Asexuals and Aromantics Unite!

Hi, Ellowen, it's nice to see you here. ^_^

nice to be here, though I don't post often.

I feel like I don't post here too often either. :/

No one really posts here too often

And hi new person!

edited 23rd Mar '17 8:21:14 AM by Cailleach

Yeah I generally just lurk here as well. The thread is on my watch list and I come check out whatever someone posts.

In other news, I did a thing

Excellent flag colour guys.

I guess one reason the ace 'community' tends to be exclusive towards people who have a medical reason for being ace is that some allosexuals have the idea that all of us have medical causes. People consider asexuality to be a medical condition in itself.

They get defensive about it, and in the process of insisting "No, it's not a medical problem!" don't see the side of "Well even if it is medical, it's still not a bad thing".

Yes true

I would argue that people who have medical conditions making them asexual aren't really asexual. It's whatever condition they have lowering their sexual/romantic drive, rather than the way their brains are wired.

edited 6th Apr '17 12:13:33 PM by AceTrainerEli

End result is the same though. They do not want the sexytimes.

Drive and attraction are two different things, though.

Well i'll just the person who has incomplete or a very long puberty delay due to a endocrine problem. Anyone suffering from something like that?

edited 6th Apr '17 3:24:31 PM by Coleman

Hello again! Was reflecting on the moment I came out as ace. It was... spontaneous, to say the least.

You see, there's this guy in my school whose known for making crass sex jokes around people, even when they are obviously uncomfortable with them. Whenever someone explicitly tells him to cut it out, he accuses them of bisexual-phobia, for some weird reason.

So this guy was bugging me and a couple others at lunch in the library while I was trying to get homework done. After I told him to cut it out, and he did his usual bisexual-phobia routine, when I suddenly had the genius idea of telling him that I was ace, and for that reason, making sex jokes around me was disrespecting my orientation. (Well, I guess i was applying his own logic to the scenario.)

It worked... temporarily.

edited 10th Apr '17 3:08:22 PM by BlizzardeyeWonder

Every school has at least one of those. I learned to ignore them. They really aren't worth the effort of getting upset over.

Well my school is very LGBT friendly and if anyone shows anti LGBT ness they get sent to 3 days iss.

Mostly I get people who just don't understand it. I've never gotten anyone nasty about it, which is nice. I mean I did have a friend when I first came out be...not so great...but she's since learned and apologized.

Today I was watching some of my friends who are in romantic relationships. I don't get it.

It's not the sex I don't get, that seems straightforward enough. It's love. I know the feeling of being in love is a thing. And I know people find romantic relationships desirable. And that's fine. More power to them if it makes them happy.

But I don't get why it makes them happy. What does a romantic relationship give you that you actually want and that you can't already get (minus the drama, even!) from a close friendship? From a distance it seems basically the same as having a best friend, but now you're contractually obliged to talk to them a lot and at least consider their opinions when they tell you they don't want you doing something. It just seems you lose out on your freedom and don't get anything in return.

This isn't me ragging on people who like romance, this is just me wondering out loud.

I feel similarly. I don't really understand what you get out of a romantic relationship that you can't get out of a close friendship, other than kissing, I guess? It's confusing to me.

Well I'm not interested into a relationship but hanging out is just fine because to be honest I never had anyone hang out with me for 5 years now.

I don't know, they must get something.

I have a very passive desire to get a girlfriend sometime but it just seems like so much work, and the thought of me having sex is pretty gross (probably because I hate myself)

That's my story I guess

"What does a romantic relationship give you that you actually want and that you can't already get (minus the drama, even!) from a close friendship?"

Because, it allow me to be a little bit blunt here(not ofense to anyone), for many friendship is just not enought, romantic is....a bond with someone who share many thngs, friend can come and gone and many just drop, ether by changing or by life circumstance, but having another person just there....

I guess is to have someone close at the end of the day, when all friend goes home, who sit next to you and want you to be there beyond all the drama or fallings...

But anyway, the reason im here is not for me since im not asexual or arromantic....but I thing my girlfriend is, we are both kind of young and we both start having sex and it was like that for 6 months until she got a job and it was fine until we have a conversation and she reveal me she dosent have that much interest in sex, she said she have it a few years ago but now is just.....gone.

At the same time she reveal too me she didnt like the times we did it and it was just to make me happy(something I kinda resent actually), I love her and I want to be with her but...a part of me kinda resent and feel frustrated by this which at the same time make me feel guilty, it have stressing me of late and...I dont know I just want to ask two questions here:

How you determined or "get" your asexuality? I said this because I dont want to be armchair therapist who said she is asexual because she dosent want to have sex with me and the other question...¿how sexual people handle this? I have been thinking and so far I came with nothing so I just....dunno, advice would be nice.

Thanks and sorry for the inconvenience

Well for one, having an aversion to sex is not exactly the same as being asexual. There's definitely overlap there, sure, but it just because she doesn't like sex that much it isn't a 100% indication that she's ace.

As for how I "got" it, it was mostly song this random thing on TV about an asexual couple when I was 11 abs thinking "yeah that sounds like me." I'd suggest you start off by linking her to the Wikipedia page on asexuality for starters.

As to what you should do, well... talk to her. Is sex that important to you as far as the relationship is concerned? Like, if she were to straight up say she would never have sex with you again, would that be a deal breaker? Figure it out with her.

Ooh, I didn't realize there was an ace/aro community here! Well, allow me to introduce myself: I'm Ellen Andrew, I use they/them or ze/zer pronouns, and I'm a demiromantic asexual.

...this is probably the only time I'll chime in, but oh well.

I only 'got it' recently, after thinking for many years that there was something other people were feeling that I wasn't, but being unsure what exactly that thing was. Even after reading a lot of descriptions of asexuality and a lot of descriptions that matched up to me, it took me a while to decide that they fit me.

I'm... probably the wrong person to give advice on this. I've only had one romantic relationship, and we broke up once I realised I was ace. Because sexuality was an important facet of a romantic relationship to him, and that wasn't compatible with me. No hard feelings. Doesn't have to be a big "you're ace and that's terrible, therefore you are dumped" thing.

I mean - you're not obligated to remain in a relationship situation that isn't making you happy and meeting your needs. But neither is she obligated to continue having sexual contact she doesn't really like. You really do need to sit down and work out what it is you both want and how compatible those things are with each other.

I think some people end up deciding they can't handle it and break up. Others find some kind of compromise, whatever that looks like.

I do think you're on the right track in that you shouldn't 'armchair therapist' and try and figure whether she really is ace or not, what might have caused it, and if/how she could 'fix' it. Believe her if she says she is. And if she says she's not. She might not know herself yet, that's a thing that happens.

edited 19th Jun '17 5:23:53 AM by LoniJay