A poker obsessed Texan whispers his time old "good luck" motto in the hope it'll give him a good deck

The car flew off the road and down the side of the hill. All that was found was a burnt out wreck. There were no witnesses. Police are blaming the fire that led to the deaths of the car's occupants on an inherent design flaw in the vehicle's fuel tank.

edited 11th Feb '13 10:29:34 AM by porschelemans

This was the official news story at the time. However we now know that the bodies found were anonymous cadavers from the local medical school, planted to hide the escape of the master spy and criminal John West and his accomplice Julie Perice. Their whereabouts are presently unknown.

Nobody is a traitor, until they are.

edited 14th Mar '13 6:19:42 PM by HistoryMaker

A villain reveals that the hero's most trusted friend was indeed the traitor, and all it took was some blackmail.

I kill and kill and kill and god all I do is kill

A krill fisherman has a bit of a speech impediment, leading to amusing misunderstandings.

Mix the sugar with the water and wait. We'll be good to go soon enough.

Someone is turning cocaine into crack so they can pay of a gambling debt they owe to the mafia.

"A shovel, duct tape, and half a pound of salted butter...god help us."

Good luck with mine ;)

edited 15th Mar '13 12:28:57 PM by boreed

Our heroes are attempting a daring escape; they've thus far slipped their cells and found their way into a small supply shed. Alas, a hurried search turned up only the above items, and the quote in response. This is not going to be an easy escape... but they have to try.

With a shudder, the world burst.

..and the virgin was pushed into the volcano.

So, your name is Edit?

edited 15th Mar '13 1:40:50 PM by m8e

Edward It just introduced himself. Never Heard That One Before.

Only the gravel can save us now!

The gravel in question is the ground-down remains of an ages-old statue to a half-forgotten deity, one distinguished by the fact that somehow it has retained, soaked into its very fabric, a drop of that long-gone deity's power. By this point in the story, all but a handful is gone, evaporated as its power was used.

The situation is truly dire: in moments the villain will have power enough that little might stop him. The protagonists are arguing over using the last of the gravel to destroy him. One character, a devoted religious scholar, is set against it, heartbroken at the thought of losing the last of a forgotten religion. Another, frustrated, cries out the above line.

He shuddered in horror. "Please... no... Is- is that a kitten...?"

edited 16th Mar '13 9:49:47 AM by ArsThaumaturgis

Joe is playing a game where he bets his best friends $50 that he can go an hour without smiling. Things are going well until his friend's girlfriend comes home holding the world's cutest kitten.

Fine! we'll just have to do it without potatoes.

Prohibition era. The characters are moonshiners, distilling potatoes into Poitin and Vodka. Unfortunately, their delivery of potatoes has been waylaid by a rival moonshining-gang. With all sorts of unsavoury characters expecting them to deliver, our moonshiners must find a way to distill enough alcohol without potatoes.


If you aren't prepared to fight to the death, you ought to get a new haircut.

Joe is from out-of-town way out of town. In fact he has no idea how he got to the town of Trators Elbow. He just suddenly found himself stumbling around street with no recolection of the last few hours. He sees a bar and stumbles in. The first thing he notices is that everyone in the bar has a buzz cut. Joe has a ponytail. Suddenly the place goes quiet and several guns are pointed at his face. Terrified Joe throws his hands in the air and begs them not to shoot. An old man rises tells the twitchy gunmen "I don't think he's really one of them" . Then he turns to Joe and says " son I'm going to give you some free advice..."

wake me up when September ends

A special kind of bear hibernates through september.

"I told you we were out of bathtub-wine."

edited 17th Mar '13 12:28:16 PM by BiggerBen

So what you are saying is you served the governor radiator moonshine ?

Five days 3 hours and 42 minutes

The amount of time Alice and Bob's contractor estimates it'll take him to fix the damage caused by Bob's Zany Scheme.

Step away from my pet book!

In the world of Biblia, books are sentient creatures that are sometimes adopted by people. Some do not take kindly to their books being threatened. Or touched.

"Still, if you have reason to believe a girl fancies you, you can't go wrong with sappy stuff like that."

"My plan is to climb the old maple tree outside her window and leave a single rose and a CD of the song I wrote for her on her windowsill. That way it will be there when she wakes up. What do you think?"

"Well son, it sounds like a great way to break your neck, or get shot by her father. But...'''

I'm a Veterinarian!

edited 19th Mar '13 2:13:55 PM by HistoryMaker

A gang of under-tens are playing charades; one girl is making sawing and stabbing motions. The others guessed serial killer, ninja assassin, lumberjack, and other assorted professions until she was too exasperated to continue.

Nonsense! No gun can reload that fast!

The year is 1718. Local law enforcement is investigating a shooting there is conflicting witness testimony. Most insisting there was a lone gunman. Police are hesitant to believe this theory because several of the witnesses heard "nine or 10 rounds in one minute" but saw only one gun.

Fried buzzard isn't so bad actually

A group of starving individuals lost in the wilderness are surprised to find that one of their number is actually an outdoor survival expert, as revealed by an incident in which a buzzard is killed by a lightning strike

I forgot to mention Memphis, home of Elvis, and the ancient Greeks.

A very drunk Uncle Max is telling the kids about all the amazing places he has "been", making up half of it and getting the other half wrong.

Sometimes you just have to throw fruit at the problem.

A Bond One-Liner delivered by The Hero after he succeeds in sending the villain's car flying off a cliff by throwing a banana through the window, hitting the driver in the eye and distracting him for long enough for the aforementioned accident to happen.

"There are only 12 days left of your life"

Fifteen-hundred applied, 300 were chosen for the first interstellar colonization mission. The planet has already been teraformed but it is several lightyears away. The ship travels at relativistic but sub light speeds. Therefore even if the could go back it would take many years (from earth's perspective) and everything would be different.

The program director is giving a speech to the chosen encouraging them to "live like they're dieing" and cross as many things off their bucket lists as possible in the next 12 days before they are sealed inside the ship and can never return to the world as they know it.

Alcohol, tobacco, and firearms

edited 12th Apr '13 1:02:22 PM by HistoryMaker

A police officer walks up to a Standard '50s Father and informs him of what was found in his Seemingly Wholesome '50s Girl daughter's bedroom.

"A Slice of life, a piece of mind"