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I'm a Jaded Idiot who thinks romance is for kids. Care to help?:

That One Guy
I'll make this short and sweet. I've managed to semi-change myself from a shy nice guy to a jaded and cynical d-bag (okay, maybe not a d-bag as I'm still very polite to people around me...in general) . I've also managed to build up a good amount of confidence, so now I've got as many girl friends as I do guy friends.

The problem is I'm terribly appalled by any form of commitment or intimate relationship. Sex still interests me, but love doesn't really appeal to me. Reasons. First "girlfriend" wasn't really a girlfriend, she was actually cheating WITH me on her boyfriend, second "girlfriend", she dated me for my money, and when I figured out she only really wanted my wallet, I dropped her like a bad habit.

SO yeah. Any suggestions on how I begin to break down the wall of jade I've built around myself? I've casually asked out an old classmate of mine, she has her own crap to deal with, so she couldn't go out with me, then I rediscovered another old classmate, and I got her number. So, I guess so far so good, or am I doing something wrong.

I know, I know, I"m a noob with relationships.

-The Jaded Idiot.
"His eyes were the color of FEAR..." "Wait, what is that, YELLOW?"
 2 Flyboy, Mon, 2nd Jan '12 9:15:24 AM from the United States
Decemberist
You've already acknowledged your jaded idiot status. Now it's only a matter of treating things realistically. If you think a viewpoint is comically absurd, why do you still hold it?
"Shit, our candidate is a psychopath. Better replace him with Newt Gingrich."
 3 Mrs Ratched, Mon, 2nd Jan '12 9:23:19 AM from the magic land of Spain
I'm judging all of you
What about a therapist?
I'm just a Holy fool, oh baby he's so cruel. But I'm still in love with Judas, baby.
That One Guy
I almost did drop the whole jaded thing when I started seeing my second girlfriend. Then promptly retreated behind my jade wall after I figured out she only wanted my money.

Also, I don't know about a therapist. Not just yet. I'm willing to believe right now that the third time might be the charm, and hopefully this whole jaded idiot phase is just part of me transitioning into my early twenties. HOPEFULLY.
"His eyes were the color of FEAR..." "Wait, what is that, YELLOW?"
Fear of commitment is different from a desire to keep one's options open; the problem is, the former often masquerades as the latter, and people will try to tell you that the latter automatically implies the former. Whenever there's a fear of commitment, there's usually deeper, underlying issues behind it; there's nothing wrong with simply preferring to remain unattached, but I'm getting the feeling that this doesn't really apply to you. What you should do is think about why you've got these issues, and deal with them as soon as you can, or else, you will end up making mistakes you'll come to regret later in life (trust me, I was the poster boy for commitment-phobia).

To be honest, I don't think I can in good conscience tell you not to watch out who you give your heart to. All you can do is think positive, and keep moving to the future, but don't get too attached, too quickly, because you're likely to end up disappointed. I always encourage passionate relationships, but I'd advise you to separate passion from trust, otherwise, you're going to see a lot of heartbreak. Besides, being jaded only makes you an idiot if there's no good reason for it.

edited 2nd Jan '12 10:49:26 AM by tropetown

Moar and Moar and Moar
Best advice I can give, is stop looking for someone who you think would be romantically ideal and look for someone who you are compatible with.

This seems like odd advice, but a lot of guys (and women) seem to keep on looking for a partner that would look/feel like a romantic relationship, while ignoring people who would make an actual good partner.

Look for someone who shares your interests and ideals. That's the best way to go. Ground your relationship in friendship. People who instead or more into just being "swept off their feet" are just as likely to be swept away by the next guy/girl they meet.

edited 2nd Jan '12 11:02:02 AM by Karmakin

Democracy is the process in which we determine the government that we deserve
 7 Kino, Mon, 2nd Jan '12 1:13:49 PM from NC/NYC Relationship Status: 700 wives and 300 concubines
Connoisseur of redheads
Use your head, spend time with her, consummate.
ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
 8 lord Gacek, Mon, 2nd Jan '12 3:39:51 PM from Kansas of Europe
KVLFON
Isn't there a thread for it for Yack Fest?
"Atheism is the religion whose followers are easiest to troll"
 9 feotakahari, Mon, 2nd Jan '12 4:55:08 PM from Looking out at the city
Fuzzy Orange Doomsayer
Stupid question, perhaps, but why do you want romance in the first place? You may be one of the many people who does just fine without it.
That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something Awful
 10 Polarstern, Thu, 5th Jan '12 5:30:15 AM from United States
easy. get a girl. make her your best friend. then date her.

If you're not dating your best friend you're doing it wrong.

 11 The Westerner, Fri, 6th Jan '12 2:42:01 AM from The Land of Fools
Malicious
[up] But I like dating people I hate.sad
I was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.
Princess Ymir's knightess
@Polarstern

You make it sound so easy... [lol]

 13 Polarstern, Fri, 6th Jan '12 6:36:32 AM from United States
It is. People just aren't patient enough. They think with lust more so than like.

Looks will fade. Passion will ebb and flow. But a strong friendship built on respect and sincere affection is the only thing that will sustain a relationship.

Romeo and Juliet sounds so dreamy until you realize they were dumb kids who killed themselves based on hormones. People haven't really changed that much. Look at the vapid stupidity of Twilight. *shudders*

If you like someone enough, and are attracted to them enough, wouldn't you want to be friends first?

Princess Ymir's knightess
Getting yourself a best friend isn't that easy, you know... tongue

 15 The Westerner, Fri, 6th Jan '12 7:24:58 AM from The Land of Fools
Malicious
[up] You should be agreeing with her.tongue

My best friend is a gay male and I am straight male. How do I fix this ?evil grin

edited 6th Jan '12 7:25:47 AM by TheWesterner

I was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.
Princess Ymir's knightess
[up] Become gay? What kind of question is that? It doesn't matter, silly! Just because he's gay doesn't mean he automatically wants to jump on every guy he witnesses. tongue

 17 Polarstern, Fri, 6th Jan '12 8:32:16 AM from United States
Making best friends takes time. That's why I'm saying most people are impatient. If you want to just frolic around, fine. But if you want something that takes a lifetime, then you need to be willing to make that investment.

I knew my girlfriend for two years before I considered her romantically. We dated for about eight months before we actually agreed to be in a committed relationship. We knew each other very well by then and were the best of friends.

My good friend started dating her boyfriend three years after knowing him. The last year they were just friends but very close, so it was a natural transition to become in a relationship.

Most happy and successful relationships, married or otherwise, around me came from them evolving from friendship into a romance. Not forcing friendship into a passionate attraction after the fact.

 18 Gabrael, Fri, 6th Jan '12 8:42:22 AM from bouncy house of squishy Relationship Status: Gay for Big Boss
A Polar Bear Named Gabrael
You also have to look in the right environments. If you want someone who is more religious, look at a congregation. If you want someone more family oriented, look at a youth camp. If you want someone into the same interests of you then see if there is a community group or something of the sort.

I'm so sick of my girlfriends crying on my shoulder how they thought this guy was so wonderful and he ended up just wanting sex or whatever. When I ask where they met them, "At a bar, at a frat party, etc."

While there are decent people that frequent bars, I understand most are there just for a hook up, not long term. Why not go to a Jazz night or something more specific? Go to places that are frequented by people with qualities you're looking for. It just seems pointless to put yourself in less parallel environments and expect prince/princess charming to magically appear.

You also have to exude the characteristics you want from your mate in yourself. I had bad problems with self confidence. Apparently, I showed this so poorly, that the decent guys for the most part didn't want to deal with it (and I don't blame them), but it also left me with this red target over my head sleazy liars could sniff out and take advantage of me for.

I got my confidence together, started speaking up in class more, and working out again. Through working on myself and getting my issues in order, I have moved my outward perception off the ground and am attracting a better quality of attention. True there are always those jerks, but it's all about improving your odds.

My boyfriend is my best friend. He knew me before and after I tried to tackle myself, but he was honest in saying had I not made more progress in my personal goals, we would have never made it past the friend zone. Now we encourage each other and keep it going.
"War does not determine who is right - only who is left." Bertrand Russell
The problem is I'm terribly appalled by any form of commitment or intimate relationship. Sex still interests me, but love doesn't really appeal to me... Any suggestions on how I begin to break down the wall of jade I've built around myself?

You claim this is a problem, but I don't see why. What makes you want to break down this wall & seek long-term intimacy?

Hell, I'm not even sure you could call yourself jaded just for not wanting romantic involvement and shying away from commitment; that's just what you want, nothing wrong there. But I'm assuming that you're jaded from your past experiences that were less than decent, and want to get back up on that old horse again.

It seems redundant to mention that not all girls act like not, but it doesn't seem redundant to repeat what's already been said; it's good advice. Passion and all that is good, but hold off on the trust a bit. Stay optimistic too. It sounds trite, but staying positive when things like that have happened to you can help you move on past all the bullshit.

That One Guy
[up][up] Well, I honestly don't want to be that one guy that thinks love is a comedic farce while everyone's melodramatically in love with the notion of love.

...and now that I look at this thread, it's ironic in that I'm writing a short romance story. tongue
"His eyes were the color of FEAR..." "Wait, what is that, YELLOW?"
[up] Well... if you just want to be able to believe in the possibility of love, talk to some golden-anniversary-plus couples. You can even keep your wall! smile Trust me on this; you are not by any stretch of the imagination the only skeptic around. >raises hand< tongue

 23 Bokhura Burnes, Sun, 8th Jan '12 9:42:56 AM from Inside the Bug Pit
Radical Moderate
I can't help but notice the irony in that you started out your post by saying

I've managed to semi-change myself from a shy nice guy to a jaded and cynical d-bag

and then go on to complain that the girls who are interested in you all tend to be jaded, cynical d-bags.

If you want to get over your negative view of relationships, thinking about this might be a good place to start.

edited 8th Jan '12 9:43:18 AM by BokhuraBurnes

You're a wallflower. You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.
Das kann doch nicht sein!
If you think that this is bad, then you are most likely not as jaded as you think to begin with.
People aren't as awful as the internet makes them out to be.
The system doesn't know you right now, so no post button for you.
You need to Get Known to get one of those.
Total posts: 24
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