Depressed tropers, UNITE!

ill post in here i guess. ive had struggles with depression, some intense periods, and some SUPER intense periods, but i seem to pretty much levelled out at this moment, though who knows what the future holds.

i know the form varies, some days i would come up with reasons that i sucked horribly at everything (these are convincing reasons and never fully go away), while other days it was just an feeling period of shame and self-hate.

im sorry for all the people posting in this thread, i know any attempts to say that "it'll get better, just hang in there" sound fake and unconvincing. all im gonna say is please, PLEASE don't kill yourself or anything, not for the sake of other people, but because you deserve to be alive.

i cant really think of a non-akward way to put all this and im sure theres a lot in there that can be misinterpreted. but just remember evangelion: "you are not alone."

edited 28th Sep '14 5:15:17 PM by dreamedkestrel

Well, I've had signs of slight depression for quite some time now, but I feel kind of like I need to vent for quite sometime about how futile life actually is.

edited 5th Nov '14 4:24:31 AM by sabrina_diamond

go ahead dude, im reading and im sure everyone else is too

I've had a lot of suicidal depression over the years... It's pretty horrible to have such a thing. It's also really scary. A while ago, I saw a clip of music from a game called Cry of Fear. I didn't realize how fucking scary it was. It's really scary, because there's a bit of truth in it. This is that video. It may give you nightmares.

This video... Is what it feels like. I might as well just quote the description from the video's page.

What I've come to realize is that, if I kill myself, the bad guys win. I have to live. Keep living.

Edit: I fucked up the formatting.

edited 14th Dec '14 12:33:53 PM by Pyrarson

Did you guys get properly diagnosed or what?

I was misdiagnosed with depression, but turns out I actually have paranoid schizophrenia.

Neuroleptics are not as much fun as anti-depressants

edited 15th Dec '14 4:00:48 PM by lazybanshee

I wasn't really diagnosed with suicidal depression, but I've been depressed and considered suicide at the same time, so it seems to add up to me.

yeah i was diagnosed. want that sweet depression cred

I'm very glad TV Tropes exists, really, as it's one of the few things that can actually amuse me. Guys who make this site happen are super-heroes. I'm a majorly depressed twenty-five years old. I take lots of medications (Luvox/fluvoxamine, anyone?) and it just barely keeps me from commiting suicide or never getting up from bed. In my sick mind, it feels weird how other people just naturally follow their routines, with jobs and relationships, just as if nothing was wrong, how sadness is usually not the rule but the exception. My depression has always been bad (and coupled with super-anxiety), and it just got worse since my girlfriend ditched me. I went back to smoking, and I can barely find motivation to watch films on Netflix. My favorite hobby is writing (even published once, very limited edition), and this is getting hard too, as I find hard to get excited about anything. I drink a lot (try to keep it just once or twice a week, hasn't been working), alone, I tried to go to a bar yersterday, and I just felt lost and disconnected, as if everything around was alien. Helps that most of my friends are douches. Serioully, am I too different from the rest of you guys?

My state is different as I am bipolar and have "up" periods (not often as "happy" as stereotyped, I'm one of those that has "angry" or "irritation" a lot when energized, or else I'm breaking my keyboard with furiously typing out writing-inspiration).

But, I do understand looking at the world and wondering "How can people be happy?" I look at the world and see one where we all treat each other as commodities and don't realize it. I see a world where people like to pretend they care about each other and see each other in the noble light of fellow humans, fellow brothers on the way, but... I've honestly come not to trust anyone who calls themselves a "humanist" because it becomes obvious to me pretty quickly that they only think of the "true humans" as being people like them. Even among our own tribes and circles, most of anyone's given value is assigned by "what can you do for me?"

I want to live in a more loving world than this, a more empathetic world. I hate the "commodity" tendency when I see it in myself. And I feel like the only hope for me ever seeing the world that I want to is if things a lot of people think you're a fool for believing in anymore are actually true.

I think I'd call what I feel a persistent spiritual malaise if the word "spiritual" didn't offend so many people these days.

My mind screams... how can anyone be so OBLIVIOUSLY happy and okay most of the time in a world where we are all going to die and everyone's moral worth is arbitrary because we all see each other primarily in terms of "threat" and "use?"

Unlike many of you, I don't have anything diagnosed but I think it's safe to say that I have depression; the one with apaty and when I'm not like this, it usually mean that something angered me. I'm glad it's rare, once, I almost kicked my pregnant sister while we where on the stairway two year ago. I guess I'm like this since I'm fourteen ? Maybe thirteen (I turned 17 on August). For the anger thing, as long as I can remember, I can get rather violent.

Guess all of this started when I was victim of some bullying. Can't say it was "that" bad when I compare to some nasty thing I heard on internet but anyway, things happened. The two years after that, I'm on another school, the one where most of my friends went. I learned that peoples change a lot of when we get to that age and I spend my time to disconnect myself with my childhood friends. One year later, I purposely fuck up all the chance I had to made any friends at my school and after one month or two, I was skipping school for the rest of the year. Guess it was back then that I was at my worst. Around this time that the thing with my sister happened and If I recall well, I punched my mother and my twin brother too. After that, I'm back to a new school again and I really tried to get along with my schoolmate. It worked, I guess. I've gotten a couple of "friend" for a year and I failed my year while they succeed. Now, I don't have the motivation to do that again and I'm on the way to skipping a second year.

Funny thing is, I wasn't really caring about most of this happening.

I'm just going to leave this here, let me know if it helps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj5gvE4Ft3w

Watching the game in the background is strangely soothing. Tetris-type games are like that... good for soothing.

My own stories are a little darker. Even the innocuous stuff, like - as a kid, she decided meat was gross. I grew up a butcher's daughter in a rural setting and saw meat being made as some of my earliest memories. (Is probably why I have a minor dream of getting a farm and raising my own someday). My hospital experiences have been a little scarier. (Ever actually meet a schitzophrenic when they are having a bad time and seen them "in action"? ) I have. Anti-depressants are something I'd caution people on, too. I mean, they can mean a world of difference IF someone is taking the RIGHT one for their condition. Unfortunately, all of that is kind of an iffy science. The wrong kind of drug can send you to bad places, I know this by experience. I was diagnosed as simply "depressed" for a while and given Paxil, before someone was able to recognize the signs of bipolar in me and I had doctors flat out tell me "Paxil was one of the worst things you could have been taking, it probably made you worse." (In hindsight, it may have even played a role in me making an attempt in dying). However, once I was given Litihum - that's when I had the "Wow, I'm on control again!" thing and it has been good for me (thought it might be slowly killing my innards, actually).

I also wonder if the video-person would think I was so "awesome" if she knew how I used to say stupid, ignorant things about people like her (sexuality). I never called people names in the street and in school, I was the bullied kid (for weirdness and being the designated target, too), but when faith is important to you (it's still important to me) and the only other people you knew for a while who were serious about such matters believed a lot of misinformation and spread a lot of misinformation and had you convinced that you had to "call sin, sin" ... yeah. I'm not doing that anymore, my heart has changed a lot from meeting people online and such, but... gah, yeah. I'm afraid I still have guilt from that and cannot be "awesome."

All I can do is soldier through life with my teeth gritted, because I do have an amazing person of my own who loves me and because I feel like I need to make fame somehow because I've had too interesting a life for my stories to die in obscurity. Something like that.

But I reserve the right to keep hating myself on some level.

this was a couple paragraphs of stuff, not super relevant and was basically a death ray for the thread. sorry.

edited 3rd Feb '15 12:12:09 PM by dreamedkestrel