Due to not having much to do, I'm gonna do Chapter 3! I hope all your minds are sufficiently melted, it's great hearing different opinions on this trainwreak chop-suey.
Chapter 3: my new skool
Obviously English Grammer is quite low in the teacher's priorities.
AN: im jus crankin dem out!1 if dis keepz up i jus mite publish it!
I...What, no! Can you imagine this as a best-seller?! I'm just picture book-signings becoming sites for drive-by shootings and excessive bling. Although the thought of Stephanie Meyer in a pimp-hat would be too funny to ignore.
da next day me an hary went doun 2 da big kitchin where all da chillin were chillin :)
Okay, so calling children children is no longer cool, much like going to bed before midnight, so now they're chilling. That's gotta get seriously confusing, and I don't know how he missed the opportunity for an ice pun, otherwise he'd be a "cool" guy.
i sat down at a tabel nex 2 a pak o crackers whu sayd "boi u cnat sit here!"
Please don't tell me Turtle becomes the Rosa Parks of Hogwarts, just...NO. Bad author! Bad! No biscuit!
"y" i sed "u haf 2 sit at da bak of da kitchin!"
He's totally going for it...I seriously cannot believe we're 3 chapters in and the Civil Rights Movement is going to be re-enacted by this clown!
den hairy came down an sayed "dun mind him. dat tabel is fo da snake ppl. ur a ravencaw! u hav 2 sit at da ravenclaw tabel!" so we sat at da ravinclaw tabel. "dun mind dat cracker. daz rassist."
Wait a second, if he seems to dislike white people, why is he sitting next to them in the first place? Isn't usually the case to sit next to people you know? And I like how Slyetherin (Typo I know, not too familiar with Potterverse) people are just called SNAKE PEOPLE, making them seem more sinister somehow.
"ok" i sed "des r mi frinds" dere wuz a pretty gurl named herman.
Well he DID say he was going to introduce Soulja to the pretty girls! I guess he's a man of his word, I doubted you Harry, but you pulled through! Bravo! (Claps)
she fell in love wit me. it wuz so grat. we had brekfast togedder.
As we all know, true love can only be found in cereal and toast. If you haven't had sex with anyone after having breakfast with them, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YA?!
den we went 2 skool.
Errmmm...you ARE in school. Just thought you'd want to know that.
furst we had magik class. the teecher wuz an old womin wit glases and an ol droopy suit. "letme see wut u can do" she said. i pointed at da ground. "fried chikin" i sed.
Subsequently the teacher beat Soulja to death for being so utterly stupid for thinking his food conjuring magic was that impressive.
sum fried chikin apered on da flor. she piked it up an took a bit. "yum yum" she sayed and eatted it all.
Say it with me everyone...OM NOM NOM. Internet memes are awesome, aren't they?
"i no wut class u should go in. u shud go in da blak magic clas." "wut" i sed.
First the table incident and now this!? Hogwarts has no decency! None I say!
"dun worri, im nut rassist" she sad. "sum children r good at blak magik whil odders r wite magik."
Wait, a SENSIBLE ANSWER? I must be dreaming.
"well ok" i sed she gave us lots o homwork.
Thank goodness she didn't give them any HOME-work!
we had mor classes.
But none of them were that interesting!
den hary tok me outsid. "heres a bromstik" he said. and he gave me a bromstik. "wats dis 4?" i sed. "4 bromstiks fool! harry sed."
"A gun? What's this for?" "For guns fool!" "A banana? What's this for? For bananas fool!" "A dildo? What's thi-" You get the idea.
"dunt get hurt turtle" sed herman.
Soulja! Remember the soup we had! I will never forget the way you ate food with your mouth!
"now dis is wut u hav 2 catch" sed hary and he took out a ball wit wings. it flu in2 da ski. but u hav 2 dog dis cuz it will try an hit u" he took out a big blak ball that hit me in mi hed. "ow i sed" "sorry" sed hary. he took out his wand an sed "go away" and the big blak ball flu into da sky.
What is worrying is that Soulja is not surprised by any of this, there's no "WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" reaction, nope. It's just "Sure, okay", I think someone who previously lived in the Ghetto might be a bit more amazed to see a FLYING BALL WITH WINGS.
den he tok da biggist ball of dem all.
it looked lik a soccer ball. "u have to pass dis so it goes into da hols." he throgh it at me an i caut it. "UR AMAZING" sed harry potter.
Soulja caught Harry's big black ball...Eeerrrgghhhh.
so we flew up in da sky an began 2 play. mi ballz startd 2 hurt.
Great, now I'm picturing not so pleasent images.
"my balls hert!" i sed. "sit on it lik dis" sed harry potter. an i did.
And now we've come across one of the most common phrases of this story, "And I did." It's as daft as it sounds, he did what exactly? I know its just a sitting position but the fact I'm complaining about this in the midst of the stupid that is imma wiserd
should be a warning.
meanwhile we playd an alot o ppl came arond an watcht ud. dere wuz so many of dem dat dey filed up all da seets. dey wa cherin. den i saw da flin bal. i didnt wan t harry to see it so i sed "imma gonna go up here fo a whil"
Death Note's tennis match is seeming more sensible isn't it! What must their reaction be? "Holy crap, Harry's introducing someone to our sport! It's a momentus occassion!"
"wel alrit as log as u dont cach da snickers!" "ok" i sed lik i didn se it. "wel ok" sed harry potter "bcuz im aboot to put da ball in ur hole!"
Sure, pretending you don't know what you're doing is a good tactic, but saying "I'm going over here" doesn't quite work. Football matches would be full of people pretending the ball doesn't exist if that was the case.
i went up but wen i wuz abutt to get it a guy in a big blak cap came in on his brommsticks. He poented his wond at me "die".
To be fair, Soulja is so annoying he should have seen this coming. I mean, he GOES to Hogwarts, he SITS at the wrong table and is sent to MAGIC class, those are grounds for death! Someone making an honest and simple mistake whilst going to magic class in a magic school deserves to suffer the wrath of...Whoever this guy is.
i den fel off mah bromstik. "AHHHHHHHHH!111111111" i sed.
When screaming, make sure to shout numbers whilst doing so. It helps your throat.
"TURTLE!11111" sed herman.
Case in point.
da ppl scremd when i wuz fallin.
When hearing the school grounds that day, a new Millenium puzzle was created.
it hit da grund. then i died.
YES! OH THANK CHRIST THIS IS OVER WI-
There's another chapter.
edited 22nd Nov '10 12:00:13 PM by Temascos1