Whamise this line. A Game.

The hero's escaped from the Ancient Conspiracy and gone for a drink in his local pub...but the barman (who normally hates having to wip down the tables) hasn't bothered putting out any coasters....

Wait...if that guy was a girl and that girl was a guy...

@Kittens, kittens everywhere!

The summoner dude needs to sacrifice many lives in order to summon the ultimate dark god. He puts the sacrifice ring around the city, and hovers above it. The hero and his best friend evacuate the city. Then the hero goes to confront the summoner in his airship, while the friend rounds up any stragglers in the city.

The hero says that there's only one human in the city, and that isn't nearly enough life to summon the dark god. Then the villain states that he needs to sacrifice life, to summon the god, but he never said human life. And as the heroes jaw drops, his friend radios in to tell him about the staggering amount of stray cats that have gathered in the city...

@Wait...if that guy was a girl and that girl was a guy...:

The homophobic bigot realizes that they had a sloppy gay makeout session.

Mine:

Arrrrrr. We pirates use fruits and veggies as deodorant.

The story involves a failed AI experiment, a huge quantum supercomputer that was expected to gain true sapience, but didn't. One sign that the experiment had failed was that no matter how much the researchers tried, they couldn't get it to come up with a joke.

Its last attempt was a confusing, horrendous mess with no attempt at a punchline whatsoever. Exasperated, the university funding the project pulls the funding, and the machine is turned off. Components are mothballed, used in other projects, or sold off.

One of the researchers takes a printer home and finds a sheet of paper stuck in the output tray, apparently printed out during the shutdown process.

It contains the most perfect punchline imaginable.

So I just figured...why the hell not? And here we are...

edited 22nd Dec '12 8:23:57 AM by MattStriker

The Lancer responds to The Big Bad's description of a question, revealing their unexpected betrayal of The Hero.

Now, for my line:

"Alas, the Avacado was hard to reach, and only one very particular thing and unexpected thing saved me from forever burning in my apartment..."

The hero has just realised his avocado themed nemesis is his twin brother, whom he thought died in a housefire.

...this aluminium replica's 500 years old!?

The villain has loudly, publicly claimed that he's made a time machine, but nobody believes them. An identical-looking time machine was found at a crime scene, and the hero had it sent to a laboratory to have it analyzed. Their first conclusion is that it's not, in fact, the villain's "time machine", it's an aluminum replica. Their second conclusion? Well, see the quote.

"Not my shoes, me!"

Those were the last words said by the hero's love interest. Her next-to-last words? Asking his dimwitted sidekick (the hero was busy dealing with the villain) to help 'save her soul', which he misinterpreted as 'rescue the soles of my shoes'. How even a dimwitted sidekick could save the shoes but not the girl as well is a long story, but regardless, it's too late to save the girl.

This is watermarked paper. Hold up to light to verify.

A guy has struggled to obtain an important document that he wants to forge, and perhaps the document is something that is pretty old, or the setting appears to be in a time before watermarking existed. Then, after a lot of effort (possibly killing people in the process), he finally gets the document and is ready to copy it, only to discover the line upon close inspection. His plans are then ruined and he has killed a bunch of people for nothing.

"Crush them. Crush them all."

They're the first words of a middle-aged couple's 2-year old.

A pink tank.

The former dictator of the country has died of natural causes, and with his final breaths, had passed control of the country down to his only descendant: his ten-year-old daughter. She's an obnoxious brat, and rather than obey her demands for more ponies and whatnot, the citizens rebel. After all, how much harm could a little girl really do to them? ...At least, that's what everyone thought until a vehicle approaches from the direction of the dictator's base, and someone with poor vision asks what's heading straight for them...

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!

The mysterious masked man appears and says this line, revealing that the villain the heroes had been fighting is Santa Claus.

Ladies and gentlemen, it appears we are out of steak sauce.

In a world where cooking is serious business, our protagonist, a chef aiming to become number one, has unveiled his steak dish to the judges of the national cooking competition. The flavor of the dish was meant to explode when in contact with steak sauce... and then the waiter-in-charge says the line above, prompting the judges to eat without the sauce.

Four and a half dollars' worth.

After having sex with his girlfriend, the hero reveals he didn't get checked for all the diseases. When the woman asks how many he got checked out for, he utters the above line.

Your toothpick shenanigans are wearing thin, Parfait.

The villain, Parfait, is an assassin specializes in shooting poisoned toothpicks out of a blowgun. This line is said by the hero after sneaking up on him in his sniping hole.

"It was synthetic!"

eThe hero and his freinds have managed to plant the sapling of Yggdrasil, when the resident Smart Guy does a last second examination, and utters that line...

Amazing Freaking Grace

edited 26th Dec '12 3:50:34 PM by eldritchseer

Said by a Badass Preacher - turned - Sinister Minister when he does his Face–Heel Turn and plugs the Sacrificial Lion in the head.

Alright, have it your way.

edited 26th Dec '12 4:33:27 PM by somerandomdude

One of the characters is a somewhat cynical, bitter person; while almost venomously critical of others, he has been shown to be no better - perhaps even worse - at avoiding (and learning from) his own mistakes. He has just finished a long rant about all that he feels to be wrong in the world, about how terribly everyone but him messes everything up, about how things would be far better if everything just went as he wanted, if everyone just listened to him, if he were just in charge...

He doesn't see the work's resident trickster-ish genie-figure step up quietly behind him; he does hear said figure, however, when it says the line above, a grin on its deceptively-human face.

Do you really think that rowan-wood will help you here?

edited 26th Dec '12 4:58:51 PM by ArsThaumaturgis

Ancient prophecies, which are always 100% accurate in these stories, foretell of an age-old villain that only has two weaknesses: the blood of the Chosen One, or the wood of a special plant. Nobody believes that the idiotic main character is the Chosen One, not even himself, so he went on a quest to find the plant and bring it to the villain's lair. It appears that the wood he found is the real deal, as it dispels all of the villain's dark magic when the protagonist wields it. Sadly for him, right before the final encounter, the villain (fully aware of his own weakness) triggers a fire trap that turns the wood into unusable cinders. The villain taunts the protagonist by saying the line, and that's when the hero realizes he really is the Chosen One...because rather than obtain rowan-wood, the idiot thought he could use any piece of wood as long as he 'rowed' it across the villain's enchanted moat.

He made a three-point landing, but only if we're rating it on a scale of one to ten.

The Smug Snake villain just revealed he had The Lancer executed via his favorite method (a cliff).

About that thing I lent you? I'm afraid I'll be taking it back.

The cosmic loan shark decides to visit the local Crystal Dragon Jesus and take the life energy from creation.

Truth, lies... Power, humanity... I CAN'T FUCKING DECIDE!

This was the point the hero realized he was in over his head. A conspiracy so large it seemed beyond humanity itself, and yet through it all it still seemed to not make any sense.

"Well what a fine conclusion you've come to Detective. There's just one problem with your suspect: He's innocent."

edited 2nd Jan '13 5:33:54 PM by MajorTom

The story is a supernatural murder mystery: seven people have been killed by dark blood magic, in a manner that reveals that the caster aims for eight in order to complete a mystic octogram of sacrifices and summon a terrible creature from beyond the Veil. A key point is that, as part of the ritual, the caster is required to have sex shortly before the murder.

One of our characters has a form of second-sight, and amongst the things that she can see is whether a person is a virgin or not. By various coincidences, she hasn't had contact with the suspect until this point, late in the story, with the hour for the final sacrifice drawing near; the main characters believe that they know the culprit, and have converged on his house with only half an hour left, only for the second-sighted character to take one look at him, turn to the protagonist and state the above line.

Now, riffing on the above: There's only one problem with your suspect, Detective: he's guilty.

edited 2nd Jan '13 6:04:29 PM by ArsThaumaturgis

A private eye and a police officer are having a chat at a local diner. The sleuth confides his suspicions about the local wealthy recluse, saying that the evidence points to him being the Mysterious Serial Killer.

That's when the officer utters the line above, as he passes Detective A some files that prove that said wealthy recluse is guilty... of being the Currently Trending Phantom Thief! This conflicts with the detective's theory because the time tables of the Serial Killer's murders and the Phantom Thief's burglaries don't match up.

Können Sie mir behilflich sein? "Can you help me?"

The Hero turns around to see Chibi David Bowie speaking german

'''"Good day. I understand that you are in possession of A whole pack of robots, and I would like to acquire banana candy soup. May I take your e-mail address for POSSIBLE ALIEN CONTACT? Do you like Queen? Good Bagel.

The characters have at last found their genius professor to help them figure out how to defeat the Evil Overlord...but it turns out, as evidenced by that line, that the professor has gone insane.

Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother's house to die!

edited 2nd Jan '13 10:18:01 PM by somerandomdude