The "bitch about your GM" thread

Things you shouldn't do as GM in a Legend Of The Five Rings campaign:

Overpowered Mooks - the infamous "Ninja Pirate Akutsukai Robot Monkey Zombies". Dressed in black and wearing white porcelain masks, those guys had AC of 25 or so, 3 or 4 Agility and 3 Kenjutsu, 50 HP with no wound levels (60 and 1st rank techniques for "bosses") and a Damage Reduction of 5. And oh, each hit from their swords (uh huh) forced you to roll Earth at a TN of 15 OR MORE to avoid getting Tainted. And all that in the lovely forests of Unicorn lands... And equally lovely cliffs of Crane lands... And OTOSAN FUCKING UCHI. For comparison, the only fighter (a Kaiu Ronin. Read - no combat techniques) had AC of 20, 3 Agility and 2 Kenjutsu (later 3 Kenjutsu and AC of 25). Also, those were pretty much the only enemies that appeared during play, with the exception of a village full of phantoms that couldn't even touch the party and three Crab samurai that ambushed my ronin after they recognized him (Enemy at 5 and Dark Secret). The one-sided fight (1 vs. 2 Hida and a shugenja) ended with two dead (one Hida and my Ronin) and one seriously injured (another Hida I clocked).

Look, The NP Cs Are So Awesome! - traveling with Dojikko courtier and Clint the Ronin were at least three samurai of quickly made up Wolf clan (a minor one). Of course, they were just as overpowered as the mooks, with no original techniques - instead, the GM stole various techs from major clans and liberally applied the "Multiple Schools" advantage, creating such unholy fusions as a guy with Bayushi and Hida 1st rank techs. Among them was the daimyo's son, being one sexy beast, with a made-up ise-zumi tattoo of suspiciously unimpressive power (improving smell and hearing). Now, a little quiz: the GM's IM handle is "Astral Ryu". Now guess the NPC's name, and the first two guesses don't count.

Maho, Maho Man - what I discovered by paging through various splatbooks (more exactly, "Bearers of Jade") was the undoubtedly interesting fact that another of the NP Cs, a shugenja, blew up a good handful of Overpowered Mooks with "No Pure Breath" without cutting himself for it to work. He didn't grow tentacles or any other funky Shadowlands shit from that either.

Tainted Love - if you thought that being wounded by the ninja zombie monkeys was our only problem with Taint, I can assure you it wasn't. For a reason I cannot comprehend, one of the plot points was a plague. No, sorry, "Day of the fucking Living Dead" would be a better term. During it, each character had to roll Earth + 2 dice three times, without using Void - at T Ns of 20, 25 and 30 - every time he left the cozy castle of the local daimyo to seek the four Evil Artifacts Of Evil hidden in the city. As a Polish saying goes, "if a stick doesn't work, use a truncheon." After half an hour, the whole party had 5 points of Taint each. All that a week's worth of travel from Otosan Uchi.

SNK Boss - More correct term for one happening in a RPG would be "That One Boss", but that doesn't cut it, especially after "Those Hundred Overpowered Mooks". After we retrieved the four Evil Artifacts of Evil (a DR 20 armor, horridly overpowered demon sword able to possess any character being in the same room and boosting his stats to ungodly levels, a mask and a tessen), some idiot NPC decided that it'd be just ducky to try them on. The result?! Guy with 64 HP (uh-huh, Earth 4), AC around 35, DR 20, 3 or 4 Agility, 4 Kenjutsu and 7k3 damage. Our Mirumoto with truly sick AC (30 or 35, depending on the Dragonfly tattoo working or not) was quickly made his bitch, my Shiba got floored soon after, only thanks to GM's girlfriend playing an Otaku War Maiden we managed to deal whopping 18 damage using called shots with Yomanri, and then the session ended. My guess is that both Otaku and the Dojikko are going splat at the beginning of the next session and then we lynch the GM. Unless...

I Will Torture You With My Epic Story - the normal way of bailing out from such an adventure would be throwing the towel by committing an act of heroic stupidity in one of the absurdly uneven fights. The normal way of fixing such an adventure would be adjusting the amount and strength of opponents. What the GM does instead is some weird healing by a mysterious force. As soon as the whole party is getting it up the ass, something miraculously heals them and NP Cs walk in to mop up the opposition. Humiliating? That's a way of putting it very gently. Add the story having a feel of being frankensteined out of unrelated bits, flagrant disregard of in-world rules (Wolf clan is only one part of it) and no ability to build the mood. Welcome to the crazy train, leaving from Mura no Oushikuso (or, simply, Bullshitville) and going worse by worsewest, with a broken bridge over the Festering Pit of Too Long as its destination.

Rokugan Is Not Japan And I Have No Fucking Clue What It Is, Then - being tortured with an "epic" story (which actually is just as epic as "Eragon" or the vile T-Book responsible for the recent outbreak of teenage emo zombie girls infatuated with Undward Sparklin') could actually be bearable if the GM's vision of Rokugan was more Japanese. Instead, my ronin was forced to get down in a muddy well and gather the bones of murdered samurai dumped there just to push the plot forward, because there were no eta around, not counting the cursed phantoms who wanted to kill us for discovering their secrets (not mentioning that we had no knowledge of Shintao and no shugenja to lead the funeral rites). A young Bayushi courtier was murdered in the Dojikko courtier's family castle - any other adventure would explain it as a delicious political intrigue involving a lot of plotting, this one explained it with a Zombie Monkey Ninja. We're lugging an Oni-in-a-box (yeah, seriously, don't worry, it's sealed) to a Dragon monastery (wish I knew what for). Samurai go shopping for items of vanity (books, fans, kimonos) and ask for prices because the GM wasn't arsed to explain they shouldn't. The party calls each other by their last names, for the same reason. Instead of Rokugan we have some ambiguously Japanese fantasy land. I think that John Wick is crying in his office right as he reads this.

Things You Shouldn't Do As A GM In A Vampire The Masquerade campaign:

Look, The NP Cs Are So Awesome! - see case above. This time, with no Overpowered Mooks in sight (and the Brujah Detective's lovely Childe as the designated asskicker), the Awesome NP Cs appear to suggest that our characters landed in an adventure they shouldn't land in. One example would be a generic, suspiciously helpful Tremere appearing whenever the plot required arcane knowledge and/or use of magic to be pushed forward. A good GM should know what his characters can do and avoid creating plot points that require something they can't do (and, especially, avoid resolving them via a Hand Wave or Ass Pull). Also: two NP Cs have names taken from Star Ocean. And both are Mary Sues - slightly crazy Prince of ambiguous Clan ancestry and a mage who tends to flirt with vampire chicks (if they're PLAYED by chicks, of course).

Thirty Xanatos Pileup - I'm still confused which one of the two organizations was killing vampire pedos, which one kidnapped the Brujah Detective, why did Prince even bother and how did mages, werewolves and vampires cooperate.

Improbability Parade - a strange combination of Ass Pull, Fridge Logic, Did Not Do The Research and They Just Didn't Care. It reached an apex in the Victorian Age campaign, where the party was introduced to a FUCKING SHAPESHIFTING DRAGON and then got trapped in some magical cinema where they had to deal with a generic western, generic World War 2 movie, Aliens, Starship Troopers and Star Wars. Well, the last one was So Bad, It's Good, but the inability to build the mood put me off.

"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis

If anyone complains about me here...

...den WUT?! o_0

"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis

Things you shouldn't do as a GM in ANY tabletop RPG:

Change or remove spells and/or special abilities just because you don't like them - I can understand nerfing or prohibiting some spells because they're overpowered. I can't understand discarding them completely and replacing them with some bullshit that is just as game-breaking, if not worse, than original, while having no relation to the original and/or the game world. Yes, my GM again. Dumb motherfucker.

edited 20th Sep '09 3:56:27 AM by NotSoBadassLongcoat

"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis

How about the fact that any random person you encounter in San Fransisco while playing V:tM just happening to be a vampire with a lower generation than you, despite the fact that you dumped a crapload of points into being 8th gen during character creation? My friend and I have been known to pick up guitars and write improptu songs about taking my character's ghouls to a deli to grab some lunch and walking in on all the Antediluvians gathered together for poker night. Note that our ST has gotten a little better about this as late.

edited 20th Sep '09 9:31:24 AM by darnpenguin

Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)

The only GM I've ever played under has ADD, which means that concentration is an all-or-nothing thing for him. In game terms, that means that either he would run with any random tangent that a player happened to bring up, if it struck his fancy, or we were railroaded so hard that we could have filed a class-action suit against Amtrak and won.

This same GM was also notorious for completely breaking the mood of the game with his creative use of the English language, such as telling us that the treasure we were looking for was sitting on a "pedestool," or describing a senior citizen as an "olderly" person. And when we were unable to restrain our laughter at these and other such gaffes, instead of correcting himself and moving on, he would threaten our characters with random loss of health unless we took him and his game seriously immediately.

Then there was the campaign that eventually reached a total of FOURTEEN players because he just couldn't say "no" to anyone who asked to join. Only about half of said players were actually interested in playing; the others just wanted to hang out. It got to the point where it would take upwards of an hour to resolve just one round of combat.

Stuff what I do.

Granny Goodness, what a Malapropist. My G Ms inability to say "Asahina" and "nemuranai" correctly pales in comparison.

Overpowered Mooks. Definitely.

It kinda reminds me of Tenacious D.

I'm trying to explain to my GM that he's a talentless dumbass (I'm basically throwing book after book at him just so he fucking READS instead of making shit up), but I'm getting tired and he's not. All that after my friend, an experienced GM and a fan of L 5 R, said: "I'm crying over your party and what are you forced to go through." I sent him a copy of my first post earlier. :P

"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis

What about G Ms that are more interested their own world and plotline than with going along with the players?

See Post One: "Look, the NP Cs are so awesome!" and "I will torture you with my epic story!"

Also, I'm starting to notice we got pretty much railroaded in some places, even the death of my ronin (it could be averted if my friend wasn't hit hard on the head with an Idiot Ball and didn't pull some stupid shit that could - and would, if I was the one GMing - harm the whole party, not just the ronin).

"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis

Hmmm...how about not scheduling a friggin' game for MONTHS at a TIME! That's probably the only gripe I've had recently. Then again, the other player's probably just as much at fault, so...guess I just need to start a new group.

"Dude, I'm not taking religious advice from ANYBODY named 'Darth'!"

Ugh, I know what you mean. Everyone in my Dn D group is ultra-busy all the time. Every other Sunday was a massive improvement from our old schedule.

I'm just about tempted to just build a new group and be the GM myself (which is sayin' something since I HATE G Ming). Then there's the issue of players MIA, but hey, what can ya do?

"Dude, I'm not taking religious advice from ANYBODY named 'Darth'!"

I think I managed to verbally knock some sense into my GM. The zombie monkey ninjas had only 30 HP each (no wound levels, but no schools either) and Armor Class comparable to ours. Well, not counting the boss that was a shugenja with 64 HP, higher AC and inhuman Initiative... and then he flunked the Initiative roll (18 on 4k4), got a headshot from the Otaku (weapon bonus doesn't count to AC versus ranged damage, har har har), focused on Mirumoto (who has SICK AC) and was finished with a lucky critical hit (both damage dice exploded) by the friggin' DOJI COURTIER who was hitting him left-handed (3k3).

"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis

My only complaint is that our GM is taking way too long to set up, but granted, it's a play-by-post (i think) campaign, everyone involved has been super busy, and a few of us (me included) haven't sent in characters yet.

Since I'm new to AFAMBE and I'm too fucking lazy to re-read the sourcebook (I learned Shadowrun 3E rules... the hard way), I'll probably modify an archetype (character's skillset fits pretty close, too, though needs tweaking).

Can't wait to see if the guy playing as a cynical birthday clown is still interested.

edited 25th Sep '09 4:24:04 AM by Dick Richardson

Hello, I'm the President of the United States of America. And you are...?

@NSBL: Why is he even your GM? Why don't you, or another player who may be less qualified or totally unqualified but fully able to learn from mistakes, be the GM?

edited 25th Sep '09 4:43:14 AM by Recon5

Uhh, because nobody else can be bothered to make an adventure up? I'm trying to put something together, but I'm busy with other things, so, yeah.

"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis

Someone's doing a play-by-post All Flesh game? I hope that takes off, I'd like to follow it.

Anyway, the guy I complained about in my above post is now running a game of RIFTS. Yeah, the game you're never supposed to actually run if you value your sanity.

Thankfully he's smart enough to use common sense instead of trying to find the relevant rules anytime we don't know how something's supposed to work, and my character is sufficiently awesome to satiate my inner powergamer. (I'm playing a heavily cybernetically-enhanced minotaur, if you must know. If there's be a problem in this multiverse that can't be solved with one of my handy attachments... well, there's a reason I carry a rail gun.)

edited 25th Sep '09 4:08:27 PM by darnpenguin

Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)

You want a link? I'll give you the Yahoo! Groups URL.

Hello, I'm the President of the United States of America. And you are...?

Yes sir, a link would be great please.

Also, NSBA, are G Ms allowed to bitch back in this thread about players or would that fall under something else?

edited 26th Sep '09 12:06:43 PM by darnpenguin

Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)

Well, players' stupidity should always be taken into consideration by a GM. Unless they got hit by an Idiot Ball, like my ex two sessions ago when she decided not to listen to her hired voice of reason (read: my ronin) and sent him off to get killed by Crab Witchhunters.

"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis

Here it is:

http://games.groups.yahoo.com/group/deadtoronto/

Hello, I'm the President of the United States of America. And you are...?

How about the DM disappearing without a word and then refusing to talk to any of the players

No, I *still* have no idea why he did that.

"No, the Singularity will not happen. Computation is hard." -Happy Ent

...Wait. You think that happens solely to G Ms? Try it with almost all of the players.

-_-

Hello, I'm the President of the United States of America. And you are...?

My complaint about my GM is that I have none at the current time! I'm currently planning on BEING a GM once we get some time to get a Serenity game off the ground, but I also yearn to be a PC sometimes too...

My dumbass fuckwit of a GM threw five level 20 skeleton knights at us in a 4th Ed game. The party was composed of level 12-14 characters.

And it was not helped by the fact that EACH BLOODY FUCKER HAD 5 GODDAMN ATTACKS ON THE CHARGE. Yes, I said FIVE. Each one cranks out about 20 damage, and the to-hit bonus is so big that you can forget about him missing. Needless to say, it was ugly. Even the battlerager had trouble.

Just had to get that out.

If this had been in a game where the GM actually had a clue what he was doing, I wouldn't have minded (though a GM who knew what he was doing wouldn't have done that in the first place). However, this guy is a small-minded, bigoted, jerkass of a paladin fanboi who has no idea how to tell a good story and delights in fucking over anyone who isn't playing a class with the Divine power source.

I quit the game shortly after that incident. Now I hear that he's planning to stop running his game because of a lack of interest.