Open Mic Night

Or, the "Is This Funny" thread.

I had an idea... A few years ago, but I kept forgetting about it... For a thread where we could post lines or excerpts that were supposed to be funny, to "test" them in a safe environment before sending them off to be torn apart by the internet.

I guess I'll start with this list of money-saving tips, which doesn't belong to any story in particular, but I was hoping to expand it into a larger piece at some point:

edited 20th May '14 11:02:50 PM by Wheezy

That last one was disturbing, yet oddly amusing in the most Crosses the Line Twice kind of way.

One of mine:

• I'd like to know what makes people think Percussive Maintenance is actually effective. What product or item in the past set a precedent for banging on something when it didn't work? Was there ever an instruction manual that said, "Troubleshooting: pound on table"?

I snickered.

Edit: (Although, as an aside, I have a computer at work that occasionally starts to vibrate and emit an annoying noise, but will instantly stop if you bang on it.)

edited 20th May '14 9:42:56 PM by Wheezy

"It has become apparent that you believe I am, in fact, fucking around. Let me show you otherwise."

edited 20th May '14 9:50:29 PM by BiggerBen

I didn't see it as "funny", to be honest, but it's certainly badass. It would be punchier if you removed the "in fact" and used contractions, but it's a clever line nonetheless.

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A random line I'm dying to find a use for:

edited 20th May '14 10:51:09 PM by Wheezy

It's supposed to be delivered in a high-class manner of speaking.

In that case, it's good without contractions, but I'd still lose the "in fact."

edited 20th May '14 11:02:29 PM by Wheezy

Why?

Because he thinks it'd be smoother that way. Also, the only people who actually say, "In fact!" are annoying.

• Edited because I'm not funny.

edited 21st May '14 6:52:08 PM by Poisonarrow

and - Any extra words that don't either clarify or alter a sentence's meaning are just padding.

edited 21st May '14 4:00:37 AM by Wheezy

Would "So to speak" work better?

- It still doesn't add anything.

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Maybe "as you say" or "as you would say" in its place.

I like that, but maybe

"It is apparent that you believe that I am, as one could say, fucking around. allow me show you otherwise." Followed by stabby goodness.

The speaker here is a Heroic Comedic Sociopath, knowingly speaking in the presence of a devout and sympathetic Christian. The trick on my part here is to ensure that humor value > offensiveness value.

"If there's a Hell, I'm probably headed there. But we're talking about a guy who can't keep two naked people and a snake from stealing fruit from his trees. So how the fuck's he supposed to keep a master assassin in the oven?"

edited 22nd May '14 5:48:22 AM by KillerClowns

Nice. ...Although I imagine it would be Satan's job to keep them in there, and unfortunately, he seems a little better at his job.

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edited 24th May '14 5:20:43 PM by Wheezy

What's the context for that line?

It's just a random line, but it would presumably be used in something about the role of printing in a changing world.

edited 24th May '14 10:28:22 PM by Wheezy

Oh, okay. It was pretty funny.

"As it turns out, 'He was all merely a dream.' is a pretty bad murder cover-up."

Thanks. And good start, but I think "Life is just a dream" would work better.

The implication is that they're saying the victim never existed.

edited 24th May '14 11:19:25 PM by BiggerBen

Yeah, we got that. I would either remove the "all merely" and add in "just" or change it to what he said.

"Life is just a dream" in that situation would be funnier, because then it takes it from sounding kind of... forced, and makes it sound like a comedic sociopath.

"Premember and redict are perfectly unfallacious words."

Bumpeli bump.

On the topic of Virtual Ghost:
"As the saying goes, the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead."

That's at least an excellent way to summarize the trope.

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edited 8th Jun '14 12:40:41 AM by Wheezy