Is this too Beige?

1) ‘You have been chosen,’ a voice spoke through the light. A deep, harsh voice, not what a human could possibly possess. Daniel found himself floating in the infinite whiteness around him. He looked around, unable to remember how he got there. There were a lot of questions that came to his mind, but for some reason he could only ask, ‘Chosen for what?’

‘You will know soon enough,’ the voice replied.

Not the kind of answer Daniel was looking for. He decided to ask something else, ‘Who are you?’

As Daniel waited for an answer, his eyes scanned the light, trying to find the source of the sound. Suddenly, the light grew more intense, blinding him. Somehow, he started to suffocate.

He woke up with a start, gasping hard. Breathing nervously, he sat up and surveyed his surroundings. As he calmed down, he realized he was at his training spot. Had it all been just a dream? Suddenly feeling fatigued, he lay back down, trying not to doze off this time. He needed to get more sleep if he was going to keep up his training routine.

He stretched his limbs as much as he could, taking in the feeling of his muscles loosening. Picking up the wooden broadsword he had lying beside him, he hastily placed it into a big metal box at the edge of the clearing. He then got out of his dirty clothes, stuffed them in the box as well and changed into the clean ones he had worn from home. Burying the box in a shallow hole in the ground, he then grabbed his books and made his way to Sir Blaine’s house.

2) Gaius fell onto his bed with a sigh of ecstasy. That was all he wanted right now. He’d been walking for two hours straight just to get to this town. It was a shame that he couldn’t just teleport here directly. Then again, if he could, he wouldn’t be on this mission.

After a moment of rest, Gaius arose. He walked to the other side of the room and opened the door. Stepping outside onto the balcony, he took in a good view of the town. He wondered if any of his peers would ever even be coming here. It looked like a dull little town, hardly a place for their type of work.

Gaius sighed and went back inside. He had a lot of work to do. ‘Better get started,’ he thought as he left the room.

3) ‘You’re not paying attention anymore, are you?’ asked Sir Blaine. Daniel smiled. No matter how dedicated he tried to look, Sir Blaine could always tell, though how he did it was a mystery to him. It was quite a feat at his age, and with his failing health.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Daniel, ‘I’m just feeling a bit drowsy.’

‘This wouldn’t have something to do with your daily…practice now, would it?’

Sir Blaine was the only person who knew about Daniel’s training routine. But he’d kept the secret from the latter’s father, not wanting to put Daniel in unnecessary trouble.

Daniel bowed his head in response to Sir Blaine’s question, to which the latter sighed. ‘You know the only reason I kept quiet about it is because you assured me it wouldn’t get in the way.’

Daniel nodded. He remembered perfectly well what their arrangement had been and he respected Sir Blaine enough to honour it, at least at first. But lately, he’d been having trouble sticking to it.

‘All the people I’ve taught have managed to become leading scholars in the world,’ continued Sir Blaine, ‘I don’t want you to ruin the good name I’ve built up, you understand?’ Suddenly, he began to cough incessantly. He moved over to a corner of the room, and poured himself out some of his medicine. Having gulped it down, he sighed with relief.

‘Let’s just focus on finishing this chapter for the time being. You can go home after that.’ Daniel’s face lit up. Sir Blaine always knew the right things to say. ‘Yes, Sir,’ he said, ‘Thank you.’

Well, Is it too beige? Or does it enter into Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue? Are my transitions okay, or does the pace seem hurried?

Please don't ask me to post this in one of the review threads. This one hasn't been finished yet and I'd like feedback on this before I've written the whole thing down. Thank You.

edited 30th Aug '11 9:54:54 PM by Elfhunter

Maybe just a little. To me, Beige Prose is something that I read very quickly due to how 'to the point' it is, giving the illusion that things are happening really fast. I wouldn't mind if you dressed it up just a tad to make it feel like Gaius' point of view.

Do the characters have facial expressions? Maybe just a tad more would be nice.

I wasn't really sure what the numbers were, but then I realized that they're scene markers. Even if they aren't, I do think you need to string the scenes together a little better. Y'know, give them a little more context. When did Gaius leave for this town, when did he end up at Blaine's house, etc. I have no idea how, and it feels confusing.

I'm only going to comment on 1), since this turned out much longer than I thought. If you'd like me to crit the other two bits, let me know and I'll do what I can.

1 is pretty beige— it's far too sparse a scene for what's going on. There's too much reliance on cheats— "he thought this, he had this reaction"— and several instances of telling instead of showing.

This is a cheat: "Not the kind of answer Daniel was looking for." Consider showing him being disappointed in this answer, rather than telling it. "He gritted his teeth/narrowed his eyes/titled his head/stared in confusion/shook his head/did something to show his reaction."

Another instance: "Somehow, he started to suffocate." 'Somehow' here is unnecessary and actually draws the tension out of the action. The big issue, though is "he started to suffocate." It's both telling and a pretty boring way to describe something as exciting as suffocating. What happens when Daniel suffocates? What are the physical reactions? Do his lungs burn? Do his eyes water? Does he tug at his throat, only to find there's nothing there? Does he try to choke out some final words, but can't even manage that? Have him do something or react to something, don't just say it happened!

There's also some superfluous lines, like "He decided to ask something else." Just have Daniel speak, without the preamble. There's no necessary information conveyed— it's just empty words.

It gets really beige in the final paragraph. He goes through a whole series of actions, from shaking himself out of his dream to walking to his friend's house in three lines. That's kinda hasty. If it's important, take your time. If it's not important, just cut to his friend's house.

Basically, you have two full scenes (the dream scene and the reaction), and both those scenes together take only six paragraphs to describe. That's way too short. Short scenes are fine for conveying something brief, but that's clearly not the case here. Build the scenes up.

And, this may be a personal thing, but both the White Void Room and the Catapult Nightmare are a little cliche. Can you think of something else?

To sum up: Scene 1 is way too short. Beef 'er up, mate!

You're not in total disembodied dialogue territory, but you're right on the border. And yes, the transitions need work. I initially thought they were unconnected scenes pulled at random from your story.

edited 31st Aug '11 8:23:27 AM by Ronka87

Well, these are POV changes we are talking about, so I do need scene cuts.

For the first part, I am going to cover the walk back in the next chapter (assuming i make it there). So when he started for the town will be simple math. As for the second, I'm kinda trying to make due without minor transportation details, seeing as the most sources say to avoid it.

It'd be nice of you if you could. I'd like to hear more.

Guess I'll have to take my time, 'cause that scene does become important later (it conveys that he has a wooden sword {which explains it's presence later in the story}, that he keeps it buried in the forest {implying he doesn't want his father finding out about this}, that he has training clothes {which kinda sorta maybe explains why no one has found out yet} and that he is going to Sir Blaine's house {where he eventually ends up}).

Umm...well, I really can't think of many ways dead creatures can communicate with the living, without creeping out the guy who needs communicating to. And they are both basically the first step that takes place whenever an enchanted weapon chooses it's owner (and there are going to be a few selections throughout the story). If it's any consolation though, the weapon is draining him of his energy, thereby being the reason he's feeling tired when the story begins. But I'll see what I can do about being innovative (I do have a few ideas, but they'll involve ripping the scene apart).

When I said transitions, I was talking about within the same scene, that is, the transition of thoughts and actions withing and between paragraphs. I make liberal use of scene cuts 'cause, as I mentioned in my comment to Crystal Glacia, the sources I've read basically state not to focus on minor transportation details (which are between scene 1 and scene 3) and scene 2 is basically a change in POV, which would require a scene cut (until later, when the two characters have actually interacted, making the transition a tiny bit more fluid. However, I'd like to put that scene to check whether that is the case. Would you be willing to read if I did?). And they don't actually look like this in the end product, but rather like this:

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2884362/1/bGaea_b

although honestly, I don't think that makes much of a difference. Does anyone have any ideas on how to make better scene cuts?

Overall, thank you both of you for responding (^_^) and I hope you answer my post.

Ronda covered most of it. I don't think it's generally too beige if Daniel is a terse person, although I could use some proper descriptions of characters and settings; if anything, it's the ideas that are too plain. Being told you're the Chosen One in a dream? I'll pass.

You do have some awkward syntax, like "A deep, harsh voice, not what a human could possibly possess." Perhaps a simple "A deep, harsh, inhuman voice?"

Also, I don't think anyone should ever fall onto a bed with a sigh of ecstasy if they're not having sex.

He's not really The Chosen One. There's no The Chosen One. He's just a guy chosen to wield a very special weapon. I don't know know if that makes it any better, but since the significance of the incident is lowered, I'm hoping the cliched way will be enough. Besides, I'm thinking about making it so that it only starts off like this, maybe becoming more creative as it goes along.

I thought the latter was more beige than the former.

I do have a friend here who does do that, without the sex...as far as I know...

but yeah, you're right, it does sound weird. What would you call it when a person falls on bed, and sighs, after having walked a long time?

edited 31st Aug '11 12:08:16 PM by Elfhunter

If you're just going to defend everything, why ask?

I think he's questioning your choice of "ecstasy" over "relief." The former tends to imply a pure, unbridled, passionate joy; the latter, a sense that he's finally caught a break.

It's all in the connotations, friend. The difference between choosing the right word and the almost right word is a lot like the difference between standing under an umbrella and merely standing beside one.

I'm half-tempted to do a line-by-line analysis of this thing and post it here. Give me a day or so to make up my mind just how busy I am with schooling.

edited 31st Aug '11 2:34:41 PM by Specialist290

I'm not saying I don't agree with what you're saying. It's just the kind of person I am. I don't just take the criticism, I need it hammered down till there are no points in it I can defend, until I am satisfied that change is needed. I know it's a bad habit and I in no way meant to offend you or belittle your efforts. I am sorry if I did.

Sure thing. I'd be happy to hear more. And I mean this of everyone.