WINGMAN: Tour de Air Force

Mack Maloney's Wingman series should be an interesting first liveblog, it looks nice and pulpey. Let's see how it goes, shall we?

About the book: Wingman is the first of a series that was taking up a significant portion of my library’s For Sale bookshelf, so I picked up the first two for a dollar. They are “Zebra Men’s Adventure Novels”, cue pothole to unfortunate implications. If these are good (or entertaining) I’ll pick up the rest. The covers all show first person view of the cockpit of a fighter going for a gun kill, the art looks fit for the front of an Atari box.

Prologue: Ransom Notes in the Sky

We open with our hero determining the make, model, and maintenance problems of an approaching airplane solely by sound. The Piper Cub’s engine makes him realize that he’s been living out of his old vacation cabin for the past two years, which lets us segue nicely into just why he’s been living in the mountains, likely cultivating a beard, and setting traps.

It appears that the Vice President was evil (That you, Dick?) and has somehow allowed the Russians to win and effectively snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

Our hero reminisces…

It all began on Christmas Eve while our hero while training to become a Shuttle pilot hears the news from about an attack in Europe.

Suddenly: SCUDs “Tens of thousands of them”!

Upon receiving news that the filthy, dirty, unclean, reds are invading our as of yet nameless hero returns to the Air Force and goes blue. Blue? Yes, blue, he’s a Blue Angel, although they’re known as the 16th Tactical Fighter Wing when they’re not doing air shows.

Fighting for Mom, apple-pie, and the American way allows him to fly 37 sorties (missions) without food or rest.

All of this fighting culminates in a massive air battle: 200 square miles (518 square kilometers) of airspace (shouldn’t that be cubic?) and 4000 aircraft (4 kiloaircraft), ending in a glorious victory for the west.

Unfortunately, after surrendering and signing an armistice, the USSR launches a nuclear attack wiping out Middle America (no great loss) along with the ICBMs. It wouldn’t have worked if Dick hadn’t made it his first official move upon entering the Oval office when the President’s been assassinated to shut down the Star Wars defense system, but sera sera.

After recounting this too us, the hero notices that the plane is towing a sign, with the letters cut out of different signs, bearing the message “HUNTER-REPORT TO OTIS-JONES”.

This causes our hero some confusion, before he remembers that his name is Hunter, that Otis is an AFB, and Jones is the general cum wingman cum father-figure who I’m now almost certain will betray him at some point, or die heroically. After he remembers who he is, he packs up and heads out.

Let’s make a character sheet for Hunter, shall we? Name: Hawk Hunter (I looked at the back.) Skills: Trapping, hunting, flying an F-16, and memory loss. Inventory: Beard(?)

Edit: He's a Thunderbird pilot, not a Blue Angel, The Angels are a similar unit but they're a Navy squad and fly the F/A-18. I feel stupid.

edited 19th Sep '10 8:05:17 AM by HungryJoe

Ah, yes, I've heard of this (in the "pulp snark" thread on the ASOIAF boards) apparently they get weirder and weirder as the series goes on.

The author seems completely aware of how bad they are though :p

One of the later books has Southern Neo-Nazi's in F-4s.

Chapters are short, so I'll condense.

Update in the near-ish future.

We open with our hero determining the make, model, and maintenance problems of an approaching airplane solely by sound

>:( That's my job!

The Piper Cub’s engine makes him realize that he’s been living out of his old vacation cabin for the past two years, which lets us segue nicely into just why he’s been living in the mountains, likely cultivating a beard, and setting traps.

This guy must have some pretty crappy memory, and he sounds like either a lumberjack or a Goon. Odds are even on both.

This causes our hero some confusion, before he remembers that his name is Hunter, that Otis is an AFB, and Jones is the general cum wingman cum father-figure who I’m now almost certain will betray him at some point, or die heroically. After he remembers who he is, he packs up and heads out.

...Scratch that, he's got a horrible memory.

Suddenly: SCU Ds “Tens of thousands of them”!

They're all Scud ballistic missiles? Those things wouldn't be able to reach the US from the USSR (I think)!

They didn't, it was a surprise attack on Europe. And now that people are interested I have to finish up the first chapter write up, don't I?

Yes, if only so I may mock any aeronautical mistakes.