Webnovel: Land Games:

Total posts: [19]
1 Bluespade21st Nov 2011 04:26:24 PM from Fort Worth, Texas , Relationship Status: I only want you gone
I started a Webnovel about 4 months back, mostly for the purpose of trying to get constructive criticism on my writing while I work on getting an agent for my finished novel. If anyone would like to read and give me some kind of feedback I'd be very appreciative.

The story is called Land Games. It is a science-fiction story focusing on 9 teenagers waging a mock-war on a newly discovered planet, in order to decide how its land will be split up amongst their families. Each kid is in charge of an army of continuously resupplied machines, and they have to coordinate all of the units with only the aid of their robotic Companions. So its basically a massive real-life Real-Time Strategy Game, with some major political events hinging on the outcome. At the same time, there is a race of sentient aliens on the planet, doing their best to adapt to their shattered existence.

Land Games has a Tv Tropes page and you can read it here or here.
Rainbows hurt.
Seems interesting. I'll give it a read when I get some time.
(屮≖益≖)屮 彡 ┻━┻ F*ck yo' table; Go read my book! —> http://goo.gl/mtXkm
3 Bluespade23rd Nov 2011 04:54:52 PM from Fort Worth, Texas , Relationship Status: I only want you gone
If the finished novel is also your webnovel, you might want to take it down and only post excerpts. For feedback, send it to people via some private means of communication, like email.
5 Bluespade23rd Nov 2011 09:24:27 PM from Fort Worth, Texas , Relationship Status: I only want you gone
Its not. I started writing this thing specifically to post online from the beginning. Its purpose is two-fold: to get me to write a lot, quickly, and to get some feedback. And also to start to acquire a presence online I suppose.
6 Eventua27th Nov 2011 02:12:13 PM from Dumundi , Relationship Status: I won't say I'm in love
Lord of the Citadel
I quite like it, and look forward to the next update or so

The Signature Of Me
7 Bluespade28th Nov 2011 01:07:05 PM from Fort Worth, Texas , Relationship Status: I only want you gone
Thanks! I'll be updating within the hour as a matter of fact. Does that mean you're caught up? Cause that would mean you are one of only two people who have actually read up to the latest chapters.
8 Eventua29th Nov 2011 12:24:49 AM from Dumundi , Relationship Status: I won't say I'm in love
Lord of the Citadel
I've so far read up to Act 3, Chapter 1, and later today I will read the next chapter! :D
The Signature Of Me
9 Bluespade30th Nov 2011 10:26:50 AM from Fort Worth, Texas , Relationship Status: I only want you gone
Well I'm thrilled to get another reader. Do you have any criticisms for me?
10 Eventua30th Nov 2011 02:33:16 PM from Dumundi , Relationship Status: I won't say I'm in love
Lord of the Citadel
I read the latest chapter today, and it's really good, I look forward to the next chapter.

As for criticisms I'm afraid I'm not very good at them, however...

  • There are occasional typos and grammatical errors and such: this is expected to a degree, obviously, and they weren't too distracting but I did still notice them
  • I like the characters a lot, and how you don't go into various terms and creatures and such without explaining what they actually are
  • However, I noticed that some things did lack description, which left me wondering what they're supposed to look like: for example, Dreadnoughts. I know it's silly, but because I connect that term with huge naval warships, in my head I imagine Brand's 'Dreadnoughts' as massive naval warships on tank treads. Dragoons are another example: I imagine them as somewhere between a dragon and a hoverbike/motorcycle, but throughout I find myself wondering if that description 'matches up' with the author's intent. I think that may just be me, though.

ALSO on a sort of not really related note, I am imagining a real time strategy video game adaption. Which I guess is fitting since it's a deconstruction of 'if real time strategy games were real'. I dunno.

ANYHOW, that is what I thought and stuff! :D
The Signature Of Me
11 Bluespade30th Nov 2011 05:00:44 PM from Fort Worth, Texas , Relationship Status: I only want you gone
Yeah, I am unfortunately a very fast yet very inaccurate typist. I DO go back and edit each chapter before posting (both for typos and for improved phrasing), but plenty still slip by. I need to go through them all again I guess.

I actually really wish I had spent more prep time working out the units and how they work, game balance, that sort of thing, but hey, spontaneity was one of my goals for this story, so I suppose that's one of the sacrifices. I didn't really describe the Dreadnoughts because I figured their name would give the impression of a big, powerful, slow-moving machine on its own. I do think I described the Dragoons, but it was way back in Chapter 1 so I don't blame you for forgetting.

I've always tried to walk a fine line between detailed description and leaving it vague enough for the reader to fill in the blanks on their own. I'm a very visual designer, so I could definitely write a description of each character/object down to every little aspect, but that slows down the story to an unacceptable degree.

I currently have the next chapter about half-way done. It focuses on Jayle.

edited 30th Nov '11 5:03:52 PM by Bluespade

12 Bluespade9th Dec 2011 11:52:57 PM from Fort Worth, Texas , Relationship Status: I only want you gone
13 USAF7139th Dec 2011 11:55:55 PM from the United States
I changed accounts.
...last post before bedtime, so if this is incoherent in any way (or dyslexic), that's why.


Does this have an Ender's Game-style twist? Because if it does it's obvious from a mile off.

And I haven't even read that book.

Otherwise, seems interesting, except for the glaring "why are they letting their kids do this if it's so important...?" question. I guess I'll have to start reading tomorrow when it isn't two in the morning...
I am now known as Flyboy.
14 Bluespade10th Dec 2011 09:58:52 AM from Fort Worth, Texas , Relationship Status: I only want you gone
I wouldn't know, as I haven't read Ender's Game. I'd like to know what twist appears to be so obvious, however, I'm pretty sure its not something that's gonna happen. There's a lot of plot changes coming in the future, but I wouldn't really classify them as 'twists'.

As for why they are letting their kids do this, they don't have a choice. The emperor makes the rules. There is a reason for it that I don't want to spell out right away, as it is not supposed to be obvious. One thing to realize though, is that none of these kids are really considered 'kids' all that much. Their the children of nobles in an old fashioned feudal style society (albeit with much greater technology), and they are expected to contribute to their Houses despite their age. And the Land Games (and the years of training for them) are meant to instil diligence, loyalty, and mental acuity needed to enter the dangerous world of political intrigue each House is embroiled in.

Thanks for the feedback.
15 Eventua10th Dec 2011 01:19:34 PM from Dumundi , Relationship Status: I won't say I'm in love
Lord of the Citadel
Out of curiosity, are all humans part of the Noble houses? I mean, is there also some sort of 'lower class' that lives in relative poverty as servents for the Nobility, or, are there seperate human governments? Powerful alien races?
The Signature Of Me
16 Bluespade10th Dec 2011 01:57:23 PM from Fort Worth, Texas , Relationship Status: I only want you gone
No, not all humans. There is a lower class, but just about all of them work for a Noble House in some form or fashion. The nobility controls all industry and government, so there's pretty much no one else to (legally) work for. For the sake of personal advancement, most people try and stick with one House and rise through the ranks. One thing that is somewhat unusual about the setting (and I haven't found much of a place to exposit on yet in story) is that the human population is much lower than you'd expect considering this is set in the future.

There is a whole mish mash of reasons for this, but it mostly boils down to social norms resulting in very few children born, and rampant genetic abnormalities that often result in death or abortion. In addition, there are so many planets under the empires control that it is not at all uncommon for an entire planet to hold only a few thousand people on it. Most labor is handled by machines, so humans are pretty much all management. Even the lower class have a very high (by modern standards) standard of living.

As for aliens, there are a whole bunch of them. But in this setting humans are the big powerful interplanetary force, and so the vast majority of them have been conquered and now live as second class citizens in the Empire. Human technology so far outmatches most other races that they usually don't even send an actual military force to conquer new planets, they just expect the players of the Land Games (who do not have access to actual military grade weapons) to deal with themselves.

edited 10th Dec '11 1:57:41 PM by Bluespade

17 Eventua10th Dec 2011 02:54:36 PM from Dumundi , Relationship Status: I won't say I'm in love
Lord of the Citadel
Aye, so when it says 'Land Games, it can't be stressed enough how, to humanity, that's all it is. A game.

I dread to think how powerful their actual military is, but I'm assuming that if what amounts to a single fancy escape pod can obliterate an army of Land Games units single handedly, then the Noble Houses don't really muck about.

Out of curiosity, is humanity immortal thanks to their technology now? Or merely longer lived?
The Signature Of Me
18 USAF71310th Dec 2011 05:48:10 PM from the United States
I changed accounts.
In Ender's Game they are playing simulations the whole story and winning, and then at the end the main character finds out he was actually commanding real forces and just genocided an alien race to win his simulation, as well as multiple horrifically costly tactics on his part that got fucktons of his own guys killed. But he did win the war...

Also, hm, that's good. Remember that they would be treated like adults, though. They would basically be little different from an adult today, behavior-wise.
I am now known as Flyboy.
19 Bluespade10th Dec 2011 08:07:29 PM from Fort Worth, Texas , Relationship Status: I only want you gone
@Eventua: Very long lived, but not immortal.

@USAF 713: The battle they are fighting is real, and it was never meant to be implied otherwise. The players already have conquered the planet, completely obliterating the native's way of life and causing massive destruction, just as a side effect of their battles with each other. Because of the way they've been raised by society, they don't really think much of it. Although one of the players has basically given up on winning territory and has devoted herself to protecting the natives that live in her area.
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Total posts: 19