Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!):

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Oh, dear, I feel surprisingly awkward posting my character right after another mute character. Anyway @shiro, I feel like Marvin needs more weaknesses? I mean, yeah, he can't speak, but what else? He just feels like he needs more depth, I suppose.

Name: Elena Valerio

Age: 18

Personality: A cocky young woman who loves fighting demons and isn’t afraid to let you know it. Independent and bold, she’s a pragmatic and sometimes calculated fighter. Elena’s not afraid to push and needle her younger sister into being a better fighter but she’ll often push too far. Tends to downplay her deafness and jokes about it pretty often. Despite her bravado, she’s unsure on exactly how to be a mentor. The idea that her sister’s entire life and career depends on her training is one of the few things that absolutely terrify her. Prone to self-doubt but unwilling to admit it. Doesn’t know the meaning of the word surrender. On her downtime, she can be surprisingly mellow and even introspective. These moments are far and few between, but lead to some genuine bonding moments between sisters.

Abilities: Can jump into people’s minds to exorcise their demons. Once inside a mind, she’s able to manipulate objects that appear in the person’s thoughts and memories to create weapons she needs for demon fighting. Resistance to demonic possessions. Minor charm abilities in the real world. Has known sign language since she was a small child.

Weaknesses: She’s stubborn, argumentative and has a habit of leaving important details out of conversations. Reluctant to ask for help unless she absolutely needs it. Single-minded in whatever she's currently focusing on at the detriment of about 90 tasks. Has severe hearing loss and is mute, although she’d argue with you on whether it’s an actual weakness. Has very little access to powers in the real world, so is just as vulnerable to demon magic, besides possession, as a normal person.

Goals: Find out what’s causing the rapid increase in demon possessions and train her sister in time for her orientation ceremony

Motivation: Her grandmother has been training her since she was a child, and fighting is all she knows. She takes the task of training her sister, because she was the only one who can. Plus, fighting is fun, did she mention that yet?

Role in the story: Co-Protagonist, and slightly reluctant mentor. She also drives the truck.

Backstory: Elena was born with significant hearing loss and spent most of her childhood raised by her single mother. She was often baby-sat by her grandmother, who’d often take her on walks into strange, fantastic lands. Any attempts to tell her mother of what she saw were dismissed as just her imagination. In truth, her grandmother was acclimating her to jumping into others’ minds, although she wouldn't take her into a demon infested one until she was older. By the time she reached high school, she was already taking on lesser demons solo.

Relevant Tropes: Action Girl

Aloof Big Sister / Cool Big Sis

Blood Knight

Charm Person

Combat Pragmatist


Genki Girl


Inferiority Superiority Complex

Mind Manipulation

Our Demons Are Different

Red Oni, Blue Oni- She's the Red to her sister's Blue

Sibling Team

Silent Snarker

The Mentor

The Speechless

Tyke Bomb - Minor Heroic Example when she was younger

You Didn't Ask

edited 17th Apr '13 9:16:10 PM by Callistomajor

This post has been blanked upon request.

edited 20th Dec '13 3:45:41 PM by BestOf

I'd say I'm being refined

Into the web I descend

Killing those I've left behind

I have been Endarkened
178 shiro_okami18th Apr 2013 02:39:31 PM , Relationship Status: Anime is my true love
...can still bite
@ d Roy: The audience is privy to Marvin's thoughts. All the characters except for Rinna are not.

@ Callistomajor: I have to admit that the character started more as a gimmick or concept (What if a Deadpan Snarker was mute?), so I haven't put that much thought into him yet.
179 NickTheSwing18th Apr 2013 02:53:25 PM from Ya really wanna know? , Relationship Status: Dating Catwoman
Swing, not Slide
Mmm, interesting. A guy that looks mundane and slightly even boring early on, but absorbs more interesting character traits and influences from the environment as events go on. The cycle of character traits - good and bad - make him a hero I'd be interested in reading further about.

  • Name: Nagi "Izanagi-Sama" Sonohaki

  • Age: 28

  • Personality: Nagi at first seems like a simple, cowardly man that, despite being tall and strong, has the personality of a doormat, especially to other members of La Résistance. His own girlfriend says he's kind of boring, but extremely nice. When the magic started to show, more and more, Nagi simply ran with her. So, why are we focusing on this sad sap? Because deep down, he is a writhing mass of issues. His father is descended from an infamous foreign mercenary, and there is a recurring insanity in the family. Both his twin sisters are crazy as all get go. Nagi himself runs because he knows if he's pressed to fight, he'll rip his foes to pieces and fall in love with inflicting unimaginable carnage on his enemies. And he doesn't want to endanger his girlfriend with this, knowing that if he goes berserk for too long and in too great intensity, its likely he won't come back the same man. He's also an Anti-Nihilist, believing that the new world has no inherent worth, and its intolerable and chaotic...therefore, he will make some worth with a group of friends, build a world outside the control of the Six Warlords, and live happily with his girlfriend.

  • Abilities: With his magical lineage, he possesses incredible strength (he needs to be careful with car doors. There is also a memorable incident of him stopping a huge truck with his bare hands), and incredible resilience (taking a full 1200 rounds from a machine gun). This is not getting into his Spell Core; it is a rather more technical one called Future Grasping Hand, which lets him make magical trip wire and set spells to these trip wires, one each.

  • Weaknesses: His ability is next to useless without prep time, because for a minute or so, the trip wires are very visible. He is also very prone to over-stressing his muscles, and after a fight, he's usually barely able to move.

  • Goals: Lead "Final Remnant" to victory over the Six Warlords, the six oppressive dictators that divided Japan between themselves after the Masquerade basically shattered into a million pieces in Japan. That, and keep himself sane, and keep his girlfriend safe.

  • Motivation: He utterly rejects the idea that, with his Ax-Crazy side, he's doomed to turn evil. And he wants to show that after catastrophe and collapse, that its not impossible to rebuild society.

  • Role in the story: The Hero of the interquels.

  • Backstory: Nagi grew up in a really, really, really bad home. His father was violently insane, and beat his wife, and Nagi's older twin sisters. His mother took it all, out of a belief that it was "required" of her by society. Eventually, she died of her wounds. Nagi's dad was committed to a mental hospital, and his twin sisters succumbed to insanity. There's also the fact he's had several "almost" snaps. There was a time when he saw six guys beating up his girlfriend (its inferred their intentions were even worse than just a beating), and almost beat the thugs to death with his bare hands. So, yeah, his past sucks almost as much as Matthew's does. However, after going steady with his girlfriend, he decided to reject the idea of going insane. That is when society collapsed, the Masquerade in Japan far too taxed by powerful forces. Nagi gathered together a group of friends and allies, and swore with them to rebuild their society and government, and take down the Six Warlords currently fighting amongst themselves to take control.

  • Relevant Tropes:

  • All Men Are Perverts: His girlfriend notes that his usage of the internet in the late afternoons was tremendous. All of it was free internet porn.
  • Ax-Crazy: Unfortunately, he is very unstable and prone to violence and the love of it. Best exemplified in this line:
    • "I honestly wanted to kill them all. I wanted to crush their heads, eviscerate their bodies, soak my hands in their blood, and traverse a ground littered with their innards."
  • Badass: Looks like a simple pencil pusher, is actually incredibly built under the suits, ties and official work outfits. And there's his ability to basically fight whole groups of enemies at once, and take truly obscene amounts of punishment.
  • Berserk Button: Don't make disparaging comments about people who have no control of their craziness. And do not, do not, do not, do not hurt his girlfriend. You have no idea how much you'll be hurting. He'll blow up your army, cut off all four of your limbs, castrate you, empty your supplies of food and money, and then throw you out into the midst of an utterly empty field.
  • Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Yeah, that goofy, spacey looking office nerd Nagi, that would really rather run than fight personally? He's not a guy you want to fuck with. He can take and give a lot of damage.
  • Dark Is Not Evil: Wears a black button up shirt, black suit, and generally seems dark...until you get to know him. Then he's a big goofball. Unless you piss him off.
  • The Dreaded: His side knows him as a slightly cowardly, but very smart and funny dude who is his girlfriend's whipping boy. His enemies? They know him as the crazy bastard that blows up armies with explosives, has a homicidal side barely kept in check, and is capable of unimaginable violence, combined with the above Berserk Button incident when one of the Warlords cut out his girlfriend's eye and sent it to him. He stands up to whole gangs, machine gun fire only annoys him, and he's punched a truck once, and diverted its course.
  • Good Is Not Soft: Yeah, he's very nice and sociable, never rejects people who honestly want to join his group, and even forgives one of the Warlords when he honestly wants repentance. However, he doesn't let this get in the way of doing what's necessary.
  • Heroic Build: He doesn't show it much, in that he's shy about fanservicey poses and looks. But under his shirt, he's got incredible tone going.
  • La Résistance: Final Remnant, a resistance unit devoted to bringing back civilization in Japan, and defeating the Warlords.
  • Mad Bomber: Uses bombs a lot. He certainly fits the "Mad" part, at least some of the time. He mainly uses them because in the new world, foes expect a sudden attack with a powerful spell, not a bomb under their feet, tied to one of his Trip Wires.
  • Made of Iron: More like diamond, but the point is made. He can take a lot of hurt, and actually prefers this to getting into a fight.
  • Nightmare Fuel: To the forces of the Warlord. He is called "The Madman of Kyoto", by everyone but Final Remnant.
  • The Red Baron: Madman of Kyoto, Scar-Red Demon, and by his own side, "Izanagi-Sama".
  • Slasher Smile: Once you get him going, he'll grin and begin ripping you to shreds.
180 Masterofchaos18th Apr 2013 03:57:10 PM from the void , Relationship Status: In Lesbians with you
sophie! from mwdh
[up] I like him a lot. Although I honestly feel really bad for what he had to go through...

Wow, I haven't posted a character here in a while. Heh. Guess I should bring in another one.

Name: John Richman ( Formally John Riverson)

Age: 42

Personality: At first glance, John seems to be a easy going, confident, friendly man who wastes no time helping others. However, he's also very mysterious about himself, only leaving bits and pieces of his past and his goals. As the story progresses, it becomes more and more apparent that some of his behavior is a facade. In his past, he was the total opposite of his older brother. While Thomas had courage and had self-confidence, John was very shy and often put himself down for not being strong enough like his brother. Slowly, he tried to improve himself, and for a while it seemed to work. Then the backstory happened, and his self-loathing skyrockted. He hides it under a facade so he won't upset anyone and look like a coward. He slowly gets better, though.

Abilities: He has no powers, much like everyone else in The Chaos, but wields many guns. He mostly prefers rifles, though. Because he's a gun store owner, he has easy access to these things.

Weaknesses: He does NOT like being around/seeing fire because it's a huge trigger for him. He'll shut down immediately once that happens.

Goals: To help Nick find his father, who happens to be his older brother.

Motivation: After Nick comes to his gun store, he wastes no time helping him get prepared for his dangerous journey to find his missing father. Because Nick is, in fact, his nephew, he decides that he may have a chance to not become the failure he was in the past. More will be explained in his backstory.

Role in the story: Nick's mentor, later revealed to be Nick's uncle

Backstory: Because he's so vague about himself, no one knows who he really is. That all changed once Nick went through his files and learned the surprising truth. John is, in fact, the young fraternal twin of Thomas Riverson, Nick's father. Both were polar opposites. Thomas was rather popular with others and was well liked, while John was unpopular and was a frequent bullying target, resulting in his low self-esteem. After college, he decided to change himself-starting from changing his name from Riverson to Richman. He then took over his father's gun store after his dad retired. A few years later, he met and married Abeiyuwa. It seemed that perhaps things were going well for him after all.

Then, one day, Thomas ran into his store with exciting news: he finished his long-term project New Health and the FIC (Future Inventions Center) wanted him to showcase it. Excited, both men and their father went to Orlando to present it. However, things went horribly wrong when the machine caught on fire due to faulty wiring. This resulted in deaths of many...including John's father, who he tried to save but was knocked out after getting hit with some of the machinery.]

The guilt of the incident was bad enough, but then Thomas came to his house one night to tell him that he had to leave because he was being chased by Xavier, who believes Thomas planned the whole thing and is hellbent on revenge. He does ask his young brother one thing; that, if Nick does eventually try to find him, he would protect him. John agreed, and in order to protect his nephew, he had to sadly not tell him that he was his uncle. As the years went by, he thought he would never see his family again...until Nick stepped into the gunshop.

Relevant Tropes: Stepford Smiler (Type A), Beware the Nice Ones (he does have a lot of guns after all), Shrinking Violet (in the past), Long-Haired Pretty Boy (in the past; he's since cut it off and now has short hair), Survivor's Guilt Beneath the Mask, and, Nick, I am your uncle

Sorry if this is way too long.

edited 18th Apr '13 6:09:04 PM by Masterofchaos

181 TairaMai21st Apr 2013 12:31:20 AM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
[up]Good job, the problem is the spoilers can give too much away. But then again the purpose of this thread is a critique.

Good job, just remember not to tease the reveal for too long, lest the reader get tired. Hints are okay, but too many risk an overly long gag.

edited 21st Apr '13 12:31:55 AM by TairaMai

182 TairaMai21st Apr 2013 12:32:48 AM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
In a galaxy, where the United Earth Government has fought a civil war, losing several worlds to the Southern Cross and had a war with the Alien Cay Union, hope rides in a ship called Victory ” ~*cue theme music*~

Part 1: the ship

Name: ESS Victory

Age: Built 5 years before the series takes place

Personality: Cool Ship on the outside, Dysfunction Junction on the inside, but she's got it where it counts.

Abilities: It's a warship, a Pintsized Powerhouse, The Battlestar only smaller than a capital ship.

  • What a Piece of Junk / Awesome, but Impractical: Victory's main problem is that the class was intended to be the Jack-of-All-Trades, a multi-role ship capable of serving multiple needs and multiple missions, but ends up being a Master of None. The ESS Bernard Law Montgomery was “shrunk” down to make the Victory-class. They are supposed to be a bridge between a cruiser and a capital ship. Many detractors say Victory has the all flaws and none of the armor.
    • Too small for her engines, they nearly shook the ship apart at full power.
    • Glass Cannon: the main gun take up a lot of space in her bow, armor was removed to make way.
    • Lacks a proper autoloader due to the weapons and artificial gravity. The weapons took up space and the gravity system takes the power needed for an autoloader. The guns are“manually assisted” instead, that means crew have to move the ammo by hand to the guns.
    • Not enough room for heavy bombers/frigates, she has the smaller fighter/destroyers and scout fighters instead. Naval analysts think that this leaves the ship vulnerable without an escort.
    • The ship's sensors can be blinded by the exhaust plume of the engines. Her “baffels” are a huge blind spot at full power. The ship's sensors are powerful but again, armor was skimped on so that Victory has sensors twice the size of ships in her weight class.
    • The troop compliment is several times the size of a cruiser, again armor was “deleted” to save weight.
    • The compromise was to add more point-defense, however these systems are also manualy loaded.

Goals/Motivation: See the Tropes for Eliza, the crew will get there tropes as well.

Role in the story: The titular ship of the series.

Backstory: The Victory-class are of medium-sized vessels intended for operations in orbit (and as orbital support to ground troops) by the Earth Defense Force. They are"envisioned to be a networked, agile, stealthy combatants capable of defeating anti-access and asymmetric threats in high and low orbit. After the last Cay Union-Earth war, the Ground Forces clamored for a ship to support small “Special Operations Capable” units to police the border worlds. The Space Forces wanted ships smaller than a capital ship (so many could be built) that could still be a threat to the Cay Union's Vengeance-class heavy cruisers. Those ships frequently outweighed and out-ran Earth ships; having artificial gravity they could outlast Earth ships on patrol too. The Office of Applied Sciences reverse engineered the artificial gravity decades ago, but the power requirements meant that only the larger ships could use it. They figured out how to use the newer antimatter reactors coupled with tweaks to the ship's engines that booted power output for sensors, weapons and the gravity system. At least according to the EDF press release. The reality is that the ships are described as too much: the engines are too big (maintenance nightmares), the armor too light, the weapons too large, crew spaces too cramped and the cost too high. Given the problems with the lead ship, it was seen as a career ender for any officer. What was once a plum assignment became a dumping ground for flag officers close to retirement. For the longest time the Joint Security Area was dormant. The latest Captain, Harmon Ross, is a mild-mannered man, sent to prepare the ship and crew for a five-year assignment patrolling the JSA. Ross says that he will retire after a year. Commander Alexandra Sima hopes to take his place, she's the current executive officer. The rest of the crew look forward to an easy cruise, Ross and the Strike Force commander, said this would be a “peaceful tour”

Relevant Tropes: For the ship:

Part 2: the ship's living computer

The Spaceship Girl:Chief Data Systems Technician Eliza Rai Strauss ZY-730

Age: 45 years old, the Bio-Androids created for the United Earth Government have a 200 year life-cycle so she's very young.

Personality: The Perky Goth, the chick, spaceship girl, she's the CPU of the ESS Victory.


Weaknesses: EMP: if it gets past the ship's armor, she's screwed

Blessed with Suck/ Cursed with Awesome: plugged into the Victory, she is the heart of the ship, running all shipwide functions.

And I Must Scream: this happens when the ship's sensors are damaged or when there are bad system failures.

The Chick: as the heart of the crew she cares for them, but her efforts to mediate crew squabbles and balance out the tempers of the crew can fall on deaf ears since she's the ship's computer.

Goals/Motivation: She runs the ship. She wants to become the best ship in the fleet and complete her mission. No one gets left behind.

Role in the story: she delivers the sensor and ship related Techno Babble, she's Gwen DiMarco, only she IS the computer. She is a friend to Mae Craft AE-359, they were classmates at the Academy. She's tied to the ship but she gets her own tropes because she's a character in her own right.

Backstory: The child of Master Chief Richard Strauss XT-923 and Major Gloria Whateley ZX-715. She was “born” at the RRDC labs on Mars. Her line-siblings work in combat engineering, naval construction and a few are CPUs. Her “uncle” Master Chief Zachary Whateley ZX-710 is the CPU of the ESS Essex. At the Academy she passed the pilot's exam and the screening to be selected as the CPU of the ESS Invincible. The ship was damaged and needed a new computer. She was with the ship for years, until it was decommissioned. Eliza was at the Office of Naval Research, helping them develop new systems. Her work landed her the job as the CPU of the new Victory-class. She got the lead ship, Victory. However the design compromises and rush to get the ship launched on schedule led the ship to have many teething problems. She's named after the song “Eliza Lee”, the r in “Rai” is five letters off of “Mai”, Gloria was in the 5th Battalion, 55th Infantry Regiment, the “Triple Nickel” with COL Mai Craft TA-347 when they were just Troopers. Eliza's unaware of this.

Eliza's Relevant Tropes:

[down]edited for clarity on advice of Da Student

edited 22nd Apr '13 10:55:06 AM by TairaMai

Alright, I have to admit, I'm a bit confused. Is Eliza the anthropomorphic personification of the ship? If so, then why does she have a separate form filled out from the ship? If not, then is the ship sentient? If the ship isn't sentient, why does it have a form filled out? If the ship is sentient, why do you have two different heroes in one post? The characterization of Eliza is decent for her role, though the strangeness is really rather predictable, and too low-key to take seriously. I really honed in on that "chittering" detail, as that's the point at which you best take advantage of her bio-android status. She's human enough for me to empathize with, but not enough to be remarkable, and she's strange enough to draw my attention, but once again, not enough to be remarkable. Get some more details like the chittering in and you're on the path to an interesting character.

And, I'm gonna give my hero another go through the system, to be thorough smile: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13518198940A33780100&page=8#177
I'd say I'm being refined

Into the web I descend

Killing those I've left behind

I have been Endarkened
184 pvtnum1125th Apr 2013 11:42:32 AM from Kerbin low orbit , Relationship Status: We finish each other's sandwiches
Name: Charlotte Greene

Age: late Twenties

Personality: Sarcastic, self-depreciating. Driven to acconplish a task, focused, determined. Self-reliant, somewhat of a loner, distrusting of others.

Abilities: Mechanically-skilled, so she travels as a Journeymen Mechanic - this makes her good a picking locks, defeating and setting traps and snares, and other run-of-the-mil mechanical chores. Good shot with a rifle, scoped or not. Literate (this matters in the Fallout 'verse).

Weaknesses: Lingering issues stemming from surviving a LOT of radiation exposure when she was a teenager, including malignent cancer, lots of burn scars all over. She's physically weak and anemic, to the point in which she has trouble walking for more than a few miles without becoming totally drained. Addicted to Morphine, which she has to take daily to deal with constant chronic body pain just to function normally. Deals with withdrawl symptoms a few times due to problems with maintaining a steady supply of the drug, but is hopelessly reliant on the stuff. Quite possibly has PTSD. Due to these weaknesses, she limits her travels to settlements and travelling with groups if she can arrange it.

Goals: Eventually, get to a major settlement and settle down as a mechanic with her own shop.

Motivation: To prove to others that she doesn't need other people's help, although she's being proven wrong on that point on a regular basis.

Role in the story: POV character. Contracted with a Caravan group to provide them firearms maintenance and servicing in return for free passage to the next settlement on their route. Eventually becomes their official mechanic.

Backstory: Charlotte grew up on a small settlement and learned mechanical principles and marksmanship from her father. Although her older sister was supposed to be the mechanical whiz-kid, Charlotte had a natural affinity for it and picked up the skills better. Scored second place at the town's Youth marksmanship event twice, first place once, all of which were on the bench-rest rifle section (but she's a lousy shot with pistols). Exposed to a very nasty radiation dose as a teen while picking an aircraft for salvage, she has been dealing with the aftermath of surviving that experience ever since.

Relevant Tropes: I have no idea - I set out to write her without an actual Trope in mind, after playing a particularly skilled by very fragile character build in Fallout New Vegas, and has to justify why I selected Strength and Endurance being both set to 1. The concept eventually became a short story with her as the POV character, in an attempt to write a strong female character who is anything but strong (in terms of physical strength anyway). I suppose Don't You Dare Pity Me! applies to some degree. Much work remains to be done to flesh her out as a character, as she feels a bit wooden to me at this point.
Happiness is zero-gee with a sinus cold.
"And, I'm gonna give my hero another go through the system, to be thorough smile: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=13518198940A33780100&page=8#177"

I wasn't kidding about that, you know.
I'd say I'm being refined

Into the web I descend

Killing those I've left behind

I have been Endarkened
Dapper Gentleman
[up][up]You're probably right that this character could use a bit more fleshing out—what you have here is more a list of skills and weaknesses than a complete personality—but still, what you have now was enough to intrigue me. I like the "vulnerable, yet skilled and independent" idea that forms the basis for her character, as it's a personality type I don't really see explored all that often. Just ponder what her goals are, what her hopes are, what her fears are, how she gets along (or doesn't) with other characters, etc., and you should have a great protagonist.

[up]As for your character, I must say that dying and then turning up in someone else's body is quite a powerful inciting incident. As for what follows, the recurring theme I gathered was that of an average fellow in extraordinary circumstances, a reluctant hero with a heavy dose of I Just Want to Be Normal. While I don't know the details of how your 'verse works, it would seem that this chap is something of an exception to most of its rules (not using magic, etc). It's probably worth putting some thought into his impact on other characters and the society in general. If he's something of a revolutionary figure, is he hated? Revered? Both? How does he react to the attention? You seem to have a good character here, but I feel like the real strength will come from his interactions with the setting. But then, you have a whole plot planned; I just don't know much about it.
"And every life is a special story of its own." —The Stargazer, Mass Effect 3
Dapper Gentleman
And now, as for my own character...

Name: Nicole Andrews

Age: Initially seventeen, though the series in which she stars will take place over several years. Hers is something of a coming-of-age story.

Personality: Words that come to mind to describe Nicole are “Feisty,” “Argumentative,” and “Assertive.” She’s a member of the debate team at her high school, and even in day-to-day life, she’s up for an argument about nearly anything. She’s very determined and never backs down from a challenge, especially if someone else calls her abilities into doubt. On the other hand, however, her argumentative nature leads her to take nothing at face value. Nicole tends not to trust people until given a good reason to do so, and questions everything she’s told. However, once someone has gained her trust, she’s a fiercely loyal friend, and she hates to be alone above all else.

Abilities: Nicole is A Fish out of Temporal Water; as such, she doesn’t have the level of technological and cultural know-how possessed by those around her. She makes up for this with the aforementioned determination and assertiveness, plus a perceptive and inventive mind. She’s fairly athletic and very social; she tends to make friends and acquaintances easily. Special powers in my setting are derived from technology (armor, guns, et cetera), with which she becomes increasingly proficient with practice.

Weaknesses: Nicole’s lack of trust in people, institutions, et cetera hurts her at least as often as it helps her; many times she misses out on good and helpful things and people due to suspicion. Also, her situation places her at a significant disadvantage at first; it’s roughly analogous to Unceremoniously dropping an ancient Roman into the 21st Century, and that takes quite a bit of adjusting to.

Goals/Motivation: Nicole is abruptly introduced to a new world at the beginning of the story, and as she discovers more about her surroundings, her motivation will change substantially. At first, however, it’s simple: Find out more about the people and places around her, decide who to trust, and develop some way to fend for herself. One way or another, she’s definitely not going to trust the official story she’s given about the place; she needs to find out for herself. Role in the Story: Fish out of Temporal Water whose sudden appearance unbalances a very precarious political situation and interests ‘good guys,’ ‘bad guys,’ and individuals representing the many shades of grey in between. She starts out as a student at the Hanging Gardens, a massive omni-disciplinary academy, but after she graduates she becomes a true wild card on the galactic stage.

Backstory: Nicole was just your average high school senior from Middle-of-Nowheresville, Ohio…or that was what she thought. At least, until her debate coach informed her of the truth behind her life: She hadn’t been living in small-town America at all, but on a planet called the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus that was designed to replicate various times and places from humanity’s past. Part museum, part massive historical re-enactment, Halicarnassus is full of Romans, Americans, Victorian ladies and gentlemen, and many more, all confined to their own regions, all unaware that they aren’t living in the time and place that their surroundings were designed to emulate. After telling her all this, Nicole’s coach gave her a Red Pill, Blue Pill choice: escape, or remain where she was. Unable to resist the lure of the future, Nicole decided to accompany the coach (despite not being sure who he really was; his motivations for offering Nicole this choice went conspicuously unexplained). He led her to the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, an orbital colony serving as a giant, omnidisciplinary academy, and then left her there—but not before warning her that no one at the Gardens was to be trusted. Nicole was left to make her own way in a world she couldn’t comprehend, a relic of the past about to come to terms with the future…

Relevant Tropes:

Action Girl: Eventually becomes one.

Brainy Brunette: Was chosen for her perceptivity, tenacity, and creative thinking, and, well, has brown hair.

Curiosity: What got her into this whole mess in the first place. Wouldn’t you want to know what the future is going to be like?

The Chosen One: After a fashion, though she was selected due to her particular combination of traits and skills rather than via prophecy as is somewhat more common for this trope. Fish out of Temporal Water

Four-Temperament Ensemble: As Choleric as they come; her companions fill in the other three roles.

Hot-Blooded: Can and will argue with anyone about anything, and never backs down from an argument until she’s won.

Muggles: Compared to the other denizens of the setting.

Oblivious to Love: Not great with the subtle interpersonal cues. Anyone who likes her will usually have to be pretty darn overt about it.

Properly Paranoid: Immediately assumes that the civilization in which she now lives harbors some deep secrets; is right.

Refuge in Audacity: In the first book in which she is to appear, she enrolls as a student at the Hanging Gardens academy at the start of the story. A few weeks later, she’s breaking into the office of its president, who wields tremendous power and influence throughout the galaxy.

The Watson: Is something of an audience surrogate regarding galactic civilization and its various quirks.

Took a Level in Badass: Necessary to keep up with everyone around her.

Undying Loyalty: It takes a lot to earn Nicole’s trust, but once finally given, it’s a bond not easily broken.

edited 25th Apr '13 2:41:41 PM by BrotherMycroft

"And every life is a special story of its own." —The Stargazer, Mass Effect 3
188 pvtnum1125th Apr 2013 03:55:30 PM from Kerbin low orbit , Relationship Status: We finish each other's sandwiches
Interesting premise, BM. Thanks for the critique, also. smile
Happiness is zero-gee with a sinus cold.
189 Misuki27th Apr 2013 04:02:06 PM from Texas, USA , Relationship Status: Married to the job
Discworld Denizen
All right, I'm gonna give this a shot with my NaNoWriMo protagonist! grin I actually haven't read the story since I wrote the ending, but I've thought about going back to edit it.

Name: Lucian of Pisces (As a missionary of the Zodiac Orders, he is given the Zodiac title based on his home temple.)

Age: 23 years old

Personality: He's rather idealistic. Lucian is always trying to look at the bright side - even in troubling situations. He is an optimist to the core, and can never imagine the worst case scenario being even a slim possibility. He has a lot of faith, in both his God, Orion and his best friend/bodyguard, Ivan. Lucian is determined and driven, and that faith pulls him through his toughest hardships.

Abilities: Light Magic. It usually comes in the form of a Holy Hand Grenade, using his staff as a medium. Lucian can make light form any shape he wants, and he can bounce it off reflective surfaces such as mirrors. (He usually prefers to keep things simple and use a straight line or a circle of light though.)

He also has the ability to heal his allies, which was another form of light magic he learned from his Holy Order.

Weaknesses: Despite having powerful natural magic and good healing, Lucian is not really the Action Hero type at all. He supports his bodyguard/companion Ivan from the back lines. When faced in direct combat with someone more experienced (like the mercanaries that chase him throughout the story), he does not fare very well.

There is also a physical limit to how much magic he can use. If he doesn't have a staff to keep it in control, the blasts are much more potent, but as a trade-off, it's a lot more taxing on his body. He could even pass out mid-battle if he's not careful.

Goals: He wants to find the Celestial Key, a mythical relic that will allow anyone to open the gates to the Realm of Orion. (Everyone has looked for it to speak to Orion personally, because there are troubles in the world they think only the big God can sort out.)

After that, he just wants to go home and return to being a missionary.

Motivation: He wants his homeland to be safe, before all else. He thinks finding the key will end the sudden spread of human vice, and will stop his home region of Pisces from becoming a Wretched Hive the way some towns already have.

Role in the story: He's a missionary. Along with searching for the key, he helps people in need and gives them the word of the Almighty Orion. Most of the time, he heals the sick and wounded, while other times he supports his friend, The Lancer, Ivan in battle.

Backstory: Lucian was raised in the monastery since he could remember. He was one of the many orphans that were taken in and raised by the clergy. During his time there, he grew to idolize one of the higher-ranked priests named Father Aaron. He learned light magic to heal and smite from him.

However, just when Lucian received his official title was a Missionary for the Pisces Order, he heard news that Father Aaron was excommunicated for a crime against the church. He tried to find out why this happened, but his search led to dead ends.

Just when he was starting to grow dissatisfied, the voice of the Sky Emperor, Orion spoke to Lucian in a dream. He told him that there was a prisoner up on a mountain called Aries Peak, who had "served his sentence, and was ready for release." Only holy magic could undo the seal.

Lucian, with his high faith complied with this request of his God, venturing to the mountain alone. There he met the prisoner Orion spoke of - a young man named Ivan.

Without any reservations, he freed Ivan almost immediately. Grateful for his release after a 100-year sentence, Ivan promised to follow and protect Lucian for as long as he could.

Relevant Tropes:

Happily Adopted: By Father Aaron, at least until the latter's excommunication.

Incorruptible Pure Pureness: Not motivated by money, promises of power, or even the idea of sainthood.

Wide-Eyed Idealist: Couldn't imagine anything remotely bad happening, because he believes Orion or his home deity Pisces is right there beside him.

God of Good: Well, he wants to think that Orion is all-merciful, but Ivan has a hard time believing that.

Heroic B.S.O.D.: When he finds out the truth about the Celestial key, it's enough to break his idealism in two. The truth is: The Celestial Key is not a "key". It is the heart/soul of the most selfless and generous person living in Orion's land. Lucian could never take the life of another, even to "save" his homeland and the rest of the world from the rising human vice. It hits him even harder that it's a kind-hearted, innocent soul who must serve as a Human Sacrifice.

Big Damn Heroes: Pulled off at least once alongside his sidekick Ivan, when they both save their third teammate, Dylan from a standoff.

edited 27th Apr '13 4:05:31 PM by Misuki

"This is not a game. Here and now, we are alive."
You're really supposed to comment on BM's hero. sad He was nice enough to comment on mine, and, y'know, it's the whole premise of the fucking thread.
I'd say I'm being refined

Into the web I descend

Killing those I've left behind

I have been Endarkened
191 Masterofchaos27th Apr 2013 06:21:54 PM from the void , Relationship Status: In Lesbians with you
sophie! from mwdh

Please don't lash out like that DA. They made an honest mistake.

But to other posters, please remember to comment the above troper's character before you post yours.
192 Misuki27th Apr 2013 07:20:52 PM from Texas, USA , Relationship Status: Married to the job
Discworld Denizen
[up][up][up] My apologies! I just thought the short sentence of "your character looks interesting" was some type of feedback and I was free to post. Anyway, I suppose I this thread one.

What I like about Nicole already is that she starts off a certain age, but grows and matures. I'm rather fond of a Coming-of-Age Story myself, just because there is a lot of potential for character development.

"Questioning who you can trust" is a pretty good conflict to have a character go through. When they are in a place where there is no set "right" or "wrong", and they have to find out the answers on their own, it adds gravity to the situation. For me, the conflict Nicole faces is a pretty believable one, because I'm sure a lot of us have experienced times in our life when we have to seek the truth because we feel like it's not there in front of our eyes. I think readers will relate a lot to that.

How do you plan on handling the Fish Outof Temporal Water trope specifically? Will it be played seriously? It sounds like a serious tone that I am reading about here.

Another question I have to ask is "what will be the consequences Nicole faces for being so questioning to everything she's told to do?" I have a feeling it will be more than just a slap on the wrist.

Overall, the concept sounds intriguing. I feel like I could know a little more about the world you've built and maybe some more of your plot before I know how much Nicole fits into it all.

edited 27th Apr '13 7:21:17 PM by Misuki

"This is not a game. Here and now, we are alive."
Organized Canine Bureau Special Agent
This one is the main protagonist of a Philippine law enforcement post-cyberpunk novel idea that I'm still trying to work on. Some of you may see that it's a reference to the GITS SAC series, which partially inspired me to do this story (and character).

Note that things may change when I have the chance to continue working down on my novel idea.

  • Name: Police Senior Inspector Mark Chen
  • Age: 29
  • Personality: Although a kind, smart and brave man willing to put his life on the line to help someone, Mark refuses to let most of his family/friends get the better of him since he was always being criticized for joining the Philippine National Police instead of being a businessman. He also refuses to see corrupt officials, especially those in law enforcement, do whatever they want since they are betraying the public trust and are oppressing those who are helpless. As such, Mark will do everything in his power to have them apprehended, even if it means going against his superiors. He does not hesitate to help his family/friends if they are in trouble, even though most of them question Mark's decision to be involved with the police. He tends to be a deadpan snarker if someone talks ill of him, the unit or his family/friends.
  • Abilities: Thanks to his education at the Philippine National Police Academy, P S/Insp. Mark Chen is familiar with Philippine criminal law, as well as the inner working of the PNP. Due to his posting in the Special Action Force, he is also familiar with small arms, guerrilla warfare, CQC/martial arts and commando tactics. He also has experience leading SAF teams during his time with the unit, leading to his leadership skills. Mark also drives vehicles such as sedans, vans and motorcycles.
  • Weaknesses: Since he is fully human with no prosthetic parts in him, Mark has no chance to fight individuals who have cyborg parts in their bodies and survive unless he uses firearms/weapons that have strong armor piercing properties. In addition, he tends to let feelings get the better of him if anything personal gets in his way such as family or friends in trouble with the bad guys when innocent people are in trouble. In addition, Mark is prone to get mad when someone personally insult him, which leads to fistfights. This problem came up when he was bullied back in grade school all the way to college. Although for both instances, Mark is trying to control his temper. He is also constantly reminded not to do anything that would cost him or his comrades their lives even though he denies it. His CO tend to disagree.
  • Goals:
    • To ensure everyone in the Philippines is safe from criminals/terrorists in a post-cyberpunk environment.
    • Live another way of life away from his business-minded family.
    • Lead the National Counter-Terrorism Action Group's new elite anti-crime/terrorist unit team to the best of his leadership abilities.
  • Motivation: He agrees to lead the NCTAG's elite anti-crime/terrorist unit to get revenge on True Anonymous, the hacker terrorist group responsible for killing most of his subordinates in a SAF raid. Later on, he stays with the unit as a way of having another direction in life away from his siblings since all of them are involved in his late father's business empire.
  • Role in the story: Mark is the main protagonist of the story as the new leader of the NCTAG's elite anti-crime/terrorist unit in a post-cyberpunk Philippines despite having a few years of leadership experience after the previous one was killed in the line of duty. Redeem himself for the disastrous SAF raid to arrest members of True Anonymous.
  • Backstory: Mark Chen is the youngest son with two older sisters and two older brothers. His father is a known businessman who controls a conglomerate ranging from shipping to retail, fast food and vehicle dealerships. However, Mark disappeared after he graduated from college in the United States, baffling most of his family/friends to where he went to. He later resurfaced as a commissioned officer with the rank of Police Inspector. Because he was the first Chinese-Filipino to be a PNP officer with the rank of P Insp., he became the darling of the PNP in the organization's attempts to recruit Filipinos of various ethnic origins to join the police service. He joined up with the Special Action Force, the PNP's elite anti-crime/terrorist unit before he was promoted to P S/Insp., as well as leading a section of the SAF's 1st Battalion. A SAF-led raid to arrest members of True Anonymous for criminal/terrorist activities in Philippine soil turned to a disaster when SAF teams were ambushed by small arms fire and hackers messing with their electronic equipment, including comms. Leading to accusations from the media and certain high-ranking PNP officials that he was one of the few to be blamed for the failed raid, Mark got angry and fired back at his accusers before he tendered his resignation from the unit. Later on, someone from the NCTAG offered him a chance to lead the organization's new elite anti-crime/terrorist after its previous leader died in the line of duty. After assuming the post with much hesitation, the unit became involved in its assignment to apprehend members of TA after a series of incidents were attributed to them.
  • Relevant Tropes: (At least some that immediately apply to him)
    • Cool Car: Drives with a 2013 Dodge Challenger SRT8 392 with five-speed automatic transmission in Pitch Black finish or a 2015 Chevrolet Camaro SS with a Summer White finish when on duty. Off duty, Mark uses a 2015 Dodge Challenger SRT 392 with a Granite Crystal finish.
    • Combat Pragmatist: Considering that he and his fellow agents are human, they need to be this against cyberized bad guys.
    • Chronic Hero Syndrome: Tends to be this whenever someone is in trouble.
    • Deadpan Snarker: One way for Mark to channel his anger away from trouble with his superiors.
    • Berserk Button / Hair-Trigger Temper: Insult him or his family/friends and you're in trouble. Especially when he decides on the beating option.
    • It's Personal: After being one of the few surviving SAF operators in the botched raid, leading to his quest to take down TA.
      • Whenever Mark finds out that the bad guys are targeting family/close friends.
      • When he assumed the post of being the new leader of the NCTAG's unit.
    • Omniglot: Mark speaks fluent English, Tagalog, Fookien and some Mandarin.
    • Rare Guns: Mark uses a Pindad PS-01 assault pistol with 5.56x21mm AP ammunition as his personal sidearm to deal with armored criminals/terrorists, especially those with military/black market-made prosthetics. It had been phased out by Pindad due to a lack of interest, but recently started production again due to the need of weapons that can deal with cyberized bad guys. This was bought with funds provided by the NCTAG. This is in comparison to the other agents/officers mostly armed with Glock 17s converted to fire Belgian-made 7.92x24mm AP ammo.
    • Shell-Shocked Veteran: Haunted by the disastrous botched raid from time to time.
    • The Captain / You Are in Command Now: Mark is this after being the next leader of the NCTAG's unit with a few years of leadership experience.
    • Weak, but Skilled: Fully human, but that doesn't stop Mark from trying to even the odds against him.
  • Theme song:

edited 8th May '13 10:32:52 AM by Ominae

"Exit muna si Polgas. Ang kailangan dito ay si Dobermaxx!"
194 TheMuse5th May 2013 09:23:58 AM , Relationship Status: Browsing the selection
[up]Interesting character. (Keep in mind I have not seen the original series that you are referencing) In my opiion he needs a couple more flaws than simply some anger issues. (Unless it's severe to the point that it's his Achiles Heel) I also hope you have a developed supporting cast as well, because having a main character who is simply 'The Hero' can get a little boring after a while.
195 TheMuse5th May 2013 09:25:58 AM , Relationship Status: Browsing the selection
I'm still in the process of developing and fleshing out this character, so keep in mind that it's still a work in progress. I'd just appreciate any comments or criticism that you have.

  • Name: (None finalized as of now, I’ll just refer to her as ‘Ann’)
  • Age: 21
  • Personality: Independent, doesn’t feel very comfortable staying in one place for very long. Is often friendly towards others, not afraid to speak her mind, but is wary of sharing her emotions and other deep thoughts with others. Isn’t afraid of hard work (even manual labor) or taking orders, as long as they come from someone that she believes is worthy of her respect. She believes that respect needs to be earned. Can appear to be extremely confident, but, deep down, this isn’t entirely true. Is very loyal to her friends and does not forget grudges easily.
  • Abilities: She has the ability to read in a setting where there isn’t widespread education. She is a mage (not very unusual in her setting) She has also been trained by a former soldier, making her a quite adept warrior.
  • Weaknesses: Can act very recklessly (which can occasionally put others in danger, even though that is the opposite of what she’s trying to do) and doesn’t think much of putting herself in harm’s way. She still has much to learn about fighting
  • Goals: To help bring down the Evil Empire and get revenge on her brother. In addition to keeping her loved ones safe.
  • Motivation: Shares a good deal of resentment against her brother who pulled a Face–Heel Turn. This is essentially the a major reason why her support isn’t just simply ‘I’ll go out of my way to help my people,” but is in fact(to put it bluntly):“Fuck this, I’m doing this myself.”
  • Role in the story: A POV character, has a couple subplots dedicated to her Character Arc. Her perspective is used to deliver information to the reader about some aspects of the Evil Empire.
  • Backstory: Was raised by parents who fought constantly, her older brother (6 years her senior) took advantage of this by taking sides in arguments, which allowed him to receive material gifts and affection from his parents. Her neutrality led to her brother becoming the favorite child and her often fading into the background. She looked up to her brother a great deal for the entirety of her childhood. After a major attack by the Evil Empire, her brother ran away to join the 'dark side' when she was 15, causing her family to believe he had died.
    • Her parents still regarded her as The Unfavorite which led her to run away from home when she was 17. Along the course of her traveling, she saw her brother for the first time since he had left. She was pleasantly surprised, as she had believed he had died and did not know that he had joined the Evil Empire.They discussed their current accommodations, he offered to allow her to join him as he believed she could be a valuable asset to their cause. She accepted the offer initially, but quickly realized what side he had pledged allegiance to and became disgusted with him. He still left the offer open, but she hurriedly left and traveled aimlessly through the wilderness for a while.
    • At one point she received shelter from a young, former soldier with PTSD (let’s call him ‘Blake’). Once she learned of his former service, she demanded he teach her to fight. She learned a great deal, and in the course of both training and sharing of close experiences, they became close friends and have been since then. Very few of the major militaries of the 'Good Side' would take the prospect of her in combat seriously (mostly due to her inexperience and some sexism of the setting) so she was forced to become the servant of the wealthy, 'Muggle' family of another main character to raise money to send back home to 'the cause' (this is where the story begins)
Relevant Tropes:

edited 5th May '13 9:27:22 AM by TheMuse

196 TairaMai5th May 2013 06:40:15 PM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
[up]@Muse, Acting recklessly: does your act without thinking? Is she prone to Attack! Attack! Attack! or is it a (relatively) slow burn?

Training by a former soldier: upside, she knows how most mooks fight, isn't intimidated by a mook with a dagger, can recognize a pro from some random dude with a hunting knife.

Downside: depending on how skilled the soldier was her training won't cover all instances, her techniques could be limited, her fighting style would be a dead giveaway if the solider was from a region with a specific fighting style. Remember, you can learn a lot from a man with scars, btu you can learn more from the man how gave him those scars. cool

there are many name databases on the internet that can give you the meaning behind a name.

edited 5th May '13 7:24:29 PM by TairaMai

Organized Canine Bureau Special Agent

- Thanks for the input. I honestly don't know if I need more flaws aside from having personal issues to deal with TA and the fact that he can die against a cyberized criminal/terrorist. But maybe that'll come later.
"Exit muna si Polgas. Ang kailangan dito ay si Dobermaxx!"
198 TairaMai5th May 2013 07:47:03 PM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
In a galaxy, where the United Earth Government has fought a civil war, losing several worlds to the Southern Cross and had a war with the Alien Cay Union, hope rides in a ship called Victory ” *cue theme music*

I give you the XO of the Earth StarShip Victory:

Commander Alexandra Sima

Age: 43

Personality: Lady of War/ Iron Lady, toughness, ruthlessness, and coldness her stock in trade due to the stress of patrolling the Joint Security Area.

Abilities: A military officer, trained fighter pilot, see High-Speed Missile Dodge/ Improbable Aiming Skills. She is an expert at reading people, allowing her to predict her crew's actions in battle and outwit her enemies Currently the Executive Officer of the Victory.


Goals/Motivation: Wants to be a Captain, has been passed over for promotion because of her Weaknesses.

Role in the story: She is the XO /The Spock of the ESS Victory and the mean boss of the heroes.

Backstory: A military brat her father was a engineer, her mother a deck officer. She joined the EDF out of high school then went to college, becoming an officer with the goal of being a captain. Her star was rising in the aftermath of the last UEG-Cay Union war. Then she tried to cash in on that good fortune. Soon she was seen as a glory hound, and thenblood knight when Earth should be looking for peace. She was commanding a desk when the ESS Victory was in the shipyard. Soon she was the XO of the new Victory class lead ship. On paper the “war hero” was a natural fit. In reality she was kicked upstairs.

Relevant Tropes:

  • A Mother to the Crew: she will develop into the Team Mom but first she has to get over herself.
    • Hidden Heart of Gold: she keeps a professional distance from her crew but frets over them in private, remembers birthdays
  • Reassigned to Antarctica : After the last Cay Union war, the JSA was a hot assignment, now in the “era of peace” it's the hinterlands. The EDF's main line of defense (and the plum assignments) are the colonies in Earth space along the border with the Cay Union, not the neutral zone. Sima resents that the Victory is an albatross around her neck.
  • Former Desk Jockey: worked security and garrison command on several space stations before she became Victory's XO. She has friends in High Places, just none that could get her a command.
  • You, Get Me Coffee: what she asks of the infantry bio-androids assigned to guard the bridge
  • Pet the Dog : in this case Trooper First Class Rebecca Song, Sima's taken a liking to the cheery bio-android.
  • The Mentor: will mentor any officer or crew member working with her, bio-androids are no exception
  • Even the Girls Want Her: her academy days
    • Green-Skinned Space Babe: had an “affair” with a martissan pilot, but cultural differences and deployments killed the relationship.
  • FantasticRacism: how Mae and Dr. Harkon see it, subverted, she doesn't hate bio-androids or martissans, she hates Dr. Harkon personally and is jealous of Mae's fame.
  • Dismissing a Compliment: believes that no one would find an officer stuck out in the boonies to be desirable, leads to Heroic Self-Deprecation
  • Les Yay / Tsundere : With the bio-andriods Mae and her sister Averil
  • The voice of sanity/By-the-Book Officer: for the crew, Averil outright calls her this and praises her for it leading to...
  • Luminescent Blush/Think Unsexy Thoughts/ Running Gag : when Lt Cmdr Averil Craft takes over Victory's fighter squadron, mostly because Averil is holding a position above her grade, just like Sima did at that rank...
  • Lipstick Lesbian : when she lets her guard down, she's tried to start a relationship, but she brings the stress of command with her after duty hours, she claims that she hasn't found the right woman.
  • High-Speed Missile Dodge/ Improbable Aiming Skills: She's an ace pilot who still has skills in the cockpit.

edited 8th May '13 3:10:38 PM by TairaMai

199 TairaMai7th May 2013 04:25:52 PM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs

~revives thread with a BUMP~
200 NickTheSwing7th May 2013 09:16:13 PM from Ya really wanna know? , Relationship Status: Dating Catwoman
Swing, not Slide
[up][up] Ooh, a pilot protag. I guess a Periphery Demographic will be especially attracted to her, though I would say that she definitely has merits and a good personality aside from such things. She definitely seems to be an interesting protagonist, and you don't see many lesbian female officer main characters. Her development to Team Mom will be interesting, and she seems like the archetypal Leader to the protagonists.

Sounds like she has some character issues to work on, and watching her mature into a Team Mom will be interesting indeed.

  • Name: Khaos / Leon Delkaye

  • Age: Seven Thousand Six Hundred and Nine. Looks twenty one.

  • Personality: When you hear the words "High King of Darkness" and "the Lord of Darkness That Is", you probably picture a typical Demon Lord or such. You probably didn't see him as a rather conflicted young man who is astoundingly nice, considerate and has some tendencies towards teasing people. Yes, Khaos, despite his occupation as one of the Eight Demon Lords, never quite lost his humanity. He does act extremely serious and stoic when he's expected to look dignified and powerful, but that's so his fellow Lords do not see him as weak. When he's sure nobody's looking, he smiles, jokes around, and teases people. All the same, he has a big issue in that Zeufonis, the Lord of Light and one of the chief Light Gods, kidnapped his love interest, Belliana. Ever since that happened, Khaos has led the Dark Gods in a Forever War, but in contrast to most of them, he really, really hates this idea, and is utterly ashamed of his weakness that led to this war. He apologizes a lot, mostly because he has a guilty complex that leads him to blaming himself for things he really had no control over. Despite ruling the Dark Gods, he cannot do this very effectively, because they're all older than him and vastly more machiavellian. While Khaos is a capable tactician, he despises the "ends justify the means" idea. "If a mean is repulsive, the end will end up becoming just as repulsive and disgusting as the mean". He has a bizarre attitude toward people who worship him; he is embarrassed that "people would worship an unworthy, weak, and foolish man like me", and he's ashamed that his war has made him neglect his followers. He prefers to let his followers solve their own problems through their will...and by "filling them with strength". He believes that true personality development and real strength come from working through problems with your friends and family, and never giving up, no matter what the odds are. "If I grant miracles to people just for standing around all day praying to me, what kind of message will that send?"

  • Abilities: While the story that features him as the hero sees his power drastically reduced (having a God as a protagonist would make conflict too short), he's still a very accomplished user of True Darkness, which fits the mold of The Sacred Darkness, being a protecting, cleansing power, mostly used to counterattack foes and make deflecting shields, or even sword beams. He demonstrates some incredible strength and speed, and is very impressive at counterattacks. A Master Swordsman with more than a few thousand years of experience.

  • Weaknesses: Bound as he is in the physical shell of a young man who had been reduced to a perhaps permanent coma during a battle, while his power has decreased by a measure, he is extremely vulnerable now to physical injury. Not to mention that all Spells Of Loyalty that compel his servants to serve him exclusively are now broken. This meant that the likes of Silmarill and Mirach don't have to serve him. While most of his Geigs stay loyal, some break out and decide to help the secret conspiring "ally" Vicelogia. Not to mention that he has a lot of enemies, including religious fundamentalists who think he's Satan.

  • Goals: Stop Aleina from attaining the Branch of Concordance. She would spread its Curse of Death over the planet, not only gaining a powerful weapon, but also murdering 98.9 percent of the world's population. Note that "regain my Godly powers" is not mentioned here.

  • Motivation: He failed once, in being unable to protect Belliana. He will not fail to protect people he's sworn to protect again. And he feels personally responsible for Aleina's existence, viewing her someone very close to him, and that her depravity is directly caused by his inattentive nature.

  • Role in the story: The Hero of New Dawn: Dark Days 364

  • Backstory: How Khaos became a Demon Lord is that in the olden days, the Gods of Light and the Gods of Darkness fought together against the tyrannical Old Gods, and sealed them away, possibly forever. However, this peace was not to last, due to the conflicting personality types in the groups. They split, officially, into two groups, but were not called "of Light" or "of Darkness" just yet. That comes later. Khaos met Belliana, a beautiful Elven woman, in those old days, and the two were almost an instant match. Belliana's good heart and intelligence let her rein in Khaos' more hair brained ideas, while she felt truly joyful in the presence of Khaos' smile, happiness, and romantic nature. Right as Khaos was getting ready to bring her to his Citadel and Castle Lea Miris, Zeufonis killed eight of his Geigs and kidnapped Belliana. A furious Khaos demanded an explanation, but none was given. Zeufonis was protected by his fellow Lords of the Light, due to his role in slaying the Old Gods. Feeling that their sense of honor had robbed him of his loved one, Vicelogia, the one called The Knowledge of Death, advised Khaos to revolt and declare war on the Gods of Light, and reclaim the woman he loved. Rather than try further to present his case, in his moment of weakness, he agreed and almost murdered Zeufonis. This act of war divided the Gods, and both sides sank into trenches, and began a war that would rage on from ancient days until the modern times, unbeknownst to the Earth around them as they created the Masquerade to protect Earth from their fighting. Khaos would, however, be wounded badly by treachery on his own side, stabbed multiple times in the back and forced into the body of a boy struck into a coma during a fight between a cult's fanatical members and a family trying to leave it behind. Khaos' power, while drastically reduced, was sufficient to repel the cult. It was then that he met Shuuji and some of Matthew's group, who decided to help the Dark God stop Aleina, a dangerous being that split off of Alina, and who began spreading destruction, chaos and malice across the land simply for her own amusement.

  • Relevant Tropes:
    • A God Am I: A complete aversion. He doesn't consider his role to make him superior or able to get away with whatever he wants, and actively detests people who think like that. "Its just a mantle...no matter what, you can't dodge the consequences of your own actions. Nobody can".
    • Berserk Button: Do not, and I repeat, do not, beat women in Khaos' presence. He will bury you. And also, do not speak lightly about consequences or say that you are above them.
    • Bishōnen: His true form is an incredibly pretty young man, called "androgynously handsome" a lot, and to complement it, he even gets perpetual molt, even though he has energy wings.
    • Closet Geek: He named Silmarill for the Silmarillion, and in general is a big fan of Tolkien and an even bigger Star Wars nerd. When his love interest denies watching him sleep, he says she should search her heart and she knows its true. She nods, blushing.
      • Sadly, though, his knowledge of modern culture and such stops past the 1960's and 70's and maybe early 80's. He was astounded and confused to know Lucas made 3 more Star Wars movies.
    • Dark Is Not Evil: He's the God of Darkness. He makes no attempt to dodge what this says about him "I was given the job of God of Darkness. I am the lord above such things as Silmarill, Mirach, and Shudal. People do horrible, horrible things in service to darkness and evil. But...all I'd ask, is that you trust me enough to see that I'm not the people who use me as an excuse!"
    • Divine Date: Shina, the girl he saved, asks him out on a date. She expected him to take her to a faraway old castle on a mountain. She got to go to a five star restaurant with the God of Darkness.
    • Expecting Someone Taller, Darker and Eviller: When Leon's family heard him say that he was Khaos, and he showed them what his true state looked like, his older sister says she always expected the King of the Evil Gods "to look, you know, like a great big demon, of titanic proportions, and wielding a pike of some sort, or a scythe." Khaos' reaction was to tell her that's what his lieutenant looks like.
    • The Gadfly: Enjoys teasing people and poking fun, though in a good natured manner. Pretended to be a typical Evil God, and then said he was only kidding.
    • God of Evil: Subversion. He believes darkness can be used to protect, shield and hide, and ease people to sleep. And scare criminals straight.
    • Idiot Hero: Not that dumb, but he's incredibly unaware of the modern world. As in, he crushes a smart phone in his hand trying to use it.
    • Scare 'em Straight: He actually horrifies a group of wannabe, hollywood type satanists out of sacrificing a young girl. Largely by showing them what he'd do to them. Hint, Geigs are scary, scary things.
    • Servile Snarker: He has one in Zandal, who pokes holes in his worse ideas, lampshades tropes with abandon, and functions as Khaos' Heterosexual Life Partner.
    • Walking Tech Bane: If he touches something like a computer, a phone, or a tv remote, it usually becomes broken.
    • White-Haired Pretty Boy: An subversion of the common image. Despite his menacing looks, he's a complete goofball when he's not seen by his worshipers.
    • With Friends Like These...: He considers the likes of Silmarill, Shudal, and Mirach his friends. The first is a complete and total prick who sees his liege lord as a naive fool who he has to manipulate to "make Lord Khaos more worthy", and while loyal initially, he takes his opportunity for freedom. Shudal is just a crazy asshole who would like nothing more than to bathe the Earth in blood, and its outright stated that when Khaos made Shudal "the mind suffered a critical malfunction." And Mirach is Dragon with an Agenda to Aleina herself, and in general is not a nice guy by any means. Note that all of these tried to kill him, but when Khaos got his power back, he forgave Silmarill.

edited 8th May '13 5:57:47 PM by NickTheSwing

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