Aaaand we're back! Where we last left our "heroes," Lucy escaped from the clutches of the POLIZEI to run back home. Time to get into the really... odd
part of this movie. You'll see what I mean shortly. And don't worry, there is an explanation. Not necessarily a sane
one, mind, but it exists. On the back burner, I think I'll put "Figures A and B,"
by hellogoodbye. Oh, maybe you and me / well we could be a team / Well maybe you and me, / just wait and see...
Part 3: Dalmatians 3: Part 2/5: The Reckoning! The insanity continues here
There's actually a little bit of the other video left before this one, but there's not much to it. Lucy runs home, and Charlie gives her his best smug, "Sowhere'syourgingerbreadheartnow
" bit while Lucy sobs pitifully.
"WHERE IS YOUR GINGERBREAD HEART NOW?!"
Yes, Charlie, because when one of my friends runs home bawling, with the other two people she left with conspicuously missing, my first inclination is to ask them if they managed to find the duct tape they went out to buy.
*bing* Turn the page!
"CRYBABYCRYBABYCRYBABYCRYBABY" Charlie taunts. ...You know, I think I might be changing my mind about him. Maybe he is
the most Jerk Ass
-ish one here.
Sexy Crowduck Narrator's friend Nagging Bluebird is not confused by these silly human concepts like "sympathy" and "empathy" like Charlie is. (Maybe that explains his deformities—he's really an android with no knowledge of that thing we call "love!"
) If only she wasn't played by Janet holding her nose. "Just don't listen to him. Where are Pino and Sasha?"
Lucy sheds a Single Tear
as her nose spontaneously melts and reforms. It might be poetic if it wasn't symptomatic of Dingo's art budget. "...on!" she mopes, apparently swerving away from the microphone as she speaks.
Luckily, Nagging Bluebird speaks Dingoese, and helpfully translates for us in a more parrotlike
fashion: "Gone? Whaddoyoumean gone?"
car!" Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. I think you mean a POLIZEI car. What do you think this is, America?
This is Dingoland!
Charlie is sooo nonchalant about Lucy's geographical confusion. "Huh. Just as I thought. Youdidn'thaveanymoney you just wanted to steal the gingerbread heartssss. Ssssss." You're hissin' like a kettle there, Charlie. Sure you're not voiced by a slummin' David Kaye
? Because you're starting to sound a bit like Megatron, yesssss...
While Charlie is talking, we also get a lovely look at the old lady's handsome Spaghetti-O's bushes.
Now you've done it! Lucy's forced to put on... her ANGRY FACE! Her ANGRY FACE, as it happens, does a great job of highlighting the imbalance of her face. When her eyebrows come down, you can see how much higher her back eye (and always her back eye
) is than the front one. Don't worry about your hideous deformity, dear, I'm sure—hey, isn't Picasso hiring models right now?
"No we DIDN'T! We wanted to swap for my bow and Pino's ball and Sasha's doggy bone!"
Oh, well, if there's doggy bones
on the line, then Charlie'll do an about face right there. "Mmmm. Actually not such a bad idea. Mmmmmm." I'm going to assume he's making those noises because he's sucking on an especially delicious hard candy right now. In fact, I think he's been sucking all movie.
"Where can Pino and Sasha beeee? I'm sure things are BAD
for them nooow!"
Well, let's see. They're not currently on-screen. They're not currently being mangled by Dingo's "animators." They're not being voiced by Brad and Janet, and they're not being tormented by Charlie. I don't think this was a capture so much as an escape.
And the policeman was totally a collaborator!
"Yessssss, we can assume that." David Kaye
, it is
you! What are you doing,
man? You've got better things to do with your life than be Brad, man! Find that policeman and get out with them! "Frrgggmbblegrumble took them?"
Man, he's just waggling his tongue in front of the microphone now. I can't even begin
to make them out. As to where they've gone—have you tried looking in Acapulco?
"Noooo. I had to run! For it!"
"If you could stop crying, I could think of something. But as long as you're crying,
Charlie? Her friends just got kidnapped to a better movie and left her behind. I think she's allowed to cry.
If you're really so irritated by it, there is and entire house behind you
that you could go into and find some peace and quiet. Then again, I suppose that would involve making a new background, and we can't have that.
PASS Nagging Bluebird. Technically, she's a part of the scene, so I guess it could be meant to show her concerned face or something. However, this is Dingo, and the only two moods they gave her were "Nag" and "Dull Surprise
." I think that counts as a PASS in this instance.
Luckily, Lucy has magic tears. They go on and off like a faucet! She's suddenly A-OK, smiling like she always does, and asking Charlie (the second she stops) if he's come up with anything yet.
"I think so. Wait here!" Yes, wait here, so the camera can focus on you. We don't want to have to do another exhausting walk cycle, do we?
But Nagging Bluebird flapping her beak(?) is no problem: "I don't think Charlie's so bad after all." Yes, he whines at the puppy who just got abandoned in Dingoland to stop sobbing about her betrayal; clearly a model citizen!
He trots back, with... a briefcase!
Charlie, are you doing that thing? That thing with the fourth wall again? You're not hopping into other movies for fun, are you? Because if you start talking about quater-pounders with cheese, I may have to slowly back away.
DINGOESE, MOTHER RUBBISH—DO YOU SPEAK IT?
"What are you going to do with that?" Lucy sensibly asks.
"It's a laaaptop it belongs to my massster we can go onto the Interneeet with it!"
I mean, I think my laptop probably contains a portion of my soul, but—huh. Wasn't expecting that.
I think it might be that expecting Dingo to have knowledge of anything even remotely resembling "technology" is a little out there for me yet. Lucy isn't happy with this development either:
"I DON'T WANT TO GO ONTO THE INTERNET
I WANT TO GO FIND PINO AND SASHA!"
I don't want to look at your creepy Cat Girl
porn or your weird troll pages on ED or all your uploads of Dingo Pictures movies oh wait.
"Just waaaaaait!" You'll like 4chan, I promise!
Luckily, Charlie knows te world's best search engine: Blank Green Page Without A Text Imput Box! It's so advanced, you can type anywhere on the screen and it'll search for you! Thankfully, Charlie typing with his paws is one of the few things in this movie that actully makes sense—he's a cat,
of course he belongs on the Internet!
Charlie searches for "WhatTheHellIsGoingOnInThisMovie.com," and with its highly-advanced algorithms, Blank Green Page Without A Text Imput Box delivers. "Missing dogs! See? Here we have the results! Dog pound! They've been taken to a dog pound!" I think you mean TIERHEIM, Charlie.
Also: Did you seriously
need to use Google just to find out that stray dogs get taken to the pound?
It mst've been pretty obvious. I mean, it's the only result, and it takes up literally
all of your screen. Imagine if you went searching for, I dunno, stuff on Black Holes, and the results page was just one giant banner, saying
CLICK THIS WIKIPEDIA LINK, MORON!
"And does your laptop know where the—this dog pound is?" Nice save.
"Welll there are only three doggy pounds in our towwn so that should be no problem we're sure to find Piino and Sashhha don't worry!" Man, I think this cat is the reincarnation of Rasputin. They both nom the scenery in the same fashion. And I suppose you two are just going to go driving around to all three of them looking?
"Are you coming wrong?" I know she probably meant to say "along," but that's what it sounds like. I'm not sure what "coming wrong" means, but I'm sure it'll put a damper on your sex life.
"Sure we'll do it first thing tomorrow morning I promise!" Charlie, they're so totally your frenemies. Don't even try to pretend like it's any other way.
Fadeout! I managed to pause at just the right time to see that Dingo's character pictures actually go transparent
during the fade. Classy. I'm sure we're fading to Sexy Ducrow Narrator. Aaaand?
—" OK, I have to address this before the sentence can ever finish.
"You got some 'splainin' to do!
...OK, glad I got that out of my system.
"...Could not. S-sleep. All night. But that was NOTHING
compared to what Pino and Sasha went through. After they were piled—into the POLICE car" (PASS Naggy Bluebird and her identical twin sister) "They were driven through—HALF the town! Or. At least. That's how it felt.
" Janet so desperately wants to pull off a sly "Tee hee hee" here, but it comes off as more of a "Boo hoo hoo." "Help me! I'm trapped voice acting for terrible cartoons!"
"When the car FINAAAAALY
stopped," (obvious yawn) "They were shivering! With fear!
" Yes, can I get a large side-order of shivers, with fear? Thanks! It's the end of the narration, but not the scene, as Sexy Ducrow's rubber bill patterns aimlessly for a good second before the fadeout kicks in. Come on, is it that hard to write Space-Filling Dialogue?
Obviously, it'd be no good if Dingo told us something that happened without showing it to us five seconds later so here's the POLIZEI trundling along to the TIERHEIM. It's a one-and-a-half-story run-down building with a wooden door large enough to run a semi through, and (judging from the size of the door) a roof that's about a centimeter thick.
"SO YOU TWO! YOU STAY HERE UNTIL IT'S BEEN DECIDED WHAT TO DO WITH YOU!" Astoundingly, not only did they animate the POLIZEI-man from the back, they actually gave Sasha and Sashpinomel new animations for being picked up from behind! Judging from the purple wall inside the TEIRHEIM, the TEIRHEIM itself is actually just an elaborate courtyard of some kind.
But it looks like Officer Mc Feedback
has competition! For as he moves inside to set them down, we have...
EVIL DOG MCFEEDBACK!
This guy was the leader of the Wild Dogs back in Animal Soccer World,
and now, he and his jittery head are the obligitory "evil dog" of the piece. "Heheh... two NEW oness! Oooh, welcome to the DOG POUND
Castor and Pollack's!"
What... what the crap is that supposed to mean? Those can't be names, tacked on awkwardly to the end of the sentence like that, can they? Are they the owners? Maybe he's Castor, and Pollack is his split personality when he's in his other frame of animation? OH! I get it! It's a Verbal Tic
, Castor and Pollack! It's just how he talks, Castor and Pollack! This could get annoying, Castor and Pollack!
"Hey! I've heard those names before!" muses Saspinomel.
"Yeees, our PARENTS told us about them they're very EEEE-vil!"
"WHAT are you talking about!" Maybe I was right—we get a closeup of the same dog, but now voiced by Janet! Same animation frames, though. "WE want to know EVERYTHING that's said here so TALK. OUT. LOUD."
Seriously. I think what they tried to do here is have Janet-Dog growling while the other dog—or the POLIZEI—or Saspinomel—I can't tell, it's all just Brad in various states of laryngitis—interrupting her (him? She's doing her "gruff" voice here). But Dingo's sound mixing equipment, in a word, sucks.
So the feedback on the growl plus Braddog Mc Feedback
's natural hiss creates an ungodly hissing yowl that would probably scare the cat off. It's easily the most frightening noise to come out of Dingo ever, and I've watched Animal Soccer World. Braddog said something in the mess, but it's not like I heard it.
Brief shot of someone moving Sasha and Saspinomel's static drawings up and down for a few frames before—oh, hey, it's two of them. Braddog and Janetdog. I'm not sure if they're the aforementioned Castor and Pollack (which would be kind of weird, since it would imply that dogs own the dog pound
) or just the pair's lackey mutts. We'll see.
"You're BOOOUND to feel welcome and comfortable heeeeaaah" growls Braddog. And WOAH! Sudden shot to a lot of other depressed-looking dogs! Let's see—we've got bespectacled dog from Animal Soccer World, Poochie-like dog from the same, Butcher (see above), the gray wolf-dog from their Balto clone (I looked it up) a sheepdog in the back who looks an awful lot like the one from Road Rovers,
and some terrier-thing with a very warning grin on its face. Who wants to cast bets on how many of them will actually be important?
They blink, we see Sasha crying in the corner, and back to the dogs.
Not!Poochie is the first to speak. This time, it's Brad's turn to hold his nose. "Oh yeaaah they caught another tew!" Brad's decided to turn the Cockney up to 11 for Not!Poochie, I see.
Then to the former Butcher: "That's Pino and Sasha!" I gotta give Brad credit: He actually does a pretty good Big Guy
"Duuuuuh—" voice. It's like Big the Cat,
only he doesn't even have a relatively cool character design to make up for his unrelenting stupidity.
Then, Spectacles Dog (he's obviously too smart to call them just glasses
): "It can't
be Crommel and Tooplechin's kids!"
...*Record Needle Scratch
No. No. No.
Dingo, I thought you had plumbed the depths of your laziness already. You reused both a name and that name's character design, but did not even bother to give the same name to that character design. That was more that just stupid—it was brazenly
stupid, so far gone that I could almost accept it as part of your ineffable state of Dingocity. But no. You went ahead and reused the same characrer model's OTHER name in the same work.
You have, in effect, recycled the same character three different times
under different aliases. This is not accident. This is calculated madness.
Despair surges through me. That humanity could be capable of such depravity... And yet I know. I must soldier on. The Abyss awaits, and if I do not take it, no man will. (Pirka might, but then again...
"How did they get here?!" Spectadog asks, incredulous.
HOLY NEW ANGLE BATMAN! Yes, we actually get a brand-new, totally original
head-on-but-sideways pose for Saspinomel and Sasha. The size of their eyes implies the vet just stuck his thermometer in a very uncomfortable place. "AHH MR. BLOOM! BOSS! BUTCH I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" ...Given that these are dogs, I kind of hope that there are no female memebers of this group.
) The heads of Spectadog, Not!Poochie, and Butcher jitter in amusement.
ARRRG! WHY IS DINGO OBSESSED WITH TRYING TO MAKE THE TWO BLACK DOGS SPEAK IN UNISON! They try again to make them say "What's going on?!" in sync, but that way lies naught but madness and FEEDBACK OH DOG. (I tried to type "OH GOD" there, but I think the typo is appropriate.)
"Somehow those two LOOK FAMILIAR!" Jeez, no need to shout, Janetdog.
"Yurrite! That's Crommel and Tooplechin!" ...No, I really have no idea about that name either. You'll just have to live with it. It's so patently ridiculous I can't even think of anything funny to add to it. It's a joke all by itself. Anyway: "You remember them!"
"And how I do! But those AREN'T Crommeland Tooplechin
theymustbetheirCHILDREN! Aha ha ha... ha... haaaaa..." Janetdog gives this bizarre, dribbling laugh that sounds like she's running out of breath as she speaks. Get a glass of water, Janet.
"OOO Ohhh KAY
well we'll find a suitable occupation for THEM! Now come along, Pollacks."
...OK. So... the dogs ARE Castor and Pollacks. So.. they ARE the ones who own the dog pound.
...Can I express my continuing disbelief on how ridiculous
that is? OK, so it seems humans and dogs can talk in this world; OK. But dogs still seem to be clearly subordinate to humans. Do they also own pet shops as well?
I guess they go into the purple building, because they vanish. Crying Sasha in a corner again, and—Hello, deep-voiced gray dog we haven't seen before! Howdy!
"Heeey those two are gonna harass you wherever they can!"
But if someone tries to harass you in a way or place that makes you uncomfortable, that's NO GOOD!
"You know one another? Castor and Pollacks seem to be particularlyfondof the two of them!" Balto-look-alike is another Janet dog. The perennially forward-facing sheep dog pops up in the background again, as does Not!Poochy, but I don't think he's had a line yet.
"You can say that again! Castor and Pollacks once held their mother captive and their father Crommel came and freeed herrrr!" says deep-voiced gray dog.
"Our parents would've never—beatenCastorandPollacks without your help!" Saspinomel gives us his splayed-leg front-side view again! Dude, I think I could hide a cookie jar in those eyes.
"Castor and Pullicks beaten? Now that would REALLY be—interest me!" Balto (I'm just gonna call him that since it starts with "B" and we haven't been officially told his name yet) says.
Butch (let's face it, we all know the big stupid-voiced bulldog is Butch) adds, "Well I was ALSO there! I had, uh—"
I think that "uh" might've been inserted to make Butch sound stupider, but I have equal suspicions that it was just Brad flubbing his line again. The bespectacled dog (Whom I'm guessing is Mr. Bloom, because only smart people
get called "Mr.") interrupts anyway. He also has Sexy Ducrow Narrator's voice. "Yesss that's the way it wuzzzzzzzuh." One, uh, he didn't actually tell us what it was. Two, what the crap were you doing at the mic there Janet?
It sounds like Mr. Bloom fell asleep in mid-sentence! Is he also narcoleptic, just for the tokenism?
But we suddenly fade to white.
Ladies and gentlemen, the times has come for you to know The Truth about Dalmatians 3.
Know why we just got all that banter about Sasha and Saspinomel's awkwardly-named parents? Because, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what Phoenix Games had the gall
to do? Do you know what they have submitted
This is a composit movie.
Dingo made two separate dalmatian movies.
One about the initial couple, and one for their Spin-Offspring
. So "Dalmatians 2" was, in a way. But Phoenix Games didn't use it this way. They crammed the two together.
Folks, we are now transitioning to a new movie smack-dab in the middle of an old one.
I do not envy you, Pirka. I can merely wish you luck. An inelegant task has fallen on your head. I am sure you will rise to the ocassion. But all this movie can now do... is fall.
We are all falling. And when the bottom comes up to meet us, we will plough on through.
I have seen the eyes of Hell, and they are the two in "Dingo Pictures."
edited 14th Oct '10 11:32:19 PM by FreezairForALimitedTime