Joke thread

That's "lulz" (or perhaps "lolz") not "lulls". Autocorrect is a pain in the ass I know...

edited 16th Apr '17 1:42:28 PM by Theatre_Maven_3695

Why did no-one mourn the donkey who pulled a Super Window Jump?

He was a pane in the ass.

Who got a pane/pain in his ass!

An atom walks into the bar all sad. The bartender asks, "Why are you so sad?"

The atom replies, "I lost an electron today."

The bartender asks, "Are you sure?"

The atom replies, "I'm positive."

We have a bad puns thread too, y'know. <groans>

For their anniversary, a man bought his beautiful wife a diamond broach. Not expecting such an expensive and well-thought-out gift from her charming but often times muddle-headed husband, the wife decides to set up a wild romantic night for just the two of them, telling her husband only that there would be an “extra special surprise” for him when he got home that evening.

She goes out to an adult novelty store, and picks up among other things a dozen special lavender-scented candles for the occasion.

Now, what the wife did not realize was that in the store at the time was a slightly irate, and perhaps mildly deranged young woman who had recently suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her. The only clue she had to who her boyfriend had been sleeping with, was that he had come home smelling like the lavender-scented candles coincidentally sold only in this particular store, and which the unsuspecting wife had just purchased a bunch of. Noticing this purchase, the young lady begins to tail the wife back.

Meanwhile, when the wife had left her house, she did not realize she had been seen leaving by a fairly attractive female cat-burglar, who had been sighting the neighborhood for potential targets. Seeing that the house was now unoccupied for at least a little while, the cat-burglar attempts to break into the home. She makes her way into the bedroom, when she sees on the night stand the diamond broach the wife had gotten as an anniversary gift. The burglar is about to swipe it and leave, when she suddenly hears the wife pulling back into the driveway. The bedroom was on the second floor, while the burglar had entered in through a window she had pried open in the kitchen. Knowing she can not to back out the same way she had come in, the cat burglar sees a crawlspace door on the ceiling of the bedroom closet. Not having time to find a better hiding spot, she rushes to the closet, literally jumps through the ceiling door, and manages to get it back in place just before the wife enters into the bedroom, completely oblivious to what just happened.

The wife, quickly changing and setting up the bedroom, lighting candles, putting on her best neglige, setting a romantic soundtrack playing, the whole twelve yards.

Outside the jealous and woefully misguided young woman from back at the adult novelty store has somehow climbed up to the second story bedroom window, and through a small space between the curtains, is able to see what the housewife is doing. Seeing the older woman setting up the candles and prancing around in an “almost-nothing”, the young woman wrongfully assumes it is for her cheating boyfriend, and vows that TWO can play at this game.

Up above, the cat-burglar has been attempting to silently move along the beams in the ceiling’s crawl space, specifically beams that were not really meant for human being to move across, in hopes of escaping through another part of the house undetected. However, her blouse, along with the bra-strap underneath it, have gotten caught on a loose jagged nail in one of the roof beams. Although she really needed two hands to properly balance in this state, she could not get the nail to unhook on its own, and would need to use her hands to unhook it from the beam.

At this time, by complete coincidence, the husband finally returned home, eager to find out what his wife’s “special surprise” would be. When he reached the bedroom, his jaw nearly hit the floor with amazement, as he saw his wife dressed more provocatively than even on their wedding day.

At the same time the wife got up to go to bring her stunned husband to the bed, the jealous young woman, now naked as a jay bird, kicked in the thankfully shatter-proof bedroom window, giving a Tarzan-like yell as she barged in! This was enough to startle the cat burglar up above, who lost her balance completely, and had her blouse & bra torn completely off, as she fell butt first onto the bed.

Upon seeing two more naked women suddenly appearing in the bedroom, the husband actually broke into tears.

“DAMNIT WOMAN! I ONLY HAVE ONE PENIS!!!”

Richard: Knock, knock.
John: Who's there?
Richard: Woo.
John: Woo who?
Richard: A prince does not 'woo-hoo'.

an oldie but a goodie:

A burglar made his way into a shop one night and absolutely sacked the place, breaking into the register, pocketing the pistol under the counter, grabbing a few high-end alcohols and spirits to boot, and was in the process of nabbing all of the cigarettes when he heard a voice:

"God is watching."

He looked around, utterly confused, but shook his head and made for the Pall Mall's and Pyramids before hearing it again.

"God is watching."

Pausing once again, the burglar looked around, still totally confused, but did his best to ignore it as he cleared the rack of Marlboros. Still again:

"God is watching."

He wheeled around and finally caught sight of it: a bird cage with a fairly exotic parrot that was preening itself nonchalantly.

"Hey, bird, what's your name?"

The bird replied "John the Baptist, scraaaawk!"

"Who the hell named you that?"

The bird simply said "The same nut who named the Rottweiler 'God!'"

Faust: Classic joke. I remember hearing variations over the years.

What is a racist hillbilly's favorite fruit?

Pumpkin.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? ^Answer  That depends on how strong and accurate your throws are.

A guy got hired to paint the lines on highways. On the first day, he painted 10 miles. The next day, he only painted 5. The third day, he only managed 2 miles. So his foreman calls him into the office & says "What's going on? You did great your first day, but have gotten worse every day since?" The guy replied, "Well, each day I got further away from the can!"

Two jokes.

Why was the Mafia boss hiring shell fish? He was looking for mussel.

A woman brings her pet bird to the vet and says "I think my bird is really sick." The vet looks the bird over and prods it. "Mam your bird is dead." he says. "Would you please run some tests to make sure." She asks. So the vet goes in back and brings out a dog. The dog sniffs the bird and turns it nose up. The vet takes it back. The vet thinks for a moment humming to himself before he retrieves a cat. The cat circles the bird paws at gently then shakes it head and walks away. The vet puts the cat away and turns to the lady. "I am sorry mam but the lab test and cat scan say your bird is dead.".

What is the difference between a Peeping Tom and someone who has just come out of the bath?

One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I have a Polish friend who works as an audio technician, and a Czech one, too. Czech, Czech one, too.

That was terrible.

Thanks! :D

A group of Football Hooligans were tortured with insults. Their rational thinking not helped by the whooping from the other members and their recent drinking binges, eventually they all killed each other. You could say they were burned to death.

There is 1 16-year-old girl who slept with 69 guys 3 times each. What is she? Loose. (11669 x 3 = 35001)

someone on the internet: "Hey, isn't that guy from U[nreal] T[ournament]?

me, in my head: "fuck no, mate, that's a skeleton."

an explanation: ok so this is more "a humorous thing that happens to me due to my own perception" but as someone who grew up playing a lot of arena shooters, the acronym UT will always stand for Unreal Tournament in my head. that people are now using it to refer to undertale is a constant source of confusion for me. i suppose it's slightly more esoteric humor but sue me, i found it funny enough.

Did you know you change ethnicities when you go to the bathroom?

First you be Russian, then European. First you be rushin', then you're a-peein'.

and then you're finnish!

edited 2nd Jun '17 5:18:39 PM by ImmortalFaust