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Joke thread:

Definitely not a weirdo
Ooh. Pirate jokes. I know another pirate joke.

A man walks into a bar, and sees a pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch. He approached the pirate, and said, "Sir. There's a steering wheel on your crotch."

The pirate responded, "I know. It's driving me nuts."
 252 Purple Dalek, Mon, 12th Nov '12 3:10:35 AM from a planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse Relationship Status: Tongue-tied
Soufflés and a cup of tea
The other day, I saw a man in the park feeding the birds.

I wonder how long he's been dead.
It has to be your place. Mine totally reeks of ocelot piss.
 253 Loni Jay, Mon, 12th Nov '12 3:20:21 AM from Australia Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
A burglar was breaking into a house. Once he got inside it was pitch black, and he was fumbling around looking for the light switch when he heard a voice.

"Jesus is watching you!" it said. The burglar froze, but when minutes went past without him hearing anything else, he decided he had imagined it and kept going.

"Jesus is watching you!" the voice said again. The burglar finally find the light switch and turned it on.

"Jesus is watching you!" said a large parrot in a cage.

"Oh, you're just a parrot!" the burglar exclaimed. "You scared me to death! You're very good at talking."

"Yeah, well, I've had a long time to learn, " the parrot said. "My name is Albert."

"Albert's a funny name for a parrot."

"Not as funny as 'Jesus' for a Rottweiler."

edited 12th Nov '12 3:24:43 AM by LoniJay

Be not afraid...
Princess Ymir's knightess
A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says: "Get the fuck out of here."

Definitely not a weirdo
I got threatened with violence for telling this one at work, but I'm going to share it with you anyway.

I hear calculus was particularly popular among the civil rights movement. They were all for integration.
 256 Master Inferno, Mon, 12th Nov '12 8:14:15 PM from Ideal City Relationship Status: Cast away
All Pop, No Culture
When is the first time tennis is mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Today's episode of Master Inferno Says Terrible Things is brought to you by...
 257 Brain Sewage, Sun, 18th Nov '12 8:14:31 PM from that one place
My other favorite joke:

These two midgets are roommates, and they each decide to get a hooker for the night. The first midget is laying there all night, and he just can't get an erection to save his life. All night, form across the hall, he hears, "One, two, three...uuunnnnnhhhhh!"

The next morning, he goes up to his roommate and says, "Man, last night sucked. I couldn't get it up for more than five seconds." To which his roommate replies,

"That's nothing. I couldn't even get up onto the bed!"

 258 Blue Ninja 0, Sun, 18th Nov '12 9:16:30 PM from The Middle of Nowhere Relationship Status: Non-Canon
Plotting my Escape
A New York billionaire has announced he's designing the Titanic Mk II. In related news God has announced he is planned the Iceberg Mk II.
The mark of a place joining the civilised section of the Internet is when it starts banning people being assholes in their space-Silas W
 259 Mukora, Mon, 19th Nov '12 3:46:15 AM from a place Relationship Status: Love is an open door
Uniocular
What do you call an alcoholic with twenty kids?

A bus driver.
 260 Orange Spider, Wed, 21st Nov '12 9:27:29 AM from Ursalia Relationship Status: On the prowl
Must Keep The Web Intact
A highly-sarcastic person is a lot like onions.

It has multiple layers.

And as you peel off the layers, you realise every layer is the same and you start crying.

The Great Northern Threadkill.
 261 Master Inferno, Wed, 21st Nov '12 10:25:12 PM from Ideal City Relationship Status: Cast away
All Pop, No Culture
Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.
Today's episode of Master Inferno Says Terrible Things is brought to you by...
 262 truteal, Thu, 22nd Nov '12 12:00:45 PM from the great southern land
animation elitist
A Sane Brony is okay with art of the Mane Six as humans as long as it's well drawn

A Militant Brony is okay with art of the Mane Six as humans as long as the Mane Six in said art are all Caucasian and have hourglass figures
Protestant Christian humor:

A Methodist is a Baptist with shoes, a Presbyterian is a Methodist with a college education, and an Episcopalian is a Presbyterian with a trust fund.
"I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65,000 miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon."
 264 Dr Furball, Thu, 22nd Nov '12 3:54:18 PM from All Along the Watchtower Relationship Status: Dancing with myself
WHAM
70% of people masturbate in the shower. The other 30% sing. Do you know what song they sing?

I guess that shows which group you're part of, then.

Now that I've typed it out, I see that one works better if someone asks "No, what?"
 265 Morwen Edhelwen, Sun, 25th Nov '12 1:25:45 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
@Master Inferno:tongue
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Remarkably Unremarkable
My love life.

 267 Morwen Edhelwen, Sun, 25th Nov '12 1:32:10 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
@tendollar: Your love life is a joke? Why does everyone say that?
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
 268 Morwen Edhelwen, Wed, 5th Dec '12 4:12:11 PM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
A woman is driving on a road. Her husband is at home listening to the news and the newscaster says "Be careful on that road, there's a lunatic driving the wrong way!" The man calls his wife and tells her to be careful because there's a lunatic driving the wrong way. And she says, "What do you mean? There's heaps of them!"
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Never Ask Me the Odds
Just a comment about the "Kingdom of Mee" joke a while back... I thought the punchline was going to be something like, 'you're not the boss of Mee!' tongue

I once knew a mathematician who, despite stereotypes, was a good athlete and loved playing tennis. He and his regular playing partner could keep up a volley for a very, very long time. Frustration would always set in whenever, inevitably, one of them would get a point, though, even it was himself and it meant he was winning. He was fascinated by infinite sets, you see.
She of Short Stature & Impeccable Logic

My Skating Liveblog
 270 Midnight Rambler, Thu, 6th Dec '12 8:45:05 AM from Germania Inferior
JEZUS MARIA PANIE KURWA BOŻE
Charlie McCrook is planning to break into the giant mansion of Gaston le Posh. In the middle of the night, he packs his crowbar, as well as other tools that will come in handy, and heads for the mansion. However, he is stopped by police before he gets there. Seeing the equipment he is carrying, they get suspicious and arrest him. He is charged with attempted burglary.

'That's ridiculous!', he protests. 'I didn't even touch the house!'
'No, but you were carrying the tools to do it!', the prosecutor says.
Frustrated, Charlie replies, 'Well, then go ahead and charge me with attempted rape, as well - after all, I'm carrying the tools to do it!'

edited 6th Dec '12 8:45:54 AM by MidnightRambler

"...and by 'the real world' I mean continental Europe."

– Me
Dapper Gentleman
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of pavement held under his arm. "I'd like a martini, " he tells the bartender, "and one for the road."
"And every life is a special story of its own." —The Stargazer, Mass Effect 3
 272 The Mike, Tue, 11th Dec '12 7:51:49 AM Relationship Status: Mu
A girl was texting and driving the other day, and it really pissed me off. So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
Neo Geo, Neo Geo Four bright buttons and two joysticks Neo Geo, Neo Geo Cool red cab and a name that sticks
 273 Mr AHR, Tue, 11th Dec '12 9:55:42 AM from ಠ_ಠ Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
[up]I did not realize I had clicked the joke thread at first and was very confused as to why you would do such a thnig.
 274 Calamity Jane, Tue, 11th Dec '12 6:18:34 PM from California Relationship Status: I'd need a PowerPoint presentation
Once upon a time, there was a group of children in a kindergarten doing crafts for the holidays. During these arts and crafts, one of the children refused to make any stockings or tree ornaments. Concerned, the teacher believed that he was being bullied for not making them correctly.

The next day, the teacher gave a lecture about bullying. All the children then acted like a veritable hugbox, and nobody's craft designs or drawings were teased. Still the boy did not make any ornaments or stockings. She figured it may have been because he was a different religion.

The day after, she made a lecture about religious tolerance, the importance of other holidays such as Hanukkah, and encouraged the children to draw things from other holidays. All of the children then began to make their own paper menorahs to hand to their parents, but still the boy would not make any crafts for the holidays at all.

Finally, the teacher asked the little boy why he did not make any crafts for the three days she had been teaching them how. The little boy responded "Sorry ma'am, I'm blind."
This is gonna take a while.
 275 Morwen Edhelwen, Sat, 15th Dec '12 7:10:43 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
@CJ: smile wink
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Total posts: 1,075
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