Joke thread:

Total posts: [1,913]
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Definitely not a weirdo
Ooh. Pirate jokes. I know another pirate joke.

A man walks into a bar, and sees a pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch. He approached the pirate, and said, "Sir. There's a steering wheel on your crotch."

The pirate responded, "I know. It's driving me nuts."
252 PurpleDalek12th Nov 2012 03:10:35 AM from a planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse , Relationship Status: Tongue-tied
The other day, I saw a man in the park feeding the birds.

I wonder how long he's been dead.
I hate gardening! What sort of a person has a power complex about flowers? Itís dictatorship for inadequates.
253 LoniJay12th Nov 2012 03:20:21 AM from Australia , Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
A burglar was breaking into a house. Once he got inside it was pitch black, and he was fumbling around looking for the light switch when he heard a voice.

"Jesus is watching you!" it said. The burglar froze, but when minutes went past without him hearing anything else, he decided he had imagined it and kept going.

"Jesus is watching you!" the voice said again. The burglar finally find the light switch and turned it on.

"Jesus is watching you!" said a large parrot in a cage.

"Oh, you're just a parrot!" the burglar exclaimed. "You scared me to death! You're very good at talking."

"Yeah, well, I've had a long time to learn," the parrot said. "My name is Albert."

"Albert's a funny name for a parrot."

"Not as funny as 'Jesus' for a Rottweiler."

edited 12th Nov '12 3:24:43 AM by LoniJay

Be not afraid...
Princess Ymir's knightess
A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says: "Get the fuck out of here."
Definitely not a weirdo
I got threatened with violence for telling this one at work, but I'm going to share it with you anyway.

I hear calculus was particularly popular among the civil rights movement. They were all for integration.
256 MasterInferno12th Nov 2012 08:14:15 PM from Ideal City , Relationship Status: With my statistically significant other
All Pop, No Culture
When is the first time tennis is mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
It's not time to enter the meatlocker.
257 BrainSewage18th Nov 2012 08:14:31 PM from that one place
My other favorite joke:

These two midgets are roommates, and they each decide to get a hooker for the night. The first midget is laying there all night, and he just can't get an erection to save his life. All night, form across the hall, he hears, "One, two, three...uuunnnnnhhhhh!"

The next morning, he goes up to his roommate and says, "Man, last night sucked. I couldn't get it up for more than five seconds." To which his roommate replies,

"That's nothing. I couldn't even get up onto the bed!"
258 BlueNinja018th Nov 2012 09:16:30 PM from Lost in a desert oasis , Relationship Status: In my bunk
Chronically Sleep Deprived
A New York billionaire has announced he's designing the Titanic Mk II. In related news God has announced he is planned the Iceberg Mk II.
TBH, his ego doesn't need more stroking. Nor does any other part of him. - M84
259 Mukora19th Nov 2012 03:46:15 AM from a place , Relationship Status: I made a point to burn all of the photographs
What do you call an alcoholic with twenty kids?

A bus driver.
"It's so hard to be humble, knowing how great I am."
260 OrangeSpider21st Nov 2012 09:27:29 AM from Ursalia , Relationship Status: On the prowl
Must Keep The Web Intact
A highly-sarcastic person is a lot like onions.

It has multiple layers.

And as you peel off the layers, you realise every layer is the same and you start crying.

The Great Northern Threadkill.
261 MasterInferno21st Nov 2012 10:25:12 PM from Ideal City , Relationship Status: With my statistically significant other
All Pop, No Culture
Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.
It's not time to enter the meatlocker.
262 truteal22nd Nov 2012 12:00:45 PM from the great southern land
animation elitist
A Sane Brony is okay with art of the Mane Six as humans as long as it's well drawn

A Militant Brony is okay with art of the Mane Six as humans as long as the Mane Six in said art are all Caucasian and have hourglass figures
Protestant Christian humor:

A Methodist is a Baptist with shoes, a Presbyterian is a Methodist with a college education, and an Episcopalian is a Presbyterian with a trust fund.
"I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65,000 miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon."
264 DrFurball22nd Nov 2012 03:54:18 PM from The House of the Rising Sun , Relationship Status: Tongue-tied
Two-bit blockhead
70% of people masturbate in the shower. The other 30% sing. Do you know what song they sing?

I guess that shows which group you're part of, then.

Now that I've typed it out, I see that one works better if someone asks "No, what?"
265 MorwenEdhelwen25th Nov 2012 01:25:45 AM from Sydney, Australia
Aussie Tolkien freak
The road goes ever on.
Remarkably Unremarkable
My love life.
267 MorwenEdhelwen25th Nov 2012 01:32:10 AM from Sydney, Australia
Aussie Tolkien freak
@tendollar: Your love life is a joke? Why does everyone say that?
The road goes ever on.
268 MorwenEdhelwen5th Dec 2012 04:12:11 PM from Sydney, Australia
Aussie Tolkien freak
A woman is driving on a road. Her husband is at home listening to the news and the newscaster says "Be careful on that road, there's a lunatic driving the wrong way!" The man calls his wife and tells her to be careful because there's a lunatic driving the wrong way. And she says, "What do you mean? There's heaps of them!"
The road goes ever on.
Never Ask Me the Odds
Just a comment about the "Kingdom of Mee" joke a while back... I thought the punchline was going to be something like, 'you're not the boss of Mee!' tongue

I once knew a mathematician who, despite stereotypes, was a good athlete and loved playing tennis. He and his regular playing partner could keep up a volley for a very, very long time. Frustration would always set in whenever, inevitably, one of them would get a point, though, even it was himself and it meant he was winning. He was fascinated by infinite sets, you see.
She of Short Stature & Impeccable Logic

My Skating Liveblog
270 MidnightRambler6th Dec 2012 08:45:05 AM from Germania Inferior
Ich bin nicht schuld! 's ist Gottes Plan!
Charlie McCrook is planning to break into the giant mansion of Gaston le Posh. In the middle of the night, he packs his crowbar, as well as other tools that will come in handy, and heads for the mansion. However, he is stopped by police before he gets there. Seeing the equipment he is carrying, they get suspicious and arrest him. He is charged with attempted burglary.

'That's ridiculous!', he protests. 'I didn't even touch the house!'
'No, but you were carrying the tools to do it!', the prosecutor says.
Frustrated, Charlie replies, 'Well, then go ahead and charge me with attempted rape, as well - after all, I'm carrying the tools to do it!'

edited 6th Dec '12 8:45:54 AM by MidnightRambler

Dapper Gentleman
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of pavement held under his arm. "I'd like a martini," he tells the bartender, "and one for the road."
"And every life is a special story of its own." —The Stargazer, Mass Effect 3
272 TheMike11th Dec 2012 07:51:49 AM , Relationship Status: Non-Canon
Bo "Jangles" Wyatt
A girl was texting and driving the other day, and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
In the backyard, buried deep underneath the tree
There's a monster, takin' root in the property...
273 MrAHR11th Dec 2012 09:55:42 AM from ಠ_ಠ , Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
[up]I did not realize I had clicked the joke thread at first and was very confused as to why you would do such a thnig.
274 CalamityJane11th Dec 2012 06:18:34 PM from None of your business , Relationship Status: Robosexual
Once upon a time, there was a group of children in a kindergarten doing crafts for the holidays. During these arts and crafts, one of the children refused to make any stockings or tree ornaments. Concerned, the teacher believed that he was being bullied for not making them correctly.

The next day, the teacher gave a lecture about bullying. All the children then acted like a veritable hugbox, and nobody's craft designs or drawings were teased. Still the boy did not make any ornaments or stockings. She figured it may have been because he was a different religion.

The day after, she made a lecture about religious tolerance, the importance of other holidays such as Hanukkah, and encouraged the children to draw things from other holidays. All of the children then began to make their own paper menorahs to hand to their parents, but still the boy would not make any crafts for the holidays at all.

Finally, the teacher asked the little boy why he did not make any crafts for the three days she had been teaching them how. The little boy responded "Sorry ma'am, I'm blind."
275 MorwenEdhelwen15th Dec 2012 07:10:43 AM from Sydney, Australia
Aussie Tolkien freak
@CJ: smile wink
The road goes ever on.

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