To steal a phrase from Ashens' videos (and gentlemanorcus' troper page), hello, good evening and potato. Back in the distant mists of history (August), I posted a liveblog about Mark Moore's infamous fanfiction Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament
. I gave up, eight chapters in out of 50. Because it was boring. I don't think you understand how boring it is. BORING BORING BORING
In fact, I almost typed "BOEING BOEING BOEING" there. How appropriate, because tonight's presentation is Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen
, the fanfic that introduced the world to half-breads. This one should be an easier go, not only because it's short (8 chapters) but because it's a more animated level of awful than MSG Tournament
Without further ado, HEY! HO! LET'S GO!
Chapter 1: Atlantiana
From the get-go, it's obvious that our
perpetrator Rebecca Laura Jane Audrey Mac Millan
(a.k.a. beckymac666) is a devoted reader of the Tara Gilesbie canon, right down to including an "AN" at the beginning of the chapter, the "666" and the obscene number of X's. Let's see what evil lurks, shall we?
''AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time! btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal ok! no critisism pls! tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) x x x x x x x love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx
UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.''
Becky spells a bit better than Tara, as you can see. At least she manages to make an excuse for her bad spelling, viz. dyslexia and the mysterious new condition of "unformality", but if she was really dyslexic she would probably have help. Oh wait, there is a proofreader (Vicki, presumably the equivalent of Raven), but she still lets a lot of mistakes past. God, if this is what the fic is like with a proofreader, what was it like on its first upload? I shudder to think.
Right, enough ado, let's read. Basically, this whole first chapter is describing the main character. The name of this being is Atlantiana (Jesus that's a pain to type) Rebekah Loren, but "everyone calls [her] Tiana or just plain Tiaa", so that's what I shall do. She is a 16-year-old girl and lives in Forks, Washington unnecessary exclamation mark. As opposed to icy blue eyes like limpid tears and long ebony black hair down to my mid back, Tiaa's hair is long and pale like spun gold and "skims" to her waist like a pale shimmering amber mist and her eyes are deep forgetminot blue. Like Ebony, she is also pale, but at least she has the decency not to cake on the makeup - her delicate fentures actually are
lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight (so, grey and trampled, then?).
Anyways, a lot of sleazy and ugly and HORNY older guys tell her she looks like a model or a bunny girl and try to make opt with her, which is disgusting and weird. Actually, that is disgusting and weird. A lot of the girls she meets tell her she's anorexic which she isn't because it's SERIOUSLY disrespectful to people with real eating disorders. More words of wisdom from Becky then. They were just being BIATCHES especially one girl named Ellie Mayfair who she hopes DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE. She says that she isn't a batch, but so far, yes she is.
Bah, I've written all that on ONE PARAGRAPH. Blabbity blah, big boobs but really thin, likes people staring at her, lip ring, indigo and magenta highlights, listens to COOL music (which according to Becky's profile page is "linken park,fall out boy,paramore,greenday and mrc". MRC? Linken Park? What are those bands? I've never heard of them!). Standard-issue Emo!Sue. Let's get to the story.
So it's Tiaa's first day in Forks High School, because she moved there with her foster parents Dave and Marie, who I bet will never be mentioned again. Her mother died in a car crash and she never knew her father. More Emo!Sue, then. Loads of people freaking stared at her as she walked down the hall. She was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and MY IMMORTAL FLASHBACKS OH GOD WHY. She gets pointed at by big pink cheerleader imbosils and pays no at-tension to the horny little donkeys trying to ask her out (thank you, Becky, for giving me the mental image of Donkey from Shrek
asking Ebony out). Her first day was relay bored and she gazed at the grey cloud-embittered sky. Her teachers looked at her disprovable (what were they trying to prove? That she's a Sue? Well, her teachers are dumbasses then).
Oh, and she's a
Gothic too. Whoop de friggin' doo. She has four piercings in her ears and she has a tattoo of a gothic cross and a scorpion tattoo, like her birthsign (Scorpio, shared with the author. Coincidence?). She has a birthmark of a seven-pointed star. When she sleeps she hears whispers in another language and can't remember them when she wakes up and sees weird faces and her birthmark sometimes glows bright gold and gets relay hot. Will these be explained? Somehow I don't think so.
She sits alone at lunch and sees an "unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features". This is Edward, but you already knew that. Also, kudos for inventing the word "tusseted", not describing Edward's hair as "bronze" or his eyes as "topaz", and conjuring the image of a giant shellfish with the description of "tall and mussel". Bella comes up and drapes over Edward like a flesh-eating plant (PLEASE EAT HIM BELLA KTHXBAI) and Tiaa at least has the good grace not to pilch with another girl's BF. So she goes to the locker room and smocks "bald drugs" (?!?!?!?!?!). Oh and OMG Edward is there.
She walks to her next class and bumps into Edward (so he's not just a giant mussel, he's a TELEPORTING giant mussel) and her bocks fell everywhere. FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK! She yells "WTF! Watch where you're FREAKING going asshole!". Apparently Tiaa has anger problems, which extend to self-censorship too. Edward says "I'm so so sorry" in a voice like wet heaven (at least he doesn't have an incandescent chest or the voice of a glorious archangel) and "please forgive me my lady". End of chapter.
So, what do I think? Well, My Immortal
is still essential Goth!Sue fic reading, but this is probably number 2. In a technical sense, it's better (less "randomly mashing a keyboard with my head", more Rouge Angles of Satin
- the constant use of "relay" makes me think the Vicki replaced "really" with "relay" for every instance), and Tiaa isn't as much of a sociopathic black hole than Ebony. In fact, Edward so far seems more sympathetic than Book!Edward, and his descriptions are a lot more original (Stephenie Meyer, PLEASE put giant teleporting mussels in your next book). Of course it isn't good, or even not bad, but I actually want to read more...
Insert vaguely inspirational quote here.