Allright, as of yet I have been unable to convince myself this is a bad idea, thank my mental masochism for that. Now, I loved the Death Note manga, it managed to hook me with suspense in such a manner that I felt compelled to finish the series even after I had the ending spoiled and saw my number one fanboyed-over character ever die, horribly defeated only to be replaced with a... you know what, let's just skip that and leave it at the fact that I read Death Note to the end and enjoyed the story immensely.

Now, what is this fic which I intend to tear asunder with all the fanboy rage of a thousand Final Fantasy-flamefests? Light And Dark The Adventures Of Dark Yagami. First up, Dark Yagami? Calling your kid «Light» is one thing, but «Dark» ... seriously? Well, this fic better have a damn good explanation for this silliness. But hey, look at me, already ranting before I've even gotten to the fic, this can't be good. As you might be able to tell, I'm going in blind, so if I by any chance should end up ranting about a plot point that gets satisfactorily explained later, do forgive me, I'm assuming the worst about this one

Somehow I don't think this is something we're going to have to worry about.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this. The fic is just...yeah. I have to believe it's a Troll Fic or Stealth Parody, I just have to. (oh, but don't let that stand in the way of your reactions)

edited 29th Oct '09 6:31:53 PM by ~

Allright, the liveblog begins, and this is looking up to be one hell of a ride.

Chapter one:

So, our story starts with Light coming home from school. «As he got to his house he saw a strange car outside and he knew immediately it was not American because the wheel was on the wrong side» Right, I think I have to stop you there. Unless my powers of perception have failed me entirely, this sentence here seems to suggest that Light and his family lives in America, a fact straight forward contradicting plot points early in the original, not that DN being set in Japan was too much of a secret in the first place. Also «because the wheel was on the wrong side?» That just does not compute either, simply because roughly 75% of the world (and I'm probably being modest with that figure) have their steering wheels on the same side as Americans do. I guess I shouldn't obsess about this too much, but jeez, it could be made so much easier, for example, Light could look at... I don't know, the licence plate, and pinpoint it as non-American that way? See, now that wasn't so hard, now was it? But let's not dwell on that, on with the story.

Light's parents, Soichiro and «Light's Mom» greet him, acting all surprised-like, including Mr. Yagami «playing with his mustache, » something I, in a thousand years, can't imagine him doing. Also, is it really too much work to check up what Light's mom is called? Takes less than a minute at wikipedia. Anyway, the two reveal to light their terrible Dark secret, pun and capitalization intentional. Yes, it would seem Light had a twin called Dark, who they «sent to a top secret orphanage in Whales (its a town in England) where he would learn to be the next L. We can’t tell anyone because its top secret and kira might find out and Kira might try to kill him.» You know what, I'm not going to comment on the Wales thing, because I need to conserve both time and sanity, but this is one contrived excuse to have the character be unmentioned up to this point. Sure, they can't tell anyone, including Light now that Kira actually exist, which makes it preplexing that they do, but what stopped them from mentioning something as important as this at any point earlier to Light? I mean, sure, maintaining top secrecy is one thing, but not telling someone as crafty and resourceful as Light that he does, in fact, have a twin brother?

It must also be said that Dark is fairly suave about this whole reuniting with his long-lost brother, what with his lolling. On what he is lolling, we may never know, as the author doesn't tell us, I pray to any Great Old One that might hear me that the author simply misunderstood lolling as a word for simply meaning being relaxed, or at least that he didn't misspell Lol-ing. Light is not quite as calm, and throws a proper fit of rage, which I might in a generous mood call a Flanderization of his slight childish tendencies, and drags his sister Sayu upstairs, where she apologizes for not telling Light about his twin brother, who she apparently knew about. Great Azathoth, how could Light's younger sister find out about this, but not the Teenage Genius himself?

Before this plot hole can be excavated any deeper, though, Dark comes upstairs, and the two brothers enter Light's room, where it turns out the Yagamis have installed a bunk bed... again without Light noticing anything. It would seem that the Yagami family has a good contract with ninja carpenters, or ninja IKEA delivery/assembly men. At this point, the author tells us not to get any funny ideas because there will be no slash, a relief, but at the same time, ridiculously bad and Squick-filled Brother-Brother Incest might put a temporary stop to the cascade of poor plotting.

So, Light applies a magical eavesdropping-preventing pencil to the door before telling Dark that he is Kira. He tells a person he met five minutes ago, a person who might be the next L, that he is Kira, a secret he has kept from everyone but, what, three people? Brother or not, that's not a very smart move. Of course, this isn't an one-shot fanfic where Light gets hit by a Feeblemind spell and gets himself imprisoned and executed, so much for hoping, because Dark, out of undying loyalty to his brother for all of five minutes, tells Light that he knows, and that he won't tell on him. Lord Dagon of the Deep, the Gary Stu is strong with this one. So, Light compliments Dark a couple of more times in good old Stu tradition before Dark reveals his red death note. They discuss the colour and Dark gets reprimanded for saying «colour» instead of «color» since «he's in America now, » see my rant above for my full thoughts on this particular choice. Also, Dark is one of those people who actually says «lol, » he's doing a damn fine job of endearing himself to me, I'll give him that... yeah.

Dark then shows Light «his» shinigami, «He was like twice the size of Ruyk and had a big mowhawk made of blood and skulls.» This description sounds like a parody of how 90s kid would sound like if he was an otaku. The fact that he «was eating bananas like Ruyk ate apples but they were blood bananas made of blood.» doesn't help. I'm having Vietnam-esque My Immortal flashbacks at this point, all that's missing is the fishnets. This shinigami is the new king, apparantly, and has a Death Note that can kill anyone whose name is written in the book even if you don't know their name or face. How exactly one can write down a name that one doesn't know, you might ask? Well, I don't know or care and I don't think the author does either.

So, Dark excuses himself to go upback, gets out his cellphone and calls L, tells him that he has killed Mello and Watari and that the Watari with L at the moment is a fake.... so, let's just forget that he got L's phone number, probably from the awesome Stupower, let's forget that he killed two major-esque characters... in fact, let's just forget the whole thing, I want to get this chapter over with. The fake Watari is revealed to be Light's dad, who pulls a gun on L, and the chapter ends with a stunning cliffhanger, hooray!

edited 29th Oct '09 6:57:10 PM by slowzombie

Oh, is that what you meant? In that case, all of that stuff gets a really sensible explanation later. It's actually rather brilliant; clearly, the author's up on his Dostoevsky.

Oh, yes, quite.

I hope I won't be too arrogant to assume that my post in "liveblog this" is what prompted you do this. If that's the case, I am so sorry.

Ah, Idler, yes, hate to break it to you, but this is kind of your fault Well, I guess I found the fanfic I was looking for. Although it is neither as long nor as horrible as My Immortal, it's bad, really bad. Thank Cthulhu for the bad fanfic writers, may he OM NOM NOM them last.

Chapter two starts with a flashback to one month later when... there was yet another flashback to one month later, not confusing at all. Here we see Mello in his room in the «Watari House, » I assume the orphanage, eating chocolate before Dark comes a'knocking. He asks where Near is, to which Mello replies «he is near.» Cut me not with thy rapier of wit, fanfic author. Dark and I finally agree on something, as he isn't amused either. Mello asks if Dark wants to have some fun, and apparently takes no answer as an invitation to strip. Dark is, again, not very impressed and shoots Mello and steals his clothes. Oh, Dark is wearing Mello's clothes in the first chapter. I didn't mention it, but it's there, I guess it could be called foreshadowing, of sorts. So, Watari comes to investigate the gunshot, but gets shot as well. He screams as he gets shot, screams as he falls and screams on the ground a bit before dying. At least he gets to keep his clothes. Do you remember how the major characters in DN who died shuffled off their mortal coil with dignity, not freaking out or naked? Yeah, wasn't that great?

So, Dark hits the road, calling a «mysterious number.» Said mystery gets somewhat wrecked when Dark, in the very next sentence, calls the reciever of the call «dad, » a «mustached man.» Which makes me think Dark either got a videophone or that his Stu Powers include telepathic facial analysis or something along those lines.

So, Dark tells pa' Yagami that he's not too happy about being dropped in the orphanage 19 years ago and that to make up for it, good old pa' has to dress up like Watari and fool L. Soichiro apparantly agress to try to fool the person behind the three most talented detectives in the world because a person who says he's your son says that you owe him that much. Dark confesses that he killed Watari, which provides Old man Yagami with a golden opportunity to take to his senses, call L and get some serious damage control done. Dark's amazing Black Hole Stu gravity, however, proves too great for the plot to follow any logical sequence of events, and Soichiro agrees on the condition that Dark comes to the US, again, refer to my rant in the beginning of chapter one if you aren't tired of it yet.

So, Dark has to get to the states, but he doesn't have any money. What is this? An actual challenge on the path to his objective? A possible roadblock in the way of the Marty Stu bulldozer? Of course not, Dark has a way. He hides in a lead-lined box and ships himself via airplane, the lead preventing him from being detected by X-ray. You know, I'm willing to put up with a lot from this fic, but this is just too stupid. First of, if airport security finds an unlabelled box which they can't see through with the means at hand, odds are they won't go «Gee... probably just a solid block of lead in here, a'yup» and send it on it's merry way across the pond. I mean, if he's lucky, the box would be cracked open and his scheme would be up, if he's unlucky, they skip that phrase, call the bomb squad and blow his ass up. Boom, no more Stu, no more fic, canonity is restored at a rate of 4.2 MegaRetCons per second. Even excusing that, 12 hours, which is roughly UK-US unless I'm mistaken, is a long time to be trapped in a box in a cargo hold. Oh well, this being a badfic, all these problems are flat out ignored, and our «hero» arrives in the good old US of A safely.

So, back at the tense standoff where we left L and Sorchrio. The gun is fired, L dodges and hides behind his pile of candy. You remember, the pile of candy that was in any shape or form large enough to hide behind, you know, from the manga? Yeah. At this point, Moustacheman reveals that hadn't really betrayed L, the fact that he fired a shot at him notwithstanding. If I'm to guess, we might get an explanation later, or it could be that the author is just out of his gourd, what do I know. Anyway, Soichrio explains the situation and says that Dark might be Kira, and L agrees, saying that it «all makes sense now, » and that « He framed his twin brother when in fact he is killing people somehow.» Who knew, L just needed a Marty Stu to solve the Kira case. Solve it with the wrong answer, but still. This chapter sails gleefully into oblivion as Soichiro says he has a plan and «twisting his mustache like an evil guy.» Again, a moustache-related activity I can not imagine Soichiro Yagami, or anyone with a moustache even resembling his, doing. Chapter done, author tells us to not worry, because there will be more. Needless to say, worrying is had.

edited 30th Oct '09 7:59:56 AM by slowzombie

It's amazing that there's sufficient continuity for foreshadowing to occur, really.

As I recall, the "foreshadowing" was something like "he had on mello's clothing (you'll see why later lol)". Even if I misremember, that's probably what it was because every sentence is like that.

Black Hole Stu gravity? Thanks for stealing my joke (jk)

No, you are right Wicked, we must fight to the death for the right to this joke! I suggest Dual-wielding katanas and purple sparkly hair, at sunset, of course No seriously though, you're a considerable part of my inspiration for this, so it's no wonder there are some similarities.

On a less positive note, my computer decided to flip me the bird again It's odd how the comming of November always heralds a computer-related disaster for me. It's like it smells that the time for NaNoWriMo is near. This year I win, though, seeing as I'm not participating in NaNoWriMo this year, so victory is mine, Silicon Satan... relatively speaking. Anyway, computer dead, I should have access to a proper replacement by monday, and I'll get an update up then, hopefully.

I dunno, wasn't there some guy who died in a puddle of his own blood, screaming that he didn't want to die, after being semi-publicly humiliated? I forget the name.

Ahaha oh wow. Blood bananas made of blood.

He only dies that way in the manga, though.

Hey Guys, guess who's back. Oh yeah, my PC problems have ended... sorta. Anyways, yeah, I kinda forgot about that particular death. Seems odd, but it completely slipped my mind. So, dear readers, I'm afraid you know too much, so, if you could just be so kind to PM me with your full names and pictures

Anyway, this isn't a complete blind chapter, since I keep an extra chapter written for a rainy day. Unfortunately, this was lost when my PC went to the great kernel junkyard in the sky Fortunately I've forgot quite a part of it, so enjoy this quasi-blind Marty Stu insanity.

So, first on, this chapter is called "Misa and Sayu do sexy stuff." If you are not intimidated at this early point, then you clearly are made out of stronger stuff than me. Anyway, let's get this pig rolling.

So, our story resumes when Light "kills some evil people." Yeah, I loved how the story was clear about who was evil and good, or if any clear evil and good really exists. Pfeh, who needs discussion about the nature of justice? They're clearly evil, right? Well, luckily, the author doesn't dwell on this too long, and instead briefly skips over to our very favorite Marty Stu, Dark. Goodie.

Oh, turns out we're not going to follow Dark right now, because Misa apparently just came around, and Light, again as true to his character as the rest of this fic, which is to say not much, runs down to greet her. "Did you bring the” he winked “homework” he winked again." Right... winking, because Light, the subtle mastermind, winks. In general, Light doesn't act the slightest like his Canon counterpart, but winking?

Oh well, the two get upstairs, but Dark is changing, so Misa can't come in. Light's ok, though. Gee, they sure don't feel awkward around each other, considering they've known each other... what, a week at most? Well, subtle as this way to separate the two is, or rather isn't, Misa ends up standing in the hall by herself.

At this time, as the author puts it "Once Misa was alone Sayu came out the closet (get it!? : P )." Gah... just GAH. Fanfic writers everywhere, do me a favor and help me exterminate this atrocity against humor. A joke that isn't funny on its own will not be funny with "get it, " or even the possibly more ironic "geddit?" Also, punctuation madness much? Exclamation point, question mark, smiley, end bracket, period. I usually have a problem with too little punctuation, but that's a bit excessive, don't you think.

Anyway, to compress the following landslide of poor plot madness, Sayu knows about Light, Misa and Dark's secret, and promises not to tell. Again, just like reading the manga, huh guys? Seriously, at this rate, the whole cast will know about the DN gang and their secret, and considering how stingy Light was on the info in Death Note, the difference is pretty jarring.

Anyway, Sayu has one condition, that Misa will have sex with her. The following exchange deserves to be pasted out in full. Enjoy. "Misa looked surprised. She stepped back and gasped. “Your a lesbian?” she asked curiously. “Yes. Why are you?” Sayu said back sexily. “I am vicarious” Misa replied as she took her dress off and walked into Sayu’s room."

Great isn't it? On the bright side, the author doesn't drown us with Purple Prose IKEA Erotica. On the less bright side... pretty much everything else I can think about at the moment.

Buuuut enough about that, the author jumps over to Dark, Light and Dark's shinigami best bud, Blud. Aaaand now, it is exposition time, boys and girls: “I GOT IT BECAUSE I KILLED THE OLD KING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND THAT MADE ME THE NEW KING.” Said Blud “THE KING GETS A POWEFUL DEATH NOTE THAT LETS HIM KILL WHOEVER HE WANTS AND ALSO HE GETS A PALACE AND A WIFE AND ALL THE BLOOD BANANAS HE CAN EAT” And yes, Blud talks like that, I am positively tickled pink. Also, the king of the shinigami get a wife? Shinigami are asexual... but hey, when does logic, Word Of God and canon sources matter at all anyway? Also, the brothers try out the red death note, except it seems the rules have changed, and now you just need to know a persons face to kill him/her. They test it out on a weather forecaster, doubtlessly one who have given in to the dark side of meteorology, the bad boys of the weather forecasters, no doubt. Light writes down his name, which he does not know, but it works. Still no explanation for how one can write a name one does not know, it just works, apparently.

Again, we return to the sapphic duo. I get yet another brief My Immortal flashback, seeing as more description is given to the two ladies underwear than, well, pretty much anything any canon character has done so far. I'm guessing an underwear catalog was involved in the research to this fanfic. "Sayu then took her own underwear off and she was naked underneath." I fail to see how this could in any conceivable situation could not be the case, but I'm marking this up as "lacking skill in writing smut" and leaving it as that. I keep imagining a full sex scene would sound something like two Barbie dolls having sex, but hopefully, I will never know for sure. Before things can get more steamy, thus elevating the whole situation from a swirling vortex of anti-steam to merely un-steamy, someone knocks on the door. Sayu goes to open, seemingly forgetting that she's naked. Since Dark hasn't really Stu'd up our lives just enough this chapter, it is indeed him waiting at the door, unknown for what reasons. So, Sayu calls Dark a pervert and slams the door on him. Honestly, miss Yagami, what did you EXPECT when you went to answer the door naked? Wouldn't, say, pretending no-one's home or putting on some clothes be the more intelligent thing to do? Of course it would, but it's not like this fic needs to adhere to the basic rules of logic.

So, Misa splits the scene, but forgets her bag, with her Death Note in it... I'll give Misa this much, I do not exactly applaud her intelligence all that often, but she IS smarter than that. Anyway, it turns out Sayu planned on this, a truly contrived plan if I ever saw one, but I digress, because she is in league with Soichiro Yagami. Isn't that cute, the story tries to be an actual story.

Well, that was this installment, stay tuned as I go ever so slowly insane while trying to finish this.

edited 10th Nov '09 11:05:24 AM by slowzombie

Keikaku doori!

I like your commentary.

edited 10th Nov '09 11:26:59 AM by Idler 2.0

Welcome back to the adventures of Slowzombie and fic that’s to Death Note continuity what Uwe Boll is to cinema.

Allright, chapter title time first. This one is called "I forgot what happens but cool" Ok… first of all, I’m praying that is relevant to the story, somehow, but if not even the author can keep his train of thought, or even a brief synopsis from the point where he’s finished writing up the chapter and posting it online, why should I even try? Well, you know, dear readers, because I’m just a little bit loopy, just the way you like it. Also, before the action gets a chance to start out proper, the author points out that the fic hoster keeps doubling the first line of his fic, which would explain the flashback-to-a-flashback from earlier. I am less confused, but somewhat disappointed. That’s what I get for running blind I guess. Oh, and just to lift my spirit, I am promised Also contains Naomi/OC and Takada/OC (real hot!) Considering the only OC so far is Dark… DO NOT WANT. Ok, I’ll be fair, it’s still possible the author is gracing us with another of his… creations, but we’ll find out, now won’t we.

The story, still not content with the thought of sitting still on one plotline, or even a couple of related ones, jump over to Naomi as she enters the police station and observes The woman behind the desk was hot looking and also she was bi. First off, I’m curious if Naomi has some kind of fine-tuned gaydar going on or something, a bidar? I dunno, I’ll write it off as Naomi either be a good judge of character or some previous… thing going on, I’d rather think about something else, like puppies, since puppies are cute and makes sense. Naomi wants to speak to L because Kira killed her husband, I think, seeing as she just called the woman behind the desk Naomi. The aforementioned OC might be this secretary-kind of person, seeing as she immediately begins hitting on Naomi. Although I can’t say my heart yearns for more poorly written lesbian erotica, at least it isn’t Dark/Anybody. The secretary, whom I absolutely refuse to call the Desk Lady, lest I conjure up a mental image of an anthromorphic desk, also quips like so “Naomi spelled backwards is I Moon” added the desk lady flirtyly To this, I reply: No! It! Isn’t! For the love of Nyarlathotep, it’s “I Moan” see, the innuendo makes sense, even more so. Remember kids, when punning, make sure your spelling makes sense. Anyway, before the horribly unsubtle flirting can continue, Naomi took the desk ladies number to call her later and maybe have sex and ran into L’s office.

Oh, almost forgot amidst all this madness, when, pray do tell, did L have a permanent headquarter at the police, let alone an office? I know I should be beyond commenting on lacking respect for canon at this point, but come on, can’t we at least pretend we know what we’re doing here? It’s not that hard, basic research is your friend, especially to the stuff you are ficcing. Anyway, Naomi tells L, in this office of his, that Kira killed her husband, and she thinks she knows who Kira is. Again, heed my words, before this is through, everyone will know who Kira is. L asks her to take a seat, but the chair is covered in old candy, so before any sitting can be done, L eats the candy off the chair. Said candy is, of course all sticky and melted and eaten and it didn’t look to good either. Again, I like how we’re told these things, Shaped Like Itself as it is. Oh, and when it comes to description, L gets described as the small wrinkly fairy man began shoving bits of sugar into his mouth. I know I’m a L fanboy, but wrinkly? Seriously? Wrinkly? As in having a noticeable amount of wrinkles?

The story then jumps over to the brothers Yagami, where the shinigami Blud complains he needs blood bananas.  ^*

^{Made out of BLOOD}

Ryuk feels left out because he, like anyone who is not the king of the Shinigami, cannot eat blood bananas, they’re poisonous, y’see. If this is the case, wouldn’t Blud be the one left out, since he’s the only one who can eat them?

Anyway, I’m sure this is a setup to a truly dazzling plot twist, but the plot cuts back to casa de L where Soichiro have arrived, apparently. Naomi tells the crew that Kira really is… Mikami. Honestly, when in the Death Note timeline is this supposed to be set? Is this some bizarre AU where everyone wears a clown nose, but the author neglected to tell us? I know he is Kira because he went on Tv and he was evil! is the logic behind this accusation, and although I’m sure the author planned some kind of better explanation to this particular logic fizzle, I’m left wondering if Naomi and the Kira Crew all have Detect Alignment or something similar. Anyway, this is all the reason the good men of the law… or independent anti-Kira vigilantes, need as they rush out and decide to open a can of whuppass on Mikami.

Naomi stays behind and returns to the secretary-type person. Goodie. They find a closet, and Naomi finally reveals her horrible secret. getting naked as she took her her jacket off and revealed a fancy suit that newsreaders wear underneath. “I’m not really Naomi. I’m………………….. TAKADA!! Didn’t see that one coming. Sincerity Mode is enabled, ladies and gentlemen. Do tell, am I getting rusty, or was there no hint to this whatsoever? What strikes me is that Takada and Naomi doesn’t really look all that similar. Was she wearing a wig? Anything else making her look like Naomi? How does this work. Well, before the author slips up and actually explains something, we jump to AT MIKAMIS HOUSE IN A HELICOPTER … wow, Mikami’s house must be pretty large to comfortably fit a Helicopter.

L threatens Mikami with bullet-y death if he doesn’t come out, and when no response is given, Soichiro got a good shot at Mikami and killed him in the leg. There was still no reply. Killed... Doesn’t mean what you think it means apparantly. Well, the team bravely advances upon the disabled guy, who holds a death note L knows is a death note because it’s full of names of killed people… ehm, just go with it. Mikami, understandably, freaks out and tells the investigation team that he isn’t the real Kira. Blud, who apparently can spy on anyone with a death note, discovers this, and before Mimami gets to finish, he is Death Note’d. It plays out like so “Then whose the real Kira?” asked L. “Tell us you f-cking scumbag!!” added Lights dad who was holding a knife to his neck like the joker did. He was mad with rage and his mustache was covered in spit and it was pretty rank really. “I’ll tell you! It’s Light Yaga…….” Then he died.

Frankly, I am beyond flabbergasted. That is not a close save, that is not killing someone to prevent your secret from coming out. That is the secret-keeping equivalent of putting on a fake moustache and a funny hat. What’s worse is that the investigation team seems quite annoyed that he didn’t get to finish... or that he got killed, maybe, but still. I know about the burden of proof and all that, but seriously? Also, back in the closet where “MEANWHILE IN THE JANITORS CUPBAORD WHERE TAKADA AND THE DESK LADY WERE SEXING, ” the author still refusing to name his OC or use a version of “to have sex” which couldn’t be used by Borat, Mikami is Death Note'd mid-act and miss secretary freaks out, understandably. Blud stopped watching the naked couple and went back to Light … just creepy, not commenting any further. Creepy, full stop. He reports to Light, who, in his most in-character moment in the entire fic so far, replies with “just as planned.”

End of chapter, yay. At least Dark didn’t Stu things up all that much in this one.

edited 11th Nov '09 12:28:36 PM by slowzombie

Is that not the chapter where L's mastery of stealth is displayed? Oh.

Actually, I think it is. "“I will have to use stealth instead” said L and jumped in the broken window screaming." I was planning on giving that a riff, but it seems to have slipped. Knew I should have saved the Princess Bride joke for something :/ Oh well

It looks like it was because he didn't get to finish:

Anyway...honestly, the anime felt like this  ^*

^{and by "this" I mean "L not allowing himself to be sure Light is Kira because he hears 'Light Yaga' and not 'mi', and absolutely no other aspect of this story"}

every so often too. If only because L had this major confirmation bias towards Light and lots of evidence towards him, with no other real suspects or lines of inquiry (at least, until the Memory Gambit). It was always something that me a little.

edited 11th Nov '09 1:29:40 PM by Haven

Yeah, one does have to question why L didn't just arrest Light and look for evidence against him while he was in jail.

Apparently, in this universe Emiya Shirou is wrong: people don't die when they are killed.

I thought it meant his house was in a helicopter.

Hey kids, it’s Yagami time, today we’re tackling chapter 5 “We meed Yotsuba and Matt.” This is probably the least intimidating chapter title since I started discussing them, so I’m guessing this is a semi-good sign?

To put a damper on my spirits, the story starts with a “flashback to yesterday.” That’s so… overwhelmingly unhelpful in placing this on the timeline that it borders on some level of Zen, I am certain. Is the author referring to yesterday, as in the day before this? Or the day before the events in the previous chapter? I’m assuming the latter for my own sanity. On the bright side, well, the story yet again keeps far away from the titular character, a notion I feel I can support with increasing fevor. The focus of the moment is Matt, hoh yes, I can’t hardly wait to see how such a fleshed-out character can indeed be pulled off the rails by our dear blackhole stu, I assure you it’s possible. Well, Matt’s motivation seems to be avenging Mello, seems reasonable so far, and therefore he has to ride really really fast, the… ehm, “Klingon” proverb apparently doesn’t appeal to him. Well, he finds himself in a situation like so: Suddenly he stopped suddenly. He saw the taillights of a Porch up ahead and the driver was laughing like mad and something about the car just didn’t seem right some how. Well, I’ll give Matt as much, his eyesight must be absolutely fantastic. Also... porch, I'll have you know I noticed this, but I have no snark for this misspelling except the standard ... Right. Now “he, ” this being Matt, or possibly the man in the car, or possible the divine Him, or the royal We for all I know, pulls a gun and shoots out the back window, causing the car to swerve. Maybe not all that weird since the driver was laughing and driving and writing something in his book as he drived

Oh, and this man is called Yotsuba, which I’m assuming is the stand-in for our murderous yuppie friends at Youtsuba Co, mostly because the alternatives does not entice me. I’m not one to call Troll too early, but honestly, the author is giving characters the My Immortal treatment here, that is never a good sign. Oh, and Matt recognizes the Death Note as a Death note, and one assumes this leads to a plan of some sort. Anyway, the author finds it necessary to further break the poor defenseless narrative as we have… a flashback to a short time later, either making it a flash-forward, or just stupid. My money is on the last one. Matt has caught up with the car, jumps in, grabs the wheel and rams the car into a conveniently placed wall in a scene that makes my inner writer cry limpid tears  ^*

^{Made of BLOOD}

. You bet it bears quoting. Yotsuba screamed like a little girl only manlier because he was big and covered his face with his arms. The car crashed into a wall and exploded in a ball of flame! One of the drivers died instantly and the other stole the death note and jumped back on his motorbike and drove off. It was…… you’ll have to find out later! P

Mid-chapter cliffhanger. Classy.

Back in the present day, Blud, still in all-caps, break the bad news that Matt survived the crash to Light. That is, after the Brothers Yagami have a little argument which pretty much amounts to an angry question, a punch, an answer and immediate reconciliation, mostly because Dark seems keen to demonstrate that his Stupowers include the ultra-rare Common Sense. Of course, after his lead-box-gambit, I’m inclined to not believing that, but I digress. Anyway, Light is confused, but Blud explains that his “death note can also kill people in the past and I am going to write his name in it in the future to kill him in the past and stop him stealing the death note” But... but... but... you just... and he... so... but still... and... you. Normally I’m so-so on optimism when it comes to time-travel plots making sense, but you know what, this is asinine, there is no way this can make any sense, even in the Stuniverse, not happening, does not compute, still DOES NOT WANT.

Well, apparently it works, because time gets rewritten, with an elegant “Meanwhile in the past.” So, stupid story short, Matt dies a horribly crash-related death because of future Death Note-usage, Yotsuba escapes and apparently finds Matts PSP still usable, one assumes Matt’s mangeled body protected its fragile plastic existence, if that even came close to making sense, that is.

Back in the future, L figures out how to work the Death note because he’s a genius, although it hardly takes a genius when the manual is written on the product. He decides to test it out on mrs Yagami, Light & Dark’s mom, who the author still haven’t seen it fit to name. I mean, her name is Sachiko, for crying out loud, you can look it up, as I said, won’t even take you a minute. The author closes off by telling us the next chapter will be pretty intense, and asking for reviews. Of course, I don’t have a fanfiction.net account, but if I had, I can promise you the author would not want my review.

edited 8th Jan '10 6:11:23 PM by slowzombie

Originally, I didn't want to doublepost, but this is probably my only certain chance of posting anything much until my exam is over and done with, but enough talking, it's Yagami time.

This chapter is called “Maybe last chapter or not.” What’s that? A possible end to this madness? I dare to hope, but getting my hopes too high? In this fic? Nah. The author says he might add some more later, some more being thirteen chapters, so… yeah, this will be great.

Father Yagami is understandably a bit peeved about L writing his wife’s name in the Death Note, but L assures him that he has a plan and retrieves a white death note reading “Life note.” L has a life note, which I assume is the opposite of a Death Note and the one element that will smash the little of what I liked about Death Note straight out of this fic. Granted, the original pilot, or whatever you call a pilot in a manga form, had a Death Eraser which could undo a death note fatality, but transplanting an idea like this over to the main Death Note story works on the same level as fishes on bicycles work. Besides, why didn’t he reanimate Mikami earlier if it was so damn important? I just don’t know, and again, I suspect the author doesn’t either.

Well, back in the Yagami household, Sachiko, still not named, poor thing, dances around, controlled by the Death Note . She tells Dark that L knows he is Kira and tells him to come to the warehouse, I’m assuming this warehouse is the same as in the original Death Note’s final confrontation. I’d comment on how story elements from all over the timeline seems to merge together without rhyme or reason, but you’ve heard that before. Before Mrs. Yagami can get any further, though, she gets a heart attack and dies. Somehow, Soichiro senses his wife dying, and chews L out. I’m guessing it’s because of… the Yagami house still being bugged? Or, I would assume that, hadn’t it been for that Light would’ve blown his cover in chapter one. I just don’t know any more. Anyway, L writes that Sachiko comes back to life in the Life Note. Yes, it would seem my worst suspicions have become reality; the consequence for killing someone with a Death Note is officially neutered.

Luckily, before I am to get too worked about that, the Life note apparently also teleports the target to the user, since Soichiro glomped Light’s mom to the ground. Yes, glomping, that’s something I can imagine Soichiro doing, ever. Well, back in the Yagami household, Light is distressed because we have to go to the warehouse again but this time we don’t have mikami! Ehm… referring to the end of the manga? Buh… what? Plot? Timeline? THERE IS NO CONTINUITY, THERE IS ONLY ZUUL. Dark, however, has a plan.

They went to the warehouse and L was waiting for them there. Near was there as well and he was playing with some toy robot or something I don’t know its not really important. If it’s not important… you do not need to add it, in fact, omitting it is a good idea, just a thought. Anyway, Dark and L face off, and L somehow comes to the fact that because Dark and Light came here, Dark must be Kira, of course. Dark, however, uses his Red Death Note and kills L, no real surprises there. However, Blud has a surprise up his sleeve. You see, he really isn’t Dark’s shinigami, no, he’s L’s, and revives Dark with the Life Note. What a twist! Dark is arrested, but it turns out Blud really works for Dark after all. Well… thanks for not leaving your plot twist pointless as anything else than a weak plot device, it saves me a load of trouble.

Oh, and Darks short time in prison turns out to be completely pointless because Dark still has his red death note and eventually just decides to escape. Then one day he wrote the names of everyone in the prison and all the guards and stuff too and made them dig a tunnel out. When L found out he was mad! Hooray… I guess? Dark returns to the Yagami household, where Blud has wiped Soichiros memory, so that only Light and, one assumes, L, remembers that Dark was even arrested. I’m not even going to ask how Blud did the mindwiping thing, I’m assuming it’s some level of New Powers as the Plot Demands. Sayu tells Dark that she and Misa are going steady, and suggests a threesome. Light replies that a foursome might be better, thus setting up what could, in the hands of any moderately capable writer, be the most awkward reunion scene ever, but the Yagami household is apparently quite liberal, so they all just laugh. I can imagine the cheesy sitcom music already. For a brief moment, it looks like the end. A stupid, unsatisfying end, sure, but the end, however, there is a stinger, in which Yotsuba says the “party can really begin.” Oh sweet Azathoth, no.