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How can I write like Stephenie Meyer?:

 1 Psycho Frea X, Tue, 20th Jul '10 11:03:15 PM from Transcended Humanity
Okay, what you're gonna wanna do is take a large frying pan (preferably iron, but any kind will do) and repeatedly hit yourself in the head so that your motor skills are temporarily disabled. Now be careful! If you hit yourself too hard or too many times, your motor skills may not come back and you'll be stuck in a semi vegetable state. You'll also want to study the human brain a bit before hand so you'll know precisely where to hit so that you don't accidentally grant yourself psychic powers somehow. Sure it seems fun at first, but after the first couple of heads accidentally explode, completely ruining my tux and making Sally Winfield run away from me at prom it loses its appeal.

Either way, after you've achieved the desired level of mind numbing stupor, you can then proceed to randomly select the fictional creature that you wish to ruin completely. I would suggest Frankenstein's Monster or a Rhode Islander (c'mon, who here knows anyone who's ever been to or knows someone else who's been to Rhode Island? Exactly! It's a fictional place), neither of which are commonly depicted in horrible romance novels.

Once you have your monster selected, you'll need a Mary Sue. Now, you're gonna want to at least vaguely appear like you've attempted to make the character an actual character. To subtly hide the character's perfection, you should pretend there's some kind of flaw to the character which you should bring up frequently, but never show. Y'see, readers are like wild animals. If they see weakness, they'll attack and kill your avatar. Readers are the one thing capable of killing your character. How they do this can't be explained, know only that they do. To avoid this, you should only feign weakness lest your character fall to their might.

Y'see, the story is only half about ruining a mythical creature by making it a teenager. The other half is protecting your avatar. To do this, you should slip in some kind of hypnotic subliminal message on the cover that will target adolescent females making them into a formidable army. In this way, your army of zombie fangirls will rise up in your defense whenever your character is attacked, with deadly consequences. Your hypnosis will also allow you to have an increase in sells. But that's more of a side effect, really.

Now, with this knowledge go forth and conquer the world of literacy.

 3 iluvtvtropes, Wed, 21st Jul '10 1:10:53 AM from Cloudcuckooland
O_O

Is this something that's even appropriate to joke about?
stupid logo redesign makes me change my avatar!
Banned
Well according to her Just have no idea what vampires are like in other fiction and then your set...sniffing paint is also and potion that last part is a joke don't sniff paint.
[[User Banned]]_ My Pm box ix still open though, I think?
...
Writing like Stephenie Meyer is actually much harder than it seems. You have to balance just the right amount of illogic, one-dimensionality, mediocrity and disturbing "romance", so that your work can be picked out of dozens of other bad writers' excretions, while also appealing to masses of teenagers with...less than optimal intellect.
...
First and foremost, your writing must appeal to that irrational squee instinct. Actual good writing is optional. Don't forget the sparkles too.

 7 Tidal Wave 17, Wed, 21st Jul '10 9:52:48 AM Relationship Status: Singularity
Just have a teenage girl with the personality of a block of cheese-Scratch that, cheese has a better personality than this character-be surrounded by overbuff guys equally lacking personalities who spend chapters talking about how perfect and beautiful the girl is.

There, that's the Twilight series in a nutshell.

I actually do enjoy the books, even though I found out that Bella is a total Mary Sue.

edited 21st Jul '10 9:53:06 AM by Tidal_Wave_17

Also known as Katz
Hmmm...I've got a Twilight clone in the works that I should resurrect. It's about a time-traveling cyborg, but not a murderous one; more of a sexy, angsty teenaged one.

 9 voiderofwarranties, Wed, 21st Jul '10 11:52:16 AM from the cliffs of insanity
kind of stupid actually
Somebody should set up an RP of a writing club where a bunch of people who hate Twilight but are horrible writers decide to learn how to write like her first and then move up to actual decent writing.

By scientifically examining it.
Real life has become a mountain that must be conquered epically. Cutting back on intarwebz for a bit.
 10 Major Tom, Wed, 21st Jul '10 11:56:59 AM Relationship Status: Barbecuing
Eye'm the cutest!
^ Get all the writers here to do that For Science!?
Endless Conflict: Every war ends in time, even supposedly this one.
so much butthurt in this thread, I'm assuming that's what the OP was aiming for though.

I haven't read twilight and I never will, but S. Meyer has a unique power over millions of girls, and a big pile of money to sleep on. Horrible writer or no, if I had those two things I'd be set for life.

 12 Wheezy, Wed, 21st Jul '10 12:19:26 PM from Tampa, FL. Again.
(That Guy You Met Once)
^ Both of those things may or may not last the next decade.
Sexy Back
The people in this thread need to note that the OP said write like Stephanie Meyer, not write a story like Twilight.
Cria fama y echate a dormir

Musings
 14 Mapi, Thu, 22nd Jul '10 1:42:01 AM from Sakurakou Keionbu
"keionbu ni yokusou, nyan?"
Spam Purple Prose and attempt to shoujo-fy your work. Also, lack of relative real-world logic helps.
 15 Psycho Frea X, Thu, 22nd Jul '10 4:40:16 AM from Transcended Humanity
LOL Mammalsauce true that PSYCHO STYLE!!!

A stupid question like this was bound to get entertaining answers PSYCHO STYLE!!! ^-^

But then i guess it might still be fun to write some So Bad, It's Good work just for laughs though. I might think about something like that PSYCHO STYLE!!!
like this
we are not the same
you will hear my voice
Also known as Katz
It actually is a lot of fun. I mentioned my cyborg one; my sister wrote a zombie one (warning: the link is a PDF) that was pretty funny.

1/ Be a girl
2/ Write wish fulfilment fantasy (or just copy someone on fanfiction.net)
3/ Publish.
= Profit!

edited 22nd Jul '10 12:35:57 PM by Vree

"so much butthurt in this thread, I'm assuming that's what the OP was aiming for though.

I haven't read twilight and I never will, but S. Meyer has a unique power over millions of girls, and a big pile of money to sleep on. Horrible writer or no, if I had those two things I'd be set for life."

Argument ad populum at it's finest.

See ALL the stars!
"I don't care about the quality of my writing if it makes me rich" is a fallacious argument?
Da Rules excuse all the inaccuracy in the world. Listen to them, not me.
Math guy
If we're talking prose, try this analysis.
Pronounced "shy guy."

I have spent 4 months of my life outside my home country. Paste this into your sig with your data!
 22 Jewely J, Thu, 21st Oct '10 10:00:40 AM from where the food is
I dunno I tried writing a blatant Mary Sue and got Oscar Wilde. Huh maybe I should have had her whine about random stuff more. XD
 23 deathjavu, Thu, 21st Oct '10 2:55:33 PM from The internet, obviously
This foreboding is fa...
Just cater to a demographic that's been underutilized by other writers thus far, slather your bland story together with tons of fanservice and one-dimensional characters, don't waste any time editing/making it good, and voila! Instant cash!
Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna.
 24 Lance Manley, Thu, 21st Oct '10 11:41:17 PM from Ontario, Canada
I'm watching you. ಠ_ಠ
I suppose pound your head on a keyboard for a few hours and go from there.
Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil. ~ C. S. Lewis
From the overall negative opinion in this thread, let us just say that the original mission of Anti Shurtugal, Twilight Sucks and many other anti sites has been a success.
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Total posts: 26
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