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Joke thread:

 1 Morwen Edhelwen, Thu, 2nd Aug '12 2:08:20 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
Anyone have good jokes they want to share?

This one is from my friend Caitie:

A. What did the sushi say to the other sushi?

B. I don't know, what?

A. Wassup, b?*

edited 3rd Aug '12 10:23:17 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
 2 Blackmoon, Thu, 2nd Aug '12 2:21:00 AM from the Blind Eternities Relationship Status: We finish each other's sandwiches
Your Worth is 50 Yen!
I always like this one. Not mine, though.

There was a German family once, two parents and their young son. Although the son was nearly four years old, he had never once spoken a word; indeed, he hardly made noise around the house at all, save for crying or bawling to show his displeasure, as infants often do. Naturally, this caused no small amount of grief and distress for his parents, who were concerned that there was something terribly wrong with their son. They took him to multiple psychiatrists and counselors, but none ever had any conclusive statement; most even said the boy was completely fine.

So, the mother, in an effort to get her son to speak, would feed him soup every night, and as she did so, she would talk to him, trying to get him to join in on the conversation. She would talk about their family, the news, the weather, anything that was going on in their lives, anything at all, to get her son to talk. This went on for years and years, with no visible change.

One night, however, during such a supper, the boy suddenly stopped his mother and said in a matter-of-fact voice: "Mother, the soup is cold."

His mother was understandably overwhelmed, embracing her son eagerly, sobbing, demanding to know, "Why? Why? Why have you never spoken all this time? Your father and I were so worried! Why have you only decided to speak now?"

The son simply replied, "Until now, the soup had been satisfactory."
月を見るたび思い出せ
 3 Morwen Edhelwen, Thu, 2nd Aug '12 3:24:14 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
@Blackmoon: That reminds me of this thread on Snopes: http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=60645. The punchline is, "When the crayon box gets to my end, there are only black crayons left!" grin.

edited 2nd Aug '12 3:25:23 AM by MorwenEdhelwen

The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
 4 Hourai Rabbit, Thu, 2nd Aug '12 4:38:35 AM from Fort Sandbox, El Paso Relationship Status: Hooked on a feeling
Do pushups.
The New European Langauge

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro English (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
Wise Papa Smurf, corrupted by his own power. CAN NO LEADER GO UNTAINTED?!
 5 Catfish 42, Thu, 2nd Aug '12 5:22:23 AM from world´s favourite country. Relationship Status: I'm just high on the world
Bloody Fossil
Mission Protocol 68

There was a space mission with a crew consisting of an astronaut and a chimpanzee. After their capsule had reaches orbit, the radio crackles to life: "Mission control, mission control, mission control to chimpanzee: Unfasten seatbelt and execute Mission Protocol 68-A." The chimp clicks his seatbelt open, floats across the capsule and types some commands into a bank of computers. The lights in the capsule come on and the maneuvering thrusters fire to point it towards earth.

The radio comes on again: "Mission control, mission control, mission control to chimpanzee: Showing your position correctly, execute Mission Protocol 68-B." The chimp types in some more commands and the capsule's solar sails unfold.

Again, the radio: "Mission control, mission control, mission control to astronaut: Unfasten seatbelt and execute Mission Protocol 68-C. Fee-" "I KNOW, I KNOW!", the astronaut shouts, "Feed the chimp, clean the capsule and don't touch any buttons!"
I am a traveller of both time and space
To be where I have been
 6 Morwen Edhelwen, Thu, 2nd Aug '12 7:08:23 PM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
@Hourai Rabbit. I LOVE [up] that.
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
What do you get when you put a knife in a baby? A life sentence in jail.
 8 Inhopelessguy, Fri, 3rd Aug '12 4:03:18 PM from Birmingham, Greater Europe Relationship Status: Less than three
💩💩💩💩💩&#1
I know a very lazy person. He's so lazy, they couldn't find his short-term memory.note

I watch your inhibitions fall to the floor.

You go to lock the door.

What should we~ do~?

 9 Furiko Maru, Fri, 3rd Aug '12 4:03:56 PM from The Arrogant Wasteland Relationship Status: He makes me feel like I have a heart
Reverse the Curse
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping. Holmes wakes in the middle of the night, and nudges his companion. "Watson. What do the stars tell you?"

A groggy Watson blinks up at the night sky, and thinking back to his military training, says, "Well, from the position of Venus I determine it's around three o'clock in the morning; from the clouds approaching slowly from the south I assume we'll have a rainstorm about midday; Sirius tells me that, as we know, it's early August; and philosophically, the stars tell me that I am insignificant in comparison with the wonders of the universe as a whole.

Why, Holmes? What do they tell you?"

The great detective is silent for a long moment. Then...

"Watson, you tit. Someone has stolen our tent."

 10 Morwen Edhelwen, Sun, 5th Aug '12 5:31:51 AM from Sydney, Australia
Tolkien freak
@Furiko Maru: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
 11 Inhopelessguy, Sun, 5th Aug '12 7:37:21 AM from Birmingham, Greater Europe Relationship Status: Less than three
💩💩💩💩💩&#1
I know a person who was so mean, they measured his meaness in metres per cubic second. note

edited 5th Aug '12 7:37:57 AM by Inhopelessguy

I watch your inhibitions fall to the floor.

You go to lock the door.

What should we~ do~?

Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right. The third one shouts: "We've hit it!"
<><
A blonde and a brunette jump off a cliff. Who wins?

The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions
ಠ_ಠ
 14 Prometheus 136, Sun, 5th Aug '12 12:25:09 PM from Yoknapatawpha County Relationship Status: It's so nice to be turned on again
that's amoree
Conservative politics.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
ಠ_ಠ
 16 resetlocksley, Sun, 5th Aug '12 1:22:58 PM from the TARDIS Relationship Status: Only knew I loved her when I let her go
Geronimo!
Question: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Answer: Fish.

A blonde is driving along in her car one day when she happens to drive past a field. Sitting in the middle of the field is another blonde in a canoe, paddling like mad but of course going nowhere. Infuriated, the first blonde pulls over to the side of the road, jumps out of her car and starts shouting at the blonde in the boat.

She says, "Hey, idiot! Yeah, I'm talking to you. It's morons like you that give the rest of us blondes a bad name! If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass right now!"
I'm hoping Grant Ward is put on a bus and someone drops a bridge on that bus and stuffs the bridge into a fridge and then nukes the fridge.
 17 Master Inferno, Sun, 5th Aug '12 3:48:36 PM from Ideal City Relationship Status: Cast away
All Pop, No Culture
...resisting urge to flood thread with dead baby jokes...

edited 5th Aug '12 3:48:58 PM by MasterInferno

Today's episode of Master Inferno Says Terrible Things is brought to you by...
 18 Inverurie Jones, Sun, 5th Aug '12 3:51:13 PM from Station 78 Relationship Status: And they all lived happily ever after <3
'80s TV Action Hero
So...many...babies...
Winter is Coming

'I can think of no more stirring symbol of man’s humanity to man than a fire engine.'

 19 Prometheus 136, Sun, 5th Aug '12 3:52:24 PM from Yoknapatawpha County Relationship Status: It's so nice to be turned on again
that's amoree
Wanna hear another joke?

Mike Huckabee.
 20 Inverurie Jones, Sun, 5th Aug '12 3:54:00 PM from Station 78 Relationship Status: And they all lived happily ever after <3
'80s TV Action Hero
I heart him.
Winter is Coming

'I can think of no more stirring symbol of man’s humanity to man than a fire engine.'

 21 Inhopelessguy, Sun, 5th Aug '12 3:55:40 PM from Birmingham, Greater Europe Relationship Status: Less than three
💩💩💩💩💩&#1
@ Pro. Mitt Romney once said a nice thing about a European state.

I watch your inhibitions fall to the floor.

You go to lock the door.

What should we~ do~?

 22 Prometheus 136, Sun, 5th Aug '12 3:58:54 PM from Yoknapatawpha County Relationship Status: It's so nice to be turned on again
that's amoree
Two politicians walk into a bar.

They settle their disagreements peacefully.
 23 Master Inferno, Sun, 5th Aug '12 4:29:59 PM from Ideal City Relationship Status: Cast away
All Pop, No Culture
Okay, fine, I'll do one.

What do you call a baby whose head has been blown off with a shotgun?

Dead.
Today's episode of Master Inferno Says Terrible Things is brought to you by...
 24 Inverurie Jones, Sun, 5th Aug '12 4:31:01 PM from Station 78 Relationship Status: And they all lived happily ever after <3
'80s TV Action Hero
I laughed.

I'm going to Hell.
Winter is Coming

'I can think of no more stirring symbol of man’s humanity to man than a fire engine.'

 25 Prometheus 136, Sun, 5th Aug '12 4:47:56 PM from Yoknapatawpha County Relationship Status: It's so nice to be turned on again
that's amoree
Which Hell?
Total posts: 1,054
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