Need critique on this draft.:

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First up, hi all. First post on the forums. Cool.

Anyway, down to business.

I'm working on a Fate/Stay Night fanfic involving a possible Sixth Grail War held in the Sahara Desert. It takes some inspiration from Charles Stross' Laundry series, with supernatural organizations being portrayed something like spy agencies, or something similar to that effect. There is also a fair bit of unreliable or abusive narration. No characters from FSN, Tsukihime or Melty Blood have actually turned up yet (but they will, you can be certain of that), although you might recognize the two at the Burial Agency.

I say Fate/Stay Night, but it incorporates elements from Tsukihime, Melty Blood, and so on so it's more of a general Nasu Verse thing. I have a 20-page draft prologue at the moment, and I'd like to see where I can improve things before I move on to the Grail War proper.

Draft is in PDF format available here:

I have at the very least attempted to abide by Nasuverse rules of magecraft and the like, but I have a sneaking suspicion that at some point I'm going to stop caring and do whatever I want. Oh, well. ;_;

Incidentally: The story assumes that Fate/Zero took place in 1994, Tsukihime took place in 1999 and F/SN took place in 2004. The continuity I've established does not follow Fate, UBW or Heaven's Feel (although it does assume that Arcueid's Good Ending is canon) but a different ending to the Fifth Grail War which was made up by me purely for this purpose.

Enjoy :)

PS: I haven't decided on a name for it yet, so any suggestions for that might be helpful too. Working title is Fate/Harmonic Path, which sounds pretty stupid really.

edited 11th Feb '11 6:24:06 PM by RiotousRascal

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