, I mean, flattery will get you nowhere, woman!

Woman: I'm Rose. Well, it seems like you can handle yourselves. Interested in a job? Have you heard about the Heaven's Peak Plague? It's nasty, very nasty. I came here to see if this place could shelter the poor lumps that aren't infected...yet. I need to get out of here, but I can't leave with these Raiders everywhere and I need my luggage. Could you deal with them and retrieve it for me? Oh, you should probably know: those Raiders had a strange creature with them. It's bound to be magical. Must have helped them get in here!

All right, "Rose", if that is your real name, I shall find your luggage...On One Condition. Upon completion of this mission, you will return with me to my tower, no questions asked. (More details to follow.)

Rose: Those Raiders don't want me helping the plague victims. They want to create chaos! If that plague gets out of Heaven's Peak then things will get very disorganized! And I hate that!

I know the feeling, lady. Hey! Minions! Fall in line! Now!

[The Overlord goes to seek out the room next to Rose's cell for treasure, but only finds a group of peasants trapped underneath burning floorboards.]

The human spirit is certainly a resilient thing. They should all have been flayed alive after an encounter like that... Oh, stop acting like you never saw a man in a giant metal helmet before! There are much worse sights than this!

[The Overlord sees a giant Beholder up ahead, and a group of Raiders emerging from a portal in front of it.]

Gnarl: Hmm...That creature's presence explains how these Raiders entered the castle. Quick, Master! Position your Reds on high ground to attack the beast! You must keep it surrounded!

[The Overlord places five reds on either side of the creature and watches as they bombard it with fireballs, preventing any more enemies from spawning.]

Gnarl: Now, bring the luggage to that female creature before she moans the place down!

This is the strangest looking piece of luggage I have ever seen. Get that parcel moving, chop-chop!

Peasant: Let's head for Spree!

Rose: My luggage! You and your little Cherubs found it!

Gnarl: Cherubs? Yuck!

Well, you know what they say...No Accounting for Taste.

Rose: I thought you were just the usual run-of-the-mill dungeon fodder, but you've surprised me! I think someone like you could use someone like me. Let's go!

[Moments later, back at the Tower...]

Rose: So this is your Tower. Hmm...it could use a bit of work.

Gnarl: Greetings, Mistress. Sire, we've managed to re-open the Private Quarters. I've intstructed the Minions to take m'Lady's luggage there.

Rose: If you're heading to Heaven's Peak, perhaps you could investigate what's been causing the plague? I'd better get up there. Wouldn't want those little dears eating my things and getting a tummy ache. Give me a chance to spruce up the place a little, then come on up. I'll put the kettle on.

An odd girl, that Rose...but she certainly knows her stuff.

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Tenth Order: Zombie Land

Let us see what is on the agenda for now...

In Mellow Hills:

• Find an entrance to Heaven's Peak
• Find a way to take control of the Mellow Hills Abyss
• Seek the entrance of the Elven Forest

In Heaven's Peak:

• Find the source of the plague in Heaven's Peak

Why does the Tower Heart say that I need to find a way into Heaven's Peak? It is right there on the list of destinations!

Gnarl: The slime, the stagnant odor, the festering corpses...it's all so homely... You'll see that the city of Heaven's Peak dominates these swamp-laden lands, my Lord. Within it, the great citadel of Angelis Keep squats like a fly on a dung pile.

You just had to go with the "dung" metaphor, Gnarl...

Guard 1: Look, friend...the camp is getting pretty full now. We just can't take in anymore. And your little friends look pretty far gone. I'm sorry.

Guard 2: Er, I don't think he's a refugee, Sir. From the way he's dressed I say he's heading to the city, not away from it!

Guard 1: You mean you actually want to get in? ...What's wrong with this guy?

Guard 2: You know about the plague, right...the zombies? The city's been closed off! Orders of Sir William, our Paladin governor. He even cancelled his own wedding! And that ain't a woman you want to cancel on!

Guard 1: Look, if you and your creatures want to start wandering about, be my guest! I suppose you might find a way in if you search...but I warn you, it's not safe! And you won't get any help from us! We've enough work to do in the camp, as it is. And zombies ain't the worst of it!

Are you two finished yammering? I have work to do. Your town could use a little...redecorating. Keep your mouths stowed, and you may live long enough to see it restored. Refuse, and...I will not be responsible for what happens afterward.

Destitute Villager: I feel terrible! Everything aches!

Even "there"? They have creams for that, you know.

Infected Refugee: Agh! What's happening...what's happening! Get away from me...get away...get away!

[And then the refugee was a zombie.]

Euuuugh...talk about an extreme makeover. Oh, well...he had no chance of living long anyway.

Guard: Careful, there. That barrier is all that stands between us and those creatures.

Villager: You don't want to leave the camp!

Need I remind you all that I am not from around here, and I have work to do? I should destroy this barrier and teach you all a lesson about common courtesy toward your Overlords! Minions! Showtime! Hey...this zombie killing is actually rather cathartic. Save some for me, you nitwits!

Gnarl: Hmm, a succubus!

'Suck me' what? GNARL! When I return to the tower, I will—oh, you mean the succubus up ahead. Right.

Gnarl: Poor misunderstood young ladies. They just want a little bit of love...a little bit of death...just like the rest of us.

Speak for yourself. H-hey! Minions! Stop goofing off! Do not be entranced by her alluring magic! She is not one of us. Kill her! Kill—-oh, for Loki's sake...she flew away...and we are at a dead end. Wonderful. Everywhere we go is blocked off by water. We are unable to proceed any further unless I find some Blues...at least I get to take this Mana cylinder home with me. What? Stop looking at me like that, Rose! You should know full well that this armor is too bulky to use for swimming. (sigh) Oh, forget it. Maybe I should just go to the forest and deal with those Elves instead.

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!

Following this.

And my lord, might I reccomend taking care of those elves? Though they are pretentious, eco-loving dicks, they are wimpy and easy to persuade.

Overlord: But of course. That was what I was planning next, anyway.

Me: I'll post that portion of the adventure tomorrow.

I hope you get tiny bits of eggshell in all your omelettes for the rest of your life!