How can I improve my idea?:

Total posts: [11]
I'm working on an idea for a story where my main character has been so deprived or rejected of most affection in his or her life that they have become an emotional shell of a person. The characters parents early on in their childhood neglected the child and expected only success from them, which causes all the problems in the present.

The character then has problems when it comes to relationships, especially with the other sex, which causes a vicious cycle which just further damages the character. By the present, the character just doesn't feel anymore, except for the pervasive loneliness that surrounds them.

Now that's just back story.

In the present, we find our main character going to some sort of high school or college and meeting our secondary main character.

Our secondary main character is the Foil to our main, and coincidentally the opposite sex of our main character. They are not deterred by the constant negativity surrounding the character, and strives to make the main character their friend.

Well, their little plan worked, as our main character(while still very cynical of relationships in general) quickly takes a liking to this character. This ends up leading up to the main gimmick of the story:

2nd M. Character: Hey, have you ever had a teddy bear? *Shows teddy Bear*

M. Character: No... My parents thought it was a waste of space.

2nd M.Character: But everyone should have something that could listen to anything that was bothering them! I love my teddy bear because it would always listen and I could hug it when I'm feeling down.

M. Character: ...

2nd M. Character: Is this why you seem so down? Hmm... How about I be your teddy bear* ?

Thus begins a story of our Main Characters as they go through the years, and our Main Character slowly begins to heal and move on beyond the emotional damage. It will be a story of love and friendship and a growing up story.

TL;DR description: What would happen if your friend offered to be your 'teddy bear'?

edited 8th Apr '13 12:50:37 AM by poke2201

"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." - Anonymous
2 Wolf10668th Apr 2013 03:11:13 AM from New Zealand , Relationship Status: In my bunk
Typin' strangely
What would happen if your friend offered to be your 'teddy bear'?
That'd depend on whether or not she tried singing it like Elvis...
Dangerously Genre Savvy since ages ago...
Sadly, I don't listen to Elvis. But I'll try to find the reference [lol]

EDIT: Haha, Its close, but I'd rather make her... a bit more assertive.

edited 8th Apr '13 3:26:16 AM by poke2201

"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." - Anonymous
I think you need a little more subtlety. An emotionally withdrawn person (even one who craves attention) would probably be careful saying things about their parents or childhood. They wouldn't just casually mentioned that their parents wouldn't let them have toys. I assume the main character is male so if asked about having a teddy bear, I imagine they'll use their gender as an excuse for not having a teddy bear.

To answer your question, I'm guessing the character would dismiss the question as a joke or ask them to explain what they mean. Perhaps both. If I were in that position, I would assume that the other person is trying to flirt with me and I'd probably play of it.

Also, throwing in some Elvis references will definitely improve your story.
5 EditorPallMall8th Apr 2013 08:00:41 AM from United States, East Coast
Don't Fear the Spiders
To be frank, I would call her an idiot and find new friends.
Keep it breezy!
Yeah, I was sort of condensing the scene about the teddy bear. She's a bit crazy, but hey its supposed to be a sort of a charm. The Main Character wants friends, so anyone will do at this point.

I think that Subtlety might be my weakest point. I never really thought about that.

Also its a bit of the stretch, but its a story. wink
"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." - Anonymous
7 fillerdude8th Apr 2013 08:34:19 AM , Relationship Status: Getting away with murder
The second main character sounds kinda kooky. If that's what you were going for then I guess...
Well its close to characters like Book Girl or Haruhi... But I don't see the premise working with any other kind of characters.

edited 8th Apr '13 3:50:12 PM by poke2201

"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." - Anonymous
Okay, this is definitely good stuff but here's my suggestion:

Character A would be a workaholic who only values people based on their achievements, which would make him either arrogantly disdainful or coldly dismissive toward most people. He would be uncomfortable at christmas parties and the like. He would probably masturbate freqently or see it as degrading.

Character B would be carefree and perhaps overly interested in people's thoghts and feelings, which would make her nosy and probably meddlesome (but in a good-natured way). She would be the life of the party, always joking and she'd probably make Character A uncomfortable more often than not, even after their friendship begins to grow (which should only happen about halfway through the story after a major drama that drives him to her for comfort). She'd probably be very open about sex, which would excite and maybe scare Character A at the same time.

I think if you move from broad strokes to detail, the characters will become more compelling. Character A shold be more than "miserable guy" and Character B should be more than "genki girl".
Level 3 Social Justice Necromancer. Chaotic Good.
Hmm, Im only writing in broad strokes because Im still trying to create the characters in my mind. I like the miserable character idea though. I'll probably get a write up of the characters sooner or later today so stay tuned.
"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." - Anonymous
Okay so its pretty obvious its going to be a male (main) protagonist with a female (main?) protagonist. Glad thats over.

So for Character A: This character is one of those people who was taught that emotions were a weakness, this is for all people, not just guys. He's also a perfectionist workaholic, so everyone just finds him to be an insufferable robot. Even though he acts like that, hes actually a very emotional guy deep down, but he's been trained that emotion is weakness, and so he's actually the person he hates the most. He wouldn't show it obviously. However, he wasn't that bad in the past, he was more quiet and stoic in his childhood rather than a misanthropic, cynical, emotionless college student. Still though, some people have said if you look really closely at him, you can find a scared little kid behind that hardened exterior.

Character B will be coming later.
"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." - Anonymous
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Total posts: 11