-He eyes the gun-

....!

-Jackpot!-

-And then notices the icky spider-

....

-RETCH-

{Oh god....why'd there have to be BUGS?}

-Breathe IN.....OUT...-

{Alright...man up, Genius. Out of sight, out of mind, right?}

-He sloooowly reaches out, keeping his eyes on the floor to avoid seeing the grody spider corpse-

...C'mon....Come to Papa...

-He can almost feel it....almost there....got it!-

-GRAB-

-...-

....

-that don't feel like a six-shooter-

-He looks up, and sees the spider corpse in his grip-

........

EEEEAUGH-

-He VIOLENTLY HURLS the dead spider in the air, in The Dark One's direction...!-

edited 26th Nov '16 6:39:18 AM by MacDuffy

The Villa Evil

OKAY, FOLLOW ME, CHUCKLEFUCKS.

(Ween leads them past a scene of lurid and explicit RPGing using a system known as "FATAL", into a relatively quiet room, where the armored chucklefuck is now standing before a tall man, whose back is turned to the party.)

...that's dr. evil, you lazy faggots go introduce yourselves to him. I'M gonna snort me some more cocaine.

(Digs a white packet of coke out of his... bosom and snorts it off the buttcheek of a succubus statue.)

(IMMENSE DISCOMFORT and envy too, staring longingly at the cocaine )

("Psy" is palpably fearful and is sort of gravitating to Peter's side.)

Impoundment Lot

(GODJESUS heroically lunges at Smalls, skewering him through with its massive cross. Planetman's Saturn Ring manages to sever an arm, but the fucker keeps kicking and struggling.)

(Gunth awkwardly drags Dr. Fucko by his long legs to the back seat and starts trying to tourniquet him, turning to Chris.)

...You have anything that needs patching up.

...Planetman, something is approaching from the east. Look.

(Points to the sky.)

(Hovering towards GodJesus and the gang is... A massive, monolithic cube, its sides quickly sprouting... gloved hands. Gloved hands holding SURGICAL IMPLEMENTS.)

HEELOW! Thise is Rune Fer Thee Cyubeeeeee! Toda-aiy we have a GodaiJeezoos Rowboat Toyeee! Let's slike iet opeen so he can— BREEEE~AAAAAATH!

(A massive scalpel descends for the cockpit, trying to slice the window clean off.)

Church

   I WANT PIZZ—   

   (Savannah successfully WALLOPS two of the demon children. The one with the brown hair narrowly evades her and hisses, baring razor sharp teeth and spraying a can of whipped cream right at her face.)   

(Zack manages to slice the pizzas with his sword, though it's beginning to have the telltale sheen... of PEPPERONI GREASE. And Mobbu's barrier catches what projectiles Zack misses.)

   AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAH! Ain't this a pizza party fer yaw—   

(SPIDER IMPACT)

   ...BWAAAAAAAAUUUUUUURRRRGH! LAND'S SAKES, A SPAHDER! ＧＥＤＤＩＴ ＡＷＦ－－！   

   (Paula flails in terror, the spider right on her nose.)   

AWAY WITH THEE, FELL DEMON!

(Grigori takes this opportunity to fire upon Paula with his shotgun, managing to blast some tendrils off and weaken the omnipresent taint of cholesterol.)

edited 27th Nov '16 9:19:12 PM by MobileLeprechaun

-hhhh i keep forgetting to post-

No. I'm just bruised.

-Groans grumpily as he tosses and turns from the Actiony Robo Fight-

-Goes to thwack Smalls and the cross at the scalpel, knocking it away-

WHAT LANGUAGE IS THAT!??

"-has nice white thick cream sprayed all over her little cute face uguu- Bwuah fuck

-All this noise and panic getting flung around is getting quite stressful for Mob...-

-Mob switches gears again and decides to just stop holding back for his own sanity-

-Releases his barrier and just blasts◊ Paula with an extra hard concentration of psychic energy-

-approaches, timidly-

U-uhmmmm... Dr. Evil? W-we're here for... for the RPG!

(turns towards Dr. Evil, walking up beside Orion)

We are, yes.

-Peter stays back, wagering that the situation could go bad and that his new buggy friend might need to be shielded-

GODJESUS VS THE CUBE

Heh, that help—

(Is jostled by GodJesus' movements and flops awkwardly into Chris' lap.)

(KHHHHH—SHK! GodJesus successfully parries The Cube's scalpel, Demon Smalls' torso splitting open from the impact and sprouting more tendrils.)

...Hmmmm? Wha-hat's thiess? GodaiJeezoos Rowboat Toyee is strooooo~aaang!

''(A massive, gloved digit thrusts for the cockpit, fondling it and rubbing harshly against the mech's hull.)

Smeel my finegeeeeeeer! Smell myyyyyyy— finegeeeeeeeeeer~!

Church

   (The small demon hisses and tackles Savannah, trying to bludgeon her with the whipped cream can.)   

   NRRRGHH—!   

   (Paula finally swats the spider off and smiles triumphantly... only to see—)   

   ...oh mai gawd—   

   (BBBBBWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHH—! Paula is knocked into the wall with tremendous force and splatted against it, now flat as a pancake and heavily dazed.)   

   nrghhhh... peenit... brittle...?   

The Villa Evil

   (The man turns his head. He wears an odd half-mask◊ and studies the party quietly.)   

   ...I see. Have you ever RPGed before, or are you... novices in this ritual?   

(Is sweating a little.)

(Deer in headlights look.)

Uh, yeah, no. You, uh, teach me to RPG?

-blanches, but regains composure-

I—I'm... I'm an expert! -brightens-

...What the Jesus fuck is going on.

-Screams in Walloon-

-Goes to jostle Smalls from the cross and send him flying at Rape Cube-

-Peter steps forward, beside Orion-

Yeah! Same here.

...I'm fairly experienced, too.

(glances over at David, the one overt noob of the bunch)

I'm not very hungry anymore...

-Holds his arm out some more and just lets loose◊-

Impoundment Lot

(spots the freakish cube) (@Gabriella) What the hell is that?!

(@Demon Smalls) Smell this! (catches the Saturn ring and shatters it with his mouth.) Ring Stone! (sends the sharp debris at Demon Smalls.)

Savannah Is Getting Fucking Owned Here

"Ow- ow- fuck- shit- get- fuck-"

The Villa Evil

   ...Then. What if I, Dr. Evil, were to be your Dungeon Master?   

I WANNA BE THE WARLAAAAHK.

(GOOD JESUS where'd this armor-wearing gremlin man come from)

Church

   BWUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH—!   

(Paula is blown even harder into the wall, just fuckin' blasted so hard and engulfed in the light.)

(The light fades, and then... A little chibi-proportioned Paula flops off the wall and onto the ground.)

aaooooooowwww mah everythang... Weyull cover me in molasses an' cawl me th' heayud of the NAACP, Ah guess y'awl done got me...

   (BONK BONK BONK BONK)   

   NYEH! NYEH! NYEH! TAKE THAT! TAKE THIS! NYEH!   

Impoundment Lot

Heh! Nonsense, I think it is called.

(WHUMP! Demon Smalls smacks into The Cube and is then riddled with swiss cheese holes by Planetman's attack. Some of them penetrate The Cube, and it flinches heavily.)

YEE-OUCH! Ohhh... GodaiJeezoos hays FRII~ENDS!

(It swooshes its scalpel at Planetman, growing at least twenty other great arms with twenty other scalpels.)

.....

-Reigen silently watches as Mob reduces The Dark Lady Paula into an Itty Bitty Paula-

....As expected, excellent effort, Mob.

-He POINTS DOWN at Chibi Paula, menacingly-

Now dust this gringo.

edited 24th Dec '16 8:23:28 PM by MacDuffy

-Peter flinches-

Wh—?

-Then looks to Dr Evil, straightening up-

Uh, right, sure. So uh, what's the setting? High fantasy, low? Cyberpunk? Is it Homebrewed?

-roll d20 to escape-

-14

"Holy- fuck- fuck off!"

KICK THE MUNCHKIN

LIKE HARD

LIKE REALLY FUCKING HARD

Impoundment Lot

(Planetman avoids the attack by splitting into tiny planets) Syzygy Form! (Planetman attempts to impale Demon Smalls through the gut by lancing through him.)

-Stares at Mob for a moment- ...Well, if you've got this, I'm gonna finish eating.

You got it.

-He just sounds plain done with Paula now and spares no mercy just blasting her outta here-