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Asexual Anxieties and Concerns:

Lord of Flapdoodle
I did a search, but didn't see another threat like this, other than the general "Insecurity, Sadness, Anxiety, and such matters II" thread over in Yak Fest.

If you're asexual and are having trouble, anxieties or concerns about your life or sexuality, get some help here from you fellow asexual tropers.

I posted this in the "Asexual Tropers: A Question" thread, but don't think it really belongs there:
Tonight I had dinner with my mother, and for the first time I felt really bad about my asexuality. My mom believes that one day I'll find a nice girl and settle down and have a bunch of kids, no matter how much I try to tell her otherwise. Well, tonight I was talking about all my new troper friends, and when I screwed up and mentioned that one was an attractive local girl, I could see that glimmer in her eye. Oh, did that make me feel bad, and I stopped talking.

Any advice?
the pronoun system in Cherokee is just better. Need Scion GM.
Why so serious?
It doesn't sound like there is anything you can do to convince your mother if she's already made up her mind. I would suggest you focus on not feeling guilty for other people's feelings, instead.

I'm functionally* asexual myself, and I've found that relatives eventually move from asking "have you met any nice girls" to "have you met any nice girls... or boys" and then stop asking at all.

Lord of Flapdoodle
Yeah. They've all moved through the cancerlad is gay phase. I'm very straight, and feel sexual attraction to women, but have no interest what-so-ever in having sex with them. It just never occurs to me. Sometimes I think I'd like to mess around a little bit, but that's about it.

I'm not aromantic, either, but I have LOTS of issues, so I've pretty much stopped trying there too.

edited 20th Jun '11 8:44:06 AM by cancerlad

the pronoun system in Cherokee is just better. Need Scion GM.
 4 Jeysie, Mon, 20th Jun '11 9:02:55 AM from Western Massachusetts
Diva of Virtual Death
If it makes you feel better, it's not really an asexual-only problem anyway, truth be told. Any gay and/or child-free person (or just someone with perpetual lack of luck in relationships) has gone through that parental thing at one time or another. Grinning and dodging (or a firm declaration of "not happening", if you're brave enough) is about the best you can do.
Apparently I am adorable, but my GF is my #1 Groupie. (Avatar by Dreki-K)
This one tends to be worried that people of an opposite sex this one enjoys talking with might actually turn out to be interested in romantic way, or interprets something this one says as an attempt to flirt.
If we disagree, that much, at least, we have in common
 6 Carciofus, Mon, 20th Jun '11 9:23:48 AM from Alpha Tucanae I
Is that cake frosting?
[up] Would it really be a big problem? I mean, I guess that in such a situation you would just tactfully correct them as soon as you learn of their mistake, they would drop the argument, and that's it. It would be a little awkward, perhaps, but it does not seem to me that it would be different from what sexual people sometimes do when they are taken and interact with someone who does not know that.

I am assuming that the people you are talking about are reasonably mature, of course.

edited 20th Jun '11 9:25:58 AM by Carciofus

But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.

Lord of Flapdoodle
I have told them "It is not going to happen. I am not interested in that, " but it doesn't seem to change their minds. Its just frustrating.
the pronoun system in Cherokee is just better. Need Scion GM.
 8 Carciofus, Mon, 20th Jun '11 9:29:19 AM from Alpha Tucanae I
Is that cake frosting?
If it makes you feel better, it's not really an asexual-only problem anyway, truth be told. Any gay and/or child-free person (or just someone with perpetual lack of luck in relationships) has gone through that parental thing at one time or another. Grinning and dodging (or a firm declaration of "not happening", if you're brave enough) is about the best you can do.
Heh, my mum just emailed me that she had a "prophetic dream" about me visiting her and my dad for the summer and bringing them my infant child [lol]. She is kidding, of course, but it is clear that Mother Needs Grandchildren, Badly tongue.

edited 20th Jun '11 9:29:46 AM by Carciofus

But they seem to know where they are going, the ones who walk away from Omelas.

 9 Jeysie, Mon, 20th Jun '11 9:51:18 AM from Western Massachusetts
Diva of Virtual Death
[up][up] Bleargh, family is annoying...

[up] Heh! I feel sorry for my mom sometimes; she loves kids, and thus would love grandchildren, but I'm her only child and kids are just not on the agenda even if I get married (since I don't love kids).
Apparently I am adorable, but my GF is my #1 Groupie. (Avatar by Dreki-K)
Lord of Flapdoodle
The only way I'd have a kid is if one of my past attempts at sexuality came back to bite me in the ass.
the pronoun system in Cherokee is just better. Need Scion GM.
@Carciofus

It's not as much about their interest as about my own behaviour being considered misleading. As if I am attempting to charm anyone while I really don't.
If we disagree, that much, at least, we have in common
 12 Bur, Mon, 20th Jun '11 10:14:08 AM from Flyover Country Relationship Status: Not war
[lol] I feel bonds of kindship!! My parents also went through the "have you met any nice boys", "have you met any nice boys... or girls?" sequence until now they just go "have you made any new friends?" Thankfully my sister has already given them grandchildren so they got that out of their system. Now they just guilt me with "We're worried you'll be lonely when you get older." Mum, Dad, that's what pets are for. My future as the crazy dog lady is sealed.
Lord of Flapdoodle
Ah, Bur, that's one of the reasons I started this thread! —Hugs—.
the pronoun system in Cherokee is just better. Need Scion GM.
 14 Bur, Mon, 20th Jun '11 10:19:46 AM from Flyover Country Relationship Status: Not war
 15 Loni Jay, Mon, 20th Jun '11 4:59:15 PM from Australia Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
Well, my parents aren't bothering me about kids/boyfriends yet, but any attempts to hint to my parents that I might not find anyone are met with the 'Oh, Loni is being silly and overdramatic again' exchanged look.

Although I did discuss it with my Dad once and he's of the opinion that I'm suppressing my sex drive and channeling it into my career. (!)
Be not afraid...
Lord of Flapdoodle
Have you tried telling them that you dont want to find anyone? It may make a difference. Other than that, I really don't know what advice I have to give. So, uhm...

—hugs—?
the pronoun system in Cherokee is just better. Need Scion GM.
 17 Enzeru, Mon, 20th Jun '11 5:29:15 PM from Orlando, FL χಠ♥
icon by implodingoracle
Argh, you guys know my pain! My dad just won't stop giving me advice on what to do if I get a girlfriend. He doesn't even know that I've been attracted to guys and that I want to be asexual. Luckily, I don't live with him, so this isn't too constant a bother. Also, I'm surprised that I've never seen anyone who's wanted to change their sexuality.

 18 Loni Jay, Mon, 20th Jun '11 5:29:17 PM from Australia Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
... I would, but I haven't decided yet if I do want to find someone. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
Be not afraid...
Lord of Flapdoodle
I'm kinda like that too. I sometimes would love to have a GF so I wouldn't feel lonely. I think you should still tell them. Better for you to be wrong than to live with the constant stress of their expectations.
the pronoun system in Cherokee is just better. Need Scion GM.
Nihilist Hippie
I'm not asexual, but I've had sort of related issues. I'm a recluse and so my parents have bothered me about that. But overall, they long since have accepted that for the most part.
"Had Mother Nature been a real parent, she would have been in jail for child abuse and murder." -Nick Bostrom
 21 Enzeru, Mon, 20th Jun '11 5:34:19 PM from Orlando, FL χಠ♥
icon by implodingoracle
But what if Loni's parents pressure him into finding someone even after her mind?

[up]Lucky.

edited 20th Jun '11 5:34:39 PM by Enzeru

 22 Loni Jay, Mon, 20th Jun '11 5:37:07 PM from Australia Relationship Status: Pining for the fjords
Oh, I really doubt that they will. One of my uncles is a bachelor, and nobody ever seemed to think that was wierd.

I'm just bemused by the idea that I have some sort of fierce drive for success and am consciously putting aside other things for it.
Be not afraid...
Lord of Flapdoodle
Just keep telling them. It's all Loni can do. Worry about what you can do, not about what will happen. You can control what you do. You can't control your parents. Focus on that, get to tomorrow, repeat.
the pronoun system in Cherokee is just better. Need Scion GM.
 24 Ozbourne, Mon, 20th Jun '11 5:57:14 PM from the x on a treasure map Relationship Status: Staying up all night to get lucky
8luh 8luh.
Pretty much never post in OTC but I can contribute a bit here, so here goes.

I have similar issues with my parents, because they've got this whole "we want grandkids before we die" thing going on. (They're not in ill health, but they didn't start having children until their thirties so they want to make sure they have time to spend with any grandkids who come along.) And they too seem to believe that I just need to meet "the right guy" and "then it will happen". I've mentioned that I simply have no interest in relationships or sex or any of that, and again, I still need to meet "the right guy". They also say that I can't be asexual because I find some guys attractive, and I keep trying to explain that just because I can appreciate physical attractiveness does not mean that I want to have a relationship of any sort with that person, it just means I enjoy looking at them. (Also even if I wanted a relationship, I still have no desire to have children, and if I did want children I could adopt, but that's kind of beside the point.)

Fortunately, they seem to slowly be coming around, or at least my mom is. Also fortunate for them is that my brother is most decidedly not asexual and very much would like to have a family.

I'm not entirely sure how much sense this has made, and please know that I'm not looking for advice or support so much as offering my own story and that I can definitely sympathize with some of the other posters here.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
 25 Anomalocaris 20, Mon, 20th Jun '11 6:43:19 PM from Mr. Bones' Wild Ride Relationship Status: Love blinded me (with science!)
Dedededededededededededededededededededede
My dad keeps asking when I'll "grow out of it". And he asks me which girls I find cute, even though it's the same answer every single time. It's really annoying.

My brother pokes fun at me and insists that asexuality doesn't exist, and I'm just being annoying.

My sister says very hateful things to me about it, and purposely tries to steer conversations toward it just so she can ask when I intend to marry/who I like/ect and then act with mock surprise and confusion when I say I don't want any of that. Then she insults me and calls me a freak. I don't like that.

My mom doesn't seem to care either way about it.
The EYE is protecting Exor!!

General of the Ridley Facepalm Army.
Total posts: 129
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