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All Purpose Ranma Fanfiction Thread:

 1 Hyp3r B14d 3, Tue, 26th Jun '12 10:48:19 PM Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
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It seems there is a sore lack of a thread for Ranma ½ Fan Fiction. Or rather, there was until a second ago. Here you can recommend Ranma ½ fanfics, discuss Ranma 1/2 fanfics, or post snippets from Ranma fanfics that you're writing (assuming you are writing any).

  • Guidelines
    • A fic can be as long or as short as you want.
    • Rule of Fun is in effect. If you're tired of the fic you're working on, stop. You can always pick it back up later. Or not.
    • When you post the next part of your fic, we encourage you to post a link to the previous part if it's not on the same page (or to the rest of the fic if it's archived somewhere).
    • [[quoteblock]] is encouraged.
    • Leave the Die for Our Ship at the door (unless a character is intentionally trying to invoke this. After all, this is Ranma ½).
    • Please don't write anything sexually explicit. TV Tropes is Family Friendly, now.

Remember, these are guidelines, not rules (except for the last one). They will not be enforced, just recommended (again, except for that last one).

Hmm... does a fanfic count as a Ranma 1/2 fic if it's a Mega Crossover that only has one Ranma 1/2 character in it? Eh, probably. Hey, read my Naruto/RanmaOneHalf/PowerRangers/Mahou Sensei Negima! fanfic, ...Wait, Did That Happen Before?

edited 27th Jun '12 7:39:30 AM by Hyp3rB14d3

Wait, Did That Happen Before - In which Naruto's attempt to time-travel warps reality
 2 Marq FJA, Wed, 27th Jun '12 6:12:33 AM from Saudi Arabia Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
O' Allah, save Egypt
First: Any reason why you didn't include "½" in the thread title? Just curious.

Second: I suggest including in the OP the standard guidelines that are common among many of the other All-Purpose X Fanfiction Threads.
Ash-shaʻb yurīd isqāṭ ḥukm al-ʻaskar
 3 Hyp3r B14d 3, Wed, 27th Jun '12 7:22:02 AM Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
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There was no real reason for leaving out the 1/2 part. I just did.

Alright. Guidelines have been edited in. Although I wouldn't say they're exactly common with the other All Purpose X Fanfiction Threads, what with them only being in three other All Purpose Fanfiction Threads. That said, they do make the first post look more like a thread-starting post.

edited 27th Jun '12 7:36:26 AM by Hyp3rB14d3

Wait, Did That Happen Before - In which Naruto's attempt to time-travel warps reality
 4 Marq FJA, Wed, 27th Jun '12 9:31:08 AM from Saudi Arabia Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
O' Allah, save Egypt
Got a great starter topic that's inspired by a similar one in the Naruto fanfic thread:

How to Avoid Turning Ranma Saotome * Into a Mary Sue.

Hmm... does a fanfic count as a Ranma 1/2 fic if it's a Mega Crossover that only has one Ranma 1/2 character in it?
I'd say it counts, though it's probably advisable to only post the parts that actually involve that Ranma ½ character or the Ranmaverse in some way, if only by in-universe passing mention. That's how the Negima fanfic thread does it, anyway.

edited 27th Jun '12 9:31:22 AM by MarqFJA

Ash-shaʻb yurīd isqāṭ ḥukm al-ʻaskar
 5 Napoleon De Cheese, Wed, 27th Jun '12 10:12:18 AM from Valencia, Venezuela
Smug Bastard
1. Remember the Ranma characters are funnier when they are failing, not when succeeding. (Then again, don't overdo it the other way around, unless you're writing someone like Gosunkugi).

2. Keep reminding yourself Ranma is no saint and often has what's coming his way well deserved, mostly for being overconfident and talking way too much when he should keep his mouth closed.

3. Ranma has an insane learning curve, yes, but much like Negi, he doesn't Sue his way through it; he works damn hard to master abilities and skills. And it shows while he's doing it; his trainings and powerups tend to leave him half dead in the proccess. Make sure to show that.

4. The Golden Rule of Crossovers: Don't screw one side to make the other look good. If you can't pit two crossover characters without majorly stomping one of them, odds are you shouldn't be pitting them in the first place.

5. Ranma's canon charms go far, yes, but not all women fall for him; most of Akane's classmates are rather dismissive of him, the two other Tendo girls have no interest on him no matter what fanon tells you (unless you're going AU), the likes of Akari and Mariko go for other guys, and older women tend to be indifferent to him. His Memetic Sex God status has limits (although ironically, he seems to have more sex appeal with the opposite gender when he's a girl).

Haters gonna hate, apologists gonna make apologies up.
6. Remember that the Ranma ½ universe is built on sociopathic comedy. Don't make one or two characters escape that and follow Real Life reason, as that will only Sue them up and unbalance the story. An attempted deconstruction needs to make sure to apply the same rules to everyone.
The Internet misuses, abuses, and overuses everything.
 7 Hyp3r B14d 3, Thu, 28th Jun '12 8:15:22 PM Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
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7. Curb-Stomps can be fun from time to time, but abusing them makes for boring reads. Remember, Ranma doesn't usually completely overwhelm his opponents in his fights. He wins by taking advantage of his strengths, gambles, fighting dirty, stubbornness, and occasionally luck. And sometimes, some sort of equalizer is necessary to make the fight more dramatic.

edited 28th Jun '12 8:16:49 PM by Hyp3rB14d3

Wait, Did That Happen Before - In which Naruto's attempt to time-travel warps reality
 8 Moe Dantes, Thu, 28th Jun '12 10:00:36 PM from the Land of Classics
cuter, cuddlier Edmond
Or, to sum these guidelines up in a nutshell:

If you can't imagine it happening in the manga* then its probably not a good idea.

Also, make sure the techniques work like they do in canon. I once read a fanfic where Ranma could go into Cat-Fu at will, which isn't how it works, and that kind of thing annoys me.

So, anyone wanna recommend some Original Flavor works?
 9 Marq FJA, Fri, 29th Jun '12 3:40:14 AM from Saudi Arabia Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
O' Allah, save Egypt
[up][up] Addendum: Of course, having Ranma (or any other NWC member... Heck, even including the Urusei Yatsura crew!) repeatedly (and most importantly, comedically) curbstomp non-martial artist yakuza, bike-gangsters, and other criminals coming from outside of Nerima who think they can cow the locals into fearful submission and don't believe in the circulating "urban legends" of superpowered martial artists never gets old. Just try to be creative about it.

[up] "Couch Trips" and "Queen Rat", by Sarge4.

edited 29th Jun '12 3:41:10 AM by MarqFJA

Ash-shaʻb yurīd isqāṭ ḥukm al-ʻaskar
Okay, here's the snippet I've posted in that other thread, slightly improved and extended. Not finished, but if I don't post it now, I'll only have time much later. Your critique is welcome.

NOTHING WE CAN'T BEAT, Chapter 1

"Stupid duck-boy leave Shampoo alone!"

- slash - block - kick - dodge - throw - parry -

"This was in best intentions, I swear!"

- thrust - punch - duck - sweep - counter -

"All your fault, Saotome! Somehow, this is all your fault!"

- block again - spin - sommersault - grab - uppercut -

"We'll be together now!"

- sidestep - feint - kidneys! - pull - swing -

"Idiot! Pervert! You!... You!..."

- smash - tackle - cut - jump - ram -

"Stay still and face your death!"

The group of fighting people didn't turn into an angry tangle of limbs only because half of them kept using ranged attacks. Everyone was attacking everybody else, in an all-out six-sided brawl. The power of blows was enough to break asphalt and level whatever walls got in the way.

For the participants, it was just another argument that got slightly out of hand. Okay, maybe more then slightly.

They had no intention of stopping anytime soon when a sudden rain forced them to cool down. Ranma landed on his butt. Without standing up, he (she) turned his (her) back to Shampoo's clothes and the... Creature that moved under them. Akane, overextended from a punch that didn't connect, fell to the ground. She hurried to stand up, wiping her face.

"You knew it all along!" the girl accused her fiancee. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Oh yeah? How about all the times I called Ryoga P-chan?"

"Uh, guys?" asked Ukyo, who managed to land on her feet.

"I thought you were teasing him!"

"Because I was!"

"I think this is more important..."

"And you just allowed him to... To..."

"Ri-ight, remember what happened when I tried to get him out of your room? And who brought him there in the first place?"

"HEY!" the okonomiyaki chef snapped.

"What?" Ranma and Akane snapped back.

"Do any of you know this place?"


They were in a clearing, inside a dense forest. The area was surprisingly little damaged, considering how the group's fights usually went. It also didn't look at all familiar - the closest forest this dense was at least an hour away by train from their neighbourhood. The fight hadn't lasted fifteen minutes.

The sudden change of location puzzled everyone enough to cease hostilities. The rain that drenched them was an annoying dribble, of the kind that usually last most of the day. Taking a shelter under the trees wouldn't work - they were already soaked, and the water was dripping from the branches. The next best thing was to take their bearings, so Mousse was sent to fly, and Ranma climbed up a tree. After a few minutes, the redhead leapt down and announced:

"Wherever we are, it's nowhere near Nerima. I can't see a single familiar landmark from here. It's all just trees and some kind of mountains in that direction."

"Any good news?" Akane asked.

"Yeah, actually - the rain is going to stop soon. I saw the edge of the clouds from up there."

"That's wonderfull! We'll be able to start a fire and dry ourselves!" said Ukyo, bringing the clothes that their friends-turned-animals left behind.

"Yeah, and hopefully get some hot water, " Ranma agreed.

"Am I the only one who is freaked out, even a little?" Akane frowned.

"My dad turns into a panda, " young Saotome explained. "He eats a lot of bamboo, which is not a human food. Once, I tried to figure out why his stomach never hurts when he reverts back to human. I had a headache for a few days. This thing here? The same kind of stuff."

"Oh-kay, I see your point..." Akane agreed.


Several minutes later, Mousse led the group towards a little stream. After the rain stopped, Ranma and the girls managed to dry some wood and start a fire. Luckily, one of the items Mousse threw at them before turning into the duck was a metal pot. Ukyo took control of it from the start, which included deciding who gets reversed first. Ranma didn't even have to ask to be the first. However, he had to insist that Shampoo would go second.

"At last! Shampoo fur all wet and cold, very bad feeling."

"You can dressed now, you know, " grumbled Akane.

"No, is okay when Airen look!"

"Please, get dressed? Now?" Ranma wasn't too excited about the offer.

"Well, if Airen ask..." the Amazon pouted.

Next was Mousse's turn. As soon as he was decent, Akane handed him his weapons.

"Oh, thank you."

"You're welcome. Did you see anything from above?"

The duck-boy used one of his knives to make a crude sketch on the ground.

"We're here. There are woods all around, but they end just behind that hill. This is a road, and it leads to a village - here. We might reach it within a day, if it doesn't rain. Strange, but I haven't seen a single car, not even railroads or electric lines."

"That's really strange. Are we even in Japan?" Ukyo wondered aloud.

"I'm surprised he could see anything at all, really, " Ranma teased.

"For your knowledge, " Mousse straightened out and turned to glare at Ukyo, adjusting his glasses. "I'm only very far-sighted, not blind."

P-chan's squeals interrupted the quarrel before it could properly start. The piglet nudged Ranma's leg and pointed at the pot with hot water. Ranma looked at Akane questioningly.

"I don't really care, " she replied. "He's a pig either way."

Ryoga hung his head.

"Tough luck, eh?" Ranma asked him. "Do you have a tent in that backpack?"


Akane and Ranma watched the dying flames of the bonfire. Maybe it was this peaceful sight that turned the Tendo's anger into melancholy.

"I still don't understand, " the girl said, "If you knew that Ryoga was P-chan, why didn't you just tell me? Why only hints and sneaking?"

"Because I promised."

"So, your friend is more important to you then your fiancee?"

"A promise is a promise, " Ranma shrugged. "When I made it, I didn't know he's going to end up in your bed."

Akane sighed.

"So, all those times when you were mean to P-chan... And when you sneaked into my room..."

"Yeah, I wanted him to leave."

With nothing to say, they both watched the embers for a while. Finally, Akane stood up.

"I think I'll go to bed. This day went from bad to worse to horrible. I hope tomorrow would be better."

"Okay, good night. Hey, Akane, you know what's the best news for today?"

"Hm?"

"Kunos aren't here."

The girl blinked.

"You know, that did cheer me up. Thanks, Ranma."


The morning forest was cool and smelled of fresh leaves. However, Ryoga had no mind to enjoy it.

"Do you think Akane will hate me forever now?" he moped.

"Nah, I don't think she's the type to hate people, " Ranma replied. The two of them went ahead to scout the road. It was a well-travelled dirt road, slightly muddy from yesterday's rain. Not the best thing to do in the morning, but it left them plenty of time to talk. "Well, besides Kuno, but everybody hates him."

"So, does that mean I still have a chance to be with her?"

"About half the chances you had before."

"That's... This means I'll have to work twice as hard to win her heart!" Ryoga pumped his fist in determination.

"I think you got something wrong, P-chan, because half of zero is still zero. She's still my fiancee!"

"What's wrong with you, Ranma? Why do you have to crush my hopes like this? You have two other fiancees!"

"A promise is a promise, " Ranma shrugged, and abruptly changed the topic. "Hey, is that a guy running towards us?"


"And again, slo-ow, deep breath, " Ukyo told the scared boy. "Now, have you calmed down?"

The boy nodded, slightly less panicked and much less winded.

"Tell us again, what got you so scared."

"Bandits are attacking our village! They're super-strong! They said they'll destroy our crops if we don't give them money! I ran away to find some help."

The martial artists of Nerima looked at each other. Their next course of action was decided unanimously.


The table had been pulled violently through the wall of a nearby building and placed in the middle of the main square. The village's Elder was seated behind it, surrounded by the four bandits.

"You see, it says here that 'Whoever brings his head, will receive a reward'." The leader, dressed in loose robes and shaved bald save for a waistlong thin braid at the top of his head, placed a 'Wanted' poster in front of the Elder. "The head in question is mine, and well, here I am. I hope you will be honorable people, and pay me this amout in full. Not one ryo less, not one more."

"Isn't your head supposed to stay here for this reward? Like, separately?" The second bandit was a tall, muscular man in crude clothes, with a bandana in his hair. His comment was ignored.

"Maybe you won't have enough cash to pay it all, but that's no problem, " added the third bandit, a busty redhead with two swords at her side. "We will take your food and jewelry till we're even. If you still don't have enough, we can use a couple of your girls to settle the difference."

"Didn't you have enough of that last time?" asked the last of the band, a short-haired girl wearing overalls and fingerless gloves.

"N-nope, " the redhead giggled.

Before the mortified elder could mumble any kind of response, a loud voice caught everyone's attention.

"So, these are the bandits, huh?" Ranma asked, and added in a normal voice: "You'd better hide now, kid."

The boy that led them here did as he was told. The bandits took alerted stances as the Nerima team walked up. Only the Saotome made a show of stretching, as if warming up to an excersize; and the monk-like bandit stood calmly, his hands hidden in sleeves.

"How unhospitable, " he said, making sure his voice carries over to the martial artists. "Hiring mercenaries to get rid of your guests. I guess we'll have to hurt the village after all."

"Dibs on the big guy, " Ranma announced, finishing his warm-ups.

"No way! I am fighting the big guy!" Akane objected.

"And why should it be you?" her fiance asked sceptically.

"Because I can, that's why! You're not the only martial artist here."

"That's enough banter." The bandit leader made weird gestures while talking. "Earth Release, Mountain God! Lesser Calamity: Three Horned Beasts! Ox! Ram! Bo..."

"Duck!"

Ranma was airborne in an instant, his flying kick disrupting whatever spell the robed bandit tried to use. The monk hopped to the side. Before Ranma landed and attacked him again, the bandit completed a quick chant, punctuating each word with a gesture.

"Mountain Shrine Stepping Stones!"

This time, when the monk dodged, the earth under his feet sprung up to launch him even further. The Saotome almost crashed into Ryoga, who tried to charge the bandit from behind. The two martial artists recovered momentarily, but this gave the monk enough time for a new trick.

"Mountain Festival, Clapping Hands!"

With a few handsigns and a clap, two stone slabs rose from the ground and rushed at each other, Ranma and Ryoga between them. The former, being faster, jumped up in time to avoid the trap. His friend was not fast enough, stumbling over the Stepping Stones, and the slabs slammed closed around him.

"Your friend found his grave, you are next." The monk entwined his hands in a new gesture.

"We'll see about that, " replied Ranma, and jumped at the bandit.

"Shrine Offerings, Bamboo Shoots!"

Sharp stone needles popped from the ground to meet the attacking martial artist, longer than the monk was tall. Already mid-jump, Ranma had nowhere to dodge.


"My, aren't you a pretty one!" The redhead slowly drew her swords and walked towards Shampoo.

"Sword-woman fight, no look." The Chinese girl took a defensive stance, eyeing her opponent.

edited 30th Jun '12 4:24:05 AM by TheNobody

Anything you say can, and eventually will, be used against you.
So, let's see...

1. There are a few points left where the speech marker begins with a capital letter, like "Yeah, and hopefully get some hot water, " Agreed Ranma. or "You knew it all along!" The girl accused her fiancee.

2. I don't think Ranma refers to Kuno as Tatewaki. I only remember just Kuno.

3. They promised to destroy our crops if we don't give them money! I'd say threatened works better here.

4. Spell incantations is usually the part where you recognise which crossover it is, if any. I don't, though.

5. Near the end, longer then the monk was tall should use the word than. A very common pet peeve word for grammar nazis.
The Internet misuses, abuses, and overuses everything.
 12 Marq FJA, Fri, 29th Jun '12 6:33:53 PM from Saudi Arabia Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
O' Allah, save Egypt
Ranma calls Kuno "Kuno-senpai", with the usually honorific suffix carrying a more sarcastic and disrespectful connotation (I think it's the way he usually pronounces senpai in this case).
Ash-shaʻb yurīd isqāṭ ḥukm al-ʻaskar
Corrected.

@ which crossover: Google "Earth Release". They can also release Lightning, Fire, Water and Wind. Marq, Napoleon and Hyperblade should recognize it, though.

@ thEn vs thAn: To be frank, my own as well. Partially because I mix them up half of the time.
Anything you say can, and eventually will, be used against you.
So, Naruto? Well, that's not one series I actively avoid, though I don't know all that much about it. Most other series that are shonen action long-runners, not my cup of tea.

edited 30th Jun '12 8:50:39 AM by Feather7603

The Internet misuses, abuses, and overuses everything.
 15 Muphrid, Sat, 30th Jun '12 7:17:52 PM from Constellation Bootes
Relativistic physicist
For Nobody ([up]x5):

The opening scene: leaving out exactly who is talking at any given time may convey how chaotic this fight is, but it also might be confusing. In fact, the only people I know are talking are Shampoo at the start, Mousse third, and Akane second-to-last.

- sidestep - feint - kidneys! - pull - swing -

Kidneys? What does that mean?

The group of fighting people didn't turn into an angry tangle of limbs only because half of them kept using ranged attacks. Everyone was attacking everybody else, in an all-out six-sided brawl. The power of blows was enough to break asphalt and level whatever walls got in the way.

Something you can heed or dismiss at your prerogative: I try to avoid unspecific words. "fighting people" -> "martial artists" perhaps? What kinds of ranged attacks? You can also be more direct. "The power of [their] blows was enough to break asphalt" -> "Their blows broke (shattered?) asphalt and leveled whatever walls that got in the way".

For the participants, it was just another argument that got slightly out of hand. Okay, maybe more then slightly.

Ah, narrative understatement. This is great.

They were in a clearing, inside a dense forest. The area was surprisingly little damaged, considering how the group's fights usually went. It also didn't look at all familiar - the closest forest this dense was at least an hour away by train from their neighbourhood. The fight hadn't lasted fifteen minutes.

I would suggest "undamaged".

The sudden change of location puzzled everyone enough to cease hostilities. The rain that drenched them was an annoying dribble, of the kind that usually last most of the day. Taking a shelter under the trees wouldn't work - they were already soaked, and the water was dripping from the branches. The next best thing was to take their bearings, so Mousse was sent to fly, and Ranma climbed up a tree. After a few minutes, the redhead leapt down and announced:

"dribble" -> "drizzle"? "Taking a shelter" -> "Taking shelter"

"That's wonderfull! We'll be able to start a fire and dry ourselves!" said Ukyo, bringing the clothes that their friends-turned-animals left behind.

Wonderful.

"Yeah, and hopefully get some hot water, " Ranma agreed.

You seem to have left an extra space between the comma and closing quotation mark (and it's not the last time you do so).

"You can dressed now, you know, " grumbled Akane.

Get dressed.

If Mousse were actually far-sighted, it would make no sense for him to get as close as possible to objects to see them clearly, which I believe he does generally do. He does, however, have a set of small glasses even for seeing while as a duck.

Ranma makes a promise to a dog, thinking it's Ryoga. He has an out, or if he refuses to use that out (which is plausible, at least), it gives Ryoga a means to impugn Ranma's credibility. Not that Ryoga has a lot of leverage to do so at this moment.

More subtle point: this also makes Ranma come off a bit more noble than I think is in his character. Ranma is a generally good person in my mind, but I feel he keeps to his own set of morals and ideals. I'm not sure he would keep to a promise just because it involves his word. In fact, I think if it were convenient for him, he would deliberately break his word if it afforded him leverage. On the other hand, giving that reason doesn't mean it's the real reason he keeps to the engagement.

Suddenly, "someone" is running toward the group, and with only a scene break to bridge things, all of the sudden he's in the group and Ukyo is calming him down. We don't even see anything about this boy at the time to say, yes, he is actually running for the group.

The table had been pulled violently through the wall of a nearby building and placed in the middle of the main square. The village's Elder was seated behind it, surrounded by the four bandits.

The table? What table? We don't know anything about a table yet. Show me a bandit yanking this table through a wall. Consider "sat" over "was seated" to avoid passive voice.

"How unhospitable, " he said, making sure his voice carries over to the martial artists. "Hiring mercenaries to get rid of your guests. I guess we'll have to hurt the village after all."

Inhospitable.

It seems like the ending is sudden with nothing actually resolved.

Overall: the writing style is third-person omniscient and a bit scant on narration. This makes it read, well, like watching television. This can be a good thing—it's easy to get into, for instance. Things progress quickly, and the motives of the cast are easy to understand. On the other hand, it also means that there's a lack of emotional connection: the most personal thing going on is Akane finding out about Ryoga, and we don't even know why or how this happened. It's just flimsy justification for there to be a fight and for that fight to distract the cast from how they end up so far from home. It also makes it unclear who stands to learn something or grow from what this story will bring.

Nevertheless, the ease with which events flowed tells me you have a clear idea of how to put together a story on the plot level (or at least, it seems that way). What I would be concerned with, given the handling of the P-chan issue and the lack of connection I spoke of earlier, is what you feel will happen on the character level—that is, if you feel such an element is important.

edited 30th Jun '12 7:18:26 PM by Muphrid

Author of Auld Lang Syne (SAO) and The Coin (Haruhi).
 16 Marq FJA, Sat, 30th Jun '12 8:36:12 PM from Saudi Arabia Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
O' Allah, save Egypt
Kidneys? What does that mean?
As he's describing a character's thought process, I believe that's short for "A-ha! His kidneys are vulnerable! ATTACK!"
Ash-shaʻb yurīd isqāṭ ḥukm al-ʻaskar
 17 Muphrid, Sat, 30th Jun '12 9:13:42 PM from Constellation Bootes
Relativistic physicist
Yeah, I see that as a valid interpretation, but I can't be sure it doesn't mean "ow, someone got my kidneys" vs. "I'm going for his kidneys".
Author of Auld Lang Syne (SAO) and The Coin (Haruhi).
 18 Hyp3r B14d 3, Sat, 30th Jun '12 11:01:48 PM Relationship Status: I don't mind being locked in this eternal maze!
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the most personal thing going on is Akane finding out about Ryoga, and we don't even know why or how this happened.

It rained while everyone was distracted fighting. That said, it does seem odd that Akane doesn't react toward Ryoga at all and instead jumps right toward accusing Ranma of hiding it from her. To put it bluntly, Akane thinks rather slowly. She would react to Ryoga being P-Chan and only later put it together that Ranma already knew. And even then, it probably wouldn't happen until the next time Ranma called Ryoga "P-Chan".

Of course, if Akane's initial reaction was to resort to violence (and it likely would be), she would end up chasing Ryoga. And Ranma would chase her. And Shampoo and Ukyo would chase Ranma, and Mousse would chase Shampoo. Resulting in everyone following a panicked Ryoga. Resulting in the perfect excuse for everyone to get lost at the same time.

edited 30th Jun '12 11:06:07 PM by Hyp3rB14d3

Wait, Did That Happen Before - In which Naruto's attempt to time-travel warps reality
 19 Muphrid, Sun, 1st Jul '12 6:01:57 AM from Constellation Bootes
Relativistic physicist
If they're not fighting because of the P-chan thing, then why are they all fighting?
Author of Auld Lang Syne (SAO) and The Coin (Haruhi).
 20 Napoleon De Cheese, Sun, 1st Jul '12 6:38:58 AM from Valencia, Venezuela
Smug Bastard
Do Ranma characters need any excuse to fight? That's how they say hello. Literally, in Ranma and Ryoga's case. [lol]
Haters gonna hate, apologists gonna make apologies up.
 21 Muphrid, Sun, 1st Jul '12 7:00:54 AM from Constellation Bootes
Relativistic physicist
Perhaps not, but such a multi-sided brawl is actually pretty rare. Remember, Ukyo and Shampoo do not even appear in the same panel until several volumes after Ukyo's introduction.
Author of Auld Lang Syne (SAO) and The Coin (Haruhi).
@ Murphid: Thanks for the review! In order:

The opening scene: leaving out exactly who is talking at any given time may convey how chaotic this fight is, but it also might be confusing. In fact, the only people I know are talking are Shampoo at the start, Mousse third, and Akane second-to-last.

I tried to make it as confusing as possible.

- sidestep - feint - kidneys! - pull - swing -

Kidneys? What does that mean?

As he's describing a character's thought process, I believe that's short for "A-ha! His kidneys are vulnerable! ATTACK!"

Yeah, I see that as a valid interpretation, but I can't be sure it doesn't mean "ow, someone got my kidneys" vs. "I'm going for his kidneys".

Apparently, I've reached my goal.

Something you can heed or dismiss at your prerogative: I try to avoid unspecific words. "fighting people" -> "martial artists" perhaps? What kinds of ranged attacks? You can also be more direct. "The power of [their] blows was enough to break asphalt" -> "Their blows broke (shattered?) asphalt and leveled whatever walls that got in the way".

"Martial artists" - I like that suggestion.

I would suggest "undamaged".

Hmm... Okay, that works too.

"dribble" -> "drizzle"? "Taking a shelter" -> "Taking shelter"

Wonderful.

Get dressed.

Inhospitable.

Aha, thanks.

You seem to have left an extra space between the comma and closing quotation mark (and it's not the last time you do so).

I blame some sort of autoformatting feature. In my .txt there are no such spaces.

If Mousse were actually far-sighted, it would make no sense for him to get as close as possible to objects to see them clearly, which I believe he does generally do. He does, however, have a set of small glasses even for seeing while as a duck.

I plan to address this later in-story. If it's still no good after that - well, correcting a couple of sentences is easy in a digital text.

Ranma makes a promise to a dog, thinking it's Ryoga. He has an out, or if he refuses to use that out (which is plausible, at least), it gives Ryoga a means to impugn Ranma's credibility. Not that Ryoga has a lot of leverage to do so at this moment.

More subtle point: this also makes Ranma come off a bit more noble than I think is in his character. Ranma is a generally good person in my mind, but I feel he keeps to his own set of morals and ideals. I'm not sure he would keep to a promise just because it involves his word. In fact, I think if it were convenient for him, he would deliberately break his word if it afforded him leverage. On the other hand, giving that reason doesn't mean it's the real reason he keeps to the engagement.

I kinda forgot that it was to a dog... But then, I did remember what happened after the Martial Arts Skating tournament. Also, I was slightly worried that Ranma's planned attitude later would make him too much of a jerk.

Suddenly, "someone" is running toward the group, and with only a scene break to bridge things, all of the sudden he's in the group and Ukyo is calming him down. We don't even see anything about this boy at the time to say, yes, he is actually running for the group.

Not sure how to address this. The boy isn't supposed to appear in any later chapters, so maybe it could slip?

The table? What table? We don't know anything about a table yet. Show me a bandit yanking this table through a wall. Consider "sat" over "was seated" to avoid passive voice.

Passive was intentional, to hint that he wasn't there willingly. But it's not important enough to prefer it over a smooth narrative. What would be better - making that "A table" and "sat" or "One of the buildings next to the main square had a broken wall. A table and the village's Elder, apparently taken from that building, had been placed in the very center of the square. Four bandits surrounded them."

It seems like the ending is sudden with nothing actually resolved.

Yeah, it's not the end of the chapter yet. As I mentioned, I had to post it as fast as possible.

Overall: the writing style is third-person omniscient and a bit scant on narration. This makes it read, well, like watching television. This can be a good thing—it's easy to get into, for instance. Things progress quickly, and the motives of the cast are easy to understand. On the other hand, it also means that there's a lack of emotional connection: the most personal thing going on is Akane finding out about Ryoga, and we don't even know why or how this happened. It's just flimsy justification for there to be a fight and for that fight to distract the cast from how they end up so far from home. It also makes it unclear who stands to learn something or grow from what this story will bring.

Nevertheless, the ease with which events flowed tells me you have a clear idea of how to put together a story on the plot level (or at least, it seems that way). What I would be concerned with, given the handling of the P-chan issue and the lack of connection I spoke of earlier, is what you feel will happen on the character level—that is, if you feel such an element is important.

Thanks again. Character personalities, their interactions and developement, are an important thing to me.

Of course, if Akane's initial reaction was to resort to violence (and it likely would be), she would end up chasing Ryoga. And Ranma would chase her. And Shampoo and Ukyo would chase Ranma, and Mousse would chase Shampoo. Resulting in everyone following a panicked Ryoga. Resulting in the perfect excuse for everyone to get lost at the same time.

If they're not fighting because of the P-chan thing, then why are they all fighting?

Yeah, it went somewhere like that. I have only a rough idea what exactly could've happened to expose Ryoga, but the aftermath of that would definitely be a fight.

edited 1st Jul '12 10:18:42 PM by TheNobody

Anything you say can, and eventually will, be used against you.
 23 Marq FJA, Sun, 1st Jul '12 4:28:56 PM from Saudi Arabia Relationship Status: Shipping fictional characters
O' Allah, save Egypt
[up] Your last quoteblock's markup is messed up.
Ash-shaʻb yurīd isqāṭ ḥukm al-ʻaskar
Oi, thanks. Corrected.
Anything you say can, and eventually will, be used against you.
 25 Muphrid, Mon, 2nd Jul '12 4:25:09 PM from Constellation Bootes
Relativistic physicist
Not sure how to address this. The boy isn't supposed to appear in any later chapters, so maybe it could slip?

My concern is that you skip over the moment where the boy actually approaches the group and just gloss over it with a scene break. Given that he's not important, I see why you did that, but I find it jarring, considering it would've taken all of one sentence to say a boy ran through stuff in some way and stopped at some speed and at some position relative to the group.

Passive was intentional, to hint that he wasn't there willingly. But it's not important enough to prefer it over a smooth narrative. What would be better - making that "A table" and "sat" or "One of the buildings next to the main square had a broken wall. A table and the village's Elder, apparently taken from that building, had been placed in the very center of the square. Four bandits surrounded them."

You can do that, but is there a reason you're trying so hard to avoid showing, in real time, the bandits dragging the table through the wall and forcing the Elder to sit at it in the square? I feel like an active description of things happening instead of how things are would be more appropriate here.

Failing that, however, I think you could be much more subtle about what's going on. "One of the buildings had a broken wall" is really flat. "One of the buildings had a six-foot rectangular hole in its western wall, with bricks scattered at the base and pulverized into dust." Obviously you don't want to get too carried away with descriptive detail, but there's a careful balance to be struck. You don't even need to tell people that the table had been dragged through the wall. Say there are scattered, broken chairs by the hole and that it's pretty odd for a table to be in the middle of the square and people can fill in the blanks.

In short, you can say, "The man robbed the bank, " or you can say, "The man showed the teller a gun hidden beneath a brown envelope and asked for five stacks of non-sequential hundred-dollar bills." Each has its place, but the former requires significantly more skill to come off well-written instead of...flat, as paradoxical as it may sound.
Author of Auld Lang Syne (SAO) and The Coin (Haruhi).
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