Uncle Drunkie's Writer/Critic Dating Service:

Total posts: [171]
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Greetings! Welcome to...well, you read the title, you know where you are. How does this work, you ask?


Writers looking for critics, post a synopsis of your work here. At the bottom you will find a handy-dandy list of suggestions to use for this. Keep the actual synopsis short (two mid-size paragraphs max. Someone will be along to help you...if you hook their interest, that is. Also, be sure to include a blurb about you, the writer; personal info is neither required nor recommended. Instead, speak on your goals as a writer and how serious you are about this. By "serious" I mean, are you just a fan fic hobbyist looking for some pointers, or are you seriously considering a career as an author?

Critics; your job is even easier. All you have to do is read through the synopses until you find one that interests you. If and when you have, PM the author and tell them "I want to be your critic!" Further details (how to exchange works, what the writer wants, what the critic wants, etc. etc. etc.) I leave to individual pairings to figure out.

The point here is to help join authors and the editors who might love them in the bonds of unholy geekery, for the betterment of all our nascent works...and to cut down on the plethora of "hey, critique my work!" micro-threads Writer's Block was inundated with. Furthermore, posting large chunks of a potentially publishable work in the public domain can be unwise.

Da Roolz: Writers

  • 1: Don't spam the thread. So far this has not been a problem as the Dating Service moves rather slowly. Let us continue this. Make your post and be patient; someone will be along to help you - and if nobody comes along, edit your post to make it more interesting.
  • 2: Writers are not to PM critics unless a prior arrangement has been made. Critics decide whether or not they wish to read a writer's materal.
  • 3: No posts other than synopses; I will be asking the mods to thump any post that doesn't conform to this criterium. Questions? PM me. If I'm not too wasted, I'll answer.
  • 4: Keep your synopsis short; two midsize paragraphs at most. The goal here is to interest someone in your work, not tell them all about it.
  • 5: Before put your work up for critiquing, run it through spell-check and give it a basic proofread. I've had two people complain to me about works where people did not do this, and that's a valid complaint. Yes, you are looking for help, but spell-check is a click away and it is not beyond the wit of writers to do a basic grammar scan. *
  • 6: Don't expect gushing. Expect to hear about weaknesses in your work as well as strengths. If you are not ready for that emotionally, don't post here.
  • 7: I would request that authors not delete their posts after they've gotten their help...just edit the post to say you've got all the help you need currently, and if that changes you can edit it back. People have asked me lots of questions about exactly what to put in their post...examples are good, particularly where the example can be seen as a successful one.

Da Roolz: Critics

  • 1: Don't be a dick. If you cannot be direct and honest without being rude, don't volunteer as a critic. If somebody's work sucks, then it sucks...but by taking on the job of a critic you are volunteering to help the writer make their work not suck.
  • 2: Don't overcommit. If you don't have the time, don't get a writer's hopes up by P Ming them and then never getting back to them. If your life situation changes and the free time you thought you had up and vanishes, be sure to let the writer know.
  • 3: Don't post here (unless you have a synopsis, then by all means...you can swing both ways here, it's all right). Just lurk until something pops up that you like, and PM the author to let them know.
  • 4: If it isn't working out, be sure to let the writer know you are going your separate ways - don't just drop off the planet.
  • 5: Keep checking old posts! Writers who previously had all the help they needed might need help again.

It really is that easy.

Things to put in your synopsis

Make sure you give us:

  • A basic idea of the genre.
  • What it is (book, script, etc.).
  • What kind of help you're looking for (technical, story-based, world-building, factual consultation, etc).
  • How far along the work is. This is important. Some critics don't want to teach kindergarten.
  • How serious you are - is this for fun, or something you hope to make money off of someday?

Also, include a nice little summary that both informs and titillates, somewhere between splash text and explanation.

Okay everyone, you know what to do. Start doin' it.

edited 22nd Sep '13 1:01:56 PM by drunkscriblerian

26 drunkscriblerian10th Oct 2011 08:34:32 PM from Castle Geekhaven , Relationship Status: In season
Street Writing Man
Going to break my own rules and ask; how is this thread going? Are writers and critics actually hooking up? Are the relationships going well? Feel free to PM me if you'd rather not offend anyone, I'd like honesty here as I'm curious to see if this is working well.
If I were to write some of the strange things that come under my eyes they would not be believed.

~Cora M. Strayer~
27 MrAHR11th Oct 2011 06:25:07 AM from ಠ_ಠ , Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
I got a critic, and it's going well. I critted Kaxen's post, but she never replied back after I sent her said crit, so...yeah.

edited 11th Oct '11 6:26:35 AM by MrAHR

28 SnowyFoxes11th Oct 2011 06:46:41 AM from Club Room , Relationship Status: I know
Drummer Boy
Things would be going well if school weren't eating up my writing time. But other than that, swimmingly.
The last battle's curtains will open on stage!
29 ch00beh11th Oct 2011 09:00:31 AM from Who Knows Where
Yeah, things would be going great if I had more free time to commit to critiquing, so this thread/idea is pretty great.

It's just that I'm am a horrible date.
"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story."

30 MrAHR11th Oct 2011 10:10:15 AM from ಠ_ಠ , Relationship Status: A cockroach, nothing can kill it.
Ahr river
Ch00beh: A lot of these are short stories — like Leradny's. It's 4k and complete. Surely if you just do a section every day, you can be at least a feasible date?
31 ch00beh11th Oct 2011 10:41:35 AM from Who Knows Where
I do a line by line analysis and usually two reads when I critique, and I'm not an incredibly fast reader in the first place, so even 4k words is like a couple hours of commitment.

I'm just not ready to take it to the next level yet, honey buns.

edited 11th Oct '11 10:44:01 AM by ch00beh

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story."

I want to put my fic out there, now that I have renewed resolve to write it.

Name: Legaia - Rebirth

Genre: Fan fic (Legend of Legaia - but does not require knowledge of the storyline or plot of the game itself.) Action / Adventure / Fantasy genre

Type/Length: Currently working on chapter 4 - I intend this fic to end up the size of a moderately-long novel (around 100K words, currently at around 13K)

Synopsis: 100 years after the calamities of the game, the descendants of the original protagonists have to work together to confront a new threat that seeks to destroy their peaceful world. The story follows the tale of a young man named Kresh, the great-grandson of one of the heroes who saved the world a hundred years ago as he adventures the lands in search of the secret that connects two worlds and the beings among them.

  • Is the prose too flowery / too detailed at times? Should things be cut for the sake of fluidity and readability. Conversely, are there important details that should be included but have been left out? Also, length in general - is this too ambitious a project to undertake given that I don't have tons of time to work on it?
  • Characterization: Are the characters sufficiently fleshed out while remaining likable? Conversely, do the characters try too hard to be likable and come off as Mary Sues?
  • I could use some analysis and critiquing of the action/fighting sequences, to make sure that they are both realistic and believable while also being intense enough.
  • Anything else that I might have missed that's pertaining to an enjoyable read.

For those interested, the work can be found here.
33 BensenDan14th Oct 2011 12:52:45 AM from Sofia.Bulgaria
Daniel Bensen
I did it! I have just finished the first draft of my new book manuscript!

Name: The World's Other Side

Genre: alt-history/sci-fi/teslapunk/humor/romance/thriller about minority rights, religious extremism, love, and flying robots.

Type/Length: Book. About 90,000 words long, but I'll only send you one chapter at a time, so it'll be easier to digest.


In an alternate version of our world, it was the great and ancient civilizations of Eurasia that lost the game of history. Five hundred years ago, the Northern Hemisphere was conquered by the Southern, and now George Boatman is a member of an oppressed minority of Christians in the North American Republic of Ilinwa. Trying to protect his people, he attacks and kills an Ilinwa citizen, starting a cycle of escalating violence that threatens his entire community. Worse, a foreign language teacher from wealthy and powerful Gondwana is living in his house, and, he fears, is trying to seduce him. As violence escalates and the police becomes interested in George's family, it seems his life and mission might come utterly undone. Fortunately, George's sense of honor and justice tell him what he must do to save his people.

Aspiring language teacher Bounce Nakmara did not expect to spend her time in Illinwa dealing with other people's problems. Even less does she expect to home-stay with a group of superstitious, barely-civilized, English-speaking savages. As she comes to like and understand her host family, however, Bounce sees the dangers that looming over them. In the midst of wide-spread ethnic tension and violent gang raids, Bounce, the family, and a sympathetic police officer search for a way to preserve the community against poverty, racism, and religious extremism.


I'm looking mostly for story-based and world-building help, but I appreciate grammar correction too.

Here's the summary (and I'd also appreciate some advice about the summary)

Most of all, I want to make sure this book is fun.

Thanks in advance! You can learn more about it at http://bensen-daniel.deviantart.com/gallery/27912685
Love Saves
Temporary Title: A World Going Sane

Genre: An original Land of Faerie Fantasy which has lots of modern elements by taking the modern tropes developed from The Fair Folk (such as Vampires, Rip Van Winkle Fish out of Temporal Water plots and Alien Abduction) and taking them back full circle, with a modern twist. So I'm not too sure what to call it.

Length: This being a case of No Plot? No Problem! and Writing by the Seat of Your Pants, I have no idea how long it could be. Especially since I intend to have the story branch over once I finish the first thread. Have you ever played chess with a computer? Well, see, much of a game can hinge on one decision, so one of the things some programmes allow you to do is go back to the point where you thought everything went wrong, and try to see if you'd have managed to get another outcome if you hadn't done that blatanty stupid move... aaand the five or six subtly stupid moves that you'll soon realize were leading you to that one in the first place. Basically I plan to write fanfics of my own work once it it's done. Hopefully if things don't get out of hand too much, I'd like to make the main timeline a reasonably short novella.

However. I am very busy with college, so I won't be able to write as much as I'd like to. So updates will be few and far-between. But I am fairly determined to go through with it. I've always wanted to have written something, but right now I feel a genuine need to be writing this story.

Concerns: I am a very talkative, hyperactive writer. It gives my work a signature, yes, but I'm deathly afraid of overdoing it. There are times where being quiet, efficient, minimalistic, is what needs to be done. And I've always had trouble with using registers consistently, so I tend to jump around in a Sophisticated as Hell way, and sometimes it's funny, but I'm afraid it can get a little silly. So I'd need someone to help me check on the language, and make sure I don't ramble too much.

Here's the prologue.

edited 22nd Oct '11 3:48:04 PM by PacificState

@26 I haven't gotten anything yet. I suppose it's because mine's fanfiction and also because one of my concerns is that it's boring... lol
Caaan anybody find me... Somebody to ♠
36 SnowyFoxes29th Oct 2011 07:02:17 PM from Club Room , Relationship Status: I know
Drummer Boy
Nope, not ready.

edited 23rd Dec '11 11:07:25 AM by SnowyFoxes

The last battle's curtains will open on stage!
37 feotakahari2nd Nov 2011 06:13:54 PM from Looking out at the city
Fuzzy Orange Doomsayer
Edit: Reader found!

edited 9th Nov '11 4:47:35 PM by feotakahari

That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something Awful

edited 20th Sep '13 11:46:31 AM by DeviousRecital

Pretending to be human
No harm to give this a try, then.

Title: Sonic Concepts

Genre: Fanfic, Sonic the Hedgehog, action, suspense

Status of Completion: Series, first story done, sequel in progress

Length: First story is a little over 80,000 words. Sequel currently has 56,000 words, no idea how long it will be once it's done though.

Synopsis: Do you know the anime Sonic X? If not, it basically had Sonic and co from the game series teleported to Earth and live there to interact with humans. Overall quality was...questionable, but the concept was something that got stuck in my head.

So basically, what I'm writing is, what if Sonic X did not suck? What if it actually took a much more thorough and critical look at how the interaction between them would change their own worlds? How would they ultimately view each other? And if Sonic and co weren't stuck with an annoying obnoxious kid as their main human friend?

In Sonic Concepts, FBI Agent Alan Doherty is teleported onto Mobius after a mishap with a Chaos Emerald. There he meets up with Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles, and learns about their struggle against Dr. Robotnik (no other Sonic characters than these), whose presence on the planet confuses Doherty as he's never heard of him or how he got here. He plans to investigate this, and discovers there is much more to this battle between the two sides than it looks.

In Sonic Concepts 2, the premise is even closer to Sonic X since it takes place on Earth. Here, Sonic and Tails have to face off against Robotnik again, but this time in the middle of a war, a kind they are not used to as it involves way more people on both sides than they are used to, and Robotnik plans to take full advantage to this. How will the duo's views on humanity be like after all this? If they get out of it alive?

There is also a tie-in Character Blog for the sequel called Tails' blog. Guess what's it about? Anyway, it attempts to show how the mobians' integrate themselves into Earth's society and any changes they make or experience, all from Tails' perspective.


- I just want to know one thing: Is it boring? I'll be honest here: I haven't gotten much feedback on this at all, which leads me to think there is something not hooking readers in, that I'm doing something wrong. Should you read it, could you tell me what it is?

- Also, are there any Fridge Logic or Plot Holes? A few times I realized something that I wrote something that didn't make sense and too late to correct, which forced me to try and write in Hand Waves or justifications. I want to make sure everything is all clear and that there aren't too many Headscratchers.

- Any comments on my writing itself are also welcome.

- How's the characterization? Of everyone, really.

- Finally, how well am I pulling off the whole idea itself?

The first story can be read here. Once that's done, the sequel is here and Tails' Blog here.

edited 10th Nov '11 4:01:00 AM by Exploder

40 Patworx17th Nov 2011 08:32:38 PM from In front of my laptop
Title: Saiyan Roommates

Genres: Fanfic, Dragon Ball Z, Dramedy

Synopsis: After the defeat of Omega Shenron, Goten married Marron and had a son named Goku, while Trunks became a womanizing bachelor. Our story starts when Goten and Goku arrive at Trunks' doorstep after many years of the two best friends not interacting. It turns out that Marron dumped Goten, and now he and his son need a place to stay. Hilarity Ensues.

I'm finishing this one soon, and I'd just like a basic oppinion on it.
Title: Archon

Genres: Steampunk, Adventure, Fantasy

Miles Nummer has studied for most of his life to become an Artificer. A strange blend of scientist and wizard. But when he suffers a chance meeting with a young Archon named Sophia Meisters, the two of them soon find themselves over their heads in a city on the edge of destruction.

This one has a rough draft done but I'm really looking for general criticism and feedback, mostly on plot and characters. I have other people already helping with grammar and spelling.
I only do meta signatures
Title: Summer Evenings

Form: Book

Genre: żAction novel? With some romance. And action. Loads of action.


A 23 year old man has to run away. He is (correctly) accused of corruption of minors and accessing confidential data. He manages to escape to Spain along with the people who helped him. His goal is to destroy the current status quo and force the world into a new era of thinking.

On his journey he meets old friends, and he realizes that he has more to lose than he thought in the first place. He slowly gets crazier and crazier, until he kills himself in a very spectacular manner, powered both by drugs and his own dementia.

Everything is written from the first person perspective, which allows me to have loads of fun with an Unreliable Narrator.

This would be the first book on a series (maybe three). The rest of the story would be a distant sequel set in Mars (makes sense in context). I would also like to know if the names for my characters are appropriate.

EDIT: Everything is set in an alternate universe. It is mostly like the one we inhabit, but we don't get to see much of it, since the characters are not constantly talking about the world they live in. The biggest change is that the 9/11 AS WE KNOW IT never happened. Minor changes from this other universe are things like the main character remembering how gloomy "Back to the future" really was, thanks to Eric Stolz's acting.

Thanks in advance.

edited 21st Nov '11 8:28:52 AM by Ruduli

The Draconic Superior
Nevermind, I'll make a another post on the next page.

edited 23rd Dec '11 5:28:09 AM by draconiansuperior

I've got two. One post to avoid the spamming.

1) Enforced Heroics Fanfiction Story based on the Events Of: "DC Universe Online" Separated into Chapters ("issues") ~ 2,200 words per. Currently 8 chapters long and building.

I'm looking for 'readability' of the story itself, and 'believability' of the characters. Some knowledge of "DC Universe" is recommended. Knowledge of DCUO specifically is not required.

The [[Mass Super Empowering Event]] that kicks off the events of the MMORPG are looked at through the relatively 'realistic' viewpoint of a single person.

(This story is located on FF.N on the above name)

2) Redemption's Promise Full Legnth Fantasy Novel, in my own fantasy world. Not quite 100 manuscript (printed) pages long, probably about 300 novel pages.

I intend this novel for publication. A full criticism of readability, characters, ideas, and plot is requested. File will be sent in Open Document Text Format (.ODT)

Synopsis: Typhin has all ready lost his wife to the plague, so when Vardox promises him a cure, he is ecstatic. The true cost may end up being more than he can pay, however. Especially when Vardox all ready has one ghost in his wake. -Treguard
45 KyleJacobs4th Jan 2012 08:24:44 AM from DC - Southern efficiency, Northern charm , Relationship Status: One True Dodecahedron
Title: Remus (Synopsis is on the trope page)

Format: Webcomic (Script)

Genre: Dystopia, Action

Length: The first volume is about 100 pages, which is equivalent to about 35 once you get rid of the formatting. You can also ignore pages 1-14 in the script, as I made some major last-minute changes to a few of them when I was actually drawing them. They can be found at the site linked in my signature.

  • The first chapter in particular features extremely heavy lampshading of a certain coincidence in an attempt to make it seem less contrived. I'm trying to make the audience accept it while still leaving the possibility of suspicion that said coincidence might not actually be one after all.
  • I feel that a fair amount of my dialogue comes off as somewhat stilted, but I'd like a second opinion.
  • I want to know if things come off as too fast paced and if I should slow them down. I'm trying to balance a very slow update schedule with my desire for enough detail and depth.
  • I want to know if any foreshadowing comes off as too heavy handed.
  • I'm worried about the relatability of the characters
  • I want to know how the villain comes off, and will explain what he's supposed to feel like after you tell me the impression you got.

Title: Building the Bronze Wall

Genre: Alternate History, others possibly added in the future.

Length: roughly 9,000 words currently, slated to expand into a novel if I get the motivation and a good editor.

Synopsis: Currently it's a short story creating a new version of the Battle of Thermopylae where Leonidas has a Spartan warrior keep the Greeks guarding the rear pass from breaking. I intend to expand it to cover the rest of the war, and maybe become a whole new world of its own.

Concerns: I'm confident with what exists, the site it's on is a web magazine, after all. I had a professor helping me edit it back then. Now I need someone to help me continue it.

Mainly I'm looking for someone who can tell me:
  • When my word choices are weak and could use some improvement.
  • Where I need to focus on characterization.
  • Where I'm grammatically weak.
  • Where I need to improve my historical accuracy.

That last one's actually the easiest if you know where to look for information. It just requires a little research from us both. The first three are big. Characterization used to be a weakness of mine and I don't think I'm fully comfortable with it yet.
Title: Domina (also see the work page)

Genre: Modern day-ish sci-fi

Length: 129 pages (20 chapters) by my last count. A new chapter every Monday

Synopsis: Kid goes to a city for college, realizes the culture is based on cosmetic (and not so cosmetic) Bio-Augmentation. Then the superpowered zombies show up, and his roommate finds out he (the roommate) and some of his friends have powers.


  • How believable everything is. Are there any parts where the reader just rolls their eyes and says "This is stupid"?
  • How interesting everything is. Are there parts that are a slog to get through?
  • Is there too much expospeak? Not enough for certain parts? I'm trying to pepper it with Cryptic Background References, but I'm not sure if I'm overdoing it.
  • Just general help, really. I've only gotten feedback on my very first chapter, so I'm kinda stumbling along in the dark.

edited 13th Jan '12 2:23:32 PM by Discar

48 SnowyFoxes19th Jan 2012 09:55:23 PM from Club Room , Relationship Status: I know
Drummer Boy

edited 2nd Sep '12 5:05:56 PM by SnowyFoxes

The last battle's curtains will open on stage!
49 joeyjojo19th Jan 2012 10:58:43 PM from South Sydney: go the bunnies!
Happy New Year!
This is a really cool threadcool, thank you Uncle Drunkie for making the world more awesome.
  1. hashtagsarestupid
I'm reading through this and I wonder- can I ask for someone to critique a comic I'm working on? I'll remove this post if there's any objection, but I'll just put my bit out for consideration.

Title: Aspects of the Aether

Genre: Fantasy

Completion: 5 finished pages, plus 2 rough pages.

Summary: Alice in Wonderland/The Phantom Tollbooth, but with a more conventional narrative structure and an older, more Genre Savvy protagonist.

I just want to see if what I have so far is a solid enough hook to keep the reader following along for more of the story.

Total posts: 171
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