Just release...

Outta The BLAM: Everybody worries about stuff like that.

At least you don't suck as much as I do

BLAM, nothing matters. Don't worry about it. Don't bother yourself over this abstract Honor Before Reason stuff. Just do what makes you happy.

It's all good advice. I don't know. Why do I even think about all this, anyways? I never did before, I just kind of took things as they came and I was happy.

I am 14 and living in the past, how pathetic.

@BLAM: How concerned you are just shows that you do care...if your parents aren't being receptive to that concern, of course they don't get it. You're not selfish at all.

And I wish I could help more, but I, too, am in a state of self-loathing for my own selfishness. Repulsive. Ew, ew, ewww.

Welcome to being a teenager!

The only person on this forum who deserves his or her self-loathing is me. >_>

Nothing's pathetic, including you. It just is.

This is directed at ANY AND ALL Troper who reads this.

edited 7th Nov '09 10:53:56 PM by melloncollie

Hoho, Fun.

@Affie: You can't be that selfish if you just responded to me, huh?

What mellon said. I'm bubbly and cuddly and all that on here because I realised that it makes me happy.  ^*

^{The epiphany I had: "Why concentrate your efforts on one person — who'd probably be overwhelmed by the Care Bear Stare you're giving them — when you can just love everyone equally?"}

@Kinkajou: You actually seem more "normal" than most people here to me... and most of my friends in Real Life for that matter. I mean, you watch Live Action TV!

I realized that we're all actively enforcing a Dysfunction Junction here.

get down to the cheering up thread guys

^@Tze: Not much real TV. more on Youtube since the channels here prefer to show their sappy drama over action stuff.

edited 7th Nov '09 10:57:39 PM by Kinkajou

inorite

But how do I know that the "caring" motive feels the same to me as it does to everyone else? Perhaps it's supposed to be much deeper. Maybe I even posted equally to share that I have the same concerns—ugh.

And oh no, look what I'm doing, taking attention from people who need it more. Example, right here.

@BLAM, not me: How I find out if I really deserve what thoughts I can analyze that way is ask myself why over and over again that I think them. That way, I have come to the conclusion that some things were just conditioned in somewhere else, and I no longer need them.

If you're having problems, we want to help. I wish I could.

That's what therapists are for, and I dumped that all on her today, so I'm all right with her advice to think about. Still, though...*shudder*

Should I be posting about Laura in a different thread? I'm just so worried.

It's probably nothing. I wouldn't get worried until it's been like a month or something.

Do you have her phone number? Facebook, anything? I know y'all hate Facebook, but I think it's good to have one for this kind of thing. I mean, you don't have to check it compulsively.

She has my phone number, but I don't have hers. I know her Friendster account, livejournal and DA. I'm trying to contact her via lj right now.

Try Friendster? If something really bad happened, chances are one of her other friends would have posted something about it.

I'm probably late for the party, but, BLAM, I think you should listen to them, and then respond, tell them how you feel. Unless your name is Cinderella, parents usually mean well, and if they don't understand what you're going through, you should let them know.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Today after work I kinda snapped. For like an hour or so all I had was anger/fear/depression running through my head. Sure those would always flare up every once in a while, but it came on really strong tonight. Strong enough to let me really look at myself. You know what, I am sick of my life. I am sick of all my bullshit problems, and I am sick of them not getting solved. My MO of pissing and moaning and running away from my problems for the last year or so hasn't worked, so I need to change it.

I think I can boil it all down to three main points and some subpoints.

 ^{Reason 1}

^{I have very little confidence in myself. I'm not smart, athletic, attractive or skilled. Or at least that is what I keep thinking when I try to do... well anything. My brain keeps telling me I'm a fuck-up who will screw up anyways. That shit needs to stop}

 ^{Reason 1a}

^{Any positive traits I do have I will downplay, brushing it off as something anybody could do, or ignoring it when people tell me I'm doing fine.}

 ^{Reason 1b}

^{This whole personal doubt thing extends to relationships. I have to wonder why anybody tolerates, let alone likes somebody as useless as me.}

 ^{Reason 2}

^{Fear of failure: kinda related to the whole confidence thing, but I am really afraid of failure. It's hard to describe but it is this general feeling of dread, that if I mess up everybody will know and hate me, or I will have ruined my life. I know this isn't true but I can't shake the whole feeling.}

 ^{Reason 2a}

^{Biggest problem from this whole thing is fear of asking for help. Asking for help means I have already failed and I don't want to admit that to somebody else. Asking for help means leaving myself open to ridicule for either getting in the problem in the first place or getting it to the point where it is beyond salvage. Or that they will be mad at me for bothering them with some trivial stuff I should be able to fix on my own.}

 ^{Reason 2b}

^{Alright, probably just as big as refusal to ask for help is the whole laziness that comes with it. If I can't do things perfect and right, why bother? I'm just going to fail in the end right? So I might as well do nothing and save myself the trouble of trying and failing. Of course when I do anything at all it is at the last minute and rushed.}

 ^{Reason 2c}

^{Now combine this with the above mentioned lack of confidence. I never learn new skills, or practice or improve in general because of these two things. I'm stuck where I am(possibly sliding back) and I hate it.}

 ^{Reason 3}

^{I get overwhelmed. I have a lot of problems tuning things out and everything gets attention. This makes it really easy to get overwhelmed by just about anything, because I don't break stuff down into chunks}

 ^{assorted other stuff}

^{I act kinda mean, being snarky to people all the time. Sometimes it is in relation to the above where I can't tune shit out and I need to vent. Other times it is just my MO. I don't want to but I can't picture myself being nice of quiet all the time either.}

Right that's pretty much it. I hope. Really I just needed to articulate that all. I think I'm going to polish this list up a bit, print it off so I can make sure I can ask the school's psychologist for help with all of it. I hope it will help since it is mostly a list of problems and not me trying to diagnose myself or something.

I dunno.

Well, that sounds almost exactly like me about, oh, 2-4 years ago. Thanks to repression and suppression, I'm much more functional now. Yay for running away from your problems instead of facing them!

edited 8th Nov '09 1:33:14 AM by Ironeye

@Alkthash. Hate to play armchair psychiatrist here, but I recognise a form of madness, which I surf on the wave of. Having high standards for yourself can spur you on to do great things, but it can become pathological if you're not careful. CBT doctrine is that personality disorders are caused by thought patterns which are coping mechanisms for difficult situations, taken to irrational extremes. For instance, OCPD is essentially prudence and dilligence taken to ridiculous extremes.

@Blammy. I have been seeing this amongst other people an awful lot and there's something I really feel the need to say here because . Heaps of people say "Oh, I do bad things, I'm a bad person, why am I allowed to exist?". Uh, guys, hate to sound like a Nietzsche Wannabe here, but there is no universal justice. The universe doesn't care if you do good or bad things. We are here because we are. We do what we do because we choose. If you don't like the choices you are making then perhaps you should ask yourself "Why am I choosing things that make me unhappy?".

Your choices could be what makes you unhappy, in which case you would benefit from choosing differently, with more of a view towards your own happiness. Looking after yourself is NOT a bad thing. The most altruistic person I ever knew always told me "Look out for number one". She knew that nobody can ever help someone who won't look after themselves, so it's important to take good care of yourself.

Your worldview could be what makes you unhappy. Your choices could in fact be perfectly fine and rational, but you are perceiving your choices in a way that makes you unhappy. If so, why are you choosing to perceive the world in a way that makes you unhappy. What could you possibly have to gain by persisting in this worldview?

@Alkthash: It's good that you've identified your problems and are going to see the counselor at the very least. That's a good thing right there.