Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!)

Not much I can add that Kazuya didn't already say, I just wanted to say that I really like his character arc. Also, is he himself a Pokemon, or does he only have Pokemon-esque powers? Are there more people with similar abilities? I have so many questions!

Anyway, onto mine:

This is one of the main characters in an adventure story I'm working on set in the post-Civil War US and in Mexico at the tail end of the Franco-Mexican war.

• Name: Arnold "Arnie" Cabot
• Age: Early 30's
• Personality: A boisterous and jovial hard drinking party boy with a crippling case of PTSD from the Civil War. Despite having fought for the Union, he is immensely proud of his Southern background (specifically Tennessee), claiming that the Union army needed Southern loyalists like him because "y'all damn Yankees don't know how to ride!"
• Abilities: He was a cavalry officer in the Civil War, serving with a Tennessee Union cavalry unit and taking part in raids and recon across the South including Sherman's March. He thus is an expert rider and a crack shot, especially with a revolver. His Southern origin and Union sympathies also allow him to move more or less effortlessly between Southern and Northern circles, which is helped by his natural charm. Also, he can speak Spanish for some reason. He refuses to explain where he learned it.
• Weakneses: He saw (and did) a lot of pretty brutal shit during the war and it's stuck with him in the time since (the story picks up about a year and a half after the end of the war). Besides the PTSD, although he knows it was the right thing to do, he feels an immense sense of guilt at siding against his Southern homeland, even though he has no patience for slavery. This distaste for slavery, however, doesn't mean he has terribly enlightened views on race, either, and he's patronizing to his friend and "business"^note They fix boxing matches partner Byron Stark (a former slave) on more than one occasion.
• Goals/Motivation: He wants a life out West where he can put what happened to him (and what he did) during the war behind him. Going after this supposed Aztec treasure, thereby getting even further away from the battlefields of the war, is a perfect way to do that.
• Role: Penny and Maria, who found the treasure map^note Well, Maria stole it from Mexican royalists hire him and his partner Byron to be the muscle and guns to help them actually find the treasure.
• Background: Born and raised in Eastern Tennessee, Cabot and his family were ardent Unionists, as were most people in that part of the state. After Tennessee seceded and the Civil War began, though, he and basically everyone he knew fell in line behind the new government and took up arms for the Confederacy. Cabot, however, deserted after his cavalry unit came upon a Confederate infantry company kidnapping free blacks and taking them back down south to be sold as slaves. He joined up with a Kentucky Union regiment until Tennessee was retaken by the Union in 1862, at which point he proudly returned to fight for, in his words, the real Tennessee. After the war ended, he left the Army and went out west to the Colorado Territory, where he met Byron Stark, and the two of them began working in underground boxing - at first "legit," then just straight up fixing the matches to make money hand over fist. "Beats diggin' for shiny rocks all day!"
• Relevant Tropes
  • Boisterous Bruiser: To a T. There's nothing Arnie likes more than wine, women, and song. Well, beer, women, and song. Wine is for stuck-up Northerners.
  • Good Old Boy: Aggressively Southern, despite having fought for the Union.
  • Sad Clown: His boisterous exterior masks his crippling emotional distress from his war days.
  • Badass Rider: He once rode a horse through a barrage of cannonfire and expertly dodged each strike while still keeping the horse calm. Or he claims he did, anyway, and his visible riding skills make it (almost) seem plausible.
  • Cowboy: Not exactly, professionally speaking anyways, but his yee-hawin', revolver-firin', giddy-up-Nelly mannerisms make him the closest example of the archetypical "Western cowboy" character in the story.
  • Weapon Of Choice: He's got a Colt and a saber that he got when the Civil War first broke out. He named them "Cleo" and "Roscoe" respectively and all but refuses to use other weapons unless urgently required by the situation.
  • Shell-Shocked Veteran: In spades. He does his best to hide it, but those who know him can always tell.
  • Defector from Decadence: Initially held his nose and fought for the Confederacy, despite disagreeing with both slavery and secession, out of loyalty to his home state. Then he got a taste of what the Confederacy was really fighting for and decided no loyalty was worth that.
  • Hired Guns: Not his chosen profession, but Penny and Maria hire him on as one anyway.

Thank you both for the feedback. I might need to tweak a plot point or two to fix the PCM, and check to make sure it's not seeping in elsewhere.

Kevin's not a Pokemon, he just has the powers. There are other superheroes in Symphora, due to the local legendary Pokemon's mystical energy making the region a weirdness magnet.

Another superhero from my Pokemon fic. This one operates in the northeastern zone of the Symphora region, and has Grass-type powers, completing the Power Trio. I'm having a particularly hard time figuring out his flaws, though.

Name: Forrest Percy Lawrence
Age: Late 20's to early 30's
Personality: Forrest is an eccentric gentleman and a Pokemon breeder with too much time on his hands. He spends much of this time tending his garden, raising his Pokemon, and studying the mystical energy of the region that is the source of his powers.
Abilities: He can control plants: make them grow, move, bloom, wither, that kind of thing. He is also trained in non-powered combat.
Weaknesses: In addition to following the standard Elemental Rock-Paper-Scissors, he can't conjure up plants from nothing - there must be a plant nearby in order to control it. Also, his control does not extend to plant Pokemon (although it is mildly amusing to imagine a rampaging Grass-type suddenly stop its attack because he politely asked it to).
Goals: Forrest wants to help people in any way he can. He is also trying to find out more about the mystical energy that flows throughout Symphora.
Motivation: He wants to make the best possible use of his skills, powers, and resources. His curiosity about the nature of his powers stems from having been born with them.
Role: The Sneaky Guy, and later The Team Benefactor, once the team is permanently established at the end of the story.
Superhero Origin: Forrest was born with superpowers, and practiced and experimented with them from early childhood. His first time using them in combat was to protect a friend from an attacking supervillain. Though his powers were weak at the time, his quick thinking and clever application of his abilities ultimately prevailed. It was this encounter that started his crime-fighting career.
Relevant Tropes:

• Agent Peacock
• Bad*** In A Nice Suit: He wears formal-looking outfits that still allow for movement in case of emergencies.
• Cloudcuckoolander
• Expy: Inspired by the Scarlet Pimpernel.
• Fights Like a Normal: Downplayed - He does use his powers, but rarely to their full extent, and he doesn't rely on them.
• Friend to All Living Things: Fits both his type and his occupation as a Pokemon breeder.
• Gentleman Adventurer
• Green Thumb: In both fantastic and mundane ways.
• Mundane Utility: Being able to control plant life is really useful for things like growing fruit or decorative plants, getting rid of weeds, making an improvised chair, etc.
• Nice Guy
• Rich Idiot With No Day Job
• Secret Identity: He gets around the problem of potentially being identified by what Pokemon he uses by varying his team a lot. He is a breeder, after all.
• Secret Secret-Keeper: His parents know about his powers, despite the fact that he never told them.
• Shout-Out: His middle name ^note Percy and his last name ^note Lawrence, which as a given name can be shortened to Larry.
• Steven Ulysses Perhero
• Transflormation: He can turn himself into a tree, but rarely ever does:
  "Yes, I have done it before... twice. The first time was an accident."
• Weapon Of Choice: While his powers are Grass-type, his Pokemon team is much more varied. That said, one of his main Pokemon is a Decidueye ^note specifically, a regional variant based on pine trees and snowy owls.
• Willfully Weak: He tends to hold back a lot when using his powers, even by Thou Shalt Not Kill standards. The gloves come off against the most dangerous opponents, though.

edited 20th May '18 2:52:25 PM by AgentKirin

Cool guy, I like seeing that he is a Grass type trainer. They deserve more rep

Thanks!

I'm a little concerned that, even though he isn't completely perfect, he might not be sufficiently flawed, either. I feel like maybe the fact that he holds back a lot of the time might point to a character flaw, but I'm not sure what yet.

Are there any other concerns that I should address? (Feel free to be brutally honest, it's the only way I'll know.)

Name: Thomas Quispe

Age: 15 years old when the story starts, 16 years old when it ends.

Appareance: Given that this is a draw story, he ends up coming as Ambiguously Brown, he is actually an Andean teenager from the Peruvian Sierra. A friend told me that he looked like Ezra (the god of that trope, albeit, I will never leave my opinion that he is Arab) } from Star Wars Rebels. He is tall…by Andean stardards, which means a modest 1.72 cm. His hair is black and his eyes are brown. He is far from a rural person, he is usually well dressed as a product of being the son of a successful Andean businessman whose family had being in the market for generations. Sure, he is not uber rich world-wide, but he is certainly upper class, especially compared to his rural neighbors.

Background: Thomas is a Peruvian teenager from a AU version of the country where Fujimori and Montesinos had different names (spoiler: They are still alive, so I decided go full No Historical Figures Were Harmed, mainly on respect for their currently grandchildren).

Thomas is the son of the Andean businessman Alfredo Quispe, his real name is actually Tomas but he chooses to use the English version of it because “it looks better” (however, he still uses the Tomas writing when dealing with official documents and familiar deals, the kid really love his family). The Quispe families were an isolated family of farmers that did start to control mass farms, especially of products made from Auchenids, which means cute Llamas, alpacas and vicuñas. It was a slow process which took several generations, but currently, Alfredo is recognized as one of the most important rural businessman of the entire country and is on his way to being a Leftist ruralist politician (Leftist in Peru is quite different), just like his father.

Thomas was sending to be educated far-away, in a fictional famous boarding school localized in a Ship named The Esperanto. Schools were rich (and the ones that did earn a scholarship) children from around the world would learn under the best teachers and travel for several cities. In practicum, is obviously an attempt to generate commercial deals and friendships via the children, but to Alfredo? It was a perfect opportunity to be sure that “my son will become a better man than I”.

Understanding Alfredo is important to learn why he was like that, Alfredo was a rural man whose father was a uprising farmed with some rural local factories. Both he and his father had to constantly prove themselves to the rest of the country, especially the ones from the Coast, who saw them as mere opportunistic rednecks with luck. And then he end up seeing attempts to mass-murded that only failed because both groups were too weak to try.

Alfredo was trapped in a Civil War between both Socialist Andean Terrorist that were doing their best to change the system by killing democratic politicians and killing non-andean people that didn’t was a socialist as extreme as them at first sight and the newest government campaign to stop them, but who actually did just use to have an excuse to kill Andean people and lock them from the rest of the country. As Alfredo´s father, Miguel, says “the only reason why both that fucking rojete (red-dist, socialist) and that damn Asian tyrant didn’t become the South American Mao was not lack of trying”

Being Alfredo is suffering; his father Miguel did have it awful too, with people suspecting him from being a Terrorist supporter even after his wife was mutilated for them. And that is without getting into the outright mythical stuff like the Blessing Curse of Huayna Capac.

Yeah, Alfredo had to deal with magical curses and two freaking different organizations trying to kill him for being Andean and having money and not supporting the REVOLUTION. You can see why he want his son to be educated in another country, he just want him to have a successful life, free and safe from any potential danger.

Thomas for his side, he had a good life, loving parents despite their trauma and suffering (albeit, living with a family with PSTD in certainly something that did affect him) and the relative bless of being able to meet his four grandfathers (from a group that suffered attempts to genocide, that is absurdly lucky). But he also was a victim of racism, with constant remarks of how he couldn’t be rich and how his family must be corrupt, the harassment was casual and mostly occasional, but Thomas did notice it and willingly choose to Stop Being Stereotypical…which is extremely easy for him, because he obviously is not a stereotype, he is a person. Never forget that he is a person.

Thomas was blessed with academical intelligence that did make him a notorious student and everyone was able to notice his social awkwardness, which helped him to escape from Latin Lover stereotypes too (Having to deal with two racial stereotypes at once, oh Tom).

Thomas become a good student and got some friends, mainly other recognized students, and become a full blown weaboo in his teenage years. To the annoyance to some Asian students, but who lead to him to become friends with Chinese Japanese Student Jerk Jock With Heart Of Gold Kazuto Futsuo because they empathized with each other efforts of Stop Being Stereotypical (Kazuto is a decent student, he really does have learning issues and honestly? He is also a academical slacker, his dream is being a soccer player)

Thomas did have a small group of fellow nerdy friends and went to Cuzco (an actual city and home to the main building of his father company) every time for vacations. Thomas is a Peruvian who rarely goes to Peru yet he is proud of it.

And then the story starts. Thomas goes to Cuzco as the city selected for the Last Prom Party, his studies have officially ended and Thomas already have a secured university to go in Canada. He is happy.

And then, after a small tour in bus, an explosion happens and his companions fall to the abbys, where they are saved for a Andean muscular men that claims be a Shaman and having mysthical powers. A man that takes interest on Thomas after hearing his name and who was his father.

Personality: Thomas is socially akward, closer to Cold than to Shy. Character Development via Trauma Conga Line end up with him becoming The Stoic Shell-Shocked Veteran (he might count as a guerrilla fighter, sure, he never joined to any army, but he ends up fighting against several factions, he lived an actual Everything Wants Kill You, from the socialist Andean terrorists to the racist army. However, Thomas made a plea of don’t letting the trauma take the best of him, so he always remains as a heroic character, a teenager caught in middle of a violent conflict with a special power that is doing his best to help others and survive.

He is also a semi-devout catholic who see his Catholicism as his connection with his family, not that it stops him from supporting progressive social politics, Thomas is a big supporter of gay marriage and healthcare despite his relative social conservatism. Also, Trans rights, Thomas really believe that trans people deserve being happy. Thomas really wants that people live “safe lives without fear”

In the dark side…Thomas is filled with self-loathing by his race, he knows Andean people and their social issues and…he is ashamed of it, which contrast a lot for his love for his family. The story in general is basically, Thomas is forced to live with his heritage and learning to love it and himself. At the end of the story, Thomas is clearly proud of his heritage as much as his family, because he knows that despite all the ugliness that humans can do, they can also be wonderful. And that applies to everyone, regardless of race and ethnic group.

Abilities: Thanks to several factors, Thomas ends up absorbing a mythical golden knife into himself, who allows him to create a golden aura surrounding his body. Said aura gaves him Super Strenght and super resistance and gets him called the “Golden boy” for the witnesses. The limits of that resistence and strength are subject to several changes around the story. Eventually, Thomas develop a form of straight up Metal-control.

Yeah. An Andean person able to control metals and who uses gold as his main weapon. Is purposely stereotypical. Thomas is using his cultural heritage, the same one that he tried to avoid. Tropes that apply to him:

Latino Is Brown: He is a quechua descendent, so this is fully justified.

Lonely Rich Kid: His life, he is sheltered upper class teenager with No Social Skills that ends up dropped into a wild setting.

Chronic Heroic Syndrome: Thomas really wants to save people. His first actions as The Golden Boy is to save people from terrorists.

Thou Shall Not Kill: He don’t like killing or permanently injuring people, he does beat terrorists but he left them unconscious instead of killing them (however, this is deconstructed, those terrorists can get sick and die due to the cold nights of the zone). His first straight up kill breaks him emotionally, but he gets over it. Thomas only kill in self-defense or to protect others.

The Stoic: Thomas is not very emotional, he is still a good guy, but he really isn’t the guy that shows up many emotions. Especially after his Trauma Conga Line

Not So Stoic: He can easily break into emotional outbursts if he is pressed enough.

The Hero: Main character, the one that does his best to save more people, easily hits this.

Good Old Fists: Most of his fights are him punching the enemy

Weakness Weaksauce: Mercury and mercury-derivated magic. Is an interesting case, Thomas can control mercury due to it being a metal, but Mercury used against him is deadly effective. Metal Bending: Thomas can control the “spirit” of metallic materials, initially only gold, but it eventually allows more metals. It goes so far that Thomas eventually can turn himself into liquid metal (is dangerous and potentially lethal, but he can).

edited 8th Jun '18 8:26:54 AM by KazuyaProta

Sounds like an interesting character. You've got a nice arc planned out for him, a great backstory, and flaws that make sense, too. Good job!

Also, should there be another critique thread for characters who are neutral, blue-and-orange, frequently switch sides, or whose alignment is a huge spoiler?

@Kirin I'll be honest in admitting that I'm not all that familiar with Pokemon, nor do I read a lot of fanfics (so I don't know what your target demographic would really be looking for), but I'll do my best to give good feedback.

His overall goals seem vague right now, as helping people can take several forms. I understand that he fights crime based on the rest of your post, but is there a specific group he's trying to take down? Is he fighting crime on a local level? Ultimately, what would he consider a successful endeavor in fighting crime beyond stopping it; does he expect crime to face retribution at his hands or at the hands of the authorities? I'd also consider the lengths at which he's willing to go in order to stop it.

His motivations seem like a mixed bag. On one hand I do like that he's motivated by a curiosity in learning more about his powers. In a setting such as Pokemon, where humans possessing such powers is (to my understanding) unheard of, someone with said powers would want to learn about how they came to be. Making the best possible use of his skills, though, isn't much of a motivation. Why is he involving himself with the other characters when he could just as easily not? Does he think it irresponsible/immoral to stand aside when he has the power to do good? Consider fleshing out his motivations more, even perhaps giving him personal stakes in the plot as well.

I'm amiable to his status as the benefactor to the team. The tropes Rich Idiot With No Day Job paired with Cloudcuckoolander brings to mind a more eccentric Bruce Wayne. I can see him as being that guy who looks useless at first only to end up being a critical asset to the team as a whole. I also like the fact that you've chosen to make him a Nice Guy. Too often I feel the rich benefactor character gets stereotyped as being smug and superficially unpleasant to be around, so that's a good subversion of the usual expectation.

My final point of feedback probably gives away the most that I'm unfamiliar with the Pokemon franchise, but if he has superpowers, why does he need pokemon in the first place? Wouldn't it just be more work for them to do something he can do well enough on his own?

Overall I think you've got the basis for a good character, and there's a lot you could do with him with the right execution.

@Kazuya

The plot, as I understand it from your post, is that Thomas is a young man from a rich family who gets sent off to a boarding school when, while on one of the trips, winds up meeting a fellow Andean man who claims to be a shaman. I was confused with the rest of your post whether or not this would be a straight-up drama about a boy coming to terms with his heritage that he's tried to deny vs. a magic/superhero story with some self-discovery mixed in.

I can't write this story for you, and as the author you'll choose whatever is best for you, but I actually think Thomas would work better in a non-fantastical story. You have a lot of great roots established for personal development: you have a character from a rich family who wants to do good in spite of the stereotype that rich people are only self-serving, you have some self-loathing in the form of his ethnic heritage (which I'm not sure I get, but that's fine) that he needs to overcome, and he's at an age where he's figuring out who he is and who he'll be in the world. I can see his interactions with an older Andean man bring out a lot of development in him, and reconcile his doubts. Either way, magical or not, you've got me hooked on the basis for his character.

That being said, I'd be wary of making him a Marty Stu. He comes from a rich family, he holds a lot of morals most people find agreeable, he does well in school, makes a good amount of friends who are also successful...do you see where I'm going? His one negative trait that you mentioned is that he's prone to emotional outbursts, but unless that impacts the plot in some manner it'd be as much a negative trait as being clumsy. I'd put some more focus on his weaknesses, and not just in terms of his abilities.

—

I'd be down for a Supporting Character Critique Thread (for all those characters who have an impact on the story but are neither protagonist nor antagonist).

edited 10th Jun '18 4:06:22 PM by randomdude4

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'll definitely be looking into that. In fact, maybe I should check to see if vagueness is a problem with any of my other characters, too. This might be something I need to work on.

As for that last question, some supers do use Pokemon, and some don't. Most of them do, simply because no one person can do everything, and it's helpful to have teammates who can deal with your weaknesses and vice-versa. The ones who fight without Pokemon usually do so to protect their Secret Identity (since their civilian identity having the exact same Pokemon team as the local superhero would be suspicious).

And finally, here's the Neutral/Other Character Critique Thread.

Is both. The whole theme of the story is that effectively, The Magic Comes Back and the world is gonna become a mess because the people is just...not prepared to deal with it. Is gonna be awful and ugly.

And yeah, Thomas emotional issues are gonna affect the plot in negative ways. And he is gonna get beat. A lot.

Thomas is not the only persons with powers in the setting, he is powerful but without experience. And that lack of it is gonna make him and his loved ones suffer a lot.

edited 13th Jun '18 4:31:16 PM by KazuyaProta

So this is for a fanfic I had in my mind and have written a few scenes for. Kingdom Hearts: Rising Dawn. It takes place in a (supposed) alternate timeline where after the Xehanort saga, Sora dies. (Either he dies fighting Xehanort in KH 3 or fighting another smaller threat, connected to the new enemy of the fic, the Sinfuls. It all depends on what happens in the final game) So a new main character joins in the fray, along with four other people, to defeat the Sinful and the wizard summoning them, Merlock. But the new main character may have some discoveries about himself and the universe to the point where he questions the side he's working for.

• Name: Flint Xavier Fasayan (An anagram of Final Fantasy. The X is there because Final Fantasy X is the first game in the series I played.)
• Age: 18
• Personality: He's much more serious and impulsive than Sora was, and even more active than the other Keyblade wielders, in that he is willing to fight back and defend people, and not just stand around and look at the plot happening.
• Abilities: Ludwig Von Drake created an artificial keyblade for Flint. The primary function he was able to perfect is transforming it into other weapons, as well as copying abilities and techniques from other fighters. This ability is collectively known as synchro. To activate a synchro, he has to say "Synchro Mode" and then the name of the person. Although his weapon is a keyblade, his default mode is a sword and a shield. The sword is symbolic of Flint's desire to fight, and the shield is symbolic of protecting his beliefs and friends.
• Weaknesses: While Flint is more proactive than Sora, in that he butts into the story more often, he never sees his plans through. Like when he attacks a villain before they reveal their true nature and evil plots, that results in either getting him into a stalemate or making him look like an enemy to bystanders. On a more light-hearted note, he's shy around attractive women or women who like to flirt with him. Though that's just him remaining loyal to his love interest Marina, and making sure that he's not part of the Sinful problem, by "lusting" towards them. Hence why he covers his eyes and turns around when he sees women in bathing suits.
• Goals: The primary goal for all the heroes is to find seven orbs that represent each of the Seven Deadly Sins. So unlike the other games where everybody was traveling blindly to search for friends or themselves, the goals are much more specific and precise. During the start of the story, he questions where he comes from and wishes for some answers, but after learning more about the worlds, and the danger they are in because of the Sinfuls and darkness, he starts to see more importance in saving all these worlds. Unlike Sora who wanted to find his friends first, and considered saving the worlds second. Flint believes saving the world is his primary goal and motivation but is not too considerate of the few people who say they are friends.
• Motivation: He's one of the few people in this story who actively doubts the world order, to the point where he compares following the world order to lying to the people you want to protect. However, he's developed some pride in his heart ever since he obtained that keyblade and realized the possibilities and limitless power of a god.
• Role in the story: He is the leader of his group, and of course, the main character of this fanfic.
• Backstory: I may or may not turn this into an actual fanfic, so just in case there will be spoilers. He was found as a baby in a world called Faith Meadows by a farmer named Eugene Fasayan. He decided to adopt the child and give him the name Flint, named after the hero who has sealed the Sinfuls away to the Realm of Darkness. So throughout the years, Flint has had a normal life among the people, and he often talks to the priest's daughter Marina, even if Marina's father is more strict and doesn't always let them have fun. Eugene, however, is more loving and understanding and doesn't go angry when Flint is a few minutes late from work.
• However, the truth about Flint turns out to be worse. Halfway through the story, he meets Terra, and despite looking much older (Terra would look like his early 30's by this point) they have the same face. When the group goes to Radiant Garden, Flint discovers he's a replica of Terra. The first successful replica made by Even. Unlike the later Riku replica, which instantly looks like the then current age, Flint ages just like regular humans. I know what your thinking, shouldn't he be Xehanort's replica? Well, my theory is merged hearts don't stay merged forever. There might be a point where another heart assumes full control of the body, and that's what happened when the heart was cloned at the exact brief moment when Terra regains control of his old body.
• Relevant Tropes:
  • A God Am I - As the story goes on, he starts to see himself as less of an ordinary man and see himself as a savior, mostly because that's what he thinks people expect in a hero. This ends up making him a bit angrier that nobody would agree to his strategies, and believes that everybody is wrong, leading him to question his superiors and even his own teammates. One teammate starts to realize that he's growing a messiah complex, and it's because of his power. Eventually, the main hero begins to understand he's treated people harshly, which was what he hated other people doing, and decides to use his powers more responsibly.
  • The Leader - Kind of obvious at this point.
  • Character Alignment - He shifts from Neutral Good to Chaotic Good.
  • Power Copying - He's like Mega Man or Kirby. He touches a weapon or a hand of another person, and not only does he get their abilities and weapons, but as a side effect, their memories.
  • Ambiguously Christian - There might be some parallels to Christianity, but I don't want to go overboard or send a message that Christianity is crazy. There will be some points where he interacts in a church.
  • Alleged Lookalikes - Despite having the same face as Terra, the age, hairstyle, outfit, fighting style, and voices are different. In fact, when the group learned about this fact, they thought they could be related (as in brother or father), or Flint might be Terra's nobody.
  • Badass Preacher - That's the way Flint wants to solve the conflict of non-villains. He'd rather make speeches than resort to violence unless they are a Sinful.
  • Dimensional Traveler - Much like the other keyblade wielders of course.
  • Good Is Not Soft - Once again, while you can see him as good overall, he's not exactly the most loving hero, or at least not to evil people.
  • He Who Fights Monsters - He doesn't recognize the flaws within himself, and doesn't believe that there could be darkness in himself if it were ever unleashed.
  • Morph Weapon - You could consider it a subtrope of Power Copying.
  • Paralyzing Fearof Sexuality - As I said, if someone tends to even kiss him, he internally freaks out in his mind. But he's also visibly shy and doesn't want to see women in bikinis no matter how lovely they look
  • ((Pride)) - His biggest sin, and one that drives his Sinful form. He expects his companions to go along with his plans and refuses to see the logic in angry authority figures.
  • Superpowered Evil Side - After the first Seven Deadly Sinful Boss was defeated he got infected by the creature, and eventually, it grew into a demon seed that transformed him into a more monstrous form, with black markings, devil wings, and a more demonic form of his keyblade. He loses control of his body and his mind to the Sinful inside him whenever he was forced to do nothing while someone else gets wrongfully punished unless he's able to intervene.
  • Screw the Rules, I'm Doing What's Right! - This happens a lot with Flint, especially in how he screws with the World Order. When a character is going to be executed even though he isn't involved, and when somebody is getting tortured, he feels the need to save that person, not caring if it's meddling or not. In fact, in a chapter set in the Zootopia world, he is interviewed by newscasters, echoing the interview scene in the original movie. He'd say some wrong things that hurt his friends, which leads him to reveal his human form and tell the truth about the other worlds so that his friends wouldn't get the wrong idea he hates people that aren't human. Before the final world, Disney Town and subsequently Disney Castle was being destroyed by sinfuls, and so to save everybody in that world he uses what's left of the cornerstone of light and send them to Flint's world.
  • Took a Level in Jerkass - At the penultimate moment in the story, when his girlfriend was taken away by Merlock, somebody brings up the world order, he becomes more angrier and blames the world order for all the problems the universe had throughout the series.

Edited by DokemonStudios on Nov 24th 2021 at 8:53:30 AM

Before I begin my critique in earnest I'd like to say how much I like the anagram you chose for his name. I'm more than a little impressed with how well it actually works as one. So kudos to that.

Let's get the negatives out of the way first. I'm speaking from my gut impression here, and whether or not he's like this in the actual story is a whole 'nother ball game, but he just seems unlikable. Now this may have been intentional as a way of having him earn the audience's sympathy, or maybe you were just trying to avoid the Sue trap. Either way, it'll be hard for the audience to care about Flint given the select traits you've chosen: he has a messiah complex, impulsiveness, and seems generally rude to most people. Even (what I'm assuming is) your attempt to give him a moral virtue in his avoidance of lusting after women might come off as Narm rather than a positive trait, especially since he's 18, which is an age most boys are still Hormone-Addled Teenager s. You mention that he is the leader, yet I personally cannot fathom why anyone would put up with him. Flint comes off too cold and too arrogant to root for, at least in my opinion.

Don't be afraid to give him some more positive characteristics. While he might not be good with people, maybe he has deep sympathy for animals since he grew up on a farm. Maybe since he's a replica of Terra Flint could have dreams which are actually memories that haunt and disturb him relentlessly, providing a more sympathetic reason for his negative qualities. Just something to turn him into a protagonist worth cheering for.

Now the good (yay!). From the sounds of it you understand the importance of having an active protagonist as you mentioned under Flint's personality. I'm personally a big fan of character-driven works, and having the protagonist rush out to meet the plot head-on lends itself to interesting developments. Whether or not his decisions are good or bad, Flint's actions will lead to plenty more action down the road.

I also like that your fanfic definitely feels like you're trying to bring in your own bit of originality, and Flint reflects that spark. While I can definitely tell that he's a character in the Kingdom Hearts setting, there's enough that sets him apart to make him stand out. There's also the fact that you tie into the source material in a nice way by making him a replica, and that'll resonate well with your audience with the proper execution.

Good luck, and happy writing.

edited 18th Jun '18 10:38:15 PM by randomdude4

That could be an interesting suggestion to have him be more sympathetic towards animals especially since there are a lot of Funny Animal characters (especially in Disney Town), two worlds that are filled with Petting-Zoo People (Robin Hood and Zootopia), a world with a character who is tune with nature (Pocahontas), and a few animal-focused worlds. (Dumbo and Lion King)

As for the dreams, like I said, I do have ideas for dream sequences that show off a memory of a person he's synchro'd, and that could lead to some people getting a bit peeved that Flint that he could just use synchro to get inside people's head. But then again, I do have some ideas for intense dreams. Like at the beginning of the story, where Flint has a dream sequence at the Dive to the Hearts, similar to previous games, where you see previous characters, and fights a shadow of himself that becomes a Sinful, foreshadowing some plot elements. When Flint discovers he's Terra's replica and why he was created he starts having a dream of being different incarnations of Xehanort, (Heartless/Ansem, Xemnas, Young Xehanort, ending with Master Xehanort) and being fought by the other KH heroes. Even if he tries to get away. That dream would probably be the worst dream Flint has ever had.

edited 19th Jun '18 7:44:26 PM by DokemonStudios

Nearly a month, so let's start with mine.

• Name: Cecil Albalogia
• Age: 15-18
• Personality:
  • Cecil is a polite and affable young man, even to his enemies, so long as you do not antagonize other people. He has a compulsion to help others and at the same time, loves the chaos he finds himself in. Due to the cyclical nature of his luck, he has no sense of self-preservation and a lack of self-worth to go along with it, believing that it is only fair that only he should suffer.
  • In truth, he has a desperate need for being wanted, a validation for his existence, as dying alone with nobody caring about him is his greatest fear. Helping people makes him feel he has a purpose in life, even for a moment, and at times, frustration builds up when he feels that he hasn't fulfilled his purpose. Frustration that he takes out on himself.
• Role in the Story: The main protagonist
• Goals: To find his father and to help others in need
• History:
  • In his early life, Cecil felt that he had no place existing. He was just a child wandering through the cold streets, no one to care about him, and no one to have a reason to. To top it all off, bad luck followed him like the a silent killer. That changed when he was taken in by his actual father, though he had no reason to know that. A kind man, for a few years, Cyrus imparted a philosophy to his child: the willingness to help others in need, and how Good Feels Good.
  • It was only to be expected that Cyrus was taken away from his son, as he had a deteriorating mental illness, mistaking his son for a dog. He finally left Cecil, though his whereabouts are a driving force for Cecil as he believes he is still out there.
  • For the rest of his childhood, Cecil grew up in a little inn, where he sought to right any wrong that way. He picked many fights with people bigger than he was, usually involving another person being hurt, and he was a mighty short fellow even as a child. However, the gratitude of the ones he helped was enough reward for him.
  • Truthfully, in his heart, he saved others in order to see his father again, getting himself in danger.
  • He got his wish, but at the terrible cost of burning down the town he was in, and even then, his father was only present for but a few moments.
  • In that event he trained himself to join the Realm Enforcement Order, the setting's equivalent of Interpol in hopes to help others the best he can.
• Abilities:
  • Cecil is an adept at fighting Hand-to-Hand, at the cost of not being an expert on any weapon whatsoever.
  • Beyond that, Cecil has a form of Tactile Telekinesis, allowing him to manipulate objects at hand, forming barriers to block attack, being able to reinforce his strength, and even allowing him to fly at low altitudes.
  • In terms of magic, he is only really good at the Manipulation of Mana, allowing him to throw waves of energy in a single blast, but not being able to weave complex spells, though he later fixes this problem, but not to the extent of overshadowing other more refined practitioners.
  • In Short: Kung-Fu Wizard + Flying Firepower + (Minor) Mind over Matter
• Weaknesses:
  • His need to protect others is often exploited. He is also weak to Psychic attacks due to his issues.
• Tropes:
  • Affectionate Nickname: C.C. by his close friends. Interchangeable with Fido or Fluffy, though do so at your own risk.
  • Allofthe Other Reindeer: He was avoided during his childhood and generally held within suspicion.
  • Animal Motifs: Canines.
  • The Anti-Nihilist: Eventually comes to this conclusion. He may not hold any meaning in his existence, nor does he have any purpose in life... but that's okay because it means he has the right to choose to live his own life the way he sees fit.
  • Beneath the Mask: All that front about saving other people, and all that excitement about engaging in fights? They're facades. In truth, Cecil wants a purpose in life, in any way he can. He ultimately feels empty inside even in the flash of emotion from engaging in the above acts.
  • Becoming the Mask: Eventually, after some Character Development, his desire to help others becomes genuine, and he begins to take pleasure in life in general, not just in conflict.
  • Berserk Button: As a general rule, don't hurt people in front of Cecil. Personally, he takes offense to people shittalking his friends and his father, and he doesn't like being condescended to for being short.
  • Bishōnen/DudeLooksLikeALady/Wholesome Crossdresser: Noted by characters of both genders, while he is dressed as either gender.
  • Big Eater: As a result of being malnourished in his childhood.
  • Blood Knight: Something he is not particularly proud of, though he comes around to it, resolving it healthily, though not before his mental issues providing a bump in the road. It goes as followed: Cavalier Competitor—>Challenge Seeker—>In Harm's Way—>Combat Sadomasochist—>Death Seeker—>Smiting Evil Feels Good
  • Broken Hero: He lost his father when he was young, his town afterwards, and has a heap of bad luck affecting him. Nevertheless, Cecil always smiles and nods away at the mere mention of his problems; so much so that his friends have to take a while to figure out if he even has problems.
  • Bully Hunter: A natural result of his Chronic Hero Syndrome and his Blood Knight tendencies.
  • Cheerful Child: A coping Mechanism after his dad left.
  • Chick Magnet: Because of his youthful looks, he has attracted a lot of girls, though some of those were more in the sense of adopting a cute pet. Still, he doesn’t do half bad, considering Alice and Silvia both love him.
  • Chronic Hero Syndrome: For Cecil, the lives of others weigh out his own.
  • Death Seeker: In his more suicidal moments.
  • Desperately Craves Affection: All in all, he needs validation from something, and affection is his most preferred form, but at the same time, he feels he has to prove that he deserves that affection. In his mind, he can never be loved unconditionally.
  • Desperately Looking for a Purpose in Life: His main issues stem from his need to feel that he can exist, that he has a place in the universe that he can fulfill, that only he can fulfill. Being a hero and helping others makes him feel special, even if it makes him feel guilty for having such selfish thoughts.
  • Devoted to You: To Alice, as he remembers the girl who saved him when fell in a river in an effort to end himself after losing his father. To Silvia, who was the girl who he opened up to the most, and who in returns, loves him unconditionally.
  • Double Consciousness: Try Triple Consciousness; there’s the Savior, the part of him that wishes to fulfill his father’s ideals of a hero; the Blood Hound, the part of him that wishes to define himself in the face of conflict and only truly feels alive in chaos and mayhem; and the “real” Cecil who desires his own purpose in life and be loved by somebody, using the other two facades as a means to an end to a question.
  • Dying Alone: His one great fear; leaving the world without anyone to care about him, or even acknowledging he exists terrifies him.
  • Easily Forgiven: He's the type to forgive you for any actions against himself, but against others? Not a chance.
  • The Fool: Due to his luck, he can find himself in the oddest of situations.
  • Forgetful Jones: Has memory problems
  • For Happiness: His motivation. It’s later revealed that it’s a coping mechanism to avoid his own problems. After all, if he makes everyone happy, then he should have no reason to be unhappy, right?
  • Generation Xerox: Invoked, as Cecil feels he cannot truly replace his father, so he tries to be the next best thing. Still, he wishes he was his father.
  • Good Feels Good: A philosophy passed down by his father.
  • Greater Need Than Mine: One of his defining character traits. No matter how bad his luck gets, he will always believe that there is someone out there has a worse situation than he does.
  • Green-Eyed Monster: He doesn't let anyone know, but he easily get envious of people who can do better than he can.
  • HeightAngst/MuscleAngst: One of the more normal things about him.
  • Heroic Self-Deprecation: Oh so very much. He actually hates himself for what he is, beneath the facade of the guy behind the Hero Persona.
  • House Husband: A wonderful cook and knows how to sow his own clothes.
  • Humble Hero: He has no pride in himself. He consistently downplays his own achievements to build up others.
  • I Am Not Pretty: Despite being borderline androgynous, he denies the thought of anyone falling for him, citing his height, his luck, and even his looks; woman would want a tall, manly man with muscles who can keep them consistently happy, so why would anyone love him?
  • I Just Want to Be You: Why he emulated his father; he was a man that had a clear focus on what his purpose was, and thus the ideal image for his son, which goes poorly as you can see. Cecil eventually learns that he can't be his father, but he can be himself.
  • I Just Want to Be Special: To at least one person at least.
  • Imaginary Friend: Two of them, representing his Superego, Edelweiss, and his Id, Schwarzlich.
  • Innocently Insensitive: He tends to say things that unintentionally harms others, especially regarding his lack of self-worth.
  • In Love with Your Carnage:His attraction to Silvia, that blooms into actual love.
  • In Touch with His Feminine Side: In his needs to be useful to others, he initially learned how to cook, and ends up crossdressing in certain stories, though he does learn how to enjoy what he does.
  • The Jinx: What he was regarded as in his childhood.
  • Like a God to Me: Pretty much sums up his feelings about Alice, though she is more like a Muse. Actually, this is a consistent problem with him, as he places too many people on pedestals, and can't acknowledge their flaws, starting with his dad.
  • Martial Pacifist: Although he loves fighting, he does not actively seek fights and does not like fighting those weaker than him, save for only sparring. Unlike his dad, however, he learns to kill when necessary.
  • Martyr Without a Cause: He obsessively helps others, because of his lack of self-worth and his inability to confront himself.
  • The Matchmaker: He loves seeing couples together, though it's more like imagining himself being like them and being loved.
  • MissingMom/DisappearedDad: Has a severe case of both. His quest to find the latter drives the first half of the series.
  • The Napoleon: Is only just 5 foot, and is naturally sore about the subject, to the point that its the closest he has to a Berserk Button outside of hurting others.
  • Nice Guy: Despite his many issues, he is one of the friendliest people you can meet.
  • Not So Weak: Cecil's basically a doormat, until you walk over other people; then he walks over you.
  • Quest for Identity: The crux of his character development.
  • Real Men Wear Pink
  • Red Is Heroic: A redhead on the side of good.
  • The Paragon: At the end of his character development, he decides to be an inspiration to the next generation, as his wish to save everyone cannot be achieved alone.
  • Self-Harm: As a result of depression, self-loathing, and guilt
  • Stepford Smiler: In extremely trying times, he smiles regardless, which is something his dad told him to do when hurt inside.
  • Super Cop: Becomes a member of the Realm Enforcement Order, Interpol basically.
  • Supreme Chef: One of the best at cooking
  • Sweet Tooth: Has a fondness for sweets.
  • Unluckily Lucky: He is both simultaneously the luckiest and unluckiest person alive. Lucky enough to win lotteries on his first try and win against superior opponents, unlucky enough to get into a series of unfortunate events and get flattened by those same superior opponents.
  • Walking Disaster Area: Due to his bad luck.
  • "Well Done, Son" Guy: One of the things Cecil would like dad to do would be for him to be proud of him.
  • What Is This Thing You Call "Love"?: Cecil can't imagine anyone falling in love with him, so he gets confused by the particular affections of his love interests.
  • Wishful Projection: He believes the best out of people, which comes to a head when Alice deserts him and his friends to another villain, though with a very good reason.
  • Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: Is deathly afraid of ghosts.

Let me know your thoughts

Edited by SkyHavenPath13 on Jul 20th 2019 at 11:04:49 AM

An interesting character, for sure. He's got the makings of a true hero, yet the reasons and undercurrent behind him really help shape who he is — which, based on what I'm reading, is a blessing and a curse. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that (without the magic of a character arc) he'd be on the path to self-destruction. And to be honest, there were times while reading your description where I thought "Wait, those points sound kind of contradictory," only to realize that A) it seems as if that's the point to Cecil, and B) you clearly have a plan in mind with him. Good stuff.

I think the thing that's got me asking questions is Cecil's father, not just Cecil himself. Your hero looks up to the guy, sure, but depending on how you play it/what you have planned, that could be a good thing or a bad thing, in-universe or out of it. Granted I'm assuming (outside of the mental illness) you already know exactly who Mr. Father is — and spared descriptions for spoiler purposes, and/or brevity in this post — but for outsiders looking in? I can't help but wonder. I have issues with a character who tells another character to smile when he's hurting, because BOY can that go wrong fast. Maybe that's the whole point to show the father isn't a saint, but it still raises questions on how Cecil will respond to or internalize opinions on his dad. Will he opt to step out of his father's shadow? Understand that he's idealizing a human, not a god? Take a hot minute to call the old man out? There are lots of ways you can play it.

But to be clear? This is a pretty solid character — simple at the base, but given a slew of nice flourishes. *thumbs up* That's cool.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand on the opposite end of the spectrum, here's my character. Given that this is a character I've discussed before but revamped INTENSELY, I might make a full-fledged thread on her at some point soon. So in that event, I'm making the info here comprehensive to provide a reference point.

Hold on to your butts.

=========================================

Name: Julie Ann Haywood

Theme Song (for funsies): "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston

Appearance:

33 years old. Long, platinum blonde hair that's eternally messy. Blue eyes a shade away from cyan; relatively fair-skinned despite years in the California sun. Decisively plus-sized — not overweight, but her curves and dimensions mean she's no waif. By extension, she has a bust size once described as "bombas atomicas". Dresses in whatever will fit her, but her standard outfit includes half-shredded shorts and a ratty tank top donated by her favorite 80s band. Rarely seen without a pink/white flower clipped into her hair.

Also, she's 60 feet tall and still growing — which to be fair is an improvement over her former height of over 30,000 feet tall.

Personality:

The quintessential gentle giant. Having done major damage in the past, Julie Ann is always wary of the harm she could do. Presently, her default state makes her easygoing and good-natured — but she's easily flustered, and sometimes comes off as an airhead. Still, she's an intensely warm and sweet person with a heart-melting smile. Despite past traumas (or maybe because of them) she's always the first to break out the cheers and flighty giggles.

Nothing would make Julie Ann happier than being able to live with her husband Ralf and her tween son Chase. Because of her circumstances, the three of them haven't been in one place for years — and the massive mother's melancholy is nigh-eternal. Despite that, she stands tall in the midst of crises past and present. Also, NEVER piss her off.

Role in the Story:

The larger-than-life heroine…and villain, if only by accident. The story opens up with Julie Ann — so big she has to be measured in miles — mindlessly wreaking havoc just by moving around. It takes a nuclear blast to bring her down, whereupon a mysterious oracle speaks to her in the depths of darkness and winds the clock back a year. Now Julie Ann (at a more manageable 60 feet) has to find a way to prevent the Bad Future she's seemingly responsible for.

At the outset, Julie Ann is just happy to be reunited with Chase, and given the chance to enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It's as if she's been born again, since her extended time as a colossus has left her memories and perception temporarily distorted. But as her growth continues and threats large and small start to plague her home — the coastal metropolis, Santa Infierno — she realizes she has no choice but to power through adversity. A mother's work is never done.

Inevitably, Julie Ann's presence shakes the city in more ways than one. While it's long been known that a giant woman walks the earth, views and opinions on her run the gamut. Is she a hero? A menace? A mother deserving pity? A monster deserving a ballistic missile between the eyes? Time will tell.

Motivation:

Well before the start of the story, Julie Ann's (normal-sized) husband Ralf up and vanished without a trace — because he couldn't handle being in a relationship with an increasingly-gigantic wife, presumably. But that was 3 years ago; as much as she wants to piece together her broken family — and as happy as she is seeing her son again — Julie Ann knows there's business to handle.

Said business is complex, to put it mildly. Though her mind is frazzled at first, it's not long before memories of the bad future flare up and remind Julie of the stakes — chief among them, the fact that Chase will die before his 13th birthday. Now the clock is ticking on her to protect the city, and defy fate itself before Chase's time runs out — and before Julie Ann herself becomes the biggest threat. If she isn't already.

Abilities:

Julie Ann shouldn't exist. But because she does, she has strength and defense levels that can let her fling buses with ease. Crucially, those levels scale disproportionately with her size, so even the slightest growth spurt can lead to dramatic increases in power — perfect for the standard Behemoth Battle she fights against progressively larger foes. As an aside: her senses, especially vision and hearing, are exponentially better than normal.

Conventional firearms are lucky to break the skin, and between her weight and fortitude, she can walk off collisions with runaway trains. While she's never tried it before, her strength carries over to her legs — which means that her horizontal and vertical leaps are enough to launch her sky high (as long as she doesn't care about the collateral damage she'd do on landing).

Weaknesses:

Julie Ann is what happens when you hamstring a Sizeshifter with Power Incontinence. The only thing she can do to curb her haywire growth is use stress management techniques — deep breathing, yoga, meditation, etc. — but those are stopgap solutions, and she can't exactly use those when she's got thugs/soldiers/tanks/kaiju hassling her. The end result: she's almost always passively growing. If her emotions stay at a fever pitch for long enough — via extreme stress, panic, or anger — then the growth becomes VERY active. And painful.

The costs of her size are decisive. Julie Ann is slower than slow — sorely lacking in speed, and without the grace of even an amateur dancer. Plus, her absurd weight coupled with a cramped setting makes her an easy target that can't go past a brisk jog.

The biggest weakness Julie Ann's got might be mental, not physical. Having dealt with her condition since birth (she towered over grown men at age 5!), she's endured tons of fear, hate and resentment. So despite her noble drive, she's got major hang-ups — remnants of her regretful days. She doesn't want to break the law, but she absolutely HAS to as a consequence of her size, making a bad situation worse. Thankfully, it's not as if she's going to snap because she reaches her breaking point.

Relevant Tropes:

• Ambiguously Human: Under the surface, Julie Ann's body is downright bizarre. Bigger, more numerous cells, bodily processes that pump more fiercely, differently-composed bones, absurd hormonal imbalances — the list goes on.
• Extreme Omnivore: She can eat anything and get energy from it with no harmful effects — glass, metal, rock, concrete, you name it. She's actually gotten requests to eat her way through landfills and barges for cash. Given the caloric intake she'd need at her size, it's suspected that eating is more of a psychological need. Naturally.
• Alcoholic Parent: She was definitely this in the past, even if it took a lot to get her hammered. Having gotten a second chance, she's trying to do better — given that she once woke up from being blackout drunk in the middle of a crosswalk after leveling a building. Of course, the emphasis is on "trying".
• Sweet Home Alabama: Santa Infierno is west coast-based, but Julie Ann's actually from the rural south. It's slightly reflected in her voice and diction, since she's no stranger to tossing out a "y'all".
• Power Echoes: Her sheer size gives her a voice that's deeper than most women, and the boom on it increases with her height. Basically, something like this. Incidentally, her rate of speech is slightly slower than the norm.
• Verbal Tic: Tends to call people "sweetie", especially Chase.
• Catchphrase: "Ah, jeez." She ends up saying often, with varying levels of shock/exasperation. Similarly: Sorry/So sorry/Real sorry, or variations thereof, back to back.
• Cloudcuckoolander: Has shades of it, given her ditzy comments/trains of thought. One character theorizes it's a side effect of her brain being addled from her time as a colossus. Another character just thinks she's an idiot.
• Proud Beauty: Downplayed, but present. Despite weighing multiple tons, she's satisfied with her curves and proportions (dem hips!), and actually pouts a bit if her looks are insulted. Opinions vary among the populace.
• Gag Boobs: Even if Julie Ann was human-sized, she'd still be massive. And while she generally approves, that won't stop her breasts from causing zany situations. To wit: she's constantly surprised by things under her because she's got a blind spot radius measurable in yards, she's carved out chunks of buildings while turning, she's had to pick animals out of her cleavage, and it's not uncommon for people to try using her chest as a trampoline. It only gets more pronounced when her mountains grow into...mountains.
• Does Not Like Shoes: She does like them, actually, but rarely bothers because they're easy to tear up. Instead, she opts to wrap up her feet — and hands — athletic tape-style for protection. And the coolness factor.
• Magic Pants: Averted. Julie Ann's standard outfit is an old gift from the broken-up members of her favorite 80s band, Hot Zone. Based on the tear those shorts/tanktop/undies show off, her clothes aren't growing along with her. So she has to cobble other ensembles together.
• Self-Deprecation: All the time, with a smile — because she's a...
• Broken Bird: It's unclear what happened in the bad future (at first), but the end result was that Julie Ann ended up so grief-stricken and traumatized that she completely stopped thinking, and caused havoc for no reason besides "I'm taller than Mount Everest. DESTROY." The time reset gives her a second shot at life and happiness, but that also means she's back in her borderline-depressed state.
• Used to Be a Sweet Kid: Zigzagged. She started off sweet enough, but by the time she was in kindergarten she almost hit the 7-foot mark — so she took heat for being different, and she eventually started to pay her tormentors back twofold. From then on? Her childhood/teenage years — once her father died — were filled with her roaming the States and committing crimes to survive on the streets.
• Tragic Dream: As a kid, she wanted to be an actress. It didn't take long to realize no one on Earth would cast her, but part of the reason she drifted into Santa Infierno in the first place was because she thought it would jumpstart her career. It didn't.
• Tomboy with a Girly Streak: Downplayed. Loves wrestling, 80s rock, beer, meat, and all kinds of outdoor adventures. At the same time? She's got a soft spot for flowers, makeup, desserts, and fashion — and loves the color pink, too.
• Book Dumb: Justified since she was too big for schools, and nobody tutored her during her solo years. Thanks to Ralf, she eventually got her GED — but between her lack of schooling, her voice, her absentmindedness, and her looks, people think she's a total idiot.
• The Atoner: Having worked with the city's underbelly (in the past) just to cover her food bill, she's lied, cheated, stolen, and broken enough stuff to land her behind bars for years. Arguably, she only escaped jail because A) there isn't one big enough, and B) Santa Infierno can be lax with the law. She knows that she has to make up for the trouble she's caused — starting with working a slew of blue-collar/odd jobs instead of...not working.
• Adult Fear: Chase is her closest and truest friend as much as he is her son. Protecting him is vital (for good or ill), but she knows all it takes to end him would be for her to roll over in her sleep. Given that living together with Chase means forcing him to live in squalor — their "home" is a spruced-up abandoned warehouse — one slip-up means CPS will pay a visit.
• Order Versus Chaos: Julie Ann's observance of the law once varied depending on her whims and needs. Freedom and bliss mattered more to her — which put her in direct conflict with Ralf time and time again. Her husband's key mistake: thinking that the Haywoods could live happily while conforming to the rules and norms of society. Despite the passion between them, they both knew being together would have killed them — Ralf especially, given how haggard he looked before he vanished. Speaking of...
• Destructive Romance: What the marriage turned into. She was a crime-happy giant who smashed her way to sustenance — and contrary to her current state, had a fiery temper, a violent streak, and utter contempt for society. He was a renowned artist who only rocked the boat with his paintings; despite his good intentions, he did what he could to control and thought-police his wife. In a fit of rage, she ruined his arm and nearly killed him; she hasn't seen Ralf since that night 3 years ago, but in hindsight it made her realize how desperately she needed to change. Of course, it's not as if Ralf was/is innocent, either.
• Red Oni, Blue Oni: The Red to Ralf's Blue, even now. Despite that, she's the Blue to Chase's Red. She's mellow, patient, and amicable; Chase is volatile and hot-blooded, and does whatever he can to prove how tough he can be on his own. He rarely succeeds.
• David Versus Goliath: Julie Ann is the Goliath to everyone else on the planet, so a one-on-one fistfight is in her favor. But the sheer numbers of the populace make her the David in comparison.
• Unskilled, but Strong: She has no formal training, no finesse, and no strategies outside of "hit thing hard". As it turns out, "hit thing hard" is enough to carry her through most fights — along with natural instincts, wrestling moves, and the occasional improvised weapon.
• Brains and Brawn: The Brawn to Chase's Brains. As much as Julie Ann dreads the idea of getting Chase involved, the kid worms his way into a Santa Infierno conspiracy tied to progressive monster outbreaks. He's small and weak, but clever and quick; plus he can handle stealth and investigations that Julie's too big for.
• Hot Skitty-on-Wailord Action: 12 years ago, Julie Ann was only 18' as opposed to Ralf's 6', making the deed slightly more feasible. But to be blunt? It's what you think. And also...not.
• Tiny Guy, Huge Girl: Has this with everyone, but especially Chase. She dwarfs Godzilla before the first arc's end, while her son can't even reach 4 feet on his tiptoes.
• Beware the Nice Ones: You damn well better. Julie Ann is pleasant and sweet by default, but piss her off, and she'll level everything in range with a single seismic slam. Really.
• Screw Destiny: She's fighting to save her son from a dire fate — one that means he could die any time BEFORE he turns 13, not on his birthday. Inevitably, the truth comes out. Chase's fate is to die...while Julie Ann's fate is to destroy the planet. Turns out that getting nuked in the bad future didn't work — so she just kept growing, smashing, destroying, and killing until an oracle forced a time reset. Unfortunately…
• Wrong Time-Travel Savvy: Outside of a few characters, no one — not even the oracle that intervened — sees this coming. The assumption is that time reset a year to let Julie Ann prevent the bad future...when in reality, the reset was an intended part of the timeline. So not only is Julie Ann still on track to fulfill her destiny as a gargantuan menace, but also on track to do what she didn't do in the bad future. In other words? If she doesn't change fate, she's going to create a WORSE future where she destroys everything. Everything. At a height that makes 30,000 feet look lilliputian. Uh-oh.

=========================================

And that'll do it. Let me know what you think so I can revise this character for the 847th time.

Hi. The hero here is a protagonist to High School Dx D/Shin Megami Tensei crossover I plan to someday write (you can find it's premise in Free Idea Dumping Ground here

So, let us begin.

• Name: Shinji Ebihara, a.k.a Geirin Kuzunoha the XXIII
• Age: 17
• Personality:
  • Shinji is an energetic young man, who loves his job as Devil Summoner. He enjoys negotiating, fighting or simply interacting with demons, as long as they don't harm humans that is. Although it may not be seen at first glance, but he takes his position as Geirin Kuzunoha very seriously. He won't hold back against anyone, even his own friends, and will willingly sacrifice his own life to protect humanity.
  • He's usually affable towards others, including his enemies, but even his patience can quickly run out. And when he's done being nice to you, you better start praying, as he will show you no mercy.
  • Shinji has a particular bond with Tyrant Amon, a demon possessing his body. They both respect each other deeply and treat each other like family. Even though Amon tries from time to time to corrupt Shinji to turn him into a Devil, he's doing it out of genuine desire to help him realize his true potential.
  • When it comes to his remaining demons, Shinji maintains a amicable relationship with them. He's unusually fond of demons from Jack family though. He calls his Jack Frost "Jacky".
• Abilities:
  • Shinji is a powerful Devil Summoner. Unlike other Demon Tamers, he can summon his demons without Demon Summoning Program. He's limited to summoning two demons when in combat due to the consumption of Magnetite. When not in combat, he can summon more demons, up to 6. This can be really useful in investigations.
  • He's an expert swordsman and gunslinger. With his katana and revolver (both issued by Kuzunoha Clan), Shinji can fight off even demon hordes by himself. He can also use Combo Moves with his demons (a la Digital Devil Saga), like imbue his swords and his bullets with magic, adding elemental attributes to his attacks.
  • Shinji's true strength comes from him being a "Demon Vessel". He can allow a demon to possess him and use their powers as his own, while still retaining full control over his body. He can allow any demon to possess him, but Tyrant Amon is the current resident of his body. Amon can temporarily allow another demon inside, so they could grant Shinji their powers. Amon give Shinji access to Mudoon, Megido Fire (Maragidyne + Rakunda), Madness Nails and Poison Breath (a small reference to Amon's lore).
• Weaknesses:
  • Though Shinji is an amazing Summoner, he's still just a human. There are times, where he must rely on his demons' resistances to survive an encounter with stronger enemies. But, that can be a double-edge sword, as he also get his demons' elemental weaknesses (that also includes status ailments).
  • Shinji feels insecure about himself being a Devil Summoner. When he doubts himself too much, he'll become depressed and his combat prowess will plummet. Amon and Shinji's other demons keep reassuring him about his talents to prevent that. He once nearly died because of it.
• Goals: Shinji's goal is to protect humanity at all cost from the supernatural eliminate any rogue Demon Tamers. He also tries to make allies within all supernatural factions to ensure humankind's safety.
• Motivation: Shinji had his strong sense of duty as a Devil Summoner instilled by his master/adoptive father Geirin Kuzunoha the XXII. He wants to continue his adoptive father's job in protecting humanity. Also, he wants to become a legend like Raidou Kuzunoha the XIV, one of the greatest Summoners in history. And there's a certain Fallen Angel he needs to payback for killing the XXII and nearly killing him and Amon.
• Role in story: He's a protagonist alongside Issei and Rias.
• Backstory: Shinji was an orphan. He lost both of his parents in quick succession - his mother died of illness and his father died in a car accident. Shinji was adopted by Kuzunoha Clan after they discovered that he possesses an unnaturally big amount of Magnetite. They left young Shinji under the care of Geirin Kuzunoha the XXII, whose job was to raise him as a Devil Summoner.
  Geirin was more than a mentor to Shinji. He was a caring father. He taught everything Shinji needed to become a Summoner and more. He taught him personally how to negotiate and summon demons, how to use summoning tubes, swordsmanship, marksmanship and, most importantly, social skills and compassion. He didn't want the boy to become an unfeeling demon hunter. He wanted him to retain at least a bit of normalcy.
  Shinji first met Amon during his first demon summoning lesson. Geirin demonstrated how to summon demons to young Shinji by summoning Amon, his strongest demon. Amon quickly took interest in young Shinji, seeing how much spiritual energy and potential the boy had. The bond between the demon and the boy grew. Geirin was wary of Amon's interest in Shinji, so he always kept a keen eye on them.
  Kuzunoha Clan discovered Shinji's abilities as a Demon Vessel when he was 14 after putting him through training to make him resistant to demon possession. The clan elders decided to take advantage of that ability, so they designed a special training regimen for Shinji. That piqued Amon's interest in the boy even more.
  Shinji became Geirin Kuzunoha the XXIII after his master died right in front of him. He was killed by a Fallen Angel named Raynare. Normally, Shinji and Geirin would have easily defeat her, but she attacked them while they were exhausted after a battle with powerful demon. Although they managed to repel the fallen angel, Geirin perished protecting his son, while Shinji and Amon were slowly bleeding out. Amon offered a way to save them both - Shinji had to make a contract with him and allow Amon to possess his body. Out of desperation, Shinji agreed. In the aftermath of Geirin Kuzunoha the XXII's death, the elders of Kuzunoha Clan put Shinji through his final exam earlier than they planned. With the help of Amon, Shinji succeeded and became new Geirin Kuzunoha. He was the youngest summoner from Kuzunoha Clan to inherit the title in history - he was 16 years old. Shinji felt, that he didn't deserve the title, that he wasn't ready yet. Amon reassured him, that he is worthy of carrying on XXII's legacy. Shinji swore to make his adoptive father proud by defending humanity as fervently as him and to avenge his death one day.
  For a year, Shinji performed his duties as Geirin Kuzunoha splendidly. But, one day, he was summoned back by the elders to the capitol. It was about a special assignment only he could accomplish. He was going to be sent to a certain town to investigate supernatural activity there.
  The name of this town is Kuoh Town. Shinji was going to pose as a transfer student to the local academy. Because of his age and experience, he was a perfect Summoner for the job.
  The one who gave him the assignment were two director of government organisation called JP's, which does the same job as Kuzunoha Clan - protect humanity from the supernatural threats. The directors' names were Yamato and Miyako Hotsuin. Shinji only heard about JP's and Hotuin family some time after the Tokyo Lockdown incident.
  After he was briefed and prepared, Shinji traveled to Kuoh Town. There, he contacted one of JP's agents called Boss, who was running a local bar. Shinji was pretending to be his nephew and was staying under his care.
  On his first day at Kuoh Academy, Shinji already made friends with Hyoudou Issei and drew attention of Rias Gremory, Sona Sitri and their respective Peerages due to high spiritual power.
  Shinji grew wary of a girl that asked Issei for a date, Yuuma Amano. She felt... familiar. WAY to familiar. He secretly followed them all day. When she finally revealed herself as Raynare and fatally stabbed Issei, Shinji attacked Raynare. The fallen angel was shocked. Shinji was suppose to be dead. Knowing she has fulfilled her objective, she quickly fled. With the fallen angel gone, Shinji tended to dying Issei. As he was bleeding out, Rias came to the rescue. As she took Issei to resurrect him as a Devil, Rias and Shinji decided to have a little talk, between a Devil and Kuzunoha.
• Relevant Tropes:
  • Leitmotif: Shinji will use various battle themes from Shin Megami Tensei franchise and Devil May Cry, but he will stick to two the most - Normal (Raidou's battle theme from Soulless Army) and Enraged (Vergil's version of Taste the Blood)
  • You Killed My Father: His main reason to hate Raynare (and in turn Kokabiel, as he ordered Geirin the XXII's death)
  • Left for Dead: His other reason to hate Raynare. He will remind her sarcastically why Double Tap is so important in her line of work.
  • Brought Down to Badass: Shinji will have most of his powers sealed, including Amon's powers, by Raynare after her Took a Level in Badass. He will still pose a huge threat, especially after getting DEMONICA prototype.
  • Mr. Exposition: He's this when talking about SMT demons;
  • One-Man Army: He's said to defeat a horde of 100 demons by himself.
  • Badass: Since he is SMT protagonist, he has to be one.
  • Odd Friendship: Both with Amon and Issei.
  • Idiot From Osaka: He's from Osaka, but he doesn't want to admit it.
  • Fanboy: Of Ai Hina
  • Overshadowed by Awesome: As the story will progress, he will work hard to avert this trope by any means. He wants to remain relevant with Issei, Hibiki, Nanashi and Flynn around and THEM getting stronger.
  • The Dreaded: All supernatural factions are wart of summoners from Kuzunoha Clan and Shinji is no different.
  • The Musketeer: Wields his master's old katana Yamato (which is a Cool Sword on it's own) and revolver he calls Red Rose.
  • Ship Tease: At first with Akeno, then with Rei (an OC representing High School Dx D).
  • Did You Just Punch Out Chtulhu?: He beats powerful demons, which could rival high level Devils on a regular basis. He will also vanquish most of the Fiends after him, SMT!Metatron and Archangels and Soulless God Oumagatsu.
  • Cool Sword: His master's old katana Yamato, which can be upgraded with right demon sacrifice in Cathedral of Shadows in Dark Realm. He will also claim Red Rider's sword after defeating the Fiend.
    Hope you like him.

Edited by ArcticDog18 on Aug 1st 2018 at 6:06:57 PM

Just a reminder that you have to critique the above person's character before making your own.

Oh. Apologies. I forgot I'm still new to writing on ANY forums. Please don't be mad at me.
Okay, I must admit, I have absolutely no experience with giant heroes. The only hero who can turn into a giant and I know good enough is Ant-Man. And I dare to say, that he's a badass. After reading about Julie Ann, I started to like and pity her. Because of her condition, she's unable to spend time with her family peacefully and is destined to destroy the world. If she only could learn how to SHRINK in size, she would not only prevent the Bad Future she is destined to cause, but also could increase her effectiveness in combat (I think?). I wonder if there are any decent scientists, who could help Julie Ann with her growing problem.
I always liked the theme of defying fate and here's no different. If I knew I was going to end the world, I would do anything to avert this future. But, there's always no certainty if your attempts won't turn into a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy.
Like I said, I have absolutely no experience with giant heroes. But, Julie Ann is an interesting character to say the least. I wonder if she has any archenemies? A powerful Kaiju or another giant?
Voltech 44, sorry for not writing a critique of your character. It was rude of me. And, thanks Sky Haven Path 13 for reminding me about writing a critique for previous character in this thread. I'll remember to do it next time.

Edited by ArcticDog18 on Aug 2nd 2018 at 12:41:55 PM

No worries about missing the critique. It happens.

In your defense, though? You're not the only one who doesn't have experience with giant heroes. I'm lacking too (memo to self: start getting into Ultraman), so everything is basically just logical deduction — and the key deduction is that being a giant hero would suck without the ability to shrink back down. Maybe that's why they're so rare in fiction? Hmmm.

At any rate, if she could shrink in size, that'd solve a lot of Julie Ann's problems...which is exactly why that's NOT an ability she'll ever have. On her own? She can only prevent her growth at best (with yoga and such), or actively resist it on the spot before it goes gonzo. Imagine Bruce Banner fighting to keep the Hulk in check, and you've pretty much got it. Either way, there are scientists and such along the way, but one of them is only an observer of the craft that's still deep in his college years — and kind of a weirdo — and the other is a crusty drunkard who can't/won't do much besides mouth off. What a crew.

As for archenemies? You've pretty much guessed it already. There are some special kaiju that crop up over the course of the story, yet the real threat comes from those that possess human intelligence. The Disc-One Final Boss is the president (not THAT one) with all of the resources and forces that that entails...including his own personal Jaeger.◊ The real, persistent, and final villain? Granted this could change along the way — as it has before. But right now it's an ex-concert violinist who's played surrogate mother to Chase time and time again — and extremely well — yet gets progressively nudged aside as Julie Ann reasserts her presence. So basically, her arc is a Start of Darkness that has her going from "the perfect woman" to...not perfect at all.

WELP, now I'm inspired to hijack the Villain Critique Thread to talk about her more. Till then? Thanks for the input. Now to punish others with even more writing elsewhere.

Bump.

So, no one has any idea for heroes lately?

x5 Doesn't look like anyone's critiqued this character yet. I'm not familiar with the source material, but I'll do my best. He seems pretty darn powerful, and there is an awful lot of death in his backstory, but then again, Tropes Are Tools. Aside from that, he's got flaws and limitations and a fairly solid motive, and overall looks like a great character. Good job!

Chiming in...

I want to share with you the character of The Leader of my ensemble cast. I'm wondering if I managed to balance his sense of honor with his nastiness well enough for him to be sympathetic (and interesting).

Name: Max Ahlstrom.

Age: Mid-thirties.

Personality: Brooding, reserved, curt yet courteous, has an understated sense of humor. Suspicious.

Abilities: Badass Normal. Has an extensive practical and theoretical knowledge of firearms, combat tactics (both ranged, hand-to-hand and aerial, see below), navigation and how to run an airship in general.

Weaknesses: The combination of the desire to uphold his personal honor with his unwillingness to harm the defenseless. Sometimes they conflict, and it poses serious problems. Also, there's the fact that he often finds himself in problematic situations that go beyond his fairly limited skillset.

Goals: At the start of the story: survive in a hostile environment.

Motivation: Pure, unadulterated stubbornness in the face of adversity.

Role in the story: The Leader of the Ensemble Cast.

• The Ace: A member of Aetopholian Warrior Caste youth receives a tattoo if they complete a training course with excellence. Max is covered in such tattoos head to toe.
• The Alcoholic: He didn't take his exile well.
• Anti-Hero: Of the Pragmatic Hero variety. He will do anything in his power to complete a given task (provided the task itself is noble enough. And the bar is set quite low), but there are some lines he will not cross.
• The Atoner: As an active, battle-hardened army colonel, he participated in some nasty stuff. He feels that what he did was necessary only about a small part of it.
• Berserk Button:
  • Cruelty. Defeating an enemy in a (relatively) fair battle is one thing. As far as Max concerned, they'd know what they are getting into when they were picking up the weapon. Harming the surrendered or (even worse) the innocent? That's crossing the line. Considering Max's (former) status of a family man, this extends to domestic abusers.
  • Implying that he enjoys violence.
• Blood Knight: Even though he does everything in his power to defy that, deep down he really does enjoy the thrill of battle. He would hate to admit it, but getting into the first fight in years after getting exiled felt invigorating.
• Bully Hunter: Played With. The Aetopholian Warrior Caste education system is brutal. Being its graduate, he has no qualms about the bullying during training, seeing it as the necessary part of it and the means of trimming out the unworthy of the warrior status. However, he also knows that bullying within an already established unit is the sign of poor leadership and does everything to prevent and punish for it in order to maintain the healthy working atmosphere within the team. At the same time, he also realizes that the education system he was raised in is unique to his home city and the children and teenagers are, essentially, civilians. Trying to apply the way he was brought up to the current, vastly different situation while trying to reconcile it with his sense of empathy is a huge internal conflict for him.
• The Captain: Of the Afalina.
• Colonel Badass: His rank of chiliarchos in the Aetopholian Air force translates to this.
• Defector from Decadence: In his prime, Max was almost the living embodiment of Aetopholian virtues. He betrayed his high command the moment he thought they were not up to his standards.
• Deliberate Values Dissonance: Yes, he refused to spill the innocent blood when he was ordered to. He was also actively participating in suppressing a slave revolt without any qualms before that event. In his defense, the rest of the world (essentially being an uplifted Bronze Age society) is still comprised of slave-owning societies of some sort.
• The Exile: Technically, he was sentenced to death by the crowd. He was the first person in decades to survive the ordeal and escape.
• Face of a Thug: His Facial Markings make him look like an evil spirit from fairy tales even more.
• A Father to His Men: The reveal that his former unit is now lead by a lot more expedient commander causes a certain amount of angst in Max but not the extent of regretting his actions.
• First-Person Smartass: His polite demeanor hides the biting wit of his true attitude towards his peers.
• Fish out of Water: Has a lot of problems in adjusting to the civilian way of life once he was exiled.
• Gone Horribly Right: Max was the best graduate of the Aetopholian Warrior Caste training system of his generation. A system that instills a sense of honorableness and competence in its pupils. The result was that Max refused a direct order when he felt it was dishonorable, and was capable enough to escape his death sentence.
• Guttural Growler: His voice is "strained from the lifetime of shouting out commands and drinking countless liters of aqua vitae".
• Happily Married: Of the Perfectly Arranged Marriage variety. Before his exile, he had quite loving and cordial (if childless) relationship with his wife. The fear of what would the Aetopholian government do to the wife of a traitor haunts him to this day.
• Honor Before Reason: He knew he was done for when he was disobeying a direct order. The reason he didn't desert that instance is because he thought that he will be court-martialed and shot, meaning he will remain within the Warrior Caste and die with his honor intact. Getting kicked out of the military was a huge surprise and a disappointment to him, so he resolved to live to regain his personal honor as a warrior.
• Jack of All Stats: He's a competent combatant, but not as good as Sa'ad. He's quite charismatic when he needs to be, but Karl is the team's The Social Expert. He's quite smart, but doesn't match the raw intelligence of Cecilia. He knows his way around techs, but Robin is the team's Wrench Wench prodigy.
• Just Following Orders: Defied and got punished for that. It's also one of the reasons he doesn't like to talk about his past. Employers don't like insubordination, after all.
• Noble Demon: He was an honorable army officer of an oppressive state. All things considered, he would have stayed the same way if he hadn't received that fated order that made him realize that his state is going too far. Huge parts of his Character Development and the source of many conflicts is him trying to outgrow this role. Part of the problems comes from that he's living in a city that was conquered by Aetopholia some time ago. While he may act noble, most people only see the demon in him.
• Officer and a Gentleman: Civil, courteous airship captain. Most of the time.
• Perpetual Frowner: Has a frown grown into his face.
• Proud Warrior Race Guy: Never stopped measuring his self-worth by his ability to kick ass even after he wasn't officially a part of his culture.
• Terse Talker: A taciturn fellow. Part of it can be attributed to his lack of fluency in the Common tongue, but he tries to measure his words down even when talking in Aetopholian. His inner monologues, on the other hand…
• What a Senseless Waste of Human Life: His opinion of his orders to level a helot village as the part of scare tactics employed by his state.
• Would Not Shoot a Civilian: The reason he was kicked out of the Aetopholian military.

Edited by Millership on Oct 6th 2018 at 4:00:11 PM

I'd say you've succeeded in your goal of making him sympathetic and interesting. The first-person POV will probably help with that as well. Overall, nice character!

Name: Knight Sky (tentative; might change it if it's too narmy)
Age: Unknown
Personality: Knight Sky was an idealist who would bravely fight for those who could not. Despite his silence, it was always clear that there was nothing he would rather be doing.
Abilities: Weather Manipulation. He could be a formidable opponent on his own, but he could use his abilities to assist his Pokemon as well. In addition, he could fly, and wore a (mundane) suit of armor to help protect him from injury - and identification.
Weaknesses: The armor slowed him down somewhat. Also, as far as Elemental Rock-Paper-Scissors is concerned, he was Flying/Steel type.
Goals: To protect those around him from whoever or whatever may threaten them.
Motivation: A combination of idealism and responsibility.
Role: Former main hero of the Symphora region's northwestern zone, and something of a Big Good to the people there.
Backstory: Not much is known. He defended the zone for about five years, until one fateful day he faced a particularly formidable foe. The battle was so intense that the resulting blizzard brought down an avalanche on them both. It has been another five years since then when the story begins.
Tropes:

• The Cape: Certainly fits the character type. May or may not have a literal cape.
• The Gloves Come Off: He was normally quite mindful of collateral damage, but then along came a threat so dire that taking it down was all that mattered.
• Heroic Sacrifice: Went down fighting an especially dangerous supervillain.
• Knight in Shining Armor: Quite literally.
• Milking the Giant Cow: He could be pretty hammy for a guy who doesn't speak.
• Mysterious Protector: His influence is still around years after he himself is gone. When superhero battles break out in the area, the weather changes in favor of the side of good. In fact, this protection ceasing is one of the Signs of the End Times.
• Posthumous Character: He was buried in an avalanche along with the villain he was fighting, five years before the story begins.
• Punny Name: If I decide to go with the current name, it is this.
• The Voiceless: He never spoke while in his superhero persona, in order to avoid revealing his secret identity. Imagine April's frustration when she was asked to interview him.
• Walking Spoiler: Certain details of his past become relevant later on.
• Weather Manipulation
• Wide-Eyed Idealist

Edited by AgentKirin on Oct 12th 2018 at 6:26:22 AM

Normally I don't bump threads, but it's been almost two weeks and I hope I'm not holding up the line. Is there something confusing about the character that needs clarification, or have I simply posted too many from the same fic? (If the latter, I have others.)

I was planning to write about one of my heroes on the forum, but I couldn't decide which one - protagonist of Final Fight-inspired story Daniel "Graffiti Ninja" Rooks or one of my heroes for my Superhero/Thriller book I'm planning to write. For the moment, it's going to be one of the heroes for the book.

Before I get to it, Knight Sky. An interesting concept, but I can't say much else. A classical superhero, reminding me of Golden Age Superman.

Now that the critique is out of the way, let me introduce you to one of many heroes in my book, Mateusz Nowakowski (call him Matthew or M, because Polish runs on For the Evulz). But, before I introduce him to you all, let me tell you about the world in the book so you could understand few bits in his backstory.
The book takes place in Alternate History of our world, where as a result of Nazi Super-Soldier program getting sabotaged by the Allies, a powerful disease similar to the infamous Bubonic Plague was released and resulted in world-wide pandemic. Although countless died, the plague less lethal than Black Death. But, among those infected who recovered, some of them develop superpowers. Because of the existence of Parahumans (official name of people with superpowers) and some important historic figures dying much earlier or a bit later, history took a different path. Instead of European Union, there is European Dominion (ED for short), a Hegemonic Empire ruled by a stern, yet fair and benevolent Autarch and his Dominion Senate, a cabinet of advisers composed of representatives of member countries. [It works similarly to The Federation]
United States, Canada and Mexico formed a long lasting military and economical alliance called North America Alliance (NAA for short) in response to many crises, including the pandemic, appearance of people with superpowers and more.
An ideology propagated by pro-Parahuman movement from Japan called Inheritor Movement is gaining more followers in Asia, Europe and both Americas. Their leader, Takeshi Kobayashi, is one of the most influential people in the world and one of the strongest Parahumans in the setting.
A dangerous terrorist group called Pure Humanity Army is seeking to annihilate all Parahumans and any blood traitors to the humankind. Although divided after their leader's demise, they still pose a huge threat. Although small in numbers, they make up for it with cutting edge technology and fanatical zeal in their quest for genocide and genetic purity.
And, all of it is being observed by Enigma, a Benevolent Conspiracy led by a mysterious and charismatic man only known as "The Visionary".

While the first book takes place in 2029, Matthew's story began much earlier. He's meant to be one of the main heroes in prequel stories. Now, let me introduce him to you!

• Name: Mateusz Nowakowski
• Age: 32 in the first book; 22 in the first prequel; 24 in the second prequel
• Personality: Matthew is a cautious perceptive and kind man. He struggled in the past with low self esteem and trust issues. He still does, but not as much. As a result of being bullied at school and being a victim of racism due to his Parahuman status, he has a pessimistic outlook on life. And yet, he's an idealist deep down, dreaming of a world where no one is discriminated or ridiculed for being different and where no one has to suffer the nightmares of war.
  Getting his trust is very difficult, due to his traumatic past and anxieties. But, if someone manages to gain his trust, they'll gain a steadfast and loyal ally.
  As a result of his bad childhood and other factors in his life, mainly his training as a medic, Matthew is opposed to senseless violence, bullying and racism. He's also reluctant to taking lives, even in self-defense. But, there is a certain group of people that is an exception. Those people are Pure Humanity Army and their supporters. He has no qualms in killing their members, as he no longer considers them humans after the crimes they have committed. He sees them as monsters, that need to be put down, permanently.
• Abilities: Matthew can open portals anywhere he wants on the planet. But, he needs to fulfill certain requirements to do so: A) He SEES the location where he wants to open a portal; B) He HAS BEEN in that location before; or C) He's given the EXACT geographic coordinates. Additionally, when his portals closes, it can cut through anything inside it.
• Weaknesses: Creating and maintaining his portals open takes a huge tool on his body. It requires a lot of his stamina and, if he overuses his powers, he risks dying of total organ failure. The first sings of overuse: severe migraines, nosebleeds and great pain spreading throughout his body. This is a result of being affected by a powerful toxin manufactured by Pure Humanity Army. Before being affected by the Anti-Parahuman toxin, the result of overuse was Matthew fainting and waking up with a feeling akin to a nasty hangover couple of hours later. To alleviate the deadly part of power overuse, he takes a special medicine, which allows him temporarily use his powers with no drawbacks at all.
• Goals: Avenge his fallen comrades, destroy Pure Humanity Army, live a peaceful and quiet life with his girlfriend Nicole, serve Kobayashi family and protect Takeshi's children.
• Motivation: A desire to have his own "happy ending", a deep hatred for Pure Humanity Army, loyalty out of gratitude towards Kobayashi family for giving him a purpose in life.
• Role in story: One of main characters in prequels, almost always a member of The Cavalry in the main story

• Relevant Tropes:
  • Embarrassing Nickname: He sees "Charon" and "Guardian Angel" as those.
  • Determinator: This, combined with his deep hatred and his wits allowed him to survive anything life thrown at him
  • Power Of Hate: He attributes his hatred towards those who wronged him as his main source of strength and one of the main reasons why he survived the Eurasian War.
  • Dark and Troubled Past: All the bullying at school, harassment from racists and mistreatment from his older brother took a toll on poor Matthew.
  • All of the Other Reindeer: He was ridiculed for having non-combat powers and for being weak physically.
  • Happily Failed Suicide: He tried to kill himself out of all the mistreatment he suffered, but accidental activation of his powers saved him. Shortly after that, he adopted a cat, met his future Best Friend Akira (who saved his life couple of years later) and decided to continue living to find his purpose in life and spite all those who had driven him to attempt suicide in the first place.
  • Took a Level in Badass: From a depressed young man desperately looking for a purpose in life to one of the most dangerous Parahumans in the setting
  • Portal Combat: Once he got creative with his portals, his powers became a very powerful weapon.
  • Portal Cut: Anything, that is inside his portal will be cut when it closes. ANYTHING. He first weaponized this aspect of his powers when fighting Pure Humanity Army's Paladin (One-Man Army in Powered Armor).
    • Mundane Utility: Before that, he used his portals to cut bread and slice tomatoes for his sandwiches.
  • Difficult, but Awesome: His portals powers, especially after taking a hit from anti-Parahuman toxin. With enough creative thinking, he can take down a tank or a group of heavily armed Mooks by reflecting their attacks straight at them.
  • I Shall Taunt You\Schmuck Bait: His favorite tactic. Provoke the enemy to attack him to either redirect their ranged attack back at them or send them elsewhere.
  • Because You Were Nice to Me: On both ends of this trope. Because he saved Russian soldiers from Russian-hating General Ripper, they saved his life and send him a custom-made sniper rifle after the war. Because Kobayashi family gave him a decent job and paid for his very expensive medication, he serves them loyally.
  • Cool Guns: His custom-made sniper rifle from his Russian friends and a laser revolver he took from Pure Humanity Army's Paladin he killed as a Battle Trophy
  • Cold Sniper: Downplayed. When on the field with his rifle, he becomes very serious and quiet. Normally, he's friendly and kind.
  • Official Couple: He and Nicole Durand, a fellow member of 3rd Company
  • Took a Level in Cheerfulness: After he started working for Kobayashi family and started dating Nicole
  • The Dreaded: He became one after killing a Paladin. He uses his to his advantage to avoid unnecessary fights or during his Dark Shepherd moments
  • Honorary Uncle: He became one to Takeshi's kids
  • Earn Your Happy Ending: After all he went through, he finally found happiness. He has a loving girlfriend and True Companions, got a decent (if a bit dangerous) job and is treated with respect by many. But, with Pure Humanity Army around, he knows he can't rest on his laurels. He will do anything to prevent his Happy Ending Override
  • War Is Hell: Even before Eurasian War, Matt was a firm believer of that.
  • Reluctant Warrior: He dislikes fighting. But, he will fight back when provoked.
  • These Hands Have Killed: His reaction to his first kill, when he had to kill a soldier attacking field hospital he was stationed in to protect the patients.
  • Nice Guy: He's generally a nice fellow.
  • Good Is Not Soft: Do not mistake his kindness for weakness.
  • Food as Bribe: His friends and wards use milk chocolate (especially the one imported from Europe).
  • Leitmotif I can use 4 songs to describe his life:
    • Fade to Black by Metallica to describe his past before the Eurasian War.
    • Die With Your Boots On by Iron Maiden to describe his service during the war.
    • Carry On by Avenged Sevenfold to describe him shortly after the war.
    • Hate By Design by Killswitch Engage to describe his Character Development and his decision to let go some of his hatred.