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MapleSamurai Since: Aug, 2014 Relationship Status: TV Tropes ruined my love life
#76: Sep 18th 2015 at 7:22:29 PM

Again from the drop-in D&D game I'm part of, this gem from the party's fighter: "First rule of adventuring: Never Split the Party. (beat) Where's the monk?"

Ellowen My Ao3 from Down by the Bay Since: Aug, 2013 Relationship Status: Crazy Cat Lady
#77: Sep 18th 2015 at 9:32:47 PM

that reminds me of the time I was playing a halfling monk, and the party was split because two guys were late, so it was just me, the halfling rogue, and our human fighter. the rogue propmtly metagamed and triggered a trapdoor, my Lawful-Stupid/ Loyal monk went after him, and Endar did not. " Oh no, I lost the short ones."

Got a degree in Emotional trauma via fictional characters aka creative writing. hosting S'mores party in Hell for fellow (evil) writers
Ashfire A Star Wars Nerd from In My Own Little World Since: Aug, 2013
A Star Wars Nerd
#78: Sep 18th 2015 at 9:58:02 PM

"What's the armor bonus of fruit leather?"

HisInfernalMajesty Since: Dec, 2013 Relationship Status: Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
#79: Sep 19th 2015 at 10:00:00 AM

"Life is made up of chances. I think death should be the same." - my rogue to a wizard we had captured, that I was pulling a Poisoned Chalice Switcheroo on. He's usually the Plucky Comic Relief of the group, but at that moment he was really chilling.

edited 19th Sep '15 10:00:11 AM by HisInfernalMajesty

"A king has no friends. Only subjects and enemies."
32_Footsteps Think of the mooks! from Just north of Arkham Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: THIS CONCEPT OF 'WUV' CONFUSES AND INFURIATES US!
Think of the mooks!
#80: Sep 22nd 2015 at 8:48:26 AM

Last night, an exchange from a Pathfinder game.

GM: The storm has knocked a hole in the side of the boat. The storm could pour in through it.

Sorcerer's player: Let me see what spells I could have to fix this... oh, I have summon monster I! I could summon a pony!

Me: Plug the hole with a pony? Wow, friendship is magic!

Reminder: Offscreen Villainy does not count towards Complete Monster.
MapleSamurai Since: Aug, 2014 Relationship Status: TV Tropes ruined my love life
#81: Sep 24th 2015 at 8:09:01 PM

After the DM jokingly called our characters idiots...

Me: "Idiot?" I'll have you know I have an Intelligence of 18!

GM: What's your Wisdom?

Me: No comment.

edited 24th Sep '15 8:09:43 PM by MapleSamurai

Ellowen My Ao3 from Down by the Bay Since: Aug, 2013 Relationship Status: Crazy Cat Lady
#82: Sep 25th 2015 at 9:40:23 PM

My Paladin is now almost exclusively referred to as "Mama Miri Owlbear." (Owlbear being corrupted from Henbear, because she's by turns a Mama Bear and a mother hen.)

a highlight from tonight's game. "If you are lying to me about being wounded, we will have words. by which I mean, I will have words, at you, and you will have soup."

Got a degree in Emotional trauma via fictional characters aka creative writing. hosting S'mores party in Hell for fellow (evil) writers
32_Footsteps Think of the mooks! from Just north of Arkham Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: THIS CONCEPT OF 'WUV' CONFUSES AND INFURIATES US!
Think of the mooks!
#83: Sep 29th 2015 at 7:52:44 AM

An exchange from my session last night.

GM: According to the notes you found on the shipwreck, the first mate of the slaver pirate (note: a total The Man Behind the Man situation) was the one who authorized slaves shipped on this route on this ship. These slaves weren't meant for market.

Me: Strange. Is there any indication of why?

Party Member: Do you really need details on why that first mate did something nefarious?

Me: Yes. We need to know if this is just his regular nefarious deeds, or if these were extra special nefarious deeds.

Reminder: Offscreen Villainy does not count towards Complete Monster.
MapleSamurai Since: Aug, 2014 Relationship Status: TV Tropes ruined my love life
#84: Oct 8th 2015 at 8:07:18 PM

From last night's Dn D game, our usual DM couldn't make it, so her replacement had us do a side story involving an extraplanar Blood Sport instead of continuing the main story without her.

  • Anyway, the first round of said blood sport had us fighting myconoids in a cavern, leading to a lot of jokes about us wanting to eat them, the most memorable of which happened when our Wild Magic sorcerer accidentally cast grease as a result of a flubbed roll, next to a myconoid that had already taken some fire damage...

DM: No, you're supposed to add the grease first, and then cook them!

  • Then, when the party's Noble Bigot paladin started to talk smack about the elves and tieflings of the group (including myself)...

Me: That's rich coming from the most useless sentient species on Faerun! Paladin: Well, we outnumber you! Me: Figures you'd be willing to take quantity over quality.

  • And, during our next fight, the paladin was debating with herself on whether or not to heal my character, who was dying (since Lay On Hands would entail her touching a filthy tiefling)...

Paladin: Well, on one hand, he never apologized for being a tiefling, and this would give her a chance to repent...

  • Then, when a smoke mephit the party was fighting exploded upon death...

Me: Roll a Constitution save for secondhand smoke.

edited 8th Oct '15 8:08:55 PM by MapleSamurai

Adannor from effin' belarus Since: May, 2010 Relationship Status: Buried in snow, waiting for spring
#85: Oct 20th 2015 at 5:30:07 AM

From an Exalted game. The party was standing on the slopes of a volcano arguing with it's god and it wasn't going so well. The god decided to fuck it all and let it blow, so everybody had to roll athletics to not get swept clear.

The badass monk type Zenith proceeded to roll ludicrously excessive 20 successes.
ST described it as "...The blast wave pauses in front of you and after a moment of hesitation, sheepishly goes around."

Ellowen My Ao3 from Down by the Bay Since: Aug, 2013 Relationship Status: Crazy Cat Lady
#86: Oct 20th 2015 at 8:05:40 AM

"Pipe organs don't kill people, people kill people." (we were fighting a pipe-organ construct controlled by a bard/wizard.)

Got a degree in Emotional trauma via fictional characters aka creative writing. hosting S'mores party in Hell for fellow (evil) writers
Khudzlin Since: Nov, 2013
#87: Nov 2nd 2015 at 1:49:39 AM

Our spellcaster (don't know what classe he is, he uses profane magic, but he's not a wizard) has something of an obsession with cleaning up desecrated temples (more than the paladin and the pristess, srangely enough). So when we come across a bridge that the enemy is going to sabotage, our rogue tells him "We have a temple to clean up."

Ellowen My Ao3 from Down by the Bay Since: Aug, 2013 Relationship Status: Crazy Cat Lady
#88: Nov 2nd 2015 at 7:57:38 AM

"hey, the cat-dragons are my friends! I taught them to make soup, that basically makes them family." My paladin was raised by halflings and it shows.

Got a degree in Emotional trauma via fictional characters aka creative writing. hosting S'mores party in Hell for fellow (evil) writers
Peteman Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: You spin me right round, baby
#89: Nov 3rd 2015 at 5:40:36 AM

Savrille: "Be warned, whoever wields the rod shall suffer its terrible curse!"

Drow Wizard: "How do I break the curse?"

Savrille: "That... is for you to discover."

Drow Wizard: (PC) I cast Control Undead on him. "How do I break the curse now, bitch?"

Savrille: "You honestly think if I knew, I'd be a skeleton with a meat hook up my ass?"

Drow Wizard: "...Fair enough."

32_Footsteps Think of the mooks! from Just north of Arkham Since: Jan, 2001 Relationship Status: THIS CONCEPT OF 'WUV' CONFUSES AND INFURIATES US!
Think of the mooks!
#90: Nov 3rd 2015 at 6:02:28 AM

As setup, the GM wanted to do a special one-shot session, with our current level 8 Pathfinder party going through a haunted house scenario (for Halloween, of course), everything declared non-canon ahead of time. I had to show up 90 minutes late because of family commitments.

Me: Well, it's just one session of being a bit late. How much trouble could they be in?

*I arrive at session*

GM: Hey, welcome, 32. The party is completely split, the sorcerer has been turned into a mouse, and the fighter has put on a haunted suit of armor.

Me: Okay, what else could go wrong?

Party druid: I read the notes I found on the table.

GM: Explosive runes! Roll your reflex save.

It's worth noting I ended up playing about an hour; we decided to run away from a potential TPK when the druid asked "What are the odds that all of these treasure chests are mimics?"

edited 3rd Nov '15 6:02:40 AM by 32_Footsteps

Reminder: Offscreen Villainy does not count towards Complete Monster.
Ashfire A Star Wars Nerd from In My Own Little World Since: Aug, 2013
A Star Wars Nerd
#91: Nov 7th 2015 at 3:46:22 PM

dm: The chains fall off the coffin and the waves of darkness coming off it form into the shape of a being. She's floating a few feet of the ground and has glowing eyes and impish, fanged smile.

Player 1: Does she look like she'd answer a question if I asked?

MapleSamurai Since: Aug, 2014 Relationship Status: TV Tropes ruined my love life
#92: Nov 7th 2015 at 4:47:11 PM

"My concrete lives in your bananas" - My character's attempt to speak Orcish.

AETHDH Troll with a Pen Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: They can't hide forever. We've got satellites.
Troll with a Pen
#93: Nov 22nd 2015 at 9:27:34 PM

I swear that these are not just random gibberish. They have actually come up as legitimate lines in out sessions.

"I am Caramel, lord of trapezoids." [Bluff check]

"Fear the Cabbage Lord, for I am Sin." [Miss-translation of Protean]

"My Hair is made of many tricycles." [Asked for a random phrase in another language]

"Behold, my trouser trout!" [Using Bluff to turn a magic nightmare in on itself]

"My actions are for the good of asparagus, and only asparagus." [Cleric of Madness being asked for what he fights]

"The sign on the door says bomb shop, so I’m thinking sandals." [player had just been asked what he was looking to buy]

"We’re playing hopscotch with the Henderson Scale of Plot Derailment." [We ripped out everything in an escape pod other than the life support so that we could stuff a Xenomorph, a diclonius, and a zoltan inside. The scrin then climbed onto the pod and used the recoil of his main weapon to guide the pod through space, from a perfectly good ship, to crash into a military stealth transport because we "didn't like the looks of it." 283 dead guards alter, we took control of the ship, delivered a planet cracking bomb to a world overrun by a living weapons, and evacuated the last of the survivors.]

"Raise it right and it will make you pancakes." [bard just married a naga without the bard's consent]

"The only reason for nuclear detergent is to make your clothes glow in the dark." [a player, in character, miss spoke]

"The circles are pointless!" [involving a puzzle with circles used as a distraction]

We chose Fish
Blackie My son is a dumbass Since: Nov, 2012 Relationship Status: Abstaining
My son is a dumbass
#94: Dec 1st 2015 at 7:33:26 AM

Vampire the Masquerade: "I AM GOING TO CULLEN YOU!"

Error404 Magus from Tau Ceti IV-2 Since: Apr, 2014 Relationship Status: Owner of a lonely heart
Magus
#95: Dec 1st 2015 at 6:16:01 PM

New Guy: "So, is there anything else Ishould remember?"

Me: "Geek."

Adept: "The Mage."

Rigger: "First."

MonkBarbarian Since: Mar, 2015 Relationship Status: Snogging Lavender Brown
#96: Dec 1st 2015 at 6:46:02 PM

"DON'T SEDUCE THE HARPY AGAIN YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A GOOD CHARISMA SCORE!"

edited 1st Dec '15 6:46:27 PM by MonkBarbarian

Aetol from France Since: Jan, 2015
#97: Dec 11th 2015 at 12:32:23 PM

For context : I'm playing a (friendly) werewolf in a D&D campaign. The following joke has been done at least twice :

DM : The sun rises and you all wake up.
Player : *points at me* I vote we eliminate him !

edited 11th Dec '15 12:32:54 PM by Aetol

Worldbuilding is fun, writing is a chore
Khudzlin Since: Nov, 2013
#98: Dec 14th 2015 at 4:27:37 AM

"This time it wasn't us!" Me after the healer NPC is once again burned to a crisp (the first time, it was one of us under mind control). He got better, fortunately.

Caliburn_Absolute Since: Aug, 2015
#99: Dec 16th 2015 at 11:18:42 AM

"Just remember, it's a very sarcastic prayer."

AETHDH Troll with a Pen Since: Nov, 2015 Relationship Status: They can't hide forever. We've got satellites.
Troll with a Pen
#100: Dec 19th 2015 at 9:20:12 PM

Here are a few more quotes...

The punishment is chowder-boarding.

My cysts have unionised and now tweed jackets will be mandatory.

This wall was brought to you by Astroglide!

My anus has a time-share in Palo Alto

Why are there so many signs upon rainbows?

We chose Fish

Total posts: 170
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