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Let's Play: The Adventures of Willy Beamish (hybrid)
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Let's Play: The Adventures of Willy Beamish (hybrid):

 1 BlackWolfe, Sat, 30th Oct '10 8:39:07 AM from Lost in Austin
While my other LP thread is on hold due to brain-mangling, hate-inducing, hair-pulling frustration (I lost an entire session's worth of screengrabs), I started getting nostalgic for one of my favorite adventure games from back in the day.

The Nostalgia Goggles came off when I started to play it, though, and I'm hoping that through the course of this Let's Play, I can still have fun with this game.

Let's Play
The Adventures of
Willy Beamish

Ah, The Adventures Of Willy Beamish. Was any game so egregiously missed by the public? So good and yet advertised so badly?

The advertisements for Willy Beamish were pretty darn misleading: "What if you were nine years old, but knew everything you know now?"

I thought it was going to be like 18 Again or something.

It was not.

The humor was definitely intended for teenagers or older, but the main character's attitude was pretty delightfully childlike. (Unfortunately, so was a lot of the humor.)

The Adventures Of Willy Beamish was one of just a few games from Sierra subsidiary Dynamix, which produced three adventure games and a couple of action games (Stellar-7 and Nova-9) before kind of vanishing off the face of the earth.

It's really too bad, because Dynamix had picked up the Sierra ball and run with it hard. Sierra itself would go on to be essentially a nonentity, although I seem to recall the original ads for Half-Life having that distinctive Mt. Half-Dome logo on them...

Modern systems need to run it in DOSBox, a pretty darn stable DOS emulator. DOSBox does screen and video capture, too, which means this'll probably be a hybrid LP with occasional embedded YouTube videos - without me talking on a microphone. The computer I'm using doesn't have one.


About Copy Protection: The original Willy Beamish came with some feelies:
  • a coupon sheet/menu from the local pizza parlor, which had the quick launch instructions on the back and was purple and otherwise not really needed.
  • Willie's Notebook, which had a bunch of in-jokes for Sierra fans, some insight into the main character's (pretty standard) sibling rivalry, his obsession with Nintari, and a single item on a single page that is the solution to a puzzle very close to the end of the game.

As this isn't a blind Let's Play, but an I-haven't-played-this-since-it-was-new Let's Play, and the magic hypnosis phrase is extremely memorable for its randomness, I won't be consulting the notebook.

...

Actually, you know what? Before I start the game, I'm going to go through the notebook just for giggles.

The Adventures Of Willy Beamish is kind of like being a character in a cartoon in the late 80's, and that's why I like it. Let's Play!


Part Zero
Willy's Notebook

Willy's Notebook was a blue, spiral-bound notebook that came with the game. As I said before, it had one real purpose in the game: A single page of the notebook had information needed to pass a puzzle.

Still, it's worth taking a look at to give you an idea of the world and the characters in it.

The front cover is defaced in standard middle-school style. He's stuck a sticker for his favorite game (Monster Squad) on it, which has begun to peel. He's drawn a Nintari logo on it, then put a Kilroy on the Nintari logo. (Yes, I'm keeping [[BlandNameProduct Nintari]] in my clipboard for this whole review, why do you ask?) It's got stains all over it, and given that he probably keeps it in his backpack, and what else he keeps in his backpack, I really don't want to know what those stains are.

The cover helpfully informs us that it's made by Meed, it is "Private Property of W.B." and Nintari "Rules". (I guess he put the quotes on for emphasis. Willy's a Troper, and he's using Wiki Markup IRL!)

The first page tells us "KEEP OUT OR DIE! Stop B4 its 2 late!" Remember being that young? Despite my age, I sure do.

The next two pages are the Sierra/Dynamix hintline and boilerplate for it, followed by The Curse of Willie Beamish.

Willie's idea of a curse.

Skimming a few pages further, we find that Willy's planned his post-game interview for the Nintari Championship this summer.

First Sierra joke a few pages later: "Nerds play Police Quest!" Also a tip for Willy's favorite Nintari game (I will never tire of that pothole), "Monster Squad." Not to be confused with the movie of the same name, which it has nothing to do with. This tip is useless, as Monster Squad isn't even a mini-game in this, just an animation. Aww.

Pix of Willy and his best friends, Dana and Perry. Perry's name shows up in the essay at the end of this section. The only reason I know Dana's is because it's all over the page, along with "W.B.+D.M." Willy's notebook is starting to look like it belongs to a girl his age, and not a boy. Also, on the facing page, Willy found out about his parents' secret plans to hire a BABYSITTER! This "bogus parental move" has him upset.

Willy's treefort design is... ambitious. Very.

Very.

A few pages later, we find out about his bestest (nonhuman) bud ever. A frog named Horny. Wait, wait. Let me use his phrasing: Horny the total "Studly" frog!!

(He also puts a smiley under the two exclamation points. Are we sure Willy's not a girl?)

Next page? A couple of ads. The first is for a Nintari repairman. The second is an actually funny ad that comes into play late in the game. That's right, a fourth-wall-breaking Chekhov's Gun is the copy protection.

My favorite part, cheesy though it may be, is this:
You are feeling a powerful urge to pick up the phone. That's right, juuust reeelax. Don't fight it. Call meee. Call meee nowwww. Dial 1-800-555-TIZE. Call now. Dial the phone. 1-800-555-TIZE.

Also, Cedric the Owl falling out of a tree, dead.

Last important bit in the notebook: Willy wrote a one page paragraph essay entitled "My Best Friend." Reproduced here for your consideration. Essay in bold, Ms. Glass' notes in italics.

"My Best friend."

I have a lot of cool friends like Dana and Perry, but my bestest friend is the ghost of my grandfather Beamish. He is totally awesome, even if he is dead and can't buy me ice cream anymore. He's kind of like a "fairy grandfather." He is the best, coolest, most excellent, friend I have ever had.

The End.

C- sad
This was supposed to be about someone real!

Actually, Ms. Glass, it is. Unfortunately.

Willy's a bit obsessed with Nintari, keeping track of his high scores and his efforts to achieve landmarks such as 1, 000, 000, 000 and 2, 000, 000, 000. Yes. Those are billions. Also, apparently Monster Squad is the only game for Nintari. Probably for that awesome line "Wolfman's got nards!"

Then we get the writing credits for the manual and game, as written by Willy. Apparently, Dynamix is "a swell place to work!"

"Swell"? Really, guys? "Swell." Okay.

Swell.

Also, another set of exclamation point smileys. Just so you know I'm telling the truth here.

Actual play starts next post.

edited 7th Nov '10 7:43:00 AM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 2 BlackWolfe, Sun, 31st Oct '10 1:24:06 AM from Lost in Austin
What A Swell Place To Work!

Let's Play

Part One

Willy Beamish is broken up into four days. There's a lot of incidental animation in the game - they proudly advertised that they used Disney animators on this project. What this means is that for the first couple of sessions, there's going to be a bit more pictures. There will be occasional pictures of key pieces of dialogue or action in addition to location pictures for places I go. As the game goes on, and more backtracking happens, the pictures will become less frequent. (In fact, I'm going through the next post to see if I can trim some more fat. I'm sure I can.)

In addition, they animated almost everything - I'll point out when they don't - and there are some long, less-than-interactive bits ("Meanwhile" cut scenes and so on) that I'll be recording and embedding YouTube videos of.

INTRODUCTION

Our story begins with Willy falling asleep in an assembly on the last day of school.

Welcome to the world of late-80's-to-early-90's cartoons, where sassy middle schoolers bring their pet frogs to school and anyone who isn't a major character is a walking stereotype.

Also, how 'bout that championship? They sure loved their animation loops, huh? I'm sure we won't see that animation loop again, though.

Meet Ms. Glass. She is Willy's teacher. She is your typical crabby schoolmarm who's seen everything before and doesn't take any shenanigans from any young whippersnapper.

Willy: Oh no, the old prune caught me. Better think of something fast.  BW

  • I dunno, Ms. Glass.
  • I've got something stuck in my ear. Could you repeat that?
  • We can all go home now.

It really doesn't matter what you pick here, Ms. Glass knows you weren't paying attention. She also takes great delight in telling you how horrible your last day is going to be:

Ms. Glass: I said it's a beautiful sunny day. Your friends are outdoors having fun. The birds are singing and your report cards are in today's mail.
Willy: Oh, man, that "C" I got in music appreciation wasn't my fault.  BW How am I gonna explain it to Dad? He's gonna freak!  BW
Ms. Glass: Won't your parents be surprised when they see your report cards?
Willy: Wangst about missing the upcoming Nintari Championship.
Ms. Glass: Stereotypical teacher shame in student.  BW

Someone please interrupt this dialogue!

Um. No. Thanks, Carmine, but you're just dragging this out.

Yay! "Horny the total 'Studly' frog" to the rescue!

Ms. Glass: Do you have something you wish to share with us, Willy?  BW
Carmine: You're in for it now, Willy!

  • Oh, that was just my frog, Inappropriatenameforachildspet  BW Horny.  BW
  • Must be something I had for lunch.  BW
  • No, Ms. Glass.

You can safely select 2 or 3. Selecting 3 lets you get home in time to intercept the mail, but selecting 2 gets...

Oh, hell yeah.

  • Um, no thanks. I feel better already.
  • Ohhh... I feel a stabbing pain in my side...

Carmine: He's fakin', Ms. Glass.  BW
Willy: Awwww!!! The pain... I think I'm gonna throw up.  BW

Um... No Just No.

Ms. Glass: Okay, go to the nurse's office.
Fat Kid  BW: Wait'll ya see the new nurse, Willy.

I've been trying to, but you guys won't shut up!

And now it's time for...

Helloooooooo, NURSE! You can put your hands lower if you like...

Willy: What's the difference?
Nurse: About 300 bucks!  BW Does it hurt here?

split due to only one YouTube embed per post

edited 31st Oct '10 2:14:43 AM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 3 BlackWolfe, Sun, 31st Oct '10 1:29:00 AM from Lost in Austin
At this point, you can lose the game  * by continuing to fake being sick, which gets you...

A horrible horrible pun. Bad writers! BAD!

So we tell her we feel fine now, and...

Nurse: You're going to be just fine! You can go back to class now, Willy.

Gee, thanks Nurse Gazongas. (Not her name. I think. Can't be sure, this game will stoop pretty low for a cheap joke. Kind of like me your mom.

Back in the classroom, Ms. Glass wants us to write an essay. "How I plan to spend my summer vacation." This'll be a short one:

How I plan to spend my Summer Vacation
by Willy Beamish

This summer, I'm going to escape from Ms. Glass's detention so I can beat the mailman home. Then I'm going to fight a vampire babysitter, win the frog jumping tournament, save the town from a Corrupt Corporate Executive, and FUCKING DOMINATE the international Nintari championships.

D- sad
First, watch your language, young man! Secondly, what was that first one?

At this point, we can take control of—

Ms. Glass: Now start writing. And I don't want to hear a peep out of anyone?

At this point, we have control of Willy. The red arrow on the screen indicates I have my mouse over a hotspot. In this case, it's Willy's desk!

Looks like Willy came prepared. That piece of wood with a ring in it sure looks like a hall pass to me.

We've also got red and white crayons - one will make a hall pass. The other will make an obvious fake. Only one way to find out which. Did I mention that Dynamix was a subsidiary of Sierra? Well it was.

Here's our inventory. We've got the crayons, the fake hall pass, a dog-tag chain with no dog-tags on it, a yo-yo, a toupee, a GameBoy, and Horny.

Since Dynamix is a Sierra company, Save Scumming is practically a requirement. We save here because I could be mistaken about what color the Hall Pass should be.

Say hello to the coach. Poor guy's stuck on hall monitor duty after school on the last day. Let's whip up a hall pass and sneak out.

Coach Beltz: Hey, Beamish! What are you doing out in the hall?

  • I was just on my way to the bathroom, Coach.
  • Mr. Frick gave me permission to be here.
  • School's out, and I'm history, Coach. Have a nice day.
  • Your wife's taking me to a motel 'cause you can't satisfy her. See ya, loser!

(All of these options are totally real. Especially that last one.)

Let's see if the white hall pass works...

  • Mr. Frick gave me permission to be here.

Coach: Let's see yuh hall pass.
Willy: [Hands over hall pass] Can I go now, Coach?

Cross your fingers, Tropers...

Coach: Why ya little gold-brickin' pile of possum puke.  BW I oughta kick yer butt for that. This ain't nocountry club, boy. Now git with the program, Beamish, and gimme some push-ups.

Screw that noise, Coach. Save Scumming ahoy!

Coach: You little crumb! This hall pass is phonier than a three dollar bill! I'm sure Mr. Frick will be interested in discussin' the penalty for forgery in Carbuncle School with you!

Aw, shitbunnies. It was the response I'd gotten wrong earlier. Bathroom it is, then. Despite what awaits me there...

One game load and white Hall Pass later...

Coach: This hall pass looks mighty peculiar, Beamish...

Oh, screw you game, you're not fooling me with this false tension bullshit, just let me go.

Coach: I guess it's a new one.  BW You can go now.

To... the bathroom. Joy.

Hey, did you think we had enough cliches yet? Yeah, not by a long shot, Tropers.

Meet Spider. Yes, Spider. Straight out of a 70's sitcom, all flickin' his cigarette across the room and...

Spider: Yo! Look what the cat drug in!

Urrrgh. *facepalm*

Willy: Uh, oh, I'm in trouble now!
Spider grabs Willy and lifts him up, prepared for a pounding. Time for some bribery and an okay joke!
Willy: Hey, Spider, what're you doin' here?  BW Just my luck... If I'm not careful, this guy's gonna really bust my chops.  BW
Spider: Hey, watcha got in the backpack? Somethin' the Spiderman wants?

  • Hey, dude, smokin' ain't allowed in school.  BW
  • I don't think so, Spider.
  • None of your business.

Be nice to Spider for now, Willy, we'll blow him up later. (Seriously.) We pick option two, he says nobody told us to think, and we give him our GameBoyGameBuddy, prompting the following joke.

Note I said "okay joke, " not "good joke."

edited 31st Oct '10 1:31:02 AM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 4 BlackWolfe, Sun, 31st Oct '10 1:29:15 AM from Lost in Austin
This takes us back to the hallway, where Coach Beltz has vacated, allowing us to escape! And our update ends with the mandatory heroic kid skateboarding through town animation!

Next time on Let's Play Willy Beamish:

BlackWolfe is reminded just how incredibly cheesy this game is. Because this update hasn't quite gotten there yet.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 5 Endark Culi, Sun, 31st Oct '10 9:24:53 AM from Ontario, Canada Relationship Status: In Spades with myself
Welcome to Purgatory!
Seems like a good LB so far. I've always been a fan of tricky adventure games (especially if I have a printed-out guide in arm's reach), and this one looks pretty fun with all of the now-cheezy 80's and 90's references. I wish tou the best of luck for future updates.

Also, kinda funny how Willy's sunglasses (which weren't even in his inventory) don't last more than seven seconds in that last video.
 6 Trigger Loaded, Sun, 31st Oct '10 12:51:01 PM from Canada, eh? Relationship Status: Healthy, deeply-felt respect for this here Shotgun
$50 a day, plus expenses
Is it just me, or does Carmine look like Duke Nukem's child? Probably one of a hundred illegitimate ones he's had.
Don't take life too seriously. It's only a temporary situation.
 7 BlackWolfe, Sun, 31st Oct '10 1:52:10 PM from Lost in Austin
I think that's the last we've seen of Carmine and "Chubby." Spider, sadly, has one more appearance before we're through. Replaying this, I'm honestly not sure why The Adventures Of Willy Beamish has such a place in my heart. I'm just a sucker for Dynamix games. I'm pondering Rise Of The Dragon next.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
Bunny
I find this game to be rather amusing for some reason. And I've seen a playthrough of this game before, and some of the last things look just impossible to figure out. Like the terminals in the factory. Or the tape recorder and the telephone. Jeez.

The tourists are funny, regardless of how racist they may be.
One of my few regrets about being born female is the inability to grow a handlebar mustache. -Landstander
Defiler of Shops
Oh no! You gotta go back and get those sunglasses for some laser puzzle later in the game!
Soul is ugly.
 10 BlackWolfe, Mon, 1st Nov '10 5:58:36 AM from Lost in Austin
As I recall, the tape recorder was pretty easy, but the terminals were pure luck. The part that gave me the most trouble was the frog-jumping competition - it's a matter of clicking in exactly the right spot.

Anyway, I work tonight, so the next update will be tomorrow when I get home. (I've already written it out, just have to upload the videos and pictures. And see if I can reduce the number of images in the update without losing anything.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 11 BlackWolfe, Tue, 2nd Nov '10 9:10:20 AM from Lost in Austin
Updates, updates! Get your updates here! Red hot updates!

It took me almost as long to format this update, remove extraneous pictures, and upload videos as it did to play through this section of the game. Anyway, here you go!
What a SWELL place to work!!

I think I'm done with that gag. We'll see.

Let's Play

Part Two

Day One Afternoon to Night

When last we left our Designated Hero, his pet frog had ruined the end-of-the-school-year assembly, he'd escaped detention, he'd given his Nintari  BW GameBuddy to a school bully, and the nurse was predictably blonde, airheaded, and stacked.

So now, we've gotten home in time to grab the mail from the mail slot. We click on it, and Willy declares his intention to hang onto his report card so he won't get grounded from his Nintari.

You know what? Only one thing can make this game more bizarrely cliche! If Willy had a friend and confidant that only he could see. Like... the ghost of his grandfather or something.

Oh, son of a bitch. The gags in Rise Of The Dragon were better. Why didn't I pick that one instead? Say hi to Willy's grandpa, Tropers.

Hi, Willy's grandpa!

Okay, gramps, whatcha got to say to young Willy?

Ghost Beamish: I assume you're going to show that report card to your parents, Willy.  BW
Willy: Of course I will, Grandpa. By the way, where ya been hidin'?  BW I haven't seen you in awhile.
Ghost Beamish: You haven't needed me for awhile. You've got to watch yourself, boy! Something foul is afoot in the city of Frumpton.  BW

Anyway, we can go inside now. Let's meet Mom and the kid sister, What's-Her-Name!

Pictured: A foyer. I never lived in a house with a foyer. I hate you, Beamish family. I hope the sewers back up and wipe out your ritzy house.

Duffy, the Beamish dog, comes in and sits up to beg. Guess we'll meet the family later. Right now, it's walkies for Duffy. Duffy? Seriously?
Willy: Hey, Duffy. How ya doin', boy?
Duffy: Pant, pant, pant... Hiya, boss.

  • Maybe I should take him for a walk.
  • I wish that mutt would quit bothering me.

We take the dog for a quick animation loop while he thinks doggy thoughts. Specifically...

Duffy: Kibbles 'n Grits, Kibbles 'n Grits. I'm gonna get me some Kibbles 'n Grits.

I promise, this game does have a plot, and even a few jokes in it. For now, we can go to the kitchen, thereby advancing the waiting-for-the-actual-plot-to-happen filler, or to the living room, or upstairs. We'll be hitting each and every one of those locations later. For now, let's just get on with it. But first, the answering machine light is blinking. Clicking on it cycles through the messages until there are none left. WALL-OF-TEXT AHOY!

Message: Tiffany, this is Melanie. You won't believe what happened today! I heard Trish say that you know who did you know what with you know who! Call me as soon as you get home  BW!
Message: This is Mr. Frick from Carbuncle Elementary School. We've been having discipline problems with your son Willy, again.  BW Mr. or Mrs. Beamish, please give me a call today at 555-0772 before 6:00 p.m. to discuss this matter.  BW
Message: Sheila, this is Ms. Crabbleton. I ate something which didn't agree with me this afternoon  BW, and it's really given me the green apple two-step, If You Know What I Mean, so I won't be able to give Willy and Brianna their music lessons today. Guess I should have known better than to have thirds on the fried chicken livers in the buffet line. Oh well, live and learn.  BW
Message: Hello, my name is Bernie Leibowitz with the Employment Bureau. I'm calling for Mr. Gordon Freeman  BW Beamish. Please call me tomorrow at 555-5375 during business hours.
Message:  BWTiffany, uh, this is Cliff  BW and I was just calling to see if you wanted to go see the Gums & Noses concert with me Friday night. Call me when you get a chance.  BW
Message: Beep. There are no messages. Beep. Thank you.

I just like to think the prerecorded message actually says the word beep instead of beeping. It makes me slightly happier for having sat through that. (I'm sure the Updated Re-release just has a beep sound. sad

Now we can move on to the kitchen, where, no doubt, the adventure will get underway.

Nice kitchen. Mom's wearing a short tank top and has the body for it. And Hartman Hips, of course.

Sheila: How was your last day of school, Dear?
Willy: Great Mom  BW, just great.

Duffy, not content with delaying the game to show off the awesome "walking the dog" animation loop, is waiting by his food dish. Mom's preparing dinner. To advance, we talk to Mom.

Sheila: I'm glad you're home. I'm up to my ears, and I really need your help.
WhinyWilly: Aw Mom, I just got home and I gotta unwind.  BW
Brianna: MAAAA! I wanna go outside and plaaaayy!

This is Brianna, Willy's precocious little sister.  BW

Sheila: Brianna, you'll just have to wait.
Sheila: Willy, you can unwind after you help me. Brianna's been whining all her life afternoon. Get her out of my hair before I go crazy  BW Just take her into the backyard for a while.
Willy: No way, Mom. Brianna's a real pain  BW.
Sheila: Then grab that Jinsu knife over there and julienne those veggies for dinner.
The game now pretends to give us a choice, but all we're choosing is the order in which to do our chores. (You can pick the "wrong" option in order to get in trouble, but if you get in too much trouble, you go to a military boarding school.)

  • All right, all right. C'mon Brianna. I'll push ya on the swings.
  • Okay. Give me the Jinsu knife. I'll get to work on the veggies, but I'm not gonna like it.
  • I told you Mom, I've got better things to do with my time.  BW

While pushing Brianna on the swing, you get the opportunity to end the game by sending your little sister airborne. Thanks to the magic of time travel, here it is:

You people better appreciate this. I had to sit through that pushing-Brianna-on-the-swing boredom twice to get that video. Also, apparently there's only one nurse in all of Frumpton. No complaints here.

edited 2nd Nov '10 9:59:15 AM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 12 BlackWolfe, Tue, 2nd Nov '10 9:12:38 AM from Lost in Austin
Of course, if you nobly spare your sister (so you can keep playing the game)...

Oh, Brianna!

The little bitch has the nerve to be mad at you. Just like a real little sister! Anyway, now that we've appeased Sheila by taking her hellspawn outside and sparing the wretch's life to boot, we're free and cl—

Sheila: Now you can get started on those carrots, Willy.

Oh, son of a bitch! Okay, Willy, you're a kid. You know the standard out for this. Mangle those veggies bad enough, and she'll take the knife away from you and do it herself. Then you're free to go play Nintari as much as you like!

Sheila: Careful now! That knife's made out of real carbon steel, and it's so sharp it can cut through a...  BW
Willy: Yeah, yeah, I know. It's so sharp it can cut through a shoe.  BW

REALISTIC BLOOD SPURTING REDACTED TO KEEP NUMBER OF UNNECESSARY IMAGES DOWN PROTECT OUR YOUTH.

Willy: Ow, my thumb! Mom! I'm bleeding! Call the paramedics! This looks serious!

No, you idiot, you're supposed to mangle the veggies, not yourself!

Dynamix was the company that made the more violent adventure and action games for Sierra. Rise Of The Dragon. Heart Of China. Stellar7. Nova9. Willy Beamish. URNOTE.

Also, the paramedics? I mean, it's a gusher, but it's nothing to rush to the emergency room over. Especially not with the cavalier attitude that doctor has towards innoculation.

Thankfully, Sheila's sane and sensible, and sends you up to bandage your own damn self.

Sheila: Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just a little nick.  BW
Willy: It's throbbing. I feel faint.  BW
Sheila: Don't make such a big deal out of it! You're beginning to sound like Brianna  BW. Just go upstairs and take care of it. You're bleeding all over the veggies.  BW
Willy: That knife looked rusty, Mom. You think I oughta put iodine on it?  BW

Annyway, a few more lines of dialogue later, and we're free to go put iodine and a band-aid on Willy's boo-boo.

I'm pretty sure this upstairs isn't quite proportioned right.

The upstairs. Left to right: Brianna's room (far left), the hallway leading back downstairs (where Willy's standing), Parents' room, Bathroom, Attic (above bathroom), Tiffany's room, Willy's room. Enough of the grand tour, let's go clean up that gaping, surely life-threatening wound!

Pictured: One Bathroom. No lines, no waiting!

This is the bathroom. Yes, we will be back here later, thanks for asking. Arrow points to the cupboard the first aid supplies are in.

Willy: Ugh! This iodine looks really gross.

Oh, you whiny little... You yourself said you should put iodine on it. I should note, by the way, that the iodine is mold green, and does not look at all like iodine.

  • I don't need this stuff. I'm in enough pain.
  • This might hurt a little, but it's better than getting gangrene.
  • Just a band-aid. It'll be fine.

If you fail to properly treat Willy's thumb, he won't be able to practice Nintari. If he is unable to practice Nintari, Willy's self-esteem goes into a downward spiral. He ends up addicted to morphine, murders his parents, sells his sisters into slavery, and ends up writing for Cracked.

Willy: OWWWW! I'm in agony. Man does this stuff hurt!

That taken care of, we can go take a look at Willy's room.

Note the Star Trek: The Next Generation Enterprise-D on the ceiling. Dynamix know their audience. Also, kid's got a boatload of toys. We'll play later. Dinner will be ready soon (along with a dramatic conversation) so let's go visit Gramps before it's too late.

See, Willy? Grandpa's been right there the whole time. Also, check out the spiffy train set. That's Gordon's (Dad's). We're gonna screw it up, then use our magical time turner to make it all better.

I accidentally uploaded this picture when I meant to upload the next one, so here's a closeup of Grandpa making a load of shoutouts. The two I can name offhand are Looney Tunes and The Jack Benny Program. Both featuring Mel Blanc, no less. Funny, that.

Note the trouble meter towards the end, there? We need to keep that down for the first couple of days, or it's Game Over. Also...

HOLY GUACAMOLE!!

edited 2nd Nov '10 10:07:54 AM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 13 BlackWolfe, Tue, 2nd Nov '10 9:13:59 AM from Lost in Austin
Anyway, resetting time to before the train wreck gives us just enough time to squeeze in some all-important Nintari practice.

Wow. Such incredible graphics. And we'll get to see 'em again (at least I will) since Willy needs to practice Nintari a few times in order to keep his skills up for the big championship at the finale. I managed to squeeze another play session in before dinner, so go ahead and watch that exact same video one more time. Excitement! Adventure! DYNAMIX!

Sheila: Willy, time for dinner!!

Oh, thank God.

Hey, Willy, the plot's calling!

Willy: Dinner looks great, Mom. What is it?  BW
Sheila: Where's your father? Everyone's always late around here...
Brianna: C'est coq au vin avec pommes frites et vegetables jubilee.  BW
Willy: Shut uppez-vous, ya little show-off.  BW
Sheila: Tres bien, Brianna. Willy, don't talk to your little sister that way.  BW Your dad should be home by now. I bet he got the big promotion.  BW

Tiffany: Ya know, Cliff's father is a millionaire, and he's not as old as Daddy. He made his fortune in women's lingerie.

Hey, Tropers! Meet Willy's older sister, Tiffany. Can you say The Libby? I knew you could. How about Valley Girl? Not that the answering machine messages didn't make this as predictable as the rest of this first day of the storyline. (Don't worry, things take a turn for the whatthefuck soon enough.) Cliff's dad made a fortune in women's lingerie. Okay. So what does he do now that he's not a gigolo?

Willy: And I'll bet he looks pretty cute in it, too!

That was actually a pretty good zinger, Willy. Or... or maybe you're fishing for information. Maybe you want to be your own sister's father-in-law someday? Not uncreepy.

Tiffany goes on and on about how awesome and rich her boyfriend's dad is. This, of course, makes the impending news from Gordon that much more of a surprise to the player - who, if you'll recall, got an answering machine message for Gordon from an employment agency. We do get this choice line, though:

Tiffany: Cliff is like... so intellectual. Ya know what I mean?

Well, we know what the word you're using means. I very much doubt you do, but keep telling yourself how smart your boyfriend is. If he was really smart, he wouldn't be in this game.  BW

Willy shares our sentiment:

Willy: Then what's he doin' with you?

edited 2nd Nov '10 9:30:54 AM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 14 BlackWolfe, Tue, 2nd Nov '10 9:14:39 AM from Lost in Austin
We find out Sheila's been planning a surprise party for Gordon in view of his pending promotion. Remember, everyone in this game is an idiot. They know nothing. She's dreaming about prestige, and Gordon's on his way home, listening to Synchronicity II for the twelfth time. He stops at a sporting-goods store on the way home. "Many miles away, " he sings along forlornly, "something crawls to the surface... of a dark Scottish loch."  BW

By the way, the main reason I have the following video is to save me from transcribing the wall of text. So watch it, please. (Sorry the text is so small. It's a 320x200 game. It should still be legible.)

Did you watch that? If not  BW, here's a summary:
  • Gordon comes in.
  • Everyone congratulates him on his promotion.
  • They all start making plans for what to do with the money.
  • Willy specifically wants $2500 to enter the Nintari Championships. (Relevant to goals you need to achieve through the course of the game.)
  • Gordon informs them he's been fired, and he has no backup plan to see them through until he has more work.
  • This happens:

Sheila: Whaddya mean? How are we supposed to make the mortgage and car payments? How are we going to pay for Brianna's gifted-preschool program... or the credit cards... or my facials... or my nail wraps?

  • Willy still needs $2500 to go to the championship.
  • It ain't happenin', Willy. If mom can't have her facials, you can't have your Nintari championship.

That's right, Sheila. When your husband tells you he's been let go, and you can't pay the bills, worry about your damn beauty treatments. And Willy, continue to ask for two and a half GRAND. ARGH. FAMILY! SO! SPOILED!!

Looks like it's up to ol' BlackWolfe to save the day. But first...

Gordon: Hey, anybody seen the mail?

Gotta hand the mail over to Dad before Brianna tells on me.

Ghost Beamish: Well, Willy... what are you gonna do?

Lying about the mail gets you in more trouble, so we hand over our report card, and...

Gordon: Lemme see. Not bad, son... B+... A-... B. What's this? A "C" in Music Appreciation?  BW
Tiffany: Maybe Willy should spend a little less time playing Nintari.

Oh, you backstabbing bitch. Just for that, you're gettin' a frog to the face later. Anyway, apparently the Nintari has an ignition, and Dad's taking the key and giving it to Tiffany. This must be resolved, or Willy will not get that vital third practice session in that means the difference between victory and defeat.

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 15 BlackWolfe, Tue, 2nd Nov '10 9:15:25 AM from Lost in Austin
Tiffany chooses to taunt both Willy and her father by saying "With Daddy out of work, you won't be going to the championships anyway!" Because Gordon needs a reason to use that aluminum bat he picked up on the way home. While listening to the Police. Remember that part? It'll be important later, during the whole The Shining sequence.

See? I told you! "Synchronicity II"! Strike! Factory! ALUMINUM BASEBALL BAT! Also, foreshadowing.

Anyway, let's finish up dinner, get that key back, and end this game day (and this update)! (Not here, this is a break in the current update so I can make a new post for another YouTube video embed. (Yes, right after the last two. A lot of stuff chooses to happen right now.)
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 16 BlackWolfe, Tue, 2nd Nov '10 9:15:58 AM from Lost in Austin

Awwww, Duffy wants something... Should I? Actually, yes. If you don't slip him some food under the table, he climbs up and grabs food off your plate and you get in trouble for it. So, I slip him some food, and...

Sheila: [angry face] Willy! I've told you a thousand times not to feed that overgrown mangy mutt at the table! It's not good for him!

Really, game? Actually, the difference is that while you get yelled at, your Trouble Meter doesn't go up, so we're cool. She orders Willy to take the dog out of the dining room, and when you do...

Meet our villains. Leona Humpford and Louis Stoole. Note their plan. Remember Gordon's previous job was with a P.R. firm. Feel the predictable plot closing in around you. Don't worry, it's the hijinks that we're here for, not the story itself. Also, I TOLD YOU THE STRIKE WAS RELEVANT.

Anyway, let's go see about getting that key back. (And while we're at it, let's get revenge and something we'll need later, too.)

Tiffany's Room. Note the generic, cartoony 80's rocker in all the posters. Note Tiffany being stereotypical and yakking away on the phone. Note the scale, with which we can mess if we're feeling evil.

Here somehow, Tiffany's gotten upstairs ahead of me. Her diary is under the cursor, I can screw with her scale (but I'll get in trouble for it), and she has the Nintari key! We'll grab the diary...

Ghost Beamish: I really don't think you should take your sister's diary, Willy!

  • You're probably right, Grandpa.
  • So what?

...but we can't get the Nintari key until later. (Note that that was another place where breaking the rules of being a nice kid is required.) We can go into Brianna's room and help her. She's fallen, and she can't get up, you see. They even use the line. It lowers the trouble meter one level, so I did it. Then I started wandering around upstairs until...

Tiffany: MOM, I need you. I'm in the tub, and I'm outta conditioner!
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 17 BlackWolfe, Tue, 2nd Nov '10 9:16:27 AM from Lost in Austin
This is what we were waiting for. Tiffany's in the bathtub. Now we can get sweet revenge, and also the key.

Sheila: Willy, take your sister a bottle of conditioner.
Willy: Do I have to?
Sheila: Just do it. I'm busy.

Now, the conditioner is in the bathroom. Where Tiffany is. So, we go into the bathroom and exact our revenge. First, we give her the conditioner and ask real nice. Then we beg. She tells Willy to drop dead and telekinetically kicks him out of the bathroom.  BW This means war.

Then we go back and unleash amphibian horrors upon her. She deserves it.

We use Horny on her. Wow, that sounds bad, but not as bad as some upcoming dialogue from Willy...

Tiffany: Get that thing outta here! Oh, gross!! YECCHH!!!
Tiffany: MAAAAAAAAAA!!!  BW

Willy: Horny, jump her if she moves a finger!
Tiffany: You won't get away with this, punk!  BW
Willy:  BWI already did.  BW

All right! We've got the Nintari key, so it's time to practice! (Quick, scroll up and play that video one more time, 'cause the animation doesn't change at all!)

Willy: YEA!! I just know I can win the championships now.

That's it. We're done with the Nintari. But not with the key, oddly enough. From then, we just kill time until...

Sheila: Willy, it's close to bedtime.

...it's time to end Day One, and end this update. See you soon!

Good night, Willy. Good night, Tropers. Good night, Brick Joke, going over the Tropers' heads.  BW

edited 2nd Nov '10 9:16:43 AM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 18 Endark Culi, Tue, 2nd Nov '10 5:18:30 PM from Ontario, Canada Relationship Status: In Spades with myself
Welcome to Purgatory!
Alas, poor Gordon, who's probably the most sympathetic character in this thing so far...Then again, he probably should've had a clue about what he was getting into (at least, when it comes to his family problems) when he married Stella. Once a [CENSORED], always a [CENSORED], dood...

edited 2nd Nov '10 5:19:32 PM by EndarkCuli

 19 BlackWolfe, Tue, 2nd Nov '10 9:13:11 PM from Lost in Austin
Gordon's a nebbish, really. Lord knows how he made it in advertising at all.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 20 Deathonabun, Wed, 3rd Nov '10 4:45:52 PM from the bedroom
Bunny
Oh, I started clicking on your Nintari links.

WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!
One of my few regrets about being born female is the inability to grow a handlebar mustache. -Landstander
 21 BlackWolfe, Wed, 3rd Nov '10 9:33:46 PM from Lost in Austin
Yeah, I'm... I'm sorry. The Pot Holes just got weirder and weirder and Candle Cove snuck in there at one point, and... I'm sorry.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
Bunny
It's all good.

Just...some of those are not fun to read at night.
One of my few regrets about being born female is the inability to grow a handlebar mustache. -Landstander
Defiler of Shops
Why is Willy Freeman going to sleep when the sky is perfectly blue outside?
Soul is ugly.
 24 BlackWolfe, Fri, 5th Nov '10 5:51:42 AM from Lost in Austin
He... got sent to bed early because of his grades? The designers forgot to make it night outside?

I'm leaning towards the latter. Next part was delayed due to repeatedly being called in to work on my day off. Will work on it this evening.
But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
 25 BlackWolfe, Sat, 6th Nov '10 6:05:08 AM from Lost in Austin
What A Swell Place To Work!

Let's Play

As mentioned in this post before I edited it, I'm switching to this annotated video format for these updates. This will save massive amounts of playtime - I won't have to pause at every line of dialogue to transcribe them - as well as completely removing the "do I include this screenshot" dilemma.

Part Three

When last we left our hero, he had gone to sleep at the end of Day 1. Through Save Scumming, I managed to show a couple of Game Over screens.

Today, we finally get to meet Willy's bestest (non-dead, non-amphibian) buds in the whole wide world. Also, Horny lives up to his name. Also, nine year olds knew the difference between love and lust way back in 1991. I, on the other hand, have reached that age where I find that a bit hard to swallow.

Also, PLOT HAPPENS. SYNCHRONICITY II! SYNCHRONICITY II, I'M TELLING YOU! It's gonna be a suburban The Shining up in here!

Note: If you can't see the annotations (there's one as soon as the video starts, so you'll know) or just want them to be larger, you can watch the video on YouTube. There's a link in the video to the next one.

edited 7th Nov '10 1:56:01 PM by BlackWolfe

But soft! What rock through yonder window breaks? It is a brick! And Juliet is out cold.
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