Sorry, I itched to fix this. I think you think that first paragraph is poetic or something but mostly it makes no sense. I'm assuming The Citadel is a ship of some kind, because you can't be on board a citadel. If it's a castle than you really have problems with English.
Time passed aboard The Citadel
after the arrival of the Fourth Lord. How much
time exactly would always remain a mystery, for in The Citadel
time itself blurred together into a thin, featureless existence. Everything was cold and dull and white.
For Gaudium, this was intolerable. Deep inside he knew that his time on The Citadel
had to be temporary—the very thought that he would have to spend his whole life there would surely have driven him mad otherwise. As it was, he was only slightly insane.
He stood on the raised platform of yellow, red and purple in the tiny theatre that he called his ‘room’. In the corner was his bed, a mattress resting on a simple, seven foot long rectangle of white metal, and covered by a quilt displaying the same stylized hourglass that decorated the rest of the ship. Around the platform were simple, backless stools made from the same cold white metal as everything else. In his hands was a long, sleek electric guitar, painted in whites and bright yellows. The head was out of proportion and shaped like a sunburst with its rays descending down the neck, parallel to the strings.
Smirking, he adjusted his sunglasses and headphones before giving a thumbs-up to one of the nearby EG Os
. They were perfectly round creatures about a foot tall with a four extremely stubby limbs, and covered in short, soft yellow fur. On their backs were a pair of disproportionately large bird-like wings and their faces were covered by eerie blank white masks.
The EGO contentedly hopped up and down, using its wing it flicked a single tiny switch on the side of one of the massive speakers standing on either side of Gaudium.
And then he started to play.
As for scenes with music, I suggest describing the feelings about the music, and images it invokes rather than going too in depth into lyrics or beats. It gets the reader into it more. When he gets interrupted, just abruptly have musing about the music cut off by whatever interrupts him.
edited 23rd Oct '11 4:04:50 PM by NoirGrimoir
SPATULA, Supporters of Page Altering To Urgently Lead to Amelioration (supports not going through TRS for tweaks and minor improvements.)