The Adventures of
Willy Beamish Ah, The Adventures of Willy Beamish. Was any game so egregiously missed by the public? So good and yet advertised so badly? The advertisements for Willy Beamish were pretty darn misleading: "What if you were nine years old, but knew everything you know now?" I thought it was going to be like 18 Again or something. It was not. The humor was definitely intended for teenagers or older, but the main character's attitude was pretty delightfully childlike. (Unfortunately, so was a lot of the humor.) The Adventures of Willy Beamish was one of just a few games from Sierra subsidiary Dynamix, which produced three adventure games and a couple of action games (Stellar-7 and Nova-9) before kind of vanishing off the face of the earth. It's really too bad, because Dynamix had picked up the Sierra ball and run with it hard. Sierra itself would go on to be essentially a nonentity, although I seem to recall the original ads for Half-Life having that distinctive Mt. Half-Dome logo on them... Modern systems need to run it in DOSBox, a pretty darn stable DOS emulator. DOSBox does screen and video capture, too, which means this'll probably be a hybrid LP with occasional embedded YouTube videos - without me talking on a microphone. The computer I'm using doesn't have one.
About Copy Protection: The original Willy Beamish came with some feelies:
- a coupon sheet/menu from the local pizza parlor, which had the quick launch instructions on the back and was purple and otherwise not really needed.
- Willie's Notebook, which had a bunch of in-jokes for Sierra fans, some insight into the main character's (pretty standard) sibling rivalry, his obsession with Nintari, and a single item on a single page that is the solution to a puzzle very close to the end of the game.
Willy's Notebook Willy's Notebook was a blue, spiral-bound notebook that came with the game. As I said before, it had one real purpose in the game: A single page of the notebook had information needed to pass a puzzle. Still, it's worth taking a look at to give you an idea of the world and the characters in it. The front cover is defaced in standard middle-school style. He's stuck a sticker for his favorite game (Monster Squad) on it, which has begun to peel. He's drawn a Nintari logo on it, then put a Kilroy on the Nintari logo. (Yes, I'm keeping [[BlandNameProduct Nintari]] in my clipboard for this whole review, why do you ask?) It's got stains all over it, and given that he probably keeps it in his backpack, and what else he keeps in his backpack, I really don't want to know what those stains are. The cover helpfully informs us that it's made by Meed, it is "Private Property of W.B." and Nintari "Rules". (I guess he put the quotes on for emphasis. Willy's a Troper, and he's using Wiki Markup IRL!) The first page tells us "KEEP OUT OR DIE! Stop B4 its 2 late!" Remember being that young? Despite my age, I sure do. The next two pages are the Sierra/Dynamix hintline and boilerplate for it, followed by The Curse of Willie Beamish.
|Willie's idea of a curse.|
This was supposed to be about someone real! Actually, Ms. Glass, it is. Unfortunately. Willy's a bit obsessed with Nintari, keeping track of his high scores and his efforts to achieve landmarks such as 1,000,000,000 and 2,000,000,000. Yes. Those are billions. Also, apparently Monster Squad is the only game for Nintari. Probably for that awesome line "Wolfman's got nards!" Then we get the writing credits for the manual and game, as written by Willy. Apparently, Dynamix is "a swell place to work!" "Swell"? Really, guys? "Swell." Okay.
edited 7th Nov '10 7:43:00 AM by BlackWolfe
Part OneWilly Beamish is broken up into four days. There's a lot of incidental animation in the game - they proudly advertised that they used Disney animators on this project. What this means is that for the first couple of sessions, there's going to be a bit more pictures. There will be occasional pictures of key pieces of dialogue or action in addition to location pictures for places I go. As the game goes on, and more backtracking happens, the pictures will become less frequent. (In fact, I'm going through the next post to see if I can trim some more fat. I'm sure I can.) In addition, they animated almost everything - I'll point out when they don't - and there are some long, less-than-interactive bits ("Meanwhile" cut scenes and so on) that I'll be recording and embedding YouTube videos of. INTRODUCTION Our story begins with Willy falling asleep in an assembly on the last day of school.
- I dunno, Ms. Glass.
- I've got something stuck in my ear. Could you repeat that?
- We can all go home now.
Willy: Oh, man, that "C" I got in music appreciation wasn't my fault. BW How am I gonna explain it to Dad? He's gonna freak! BW
Ms. Glass: Won't your parents be surprised when they see your report cards?
Willy: Wangst about missing the upcoming Nintari Championship.
Ms. Glass: Stereotypical teacher shame in student. BW Someone please interrupt this dialogue!
Carmine: You're in for it now, Willy!
- Oh, that was just my frog,
InappropriatenameforachildspetBW Horny. BW
- Must be something I had for lunch. BW
- No, Ms. Glass.
- Um, no thanks. I feel better already.
- Ohhh... I feel a stabbing pain in my side...
Willy: Awwww!!! The pain... I think I'm gonna throw up. BW
Fat Kid BW: Wait'll ya see the new nurse, Willy. I've been trying to, but you guys won't shut up! And now it's time for...
Nurse: About 300 bucks! BW Does it hurt here? split due to only one YouTube embed per post
edited 31st Oct '10 2:14:43 AM by BlackWolfe
by Willy Beamish This summer, I'm going to escape from Ms. Glass's detention so I can beat the mailman home. Then I'm going to fight a vampire babysitter, win the frog jumping tournament, save the town from a Corrupt Corporate Executive, and FUCKING DOMINATE the international Nintari championships. D-
First, watch your language, young man! Secondly, what was that first one?
- I was just on my way to the bathroom, Coach.
- Mr. Frick gave me permission to be here.
- School's out, and I'm history, Coach. Have a nice day.
- Your wife's taking me to a motel 'cause you can't satisfy her. See ya, loser!
- Mr. Frick gave me permission to be here.
Willy: [Hands over hall pass] Can I go now, Coach? Cross your fingers, Tropers... Coach: Why ya little gold-brickin' pile of possum puke. BW I oughta kick yer butt for that. This ain't nocountry club, boy. Now git with the program, Beamish, and gimme some push-ups. Screw that noise, Coach. Save Scumming ahoy! Coach: You little crumb! This hall pass is phonier than a three dollar bill! I'm sure Mr. Frick will be interested in discussin' the penalty for forgery in Carbuncle School with you! Aw, shitbunnies. It was the response I'd gotten wrong earlier. Bathroom it is, then. Despite what awaits me there... One game load and white Hall Pass later... Coach: This hall pass looks mighty peculiar, Beamish... Oh, screw you game, you're not fooling me with this false tension bullshit, just let me go. Coach: I guess it's a new one. BW You can go now. To... the bathroom. Joy.
Spider grabs Willy and lifts him up, prepared for a pounding. Time for some bribery and an okay joke!
Willy: Hey, Spider, what're you doin' here? BW Just my luck... If I'm not careful, this guy's gonna really bust my chops. BW
Spider: Hey, watcha got in the backpack? Somethin' the Spiderman wants?
- Hey, dude, smokin' ain't allowed in school. BW
- I don't think so, Spider.
- None of your business.
|Note I said "okay joke," not "good joke."|
edited 31st Oct '10 1:31:02 AM by BlackWolfe
Day One Afternoon to NightWhen last we left our Designated Hero, his pet frog had ruined the end-of-the-school-year assembly, he'd escaped detention, he'd given his Nintari BW GameBuddy to a school bully, and the nurse was predictably blonde, airheaded, and stacked. So now, we've gotten home in time to grab the mail from the mail slot. We click on it, and Willy declares his intention to hang onto his report card so he won't get grounded from his Nintari. You know what? Only one thing can make this game more bizarrely cliche! If Willy had a friend and confidant that only he could see. Like... the ghost of his grandfather or something.
Willy: Of course I will, Grandpa. By the way, where ya been hidin'? BW I haven't seen you in awhile.
Ghost Beamish: You haven't needed me for awhile. You've got to watch yourself, boy! Something foul is afoot in the city of Frumpton. BW Anyway, we can go inside now. Let's meet Mom and the kid sister, What's-Her-Name!
Willy: Hey, Duffy. How ya doin', boy?
Duffy: Pant, pant, pant... Hiya, boss.
- Maybe I should take him for a walk.
- I wish that mutt would quit bothering me.
Message: This is Mr. Frick from Carbuncle Elementary School. We've been having discipline problems with your son Willy, again. BW Mr. or Mrs. Beamish, please give me a call today at 555-0772 before 6:00 p.m. to discuss this matter. BW
Message: Sheila, this is Ms. Crabbleton. I ate something which didn't agree with me this afternoon BW, and it's really given me the green apple two-step, If You Know What I Mean, so I won't be able to give Willy and Brianna their music lessons today. Guess I should have known better than to have thirds on the fried chicken livers in the buffet line. Oh well, live and learn. BW
Message: Hello, my name is Bernie Leibowitz with the Employment Bureau. I'm calling for Mr. Gordon
Message: BWTiffany, uh, this is Cliff BW and I was just calling to see if you wanted to go see the Gums & Noses concert with me Friday night. Call me when you get a chance. BW
Message: Beep. There are no messages. Beep. Thank you. I just like to think the prerecorded message actually says the word beep instead of beeping. It makes me slightly happier for having sat through that. (I'm sure the Updated Re-release just has a beep sound. Now we can move on to the kitchen, where, no doubt, the adventure will get underway.
Willy: Great Mom BW, just great. Duffy, not content with delaying the game to show off the awesome "walking the dog" animation loop, is waiting by his food dish. Mom's preparing dinner. To advance, we talk to Mom. Sheila: I'm glad you're home. I'm up to my ears, and I really need your help.
Brianna: MAAAA! I wanna go outside and plaaaayy! This is Brianna, Willy's precocious little sister. BW Sheila: Brianna, you'll just have to wait.
Sheila: Willy, you can unwind after you help me. Brianna's been whining all
Willy: No way, Mom. Brianna's a real pain BW.
Sheila: Then grab that Jinsu knife over there and julienne those veggies for dinner.
The game now pretends to give us a choice, but all we're choosing is the order in which to do our chores. (You can pick the "wrong" option in order to get in trouble, but if you get in too much trouble, you go to a military boarding school.)
- All right, all right. C'mon Brianna. I'll push ya on the swings.
- Okay. Give me the Jinsu knife. I'll get to work on the veggies, but I'm not gonna like it.
- I told you Mom, I've got better things to do with my time. BW
edited 2nd Nov '10 9:59:15 AM by BlackWolfe
Willy: Yeah, yeah, I know. It's so sharp it can cut through a shoe. BW REALISTIC BLOOD SPURTING REDACTED TO
Willy: It's throbbing. I feel faint. BW
Sheila: Don't make such a big deal out of it! You're beginning to sound like Brianna BW. Just go upstairs and take care of it. You're bleeding all over the veggies. BW
Willy: That knife looked rusty, Mom. You think I oughta put iodine on it? BW Annyway, a few more lines of dialogue later, and we're free to go put iodine and a band-aid on Willy's boo-boo.
- I don't need this stuff. I'm in enough pain.
- This might hurt a little, but it's better than getting gangrene.
- Just a band-aid. It'll be fine.
edited 2nd Nov '10 10:07:54 AM by BlackWolfe
Sheila: Where's your father? Everyone's always late around here...
Brianna: C'est coq au vin avec pommes frites et vegetables jubilee. BW
Willy: Shut uppez-vous, ya little show-off. BW
Sheila: Tres bien, Brianna. Willy, don't talk to your little sister that way. BW Your dad should be home by now. I bet he got the big promotion. BW Tiffany: Ya know, Cliff's father is a millionaire, and he's not as old as Daddy. He made his fortune in women's lingerie. Hey, Tropers! Meet Willy's older sister, Tiffany. Can you say The Libby? I knew you could. How about Valley Girl? Not that the answering machine messages didn't make this as predictable as the rest of this first day of the storyline. (Don't worry, things take a turn for the whatthefuck soon enough.) Cliff's dad made a fortune in women's lingerie. Okay. So what does he do now that he's not a gigolo? Willy: And I'll bet he looks pretty cute in it, too! That was actually a pretty good zinger, Willy. Or... or maybe you're fishing for information. Maybe you want to be your own sister's father-in-law someday? Not uncreepy. Tiffany goes on and on about how awesome and rich her boyfriend's dad is. This, of course, makes the impending news from Gordon that much more of a surprise to the player - who, if you'll recall, got an answering machine message for Gordon from an employment agency. We do get this choice line, though: Tiffany: Cliff is like... so intellectual. Ya know what I mean? Well, we know what the word you're using means. I very much doubt you do, but keep telling yourself how smart your boyfriend is. If he was really smart, he wouldn't be in this game. BW Willy shares our sentiment: Willy: Then what's he doin' with you?
edited 2nd Nov '10 9:30:54 AM by BlackWolfe
- Gordon comes in.
- Everyone congratulates him on his promotion.
- They all start making plans for what to do with the money.
- Willy specifically wants $2500 to enter the Nintari Championships. (Relevant to goals you need to achieve through the course of the game.)
- Gordon informs them he's been fired, and he has no backup plan to see them through until he has more work.
- This happens:
- Willy still needs $2500 to go to the championship.
- It ain't happenin', Willy. If mom can't have her facials, you can't have your Nintari championship.
- Here Dad. Sorry about my report card. This isn't going to make your day any better.
- I haven't seen it. Have you seen it, Tiffany?
Tiffany: Maybe Willy should spend a little less time playing Nintari. Oh, you backstabbing bitch. Just for that, you're gettin' a frog to the face later. Anyway, apparently the Nintari has an ignition, and Dad's taking the key and giving it to Tiffany. This must be resolved, or Willy will not get that vital third practice session in that means the difference between victory and defeat.
- You're probably right, Grandpa.
- So what?
Willy: Do I have to?
Sheila: Just do it. I'm busy. Now, the conditioner is in the bathroom. Where Tiffany is. So, we go into the bathroom and exact our revenge. First, we give her the conditioner and ask real nice. Then we beg. She tells Willy to drop dead and telekinetically kicks him out of the bathroom. BW This means war. Then we go back and unleash amphibian horrors upon her. She deserves it. We use Horny on her. Wow, that sounds bad, but not as bad as some upcoming dialogue from Willy... Tiffany: Get that thing outta here! Oh, gross!! YECCHH!!!
Tiffany: MAAAAAAAAAA!!! BW
Tiffany: You won't get away with this, punk! BW
Willy: BWI already did. BW All right! We've got the Nintari key, so it's time to practice! (Quick, scroll up and play that video one more time, 'cause the animation doesn't change at all!) Willy: YEA!! I just know I can win the championships now. That's it. We're done with the Nintari. But not with the key, oddly enough. From then, we just kill time until... Sheila: Willy, it's close to bedtime. ...it's time to end Day One, and end this update. See you soon!
edited 2nd Nov '10 9:16:43 AM by BlackWolfe
edited 2nd Nov '10 5:19:32 PM by EndarkCuli
|What A Swell Place To Work!|
Part ThreeWhen last we left our hero, he had gone to sleep at the end of Day 1. Through Save Scumming, I managed to show a couple of Game Over screens. Today, we finally get to meet Willy's bestest (non-dead, non-amphibian) buds in the whole wide world. Also, Horny lives up to his name. Also, nine year olds knew the difference between love and lust way back in 1991. I, on the other hand, have reached that age where I find that a bit hard to swallow. Also, PLOT HAPPENS. SYNCHRONICITY II! SYNCHRONICITY II, I'M TELLING YOU! It's gonna be a suburban The Shining up in here! Note: If you can't see the annotations (there's one as soon as the video starts, so you'll know) or just want them to be larger, you can watch the video on YouTube. There's a link in the video to the next one.
edited 7th Nov '10 1:56:01 PM by BlackWolfe