My character, is it good, or does it suck?:

Total posts: [9]
1 eternalNoob15th Oct 2011 05:36:24 AM from yer mum , Relationship Status: Longing for my OTP
Dan -appearance Dark skin, black hair, business suit(with the buttons removed, the collar ripped off, and parts of sleeves ripped), patched up pants, socks Blank eyes

notes Smart,weak,fast,breakable

Weapons revolver, kitchen knife

A person wanted for murders of important officials, Dan has a huge bounty for his head. In truth, not a lot of people know if he actually DID commit the murders, but that does not matter, for they are to busy drooling at the bounty. Despite all this, Dan manages to smile and walk away like nothing happened. Not a blank smile, a sleazy,mischievous, yet somewhat bored smile. Dan does not kill for fun, and always thinks before he acts. Too bad NO ONE seems to give him a chance to think, so he shoots anyways.

In truth that bounty does not matter to him. It does not matter whether he dies or not, he just needs to stay alive for now because he has a goal. He's out to get someone, and nobody knows why. But it seems to be a child(who might not be what he seems). Only 3 major roadblocks affect him. Said prize, his friend An, who wants to know why, and a masked creature thing with 2 rusty swords.

He is technically a zombie. When a test subject of a secret unauthorized program died, he was struck by lightning right after. But he was not the same person, he became a totally different being in the same body.It has perks,but now he is ultra sensitive to pain. A normal cut would feel more painful to Dan than to a normal person. A bruise would feel like an open wound. A punch would feel like a tank ran over him. You get the idea.

And despite all this, he does not whine, he never puts on a blank face(despite his blank eyes), and when life throws him a problem, he ignores it, and walks away.

But if that fails, the answer is gun.

edited 16th Oct '11 4:52:27 AM by eternalNoob

If you wanna PM me, send it to my mrsunshinesprinkles account; this one is blorked.
Eh... might want to try this thread instead if you need feedback on backstory or something.

But on the subject of your character, realize that whether if a character is 'good' or 'sucks' will depend on how you handle him in actual writing. A simple list-format profile will not do a character justice like how samples of writing will.
"Whenever I feel like I know how computers work, I go to class and leave feeling like I'm wearing my pants on my head, eating paste."
So he is Black fragilespeedster Zombie hitman?

There is nothing wrong with this, it sounds great in theory. As the guy above me[up] said though, it is all about how you write him. Even the most simple plots can be epic and feel alive when well written.

Only the DeadpanSnarker aspect seems somewhat out of place to me personally, but I could be wrong. I would have to see you write a scene with him in it to find out.

Did you have a specific kind of tone in mind for the story you were going to have Dan in?

edited 15th Oct '11 6:31:43 AM by jasonwill2

as of the 2nd of Nov. has 6 weeks for a broken collar bone to heal and types 1 handed and slowly
4 Ronka8715th Oct 2011 07:58:07 AM from the mouth of madness.
Maid of Win
Being ultra sensitive to pain, while an interesting side effect to power, seems like a huge set back for this character. If he's got a bounty on his head, he's going to get in fights and he's going to get hurt. There is no way I will read this story and buy the "every small cut feels like a huge wound and it doesn't affect him" thing. To be honest, it seems like something you applied to the character to make him seem more badass without negatively affecting any of his actions or personality, which is kinda lame and worse, boring. If you want to keep the power, make it affect his psyche and seriously impact his fighting— although honestly, it would be easier to just cut it.

How is he a zombie? Can he not be killed, or is he back from the dead? If he can't be killed, I spot a dramatic plot hole: There's little tension in a guy fighting off murderous bounty hunters if he can't die.

I'm not getting really great vibes from this character. The plot sounds intriguing (Man fights off bounty hunters and trying to find and kill a child), but the character is "meh." Also, Deadpan Snarkers are kinda cliche.

edited 15th Oct '11 7:59:45 AM by Ronka87

Thanks for the all fish!
I had assumed he was exaggerating about the cuts and wounds part.

and zombies can be killed, you just have to cut them up or destroy the spinal cord. one would assume it would be the same for this character.

and maybe he's going for rule of cool not all stories are about tension you know.
as of the 2nd of Nov. has 6 weeks for a broken collar bone to heal and types 1 handed and slowly
I agree with Ronka on most points, and would like to add this seems very melodramatic. Pain oversensitivity seems like it should be a major disorder, yet you have a character not reacting at all.
7 Ronka8715th Oct 2011 05:55:41 PM from the mouth of madness.
Maid of Win
^^ Most stories do, in fact, need tension. Conflict and tension are the keystones of interesting fiction, and Rule of Cool seldom overcomes them. Unless the OP is writing a slice of life story about a zombie with a bounty on his head, he's going to need tension in his story.
Thanks for the all fish!
8 Night15th Oct 2011 07:00:13 PM from Jaburo , Relationship Status: Drift compatible
The future of warfare in UC.
Such things would be so ubiquitous in effect that they'd provide tension even in a slice of life. Unless this is a really bad story, because if they even get mentioned people will wonder about them or want to read that story instead of what you're writing.

On the actual subject of the character presented, this looks like a chop job where you just stuck a bunch of traits together and called it a character. Few of these appear to follow from each other or even relate to each other. (I'm not convinced any of them do, but I will allow for the possibility you've put a great deal more thought into this than I have.) Many of them are outright dismissed from the standpoint of having an impact, which might as well read "I thought these were cool so I added them, but I didn't really want to work with or explore them" and that is an instant red flag.
Nous restons ici.
9 eternalNoob15th Oct 2011 10:24:37 PM from yer mum , Relationship Status: Longing for my OTP
Thanks for everything. At least you guys did not flame me or called me noob. Thanks for the actual advice. Also, i typed some of the details wrong. I'll edit it when im not bored.

edited 15th Oct '11 10:31:01 PM by eternalNoob

If you wanna PM me, send it to my mrsunshinesprinkles account; this one is blorked.
The system doesn't know you right now, so no post button for you.
You need to Get Known to get one of those.

Total posts: 9