Should I edit this post with my thoughts on each chapter so far? It would be so that it is all compiled here and not on KHSAD I mean, or would that be unnecessary?
EDIT: WALL OF TEXT GO!
-SA chapter 1 - 3
-SA chapter 4 ici
Well, I do have to praise you for keeping such good flow in this chapter. I could easily follow both timelines, and neither one of them was more interesting than the other, even so I suppose it's because of the similarity of both scenarios. This similarity did have leave a small issue at the end, the points that cut of each timeline were radically different in mood, although both have closure within. This is not unexpected considering the setting they happen in, but the fact that they were similar to begin with, as I said, does cause the ending to clash and shatter the sense of 2 stories told simultaneously for a reason.
I should add that this is a VERY strong nitpick on my part, because it could be that next chapter rekindles the sense of importance they both had. The "problem" in specific is: while Kagami and Homura's story cut off with an incredibly interesting question and no answer, the Oriko/Kasumi/Madoka (because of the stories they are from) did not and, indeed, had a conclusion in comparison. I can see this making sense because of WHO the story is really about of course.
Please note that I probably am saying completely stupid and senseless things, you should be wary when reading.
SA chapter 5 ici
This chapter of Stars Above
is very well developed on the side of Mitakihara, it all makes sense in context. On the other hand, Ryouou, I felt the very first part (Kagami and Homura after the battle) was rushing for some reason, as if it were something that needed to be finalized in some sort of hurry. The nurse's office scene did feel correct, both Tsukasa and Konata as far as I know them (read: nothing canon) were proper and felt natural. I cannot say anything regarding the nurse unfortunately, except there was a strange feeling of excessive leniency; I am unsure if this is her character or just your interpretation of her.
The very last part - which I have to say feels like a staple of yours, and one I personally enjoy - was something that within reason and context (despite the ambiguous nature of Demons in comparison to Witches within the Puella Magi universe - not counting Oriko since I haven't read it) feels new and maybe invasive. My opinion is that you may have introduced more than was strictly necessary regarding this group, that may be slightly distracting, as much as villain development would matter in the story. I have a question, it may sound random but, did you think of the Narrators when writing that?
-Addendum from later comment(I want to keep this, for later analysis maybe)
The Witches, albeit of similar sources, are individuals through and through (familiars don't really make an exception). Demons however, are supposedly embodiments of emotion or a source of energy given semi-individual form, as such they are all connected in a sense - born of the same thing. Plus, should they grow by feeding and so gain more cognitive abilities, evolution is no alien phenomenon and therefore could take place.
-SA chapter 6 ici
I am scared
, and you are so going to get flamed for going after Miyuki this fast. Also, the "doppelganger in the mirror" thing I haven't seen in quite a long while.
I feel that you wrote Kagami's feelings as love too early; she didn't sound as confused about what they where, but she was about the fact that it "felt" like love. As you also wrote, she hadn't had that much experience before, so it feels like the "love" wasn't as ambiguous as the situation would suggest - maybe it's just a personal nitpick or preference, but eh, I might as well say it.
The scene were Homura jumps through the multiverse's seams was very realistic I'd say. There is a small chance that people would see it as exaggerated though, and I could see why, but it is somewhat of justified by a "my powers weren't mean to do that" logic, which in turn can be analog to pushing a hastily modded engine past its limit (don't take this literally, I may just be spouting bullshit in my ignorance).
Another thing, you should totally write an original post-apoc story sometime.
-Addendum after a reply from you here
(Kagami’s feelings)I see... and I understand, it's more of the fact that the only possibility or explanation for the unknown feelings (given then and there, even with Konata having spoken about it not that long before) was downright love and there wasn't much "what could this be?, this? or this? or that? or LOVE!?" which MAY (notice this is VERY subjective) have been more realistic, so to speak.
(Homura’s jump through multiverse)Overclocking does sound pretty accurate now that you say it, because of the overheating and excess energy used or released, in that it does not necessarily mean permanent damage but it does indeed put a strain on the system, device, etcetera. Since the energy has nowhere specific to go the pain and heaviness felt by Homura seem adequate; I could see people reading it and feeling you exaggerated, though.
-SA chapter 7
Can’t say much about the very first part since I barely know about anything outside of Innocent Malice canon, but then again I’d have to read it all again if I wanted to remember everything. What I can say is that the deception used was unnervingly natural, both considering your style and the PM tendencies –especially Kazumi Magica.
The nurse’s office scene was interesting to me. Kagami seemed to be more heavily burdened here than shocked and with questions running through her head nonstop; I think it was an interesting contrast to what had happened up until then – can’t comment much on the other 2 girls’, or Misao since she IS awake, “bonding” moment.
I have to admit that I like the way you portray Madoka through Homura, it’s always so natural how Homu speaks to her like her god… and her friend.
There was something strange about the Tsukasa & (not)Miyuki part. While I do understand the intentions and purpose in it from the Demon’s perspective, Tsukasa’s reactions and trains of thought felt rushed in places, like they seemed to go somewhere and then suddenly change. It is particularly on her first overreaction and the very last couple of sentences on her part that it feels this way. This may be just how I see it, but it could be more of me not understanding Tsukasa’s personality and character enough; it could just be me over thinking it, or –incoming completely crazy statement on my part- maybe it’s Tsukasa who’s over thinking. (I have considered that some of her reactions might be affected by the Demon’s influence outside of natural means – magic that is)
One last thing: Oriko’s very last line really drives the point -in the story itself- that Homura is just as important as the Hiiragis, was it intentional? Or were you just giving an indirect nod and parallel to the other Oriko’s decision to send Homura through the space between dimensions and into the story’s main timeline?
-SA chapter 8
Did you exaggerate Strike Witches through Konata on purpose? Or was that a small mistake? (the nopan part)
Now HERE I can see the Demon’s effect on Tsukasa better than at the end of last chapter. To make one of my weird and complicated analogies
: last chapter I barely saw her drink a glass, now I see her drunk.
Dawn of the First Day
: 216 hours remain – and no, I couldn’t resist making that reference (as inaccurate as it may be)
When Kagami asks Homura about her feeling lonely, her answer wavers because she misses Madoka or, due to Kaname’s current nature, because she isn’t so and yet is?
Morning Rescue… I C WUT U DID THAR
I have to be honest and say I don’t really know what effect you were going for with the inverse relation of “time left till the end” vs “Homura opening up”. It is relatively predictable as you wrote it, but somehow it does not feel like it had a particularly interesting purpose aside from giving the reader the impression that while Kagami and Homura were bonding, their end was edging closer each passing day. It actually might have had a bigger impact if it was not advertised this way. On that note, the transition between that and Tsukasa’s impending arrival, alongside the chasing Demons, might have been just a bit too abrupt, but I can understand it from Kagami’s perspective, as her sister would indeed take over her thoughts with such news.
Mayor props on the Tsukasa death scene, oh, and the battle too.
That very last moment, before Homura destroys the last relatively solid string of hope in Kagami’s mind, when she starts thinking about how most MG shows work, I actually found morbidly funny; the Puella Magi series is not
like every other MG show.
edited 23rd Jan '12 10:44:05 AM by Rareitor