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Total posts: [7]
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Improving This Blurb:

 1 burnpsy, Wed, 4th Apr '12 9:39:29 PM from Ontario, Canada Relationship Status: Abstaining
The Eternal Fool
Before I start, for those of you who don't know what a blurb is:

A blurb is a short summary accompanying a creative work

I'm rapidly approaching the point where I'll need to describe the story of Turtles all the Way to people who are potential customers, so I need to come up with a quick summary that piques people's interest without spoiling them silly.

I made several attempts are writing a blurb for it, and ended up with this:

"The girl who appears to lead you astray... will be yours truly!"

Even when you’re an explosive, winged turtle on wheels who wields a guitar, weird things can happen to you. Magnet Zakame and company inadvertently take down several subgroups of a terrorist organization known as DOGS, and are called in by the government one day to help take them down once and for all. Magnet was pumped to annihilate DOGS for what they’d done to his father, but then the unthinkable happens. Magnet and company are attacked with sleeping gas and end up trapped on individual islands with girls that match their ideals almost too well. Will he succumb to the power of this lovely distraction? Will Magnet’s implosions be enough to avenge his father? Find out in Turtles all the Way: A Shell Game.

Then I posted about it on my blog and asked for people's opinions and put up a poll.

As of right now, two days after the poll went up, "SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!" has two votes, "Are you high?" has one vote, and the option just saying it's OK but should be improved has two votes. The blog post has also been liked by 3 other WordPress users. The mixed reaction on the poll is rather worrying.

So I'm asking for help. How do you think I should go about improving it?

Of course, it's unreasonable to ask that without giving you people a spoilery description, so here's a link to one I gave before.

edited 4th Apr '12 9:39:43 PM by burnpsy

 2 Voltech 44, Thu, 5th Apr '12 9:46:37 AM from Alongside a Virtual Weasel
All Guns Sparking
It sounds good, but I think I can understand why people might ask if you're high. that bit at the start about the "explosive, winged turtle" is...well, a lot to take in all at once, and I'd argue that it's hard to focus on anything else — my mind just keeps going back to that turtle. Maybe you can rearrange the order a little bit so the plot comes first and the weird elements come later?

For what it's worth, I (as a peddler of weirdness) approve, and I hope you manage to get something going. Although I do have one minor quibble: why does a turtle with wings need wheels? surprised
Super Blog Link (Arcade Edition ver. 2013)
 3 burnpsy, Thu, 5th Apr '12 9:52:46 AM from Ontario, Canada Relationship Status: Abstaining
The Eternal Fool
The wings are sorta like airplane wings, so he needs to pick up some speed first.

And I can see what you mean with thoughts going back to the turtle. That said, I can't think of a way to describe the progtagonist that flows well without tossing it all at people in one go, nor a way to explain it after the plot elements. :/

Perhaps a complete rewrite that focuses on the character and only implies the plot?

edited 5th Apr '12 9:55:51 AM by burnpsy

 4 Voltech 44, Thu, 5th Apr '12 11:52:59 AM from Alongside a Virtual Weasel
All Guns Sparking
Ah, that explains it. I...think.

Anyway, back on topic. You know, now that I think about it I had trouble coming up with a blurb (of sorts) for a story of mine. One of the things that helped me stumble through was focusing on a certain event — something that's critical to the story, and giving a bit of a lead-up into it through the blurb.

In my case, it's stated in no unclear terms that The Hero Dies, with some hinting at plot threads that lead up to his death. I don't know if that'll work for you; if your stuff is decisively weird, you should play to that strength. Just make sure there's something normal for people to latch onto quickly, and THEN get weird.

That's my take on it, at least. Hope that helps you out a bit.
Super Blog Link (Arcade Edition ver. 2013)
 5 burnpsy, Thu, 5th Apr '12 6:25:04 PM from Ontario, Canada Relationship Status: Abstaining
The Eternal Fool
EDIT: Nevermind, new attempt apparently sounded too emo.

EDIT 2: I'm getting mixed results from trying new attempts. Perhaps I should just embrace the weirdness and make it the entire blurb...

edited 5th Apr '12 9:10:53 PM by burnpsy

 6 Travis Bickle, Fri, 6th Apr '12 5:33:41 PM from the grit and grime
Just like in the movies.
Before I start, for those of you who don't know what a blurb is
If someone doesn't know what a blub is, do you really want them helping you to design one?

Anyway I just wrote this up without knowing anything at all about your story, so whatever, fill in what you want (btw your main problem imo is that seems like you're describing it in person to someone, not in writing)

Everyone has bad days...

And bomb-dropping turtles aren't any exception. During a routine night on the town, Magnet Zakame, a normal Turtle with dreams of rockstardom, inadvertently leads to the disbanding of a ruthless terrorist organization. The media mistakenly treats him as a great hero, and Magnet is all too happy to accept the fame. When the government calls him with a secret mission to take down the infamous group as terrorists know as the "DOGS", the same group that killed his father years ago, Magnet and his friends jump at the chance to accept - But it doesn't take long for them to find out that they may be involved in something bigger than they ever realized ...

edited 6th Apr '12 5:34:01 PM by TravisBickle

Je Suis "Aware"
 7 burnpsy, Fri, 6th Apr '12 11:53:53 PM from Ontario, Canada Relationship Status: Abstaining
The Eternal Fool
If someone doesn't know what a blub is, do you really want them helping you to design one?

Well, for all I know, people have written them without knowing that's what they're called. It's entirely possible.

And yeah, it's obvious that you don't have full details, I was merely looking for a pointer in the right direction. And that looks quite good, so here's an attempt at rewriting it to match a bit better:

Everyone has bad days...

And flying turtles aren't any exception. While on his daily routine, Magnet Zakame, a "normal" turtle with dreams of stardom, gets thrown into a chain of events which eventually leads to the disbanding of a ruthless organization that aimed to take over the plot. The media mistakenly treats him as a great hero, completely ignoring how it wasn't his intention. When the government then tasks him with taking down the infamous group of terrorists known as the "DOGS", the same group that killed his father a few months ago, Magnet and his friends jump at the chance to accept. But it doesn't take long for them to find out that they may be involved in something far bigger than they had ever imagined...

Did I ruin it? If not, this should work, thanks. smile

edited 7th Apr '12 12:43:08 PM by burnpsy

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Total posts: 7
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